


Bad at Love

by xoelectric



Category: Blake Shelton (Musician), Gwen Stefani - Fandom, Shefani, The Voice (US) RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Drama, F/M, Slow Burn, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:48:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 94,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25414924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xoelectric/pseuds/xoelectric
Summary: Got a girl with California eyes, and I thought she could really be the one this timeBut I never got the chance to make her mineBecause she fell in love with little thin white linesI'm bad at love, but you can't blame me for tryin'You know I'd be lyin' sayin' you were the one that could finally fix meLookin' at my history, I'm bad at love
Relationships: Blake Shelton/Gwen Stefani, Shefani - Relationship
Comments: 372
Kudos: 349





	1. Tastes Like Jack When I'm Kissing Him

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, here's the deal (and my preemptive FAQ):
> 
> 1) No, I'm not done with Mysterious Ways. I just needed an outlet this past weekend that was more suited to writing the first chapter of this fic versus all of the fluffy happy stuff in the next MW chapter. I figured nobody would mind, because at least I'm writing something, eh?
> 
> 2) First chapter is a flashback. The inspiration for the location is Hotel del Coronado in San Diego - beautiful place, you should look it up to get a real good feel for it. Wishing I could be there now during quarantine 💔 
> 
> 3) This one is less planned out at this stage, but I'm working on it. Anything can happen...
> 
> xoxo

**ONE YEAR AGO**

_Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, never been sicker._

The familiar, nostalgic adage had been ringing back and forth in her head as she stared at the freshly concocted margarita sitting in front of her. It was something she hadn’t heard in literal decades, a saying that dated back to the early days of her time in the band. She had overheard a group of twenty somethings repeating it earlier near the bar, but they were long gone now. And if Gwen had to guess, that was at least two drinks ago for her. 

Sometimes she longed to be in her twenties again - a time when life seemed much simpler, a time when all of the issues and sins of her past hadn’t yet veered so off track. That dumb saying was almost like a comfort as it allowed her to reminisce, it allowed her to feel for just a few moments that she was that carefree version of herself once more, even though she doubted she would ever see that girl again. 

Now she was just a forty-something with a failing marriage that had escaped to San Diego temporarily and was sitting at a beach side bar by herself, sipping the day away on various liquor drinks. 

She realized she was slouching, and straightened up, suddenly feeling a bit self conscious. She sighed inwardly, Gavin’s criticisms and judgements hitting her mentally at full speed with hardly any effort expelled on her own part. She looked down at herself, suddenly not knowing why she had let herself come down to this bar in only a bikini and sarong tied loosely around her waist. Wearing something that showed her stomach always required another layer of thought, as she had to think through the angles and her posture a lot more, always worried about the next unflattering photo. Part of her mind justified her thoughts, but the more rational side of her was just so tired of it all.

Thankfully, each sip of her drink chipped away at that feeling, if only in a minuscule amount. Even though she had come down to Coronado to get away from it all, she could never mentally manage to get away from the worst part of herself that never allowed her rest. 

Gwen swirled her straw around the frosted drink as she watched the ice bits melt gradually in contrast to the heat, her ears only fixated on her surroundings enough to hear someone announcing over a loud speaker on the other side of the cabanas something about a karaoke night. She couldn’t help but feel a chuckle in her throat, knowing most of the beachgoers around had a decent amount of alcohol in their system from the all day party outside, and maybe it would at least provide a little bit of a distraction. She pushed her sunglasses up on top of her head as the sun set lower, and a few more people started to gather down by the sandy beaches. 

“Is this seat taken?”

Gwen turned slightly to look behind her, the southern accent hitting her senses immediately as out of place. Her eyes fell upon a very tall man flashing her a hopeful smile - dressed in one of those Hawaiian shirts that she secretly found a little ridiculous, but there was something a little disarming about him. Charming, even.

“I uh…” she stuttered at first. “No, it’s all yours,” she replied eventually, her gaze going back to her drink. She took another long sip, suddenly feeling and fighting the urge to look back to him. It was the first person that had spoken to her except the bartender and waitstaff all day.

_He didn’t talk to you, idiot, he just wanted to ask if the seat was taken next to you._

She mentally corrected herself, sipping her drink until the familiar final slurp indicated she had finished it. She pushed it in towards the bartender.

“Another?” the bartender asked. 

“Mmm…let’s go back to the daiquiri, I liked that one more,” she decided. 

“That sounds good, actually, can I get one of those too?”

She looked over to the tall, southern mystery man with a newly piqued interest, a wry smile on her features. “So you’re a daiquiri man, are you?”

He chuckled, his eyes meeting hers and holding them longer than a few seconds for the first time. “A daiquiri man? I didn’t know there was such a thing, darlin.” He settled back into the barstool a bit, his eyes still on her. “Maybe you just seem to be the type that’s a good judge of the drinks here, and I’m just following your lead.”

“Hmm,” she pondered. “Do you always rely on strangers to help you with your drink orders?”

“Not all strangers,” he responded, that small grin creeping onto his features again. He broke their eye contact as the bartender placed two strawberry daiquiris in front of them, offering a nod and a mumbled thank you. “I’m sorry if you came here to be alone, I can stop talking if you’d like. Where I’m from, it’s normal to talk to strangers, but I sometimes get carried away out in the real world.”

“I did,” she admitted right before she sipped on her new drink. “But you don’t need to apologize, I’ve been alone all day. The company is nice.” She paused. “Where are you from?”

“Oklahoma,” he answered honestly.

A small smile came to her lips. “Makes sense.”

“I mean, I guess I could lie and say somewhere fancier, but I doubt you’d believe me, right?” He asked rhetorically, with a small laugh. “How about you?”

She temporarily forgot that a conversation with a stranger would inevitably lead to personal details. This made her feel uncertain, suddenly, as this was the last place and time that she wanted someone to realize who she was. She didn’t want to be Gwen Stefani that night, she just wanted to be a random face.

“Uhhh…north, _more_ northern, California,” she responded, trying to keep it vague. 

“Like San Francisco?” He asked. “I haven’t been up to Northern California, but I hear it’s incredible.”

“A little more south of that,” she brushed off quickly. “So uh, how did you get all the way out here from Oklahoma? Coronado is amazing, but it just surprises me that you would have heard about it from halfway across the country.”

“I conduct a lot of business in L.A.,” he explained. “I needed to get away, clear my head. A friend suggested San Diego.” He paused. “I’m not really the ritzy expensive resort type, but it’s kinda nice here. It’s grown on me. Couldn’t live this way forever, though.”

“You came alone,” she observed. 

“Well, if I hadn’t signed divorce papers a few weeks ago, I guess I would have had someone along with me. But I think that would have defeated the point of trying to _clear my head_.”

Gwen nearly whipped her head over to look at him as those words hit her in a way that he could never know in those moments. She was at a loss for words, her mouth was slightly open as she wanted so desperately to say something, but she couldn’t get herself together to do so.

“What about you?” He prompted next. She knew she should have been more prepared for the question back on her, but it was still hard either way.

“Alone, yes,” she began. She looked down at herself, taking her wedding ring into her fingers that was hanging by a silver chain around her neck. She held it up. “Separated,” she said, her voice then lowering. “Trying to find the strength to sign those papers myself.”

“Sorry,” he offered, a genuine look of sympathy on his features. 

“I could say the same,” she countered, meeting his eyes as her brow raised. 

Before he could even stop himself, he extended his hand forward to her. There was a hint of familiarity in his eyes, almost like he might have met her before, almost like he was trying to feel her out on it. 

“I’m Jake,” he lied about his name before he could even fully think that one through, and the only thing that he could come up with in the moment is something that literally rhymed with his actual name of _Blake_. 

Gwen bit her lip tentatively, taking his hand, and also taking a similar route.

“Renee,” she stole her own middle name for the lie, desperately willing to not be recognized. The hint of familiarity in the man’s eyes seemed to diminish with the introduction, which she was thankful for. She also knew that she didn’t have any make-up on and could hardly hold a candle to what she looked like in the public eye, so that probably helped, too.

“What do you say, Renee, how about a few shots to forget the people we came here to not think about?” Blake motioned over the bartender, and Gwen laughed a little.

“Mmm that’s dangerous,” she warned. “See, I’ve been sitting at this bar for quite some time. There is a lot of liquor in me already, I can’t do too many of those.”

“No pressure, darlin’,” he said. “All I ask is that you join me for at least one.”

That grin of his did her in all over again - she couldn’t resist that.

One shot turned into three before she was able to work on the second half of her daiquiri. The karaoke night was in full swing, the action being far enough away that they could make small talk, but close enough they could giggle as some of the drunken guests slightly embarrassed themselves on stage. Her eyes went briefly over to the beach - not completely dark, but soon illuminated more by the various tiki style torches the resort was lighting along the shore line. 

The familiar beginning chords of _Don’t Speak_ began to blast over the loudspeaker, which caused Gwen to sip up the final bit of her drink, hop out of the barstool, and collect her sandals from the ground. “I wanna walk on the beach,” she announced, taking a few steps away from the bar. She turned back to look over her shoulder at Blake. “Are you coming?”

“Yes ma’am,” he chuckled, also hopping up from the barstool and closing the distance between them. He kicked off his own sandals as they were soon walking on the sand, heading towards the water, the loud sounds of karaoke night fading softly behind them as they wandered further away. 

Gwen squealed softly as a tiny wave hit her feet.

“I always think I’m prepared for how cold this water is but oh my god, I never really am,” she laughed as her body adjusted, and she continued to walk along the very shallow water. 

“I’m surprised you feel anything right now,” he chuckled. “Though I must admit, you can hold your liquor.”

“Years of practice,” she deflected. She stepped a little further in, and he followed close behind. A few moments of long, yet somehow comfortable silence fell between them before she spoke again. “Do you mind if I ask what happened?”

She looked over to him as they continued to walk, a sad smile falling on his face.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” she offered quickly.

“No, it’s okay,” he responded genuinely. “I’ll just never get used to saying it out loud, I guess. At least that’s what it feels like now. But long story short, she was having an affair with someone she works with. I didn’t want the inconvenience of our marriage to get in the way of that for her.” His last words were stinging with just a smidge of bitterness, but she didn’t have time for that to truly resonate before he continued. “She’s a hard woman to please. Just sucks I guess because I feel like I did everything I could to show her how much I cared, and it was just never enough.”

She sighed to herself, her lips pressing together as her gaze kept on the sand in front of her. 

“I wish mine cared more about me than he did the whores he has a knack for meeting half my age,” she mumbled. “He’s cheated a few times, actually. And every time he does, I come down here to Coronado by myself, trying to convince myself to finally file those papers. But I never have, and that’s my fault.”

“Why do you stay?”

“A lot of reasons, really,” she began. “Guilt is a huge part of it. Thinking about my vows and what God would think of it.”

“I’m not the religion expert, but I doubt God would want you to stay in a bad situation when you haven’t done anything wrong.”

She shrugged slightly. “It’s complicated,” she responded. “And different, this time, I think. I actually am separated right now. I’ve been staying with a friend. I guess San Diego is just a tradition at this point. Or maybe it’s a curse, doomed to repeat the same scenario over and over again.”

She felt his hand squeeze her opposite shoulder, which caused her gaze to go up to him. 

“You don’t deserve that,” he said, meeting her eyes. “You shouldn’t have to continually deal with someone who is unfaithful and doesn’t treat you well.”

She swallowed, her eyes not leaving his, but still at a loss for words. When they finally came, they were hoarse. “You just met me. How do you know what I deserve or don’t?” Her inquiry was the furthest thing from unkind - in fact, it was shattered and broken in nature. It was the voice of a woman who was exhausted and was desperately seeking any kind of comfort to be provided, even if it was from a random stranger.

“I have a good sense about people,” Blake responded confidently, with a shrug. “Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to tell that you have a good heart, Renee.”

A rogue wave came at them suddenly, Gwen not realizing it until it crashed against her hip - she hadn’t realized how far in she had walked. She lost her balance, thankfully her new, tall friend already partially had a hold on her and before she realized what was happening, his arms grabbed around her body to prevent her from falling under. However, within seconds another wave came crashing right behind it, and he lost his own balance and they both fell into the water together.

Gwen sat up shocked, suddenly drenched in the cold Pacific water, and just started laughing. Blake couldn’t help but laugh along with her as he sat up, and moved to stand up fully. 

“I’m sorry, I thought I had us!” Blake exclaimed, his look turning sheepish. 

He bent down, offering his hands to her. As she took them, her eyes met his and she held his gaze as she stood up fully beside him. She felt a bit wobbly again as her knee bent and his arms quickly went around her waist to hold her up. 

“Thanks,” was all she said, but a small smile came to her features. She giggled. “Liquor. It doesn’t help my balance.”

“No problem,” he responded, unable to take his eyes off of her.

There was something about his strong arms around her that made her rational brain useless. It was this protective quality she was so unfamiliar with, this strength that she hadn’t felt before. Needing. Wanting. Craving. _Safety_. 

She looked away when it got to be too much for her to handle any longer, and his arms gently let go of her. It was alarming how much she suddenly missed them. She untied her sarong, leaving her just in her bikini as she twisted the sarong to try and get the water out of it. 

“At least you were already in your bathing suit,” he chuckled.

“Small miracles, I guess,” she laughed, but gave up on the sarong. She held it in one hand as she crossed her arms across her chest, a shiver going down her spine. 

“I uh,” Blake said awkwardly. “I don’t want you to think anything of this, but, I’m literally staying right there.” He pointed to the end beach front room nearby. “I have extra towels. Do you want to…?”

She looked back over to his room, her arms tightening around herself as she felt herself get colder. She glanced down to her own room far on the other side of the resort, and bit her lip as she thought about it. 

“I could also go and get you some towels and come back…”

“No, it’s okay,” she said softly. “Yeah, thank you, I appreciate it.” She began to walk forward towards the room he had pointed out, with him about a half step behind. She felt a little wobbly again, and subconsciously reached to grab and hold onto his arm as they continued walking along the sand.

“God, I’m _freezing_ ,” she commented and laughed, suddenly feeling the alcohol coursing through her veins just a bit more. 

Blake shrugged his shirt off, also feeling the effects of the soaking wet clothes on his body. 

“Maybe a walk in the water wasn’t the best idea,” he grinned. A few more steps and he reached for the sliding door on his room, pulling it to the side and letting Gwen in first. He also stepped inside, sliding the door closed behind them. The room was a bit chillier than outside, and Blake made his way past Gwen to cross the room and head into the bathroom where the towels were. 

Gwen eyed a glass bottle with brown liquor nearby, and she stepped forward and poured herself another drink. She took it back quickly, mentally calculating it as the equivalency of a double shot. He was approaching her from behind, she heard him, and she waited until the last possible second before she turned on her heel, pushed herself up, and kissed him suddenly.

Blake was so surprised he dropped the handful of towels from his hands onto the ground. She was pushing him over to sit down on the edge of the bed, and he complied, but soon his hands held onto her waist and he tugged her back slightly so he could get a word in. 

“ _Sweetheart_ ,” he breathed. “I didn’t bring you here expecting…”

“I know,” she responded, her eyes going to his again. “I just…” her words were so soft, so innocent. Instead of finishing her thought, she pressed her lips into his again, kissing him deeply. His hands stroked up and down her back, and she moved forward to straddle and sit on his lap, her arms tugging around his neck. Her kisses grew hungrier, rougher, and she snapped her head back when they both needed to take a breath, Blake continuing the kissing down and onto her neck. 

Blake was liquored up, but there was still the small, nagging thought in the back of his head that this wasn’t perhaps the best idea for either of them. Before he could confront it, he flipped her onto her back suddenly, crawling on top of her, continuing to kiss her.

She suddenly felt warmer with his body on hers, completely forgetting about why they were even here to begin with. Gwen started to tug at his belt buckle, her eyes locking onto his as she undid it slowly. 

He was breathing a tad heavier, watching her, his eyes not moving from her gaze. She was biting her lip as she continued, which frankly, just made him harder. It was nearly impossible to force his lips down to her ear, and it felt like running a marathon to even get the words out of his mouth.

“Are you sure?” He breathed unsteadily, and her hands pushed his shorts off - leaving him shirtless and just in his briefs now. 

She leaned up towards him, her lips finding his. Her arms were around his neck, and she took a momentary break to whisper in his ear. 

“String bikini, neck and back. Hell of a lot easier than a bra to get off,” her lips went immediately to his neck, kissing, licking, even sucking at one point.

He took that as a yes, his hand fumbling easily to tug at the two loose strings that easily removed the two triangles covering her breasts. He flicked it aside immediately and took one of them into his mouth.

“Oh my _god_ ,” she groaned, probably louder than she meant to, which caused her to giggle softly. Her hands tightened on his shoulders as her head snapped back again, just as he moved to the second. He didn’t waste much time as his kisses trailed down her body, his fingers hooking onto the string ties on each side of the bikini bottom that was just barely hiding her from him at this point.

His eyes went up to hers, silently asking permission. He found his answer somewhere in between her smile and bite of the lip, and a soft shrug of her hip against his hand, encouraging him to continue. He tugged at both strings without much effort, the small piece of fabric melting away and disappearing somewhere beneath the sheets. 

She expected him to move back up to join her, she was ready to pull his briefs off. She was thinking about feeling him inside of her, letting it distract her from her wreck of a life, and just feeling the possibility of a few minutes out of her own head. But she felt his hands open her thighs a bit wider instead, his tongue soon against her center.

Her entire body tensed as she fisted the sheets below her, suddenly having to fight to stay still. It was a foreign sensation, one she had forgotten about, even, and her eyes shut tightly. 

Blake glanced up, placing a kiss on her inner thigh. “I see you’re enjoying that,” he quipped, then chuckled, before his tongue ran across her center again, teasing her relentlessly. 

“Feels incredible,” she admitted breathlessly, then realizing her normal inhibitions seemed to completely disappear. If she had been more sober, she would have talked herself into a panic attack in her head. But with Blake’s tongue swirling where it was, _fuck_ , there weren’t any thoughts left up there. 

His lips were suddenly back on hers, his body delicious against her naked frame. Her fingers were tugging at the sides of his boxers trying to wiggle them down, and she started to giggle as she awkwardly got stuck and was unable to move them anymore. She frowned, and he laughed as he shifted to give her more access to get them off. He kicked them off in some direction, and her eyes rested on one mighty big erection. 

“Whoaaaaa,” she said, staring at his dick. Belatedly, she realized she was staring and she giggled, looking up to him as her hand went over her mouth, her eyebrows raised in shock that she had just let that come out.

Blake started laughing along with her, and leaned forward to place a kiss on her neck. While he was there, he whispered into her ear. 

“You’re fucking adorable, you know that?”

Instead of responding, she pulled him back down to her and kissed him deeply. She wiggled a bit underneath him, opening her legs wider for him, silently inviting him in.

“You better put it to good use,” she whispered and laughed, her breath hitching slightly as he began to enter her.

“How rough do you like it?” He asked, nibbling her ear. 

Her hands were behind his head and pulling him back to her lips.

“I came here to forget. I’m going to need you to do whatever it takes to help me do that.”


	2. It's Kinda Complicated, That's For Sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, thank you for all of the love on the first chapter! Keep that up and my motivation will be at an all time high, lol. I found some inspiration and got the next chapter ready to go, so here it is <3
> 
> To get a better feel for it, think about all those looks Gwen served in the music video for Settle Down. Yikes 😬 But those are the vibes...
> 
> xoxo

**PRESENT DAY/ONE YEAR LATER**

She didn’t want to be there. 

Gwen sighed, staring down into the half empty glass in her hand. The stereotypical and tired L.A. club sounds were blaring around her - everything from the music pumping out of the speaker, the DJ chilling in the corner with a little too much love for the bass, various levels of drunken and tipsy people around her. She didn’t find herself in a judgmental mood, but she found that too many people in general were simply irritating to her these days. It probably didn’t matter what state they were in. 

Her body leaned in more against the bar as she finished off the brown liquor in her glass, sliding it forward for the bartended to collect it. She nodded briskly as he asked if she wanted another, her fingers soon gripping the edges as she brought it towards herself in an all too familiar motion. Before she could bring it to her lips, Pharrell slid up next to her, his back leaning against the bar, his eyes fixated on her.

She didn’t let it deter her. She sipped once, setting the glass back down gently for the time being.

“What?” she asked, a little more pointedly than she intended.

He scoffed. “We’ve been here for what, ten minutes? Already on your second?”

“Don’t you have something better to do than keep track of my alcohol intake?” she snapped back, taking another long sip out of pure defiance. “Don’t start. I don’t even want to be here. You know that.”

“You don’t exactly want to be _anywhere_ right now, G,” he countered. 

She took the second drink back, chugging it down, almost immune to the burn down her throat. She let the glass clink against the bar a little louder than she normally would, and she motioned for another. 

“I think you’ve had enough for now,” Pharrell said, his hand moving to slide the third drink towards him before she could get her hands on it. 

Gwen whipped her head to the side, suddenly angry.

“It’s a bar, P. People drink at bars. What did you expect? _You_ decided where this little _meet up_ would take place, not me,” she reminded him. “I don’t even know why you want me to meet these people. I already know Adam, and why is Blake so damn special that I can’t just wait and meet him _tomorrow_?”

Pharrell hummed, considering her words for a few moments.

“I’mma let that slide, because I know, deep down, that isn’t you talking right now,” he responded calmly. He kept his voice low as he continued. “G, you’re one of my best friends, we go way back. You’ve had a horrible time lately and I acknowledge that completely. I know that healing isn’t on a specific timeline. But you’ve been living in our guest house for six months now. You’re spiraling, I hate to say it. Living close to us was supposed to help you, not _enable_ you to do this to yourself.”

“Sorry your marriage is perfect and you don’t understand,” she mumbled. 

He sighed. “I really wish you would let someone care about you right now,” he offered in response. “It’s _so_ hard to watch this.”

“Well it’s harder to _live_ it,” she responded. “Who the hell cares what I do anyways? I’m drinking more, so what? It’s not like I drink when I have Apollo.”

“You’re not far off from blurring those lines.”

She took her third drink out of his hand, taking a long sip from it and setting it down. 

“I didn’t ask for your opinion of my parenting skills,” her tone was more deadpan - hurt, even. “How could you even insinuate that I would put him in harm’s way like that?” Her eyes were burning into his, and she was just trying to keep herself angry at him long enough to not allow the moisture to escape from her eyes.

“Because something I say would _eventually_ have to get under your skin,” he countered calmly. “It’s actually reassuring to finally see you _react_ to something in a way other than yelling at it, to see that there is at least _one_ thing left in this world you care about.”

She swallowed, her gaze going down to the wooden bar in front of her.

“Why did you let him do this to you?” His words were soft, pained, even.

Those words hung between them longer than she cared for, but she was really holding herself back. She had ten things to say to that, really, and deep down she knew it would be closer to just a scream instead of a coherent sentence if she let herself react too strongly.

“You’re just not yourself, and I’m worried. We’ve been worried,” he admitted. “You’re allowed to break down, you’re allowed to experiment with coping mechanisms, and I’m not judging your life _whatsoever_. But you can’t keep this up. The random guys coming and going from the guest house late at night. That dude you’re casually - I don’t know, are you dating him? He’s all wrong for you and I feel like that’s exactly why you spend time with him. I’ve seen you eat _popcorn_ washed down with whiskey as the cornerstone of your diet for the last week. I am trying to be there for you, I am trying to help you. But I don’t know how.”

“Forcing me onto a TV show right now was a super smart idea if I’m such a fuck up, then,” she scoffed. “I don’t even know why I came here.”

“Gwen, you need _something_ constructive in your life right now. Is _The Voice_ the answer? I don’t know, maybe. But you need to get out of the house and be around people that you don’t intend to drag into your bed tonight. And damnit, you’re so _good_ when you have the opportunity to be creative.” He sighed.

“So what are you saying?” She asked next, her gaze going back to him. “Are you saying you’re going to kick me out of the guest house?” Her demeanor had changed suddenly, a hint of upset in her voice and eyes. It even bordered on betrayal.

“No,” he responded simply. “I wouldn’t do that to you, Gwen.” He sighed again, and chose his next words carefully. “Besides, I don’t think Rocket would ever allow Apollo to leave at this point. He called him his “best friend brother” this morning.”

Even when she tried to stay angry at him because it was easier, she couldn’t prevent the small smile across her lips as her gaze went to her hands.

A big grin erupted across Pharrell’s face, his arm snaking around her stomach and tugging her close to him in a side hug. He pecked a friendly kiss on her cheek, then catching her gaze again. 

“There you are,” he said confidently. “Come on, don’t disappear on me like that again.”

The affection he was showing her was foreign, and it almost hurt. “Stop,” she barely got the whispered word out of her mouth before her eyes were shutting tightly closed, suddenly finding herself trying to maintain her composure. 

“No, I will not,” he said, his other arm coming around her completely for a full hug. “You haven’t let me hug you in weeks. Suck it up.” He squeezed her tighter and she let him for a few moments before she nodded and pulled away from him gently. He caught the hint of moisture building up in her eyes as she cast her gaze down to the bar.

“I can’t handle this, not right now,” she shook her head, forcing her concentration to her composure. “Please don’t make me break down in public again.”

He nodded knowingly, though continued to stand close by. She swiped under her eyes, then looking at her fingertips seeing the faint traces of smudged makeup. 

“Damnit, Pharrell,” she whispered softly, no hint of actual anger in her voice anymore. 

“Love you too,” he nudged her, and nodded his head in the direction of where he knew the restrooms were. “Take a little walk, take a few minutes and get cleaned up. It’ll make you feel better.”

Gwen nodded, and didn’t even have to consider it twice before turning away, heading towards the back towards the restroom. 

She stepped inside, thankful for the dimmed lights as she approached the mirror. She set her small handbag on the counter as she forced herself to take a breath, soon grabbing a few of the paper towels from the dispenser. Her eyes fell on the ornate mosaic pattern that made up the sink, lingering for just a few minutes before she forced her gaze back up to her own reflection. The way she looked on the outside was a far cry from how she felt on the inside. She was dressed and made up completely - a typical overly glamorized L.A. bar hopper. Her blonde locks were tugged back into a messy albeit complicated updo, pulled out of her face completely. The makeup she had on that wasn’t smudged was contoured and flawless - she couldn’t stand the imperfections and she quickly smudged away the black makeup under her eye as she thought about it. She had tight patterned pants on and a simple black see-through tank, as simple but sexy black bra underneath. 

_Who knew death could look so alive._

She finished up quickly as she was no longer alone at the counter, zipping her bag and letting out a breath before heading back out into the madness. 

It didn’t happen often, but she felt shorter the moment she stepped back out into the bar that had seemed to double up in occupancy in the short time she had stepped away. Her eyes went over to the spot at the bar where she left Pharrell, but there was a small group of unfamiliar couples occupying the space now. She began to wade through the crowd slowly, trying to see if she could spot her friend. 

Out of nowhere, an incredibly tall man reminiscent of a giant football player was backing up into her at an unstoppable speed, her small body flung back like an afterthought. She lost her balance as he elbowed back into her and she grimaced, but before she actually hit the ground, someone grabbed her quickly, pulled her out of the guy’s path and stood her up straight. 

Her hand immediately went to the throbbing pain she felt on her shoulder from being elbowed, her eyes closed as she felt shaken up from the encounter. For the first time in a long time, she was regretting how much alcohol she had sucked down so fast as it was suddenly making her unsteady. 

“Ma’am, are you alright?”

_That accent._

It hit her so unexpectedly, so out of place. She hadn’t heard anything like that recently. She swallowed when she remembered the last time she heard it. Her gaze went up to him - not expecting that it was actually who she thought it was, but unable to deny the way he held her up with his arms was the exact angle and feeling she had remembered. 

Blake’s eyes went wide, the makeup she was wearing only a fleeting distraction as recognition settled upon his features. 

“Renee?” he asked, his face simply painted in shock more than anything else. His eyes went to her holding her own shoulder. “Are you uh, are you ok? Looked like a nasty hit.”

She almost scoffed. “I’m drunk,” she said boldly. “I have to be. Because there’s no way you’re standing right in front of me right now.” 

_Or maybe that was exactly what was happening, her terrible fucking luck really messing with her this week._

She didn’t feel drunk, not even when her stomach went up into knots as soon as he offered her a genuine smile and a small chuckle. 

“I, uh — “ he began weakly, realizing he was still holding onto her but he let her go to stand on her own. His head tilted slightly, taking in her features - like he was searching for recognition of some kind but couldn’t quite grasp it. “Actually, it’s really nice to see you again, if I’m being honest.”

“Is it?” she inquired simply in response, and then couldn’t help but shake her head and laugh. It wasn’t the type of laugh that invited others to join along in the fun, though - it was dipped in something cold, and came off as unfeeling. “Guess you should have thought about that a year ago, Jake.” Her eyes closed for a moment, and she let out a breath. “I’ve already got enough bad shit going on for one night, so I’m just going to — “

“Gwen, there you are!” Adam’s head popped up from the crowd suddenly, he was making his way towards them. Her heart nearly stopped as her name was thrown loudly at her, casually, without a care in the world. Pharrell was in tow, sipping on a beer as he carefully excused himself through the crowd.

Blake furrowed his brows at Adam, looking down to Gwen, realizing the two of them were locking eyes. Realizing he was talking to the woman Adam just referred to as _Gwen_. Further realizing, they had all come out to this bar tonight to meet the newest addition to the coaches team. Freaking _Gwen_ Stefani. Even still, the realization was slow to hit as all he could do was watch the scene unfold in front of him. 

Adam didn’t help matters as he immediately grabbed Gwen around the waist and lifted her into an excited hug. She allowed him to do so for a few moments, before pressing down on his shoulder. 

“Let me down,” she mumbled, really in no mood for any of this right now. 

“Blake, my man, what’s goin’ on?” Pharrell stepped forward as it was Blake’s turn to be helplessly called out on an old lie, the two of them quickly bro hugging even as Blake’s eyes stayed on Gwen in front of him.

“This is great, easy introduction, you two have met,” Adam commented. 

“Apparently it was a lie,” Gwen said coldly, giving Blake a once over. She looked to Pharrell. “I’m out.”

She didn’t give him any chance to convince or sway her otherwise, her legs carried her briskly towards the door. Pharrell looked to Adam, wholly confused, the two of them looking to Blake. He put his hands up in surrender, and shook his head. 

“Long story,” he dismissed, and stepped away towards the bar for a drink.

———————

It took a handful of drinks and a whole lot of pestering to get anything out of Blake, but Adam was relentless.

“Wait wait wait, let me get this straight,” Adam was laughing now. “You met Gwen at a bar, she told you her name was Renee, and you had no idea who she was?”

“She didn’t look like all of _that_ ,” Blake said defensively, gesturing in the air. “She didn’t have the fancy clothes, or, or even the stuff on her face!”

Adam chuckled lowly. “Make-up,” he corrected, rolling his eyes. “You really are helpless sometimes.” He paused, thinking over this information now. “I’ve never seen Gwen without make-up,” he said curiously, then looked to Blake. “I’ve actually seen her get visibly upset when something happens to it. I really just think you must have been drunk that night.”

Blake huffed, taking another drink of his beer. 

Adam started laughing again. “Who the hell do you know named _Jake_?” He asked next. “What is this, a fucking _State Farm_ commercial?”

Blake looked over to him had curious, and half exhausted of him running his mouth. Adam stared back at him until he couldn’t keep quiet anymore.

“Uhh. Jake, from State Farm? The commercial that everyone in this country knows except for you apparently?”

Blake rolled his eyes, not even wanting to give Adam the satisfaction anymore. “Are you done yet?”

“Mmmm…” he considered for a moment, eyeing Blake curiously. “The question I have left now is, why is _Renee_ so fucking pissed at you? What did you do, _Jake_?”

Blake didn’t flinch, and continued to enjoy his drink in the same manner as he was moments before. Being ignored led Adam right up to the truth, unknowingly, and he bust out laughing again.

“You _totally_ slept with her, oh my god,” Adam exclaimed.

“For the love of all things holy, will you _please_ keep your goddamn voice down?”

“Who cares? Nobody knows who we’re talking about,” he shrugged off. “And that was actually a lot easier for me to get you to admit to that then I thought, wow.”

“Why does Behati put up with you? You’re relentless.”

“Well, I am the father of her child, I’m sure that will help save me for at least a few more years.” He paused. “Back to you, though. Man, you’re fucked.”

“Why do you say that?” Blake questioned. “Unlike you, I can be an adult, Adam. I can be nice to people and work alongside them if they don’t want to talk to me. I don’t see the issue here.”

“You don’t know Gwen,” Adam shrugged once. “If you got her into bed with you and you did something boneheaded like you left before she woke up, I would _not_ want to be sitting in your shoes right now.”

The way Blake looked over at him immediately confirmed to Adam that he had even managed to call _that_ one, too. 

“Damn,” Adam said, shaking his head with a sigh, finally taking a drink and letting Blake get a word in edgewise.

“What do you mean, _you don’t know Gwen_?” Blake questioned next, even though he knew deep down he shouldn’t be encouraging Adam to continue. 

“She’s a serial monogamist, dude,” Adam said honestly. “Though I know she’s been going off the rails here lately. If you’re saying you’re sure it’s been about a year since you saw her, you are _probably_ the first one night stand that girl has ever had. It’s just not her style.”

“Thanks, Adam,” he said blandly, standing up and setting his beer down on the bar.

“I can’t _wait_ for tomorrow.”

———————

Gwen exhaled the moment she heard the soft knocks on the front door of the guest house, knowing it could only be one person.

She opened the door slowly, tentatively, as Pharrell looked in on her. She had ditched the fancy club clothes and was in a simple pair of leggings and a muscle tank, her hair piled on top of her head in a bun, whatever makeup left still smudged on her face. 

Gwen didn’t even say anything and left the door open, turning around to walk inside and taking a seat back down on the couch. Pharrell closed the door behind him, following behind a few beats later.

“Not the Gwen I expected to find, if I’m honest,” he said, taking a seat on the couch with her, but on the opposite side. 

“Well, which one did you want?” she asked him back. “There’s not exactly a lot to pick and choose from these days.”

He cut right to the chase. “What’s going on? What was that all about, back at the bar?”

Gwen rolled her eyes and sniffed. “It’s a long story, is what it is,” she responded. “God, please tell me you can get me out of that stupid contract I signed. I can’t do this. I can’t be near him.”

“How do you even know him?” Pharrell asked next, still lost over all of this. “And why does he think your name is Renee?”

“Well he told me _his_ was _Jake_ , first of all,” she said bitterly, with a roll of her eyes. 

Pharrell held up his hands in surrender. “I didn’t make any accusations or say anything bad about anyone, I’m just trying to understand what’s going on here.”

“He was the first person I slept with after — ” she whispered suddenly, just trying to will it out of her before this entire conversation got too complicated and frustrating for both of them, but still unable to even say his name. “A year ago. Didn’t end well. Okay?”

“You…you and Blake?”

“Technically _Jake_ , because the entire thing was apparently a lie.” She felt herself getting frustrated and she forced an exhale. “Can we just drop it?”

“Okay,” Pharrell agreed, letting the silence fall between them once more. It was short lived, as he wanted to get one more thing in before dropping it completely. “Whatever _did_ happen, though. He’s an idiot.”

“You don’t have to say that about your friend on my account,” she responded. “I’ll _live_.”

Pharrell nodded solemnly, his eyes going to Gwen once more. 

“Do you want me to stay a little longer?” He asked her.

Gwen shook her head. “I have a headache, I’m probably just going to go to bed. But thanks.”

Pharrell stood up, walking behind the couch and unexpectedly placing his hand on top of her head.

“Lay off the liquor, I bet it wouldn’t be so bad up there.”

“Hangovers happen the day _after_ , P. Not during.”

“You might think you’re being sneaky, but you’re not. Can’t sit there and fool me. This headache _is_ a hangover from yesterday.”

“ _Goodnight_ ,” she responded stubbornly, not moving from her seat. Pharrell sighed, showing himself out. 

Her eyes went to the ceiling before she closed them tightly.

Tomorrow was going to _suck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully it lived up to expectations? Let me know what you think ❤️


	3. Trying To Get A Hold On This

Another day, another place she desperately did not want to be.

It had kept her up all night, the image of his face suddenly coming back into her life so abruptly. It was an image she had held onto in her memories, one that made her cringe and yet somehow felt like warmth at the same time. She was partially in a state of shock as she never thought she’d see him again, and the entire situation just drained her of any and all energy as she struggled to make sense of it. 

And it still didn’t resonate that she was about to be faced with the same reality that day, let alone the weeks she was going to have to spend near him.

Her oversized dark sunglasses not only hid her fatigued features from the world, but they moderately helped the especially bright sun that decided to make an appearance that day. Her head was pounding. Thank god Pharrell was driving, she probably would have bailed altogether if she had to manage not only getting herself put together at a bare minimum level, but also driving and battling through the traffic in L.A. to get to the studio lot. She was thankful her friend must have picked up on the cue that she wasn’t feeling that great, and he didn’t seem to try and talk much as they drove down the highway.

As soon as he parked, she sighed and stepped out of his car, spotting a nervous P.A. on the move and running over to greet her. She really hoped the girl was coming for Pharrell, but no such luck existed as her eyes were coming straight at Gwen.

“Hi!” The plucky, ambitious younger girl practically squealed. She was so happy to be alive, it almost hurt to look at her - because Gwen truly forgot what that was even like. “I’m Amelia, and you’re Gwen Stefani,” she breathed. “Oh my god, okay, I’m trying to be professional here, but I literally love you and I’m sorry I just had to get that out.” She ran all of her words together as if they were one, and Gwen was already feeling a migraine coming on strong as an upgrade from her current headache. 

“Hi,” she practically whispered. “Amelia? That’s really sweet, I really appreciate it,” Gwen tried to force a small, genuine smile for the girl. No matter how bad she was feeling, she had to just remind herself that this girl didn’t have anything to do with her messed up life. And no matter how bad her day was, she genuinely did appreciate her fans. “Is it ok if we take the volume down just a _tiny_ bit? I’m sorry, I’m really just not feeling all that great today.”

“Oh my god yeah of course,” Amelia responded, her voice lowering. “I’m so sorry.” She paused briefly. “I have strict orders to get you over to hair and make up, but once I drop you off, can I get you anything? Aspirin? Coffee?”

“All of the above?”

“Great yeah, of course no problem, I’d be honored,” Amelia nodded quickly. “Right this way.”

Pharrell came around to her side, leaning in to speak lowly so only she could hear. 

“You’ll be alright today, G,” he encouraged her. “You know you’ve got me if you need me.”

“Yeah,” was all she said, not feeling totally convinced. 

Her walk was slow, a stark contrast to Amelia’s super quick and peppy speed that the young girl had to dial back to keep pace with Gwen. Despite how pathetic she felt, her back straightened up slightly and her walk was just a bit quicker as soon as she saw Blake standing outside of one of the trailers. She kept her head and gaze straight ahead, not daring to flinch, even when she felt his eyes on her.

Thank god for dark lenses. 

She poured herself into the chair she was directed to, but didn’t bother to remove her sunglasses yet. She was dreading it, really. She was dreading the entire day ahead of her, and more immediately, the reaction the make up artist would have when they realized they _really_ had their work cut out for them that day. 

——

After what felt like hours letting various people poke and prod her - first with hair and makeup then with wardrobe - she was finally escorted to the trailer that they called hers. 

“I know it’s not much right now, but if you’re interested I could decorate a little for you, make it more cozy,” Amelia offered, as she eyed the walls with a walk around the room.

“It’s fine,” Gwen responded, laying on the couch and closing her eyes. “Just bright, that’s all.”

The young girl didn’t even flinch that Gwen had done that, despite being fully made and dressed up in a tiny sparkly dress for some photoshoot she had to go to soon. Like clockwork, Amelia reached over and turned out the lights, responding to it as if it were a request. It was only a few, precious, coveted seconds of silence before Amelia’s phone was going off once again. 

“Oh,” she said suddenly. “Umm, they need you in ten minutes to start the shoot.” Amelia looked expectantly at Gwen, before biting her lip. “I’ll just step out, give you a few minutes. Do you remember where it is?”

“I’ll manage,” she responded. “Thank you, Amelia.”

The sound of her trailer door closing was the best one she had heard all day. The sound she now noticed - the ticking of the clock on the wall - was a welcome relief, even though she was now thinking about all of the time passing and getting closer to having to move again. She had to drag herself into a standing position, and she reluctantly exited her trailer and headed towards the set after a few more minutes of taking in the much needed silence. 

She walked up behind Pharrell as she spotted him, letting her hand rest gently on his shoulder to silently tell him she was there. 

He looked back to her and offered a smile, though kept his eye on her for a moment. His voice was low. “ _Now_ can I call it a hangover?”

“Shut up,” she mumbled. Before he could respond, the photographer perked up after testing some equipment and was on his way over to them. 

“Alright, we have you two and - where’s Adam, Blake?” He called out, his eyes looking around the room. “Ahh yes, come come, gather up.” He motioned them over to Gwen and Pharrell, and they joined them a few moments later. “So this photoshoot is all about _happiness_ ,” he emphasized. “We’ll get some shots that are more staged, or posed, I guess, but then I really just want you all to have fun after that. Tell jokes, laugh, just have a good time. You’re all friends, right? Just be friends!”

The four of them somewhat awkwardly looked between themselves, all different levels of knowledge of the dynamics currently at play. 

“Okay then,” the photographer piped up, looking between them. “I guess the easy way to start is with the staged ones.” He was thinking, still looking between them, but then his eyes seemed to ping pong back and forth just between Gwen and Blake. “You two are kind of adorable next to each other,” he remarked.

Gwen swallowed, and Blake felt himself slightly tense up. Adam and Pharrell seemed to be holding their breaths, just waiting to see what was about to happen. “Blake, come over here and sit on this block,” he instructed, and Blake followed. The photographer looked back to Gwen. “Gwen,” he said, motioning her over - she reluctantly moved herself forward, her eyes staying on him. To her surprise, he motioned Pharrell and Adam over too, just behind her.

“Adam I think I want you on the ground,” the photographer said next, and Adam obliged. He moved Adam into the position he wanted - one leg stretched out in front, the other casually bent to the side, angled to look up at Blake without losing his face in the shot. “Excellent,” he said, then looked back to Blake. 

“Swing your legs off to the side,” the photographer continued. “Prop up on your arm…” he began to position Blake, and suddenly he turned and took Gwen’s shoulders and moved her right up to him. He pressed her to sit down, _practically in his lap_ , leaned back and tucked up under him. 

She froze at the sudden proximity they had to one another, their bodies touching in more places than one. She felt hers tense as she swallowed, the smell of his aftershave hitting her senses and giving her weird feelings again. She even thought she felt the faint sensation of his breathing against her shoulder. She couldn’t concentrate on anything else, didn’t even realize when the photographer had placed Pharrell next to them. And then she heard his voice in her ear. 

“You know, we could call a truce and this might be a lot easier for the both of us,” Blake suggested. 

She didn’t flinch, her eyes stayed straight ahead. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

The photographer was snapping photos, throwing direction out, but she could barely even listen.

“I still don’t understand why you’re so angry,” Blake said next, through the smile he had plastered on his face only for the camera. 

“Then you’re stupid,” she responded simply.

“Blake, try putting your arm around Gwen, pull her in closer to you and Pharrell,” the photographer instructed.

He hesitated, but he nodded and carefully, _cautiously_ , put his arm around Gwen. She flinched just in the slightest, but allowed his hand to rest against her skin. His hand had a rugged comfort about it, his palm was warm, and she hated the way it made her feel. The way that she would never admit to herself how much she wanted _both_ hands on her body.

“Typical man, trying to absolve yourself of any responsibility,” she mumbled, her eyes going back forward.

Blake inwardly chuckled before responding. “Because you’re the picture of _responsibility_ yourself…”

Adam looked up to them between the camera flashes and the quick breaks, also a smile plastered on his face. “Can you two please not kill each other at work?” He asked. “It’s also probably frowned upon in our contracts…”

“Gwen, you need to smile more. You don’t look like you’re having any fun,” the photographer said, pausing the shots. 

She stood up suddenly, at her wit’s end.

“Well I’m _not_ , and I’m _done_ pretending,” she remarked angrily, storming off of the set. Her eyes flashed to Blake upon her exit. “Pretending is just as bad at _lying_.”

Everyone fell into a somewhat shocked pause, most just watching Gwen leave, and nobody knowing quite what to do next. Adam’s voice was the first to pipe up, and it was directed at Blake.

“This is your fault, dude,” Adam said, annoyed. “You need to go fix this, or we aren’t getting anywhere this season.”

“I really doubt she wants to talk to me,” Blake responded, rolling his eyes.

“It _really_ doesn’t matter,” Adam shot back. “Go after her. Get in a room with her. Let her yell at you, I don’t know, I’m confused as hell but you two have to figure out how to get it together.”

Blake glanced to Pharrell, who just held his hands up in surrender, indicating he did not plan on saying anything. Annoyed and frustrated, Blake went to his feet and walked off the set, following in Gwen’s path.

When he knocked on her trailer door, it only took a few moments before she opened it. It took even less time than that for her to promptly close it without a word. He exhaled, and normally wouldn’t have done what he was about to do, but something had to give. He took hold of the door handle and pushed it open, letting himself in and walking inside.

“It’s rude to break and enter,” she said from the corner, back turned to him. She was pouring the contents of a flask into a glass.

“It’s not breaking and entering if the door is unlocked,” he shot back. “And I’d say it’s _worse_ to slam the door in someone’s face.”

“Don’t you have your own trailer?” she asked him next.

His eyes went to the glass in her hands. “What’s your deal? It’s not even lunchtime yet. Is seeing me _really_ that horrible for you?”

“If I wanted someone to judge me, I’d call Pharrell. So you can fucking leave now.”

Blake felt the anger and frustration threatening to break through the surface but he knew if he started to lash out, it would only make things that much worse. He mentally willed himself to keep it as bay as long as he could.

“Gwen, you and I need to _talk_. We need to figure out how we’re going to work together, here. I can’t come here every day if this is what it’s going to be like.”

“Then don’t come,” she said with a shrug, sipping on the glass.

“Come on,” Blake rolled his eyes. “All of us are under contract, we have to be here now.”

“Well then get out of it,” she responded again. 

“Get out of it?” He repeated. “Why would - no, why _should_ I have to do that? I actually want to be here, and it’s clear that you don’t. Why don’t you get out of yours?”

“I already tried.”

“So then what makes you think they would let me out of mine?”

“I don’t know!” Her voice was louder now, the volume of which shocked them both into a temporarily silence. 

Blake swallowed, his eyes cast down before he said his next words.

“You’re not the woman I met in San Diego,” his words stung in an odd way, she felt it in her entire body and it was completely unexpected. She couldn’t even manage a response at first. She knew what he meant by them, but it just felt so much easier - so much simpler - to hold on to the anger.

“I didn’t meet you in San Diego,” she scoffed, her eyes narrow. “I met _Jake_ in San Diego. You and I are strangers, I obviously don’t know the first thing about you.”

“Then why are you so mad?” He asked, trying not to show that her words also stung. She sipped her drink as her body tensed, not having an answer to give him. “Why is the distinction so important to you? What happened to you after you left Coronado?”

She threw the rest of the drink back, her eyes only briefly on him as she ignored his questions again. She turned to pour another, but Blake was quick and by her side, snatching the glass out of her hand before she even had a chance. 

“That’s _enough_ ,” he almost growled, his frustration obvious. “I’m not going to stand here and watch you get wasted and ruin the day for the rest of us that came here to work.”

His proximity to her now was disarming. His body was towering over hers, he was so close that she could just reach out and touch him effortlessly. She didn’t understand how she could be so conflicted, how she could want him so badly to want _her_ in those moments, but also feeling the full effect of the frustration and anger she had built up inside overtime. The thought crossed her mind that “anger” and “frustration” might actually just be _hurt_ , but she forced the thought aside as her gaze went up to him again.

“Breaking, entering, and stealing personal property,” she scoffed. “You’re racking up quite the list, _Jake_.”

He shook his head. “I liked you a whole lot better as Renee.”

“And how would you even know?” She laughed. “You know nothing about me.”

“I don’t like anything I’ve seen, it’s not that far of a leap.”

“Well, lucky for you, it’s a lot less complicated on my end,” she quipped back quickly, before she could process that and realize it felt like a punch in the gut. “Because I don’t care for _either_ version of you.”

“And you know what?” He responded immediately, his voice raising. “I don’t care _what_ you think, I don’t care _who_ you like or don’t like at this point.” He rolled his eyes and laughed. “All of this is ridiculous, and you need to grow up. It was obviously just one stupid one night stand, one that _you_ initiated, I’d like to remind you. It’s kind of sad that you’re still this upset about it a year later. I must have been _good_.”

He was taunting her now, and that probably made the entire situation feel worse. Her anger was devolving into hurt, but she clenched her teeth in an effort to focus on the anger, to really focus on anything in those moments to not let him win. She wouldn’t let him see that she felt defeated.

“Leave me alone,” she managed, a hint of confidence returning to her voice. “Blake, just leave me alone. I will sit in a chair next to you and pretend to laugh at your jokes. I will pretend to fight you over a singer, or whatever the fuck we’re supposed to do.” She exhaled. “But we’re not friends. When the cameras turn off, just stay away from me. Don’t ask about my life, don’t talk about the weather. And I’ll do the same.”

Despite his harsh words, it was the last thing he wanted. And the truth that she would never admit to herself was that it was the last thing she wanted, too. But he knew there was so much more going on with her, and forcing the issue on this wouldn’t work out well for anyone. If this was what had to be done to keep the peace, it was what had to happen. 

“Fine,” he said, his hands going up in surrender as he stepped away from her. “Have it your way. I’ll leave you alone, and we’ll never talk about any of this again.”

Gwen nodded once, acknowledging their simple agreement for the time being as the silence fell for a few moments. Her gaze averted from his when it got to be too intense, and her hand reached out for her flask on the beverage cart, but Blake suddenly grabbed it and threw it furiously across the room. The loud collision of the flask hitting the wall caused her to jump. 

“ _Stop it_ ,” his words were low, angry, and through gritted teeth. “Get yourself together, and get your ass back out there and finish this damn shoot with us. Live in your fucking fantasy land and pretend I’m Jake, or whatever gets you through the day, but stop fucking everything up for everyone else. Quit being so damn selfish.”

And with that, he turned as he took the last few remaining steps to open the trailer door, shutting it behind him with more power than he intended, marking his exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is going to take a little longer to get to the happy, so I hope you're ready for a ride. As always, please let me know what you think. I also need to throw in a super special shout out to rocksteadyshefani & InspiredObsession. You two are filled to the brim with good energy and you keep my creative juices flowing and I love you both dearly. 
> 
> I know I'm saying it again but - THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE LOVE <3 You guys should keep it up, it's giving me mad inspiration 😍❤️


	4. Baby, You're The Devil I Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so, quick story!
> 
> I was catching up on a TV show a few days ago, and this hauntingly perfect song came on. I literally paused the episode and had to go listen to it - I read the lyrics and, extra creepy, is basically Gwen from this story in a song. Since there seems to be a lot of love for this darker version of Gwen, I wanted to share! IDK if links work here but it's called _Devil I Know_ by Allie X, and you should totally listen to it ❤️ 
> 
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtAfii8_36A
> 
> Extra long chapter in 3...2...1...
> 
> xoxo

She had made it a week - but she couldn’t go home just yet. 

Gwen sighed, thinking back to Pharrell explaining and re-explaining it to her many times over. Blah blah blah, it’s tradition at _The Voice_ , something about a party, back lot, a bonfire - she gave up and gave in as soon as she heard there would at least be alcohol there, and saying _yes_ to Pharrell would at least appease him in the short term. But all she really wanted to do, deep down, was crash for the night.

Dean was an entirely different story, though. The all-wrong-for-her casual _thing_ she had going with him was usually more irritating than it was fulfilling, but she didn’t care enough to end it. He was something to do, something to distract her, and he hadn’t completely outgrown his usefulness as of yet. Convincing him to drive to the other side of town to go to this party with her was more agonizing than it should have been, but he relented as he had no other plans that night that didn’t involve Gwen. The original plan of just going to one of their bars again quickly disappeared into thin air, the feeling of the guilt he imparted upon her during their conversation still pricking at her in the slightest. 

She was staring at herself in the mirror - her eyes going over her cut off shorts and low cut tank - when there was a knock at her trailer. She pulled it open, Dean standing a few steps down - she bit her lip into a smile and her arms went around his neck, kissing him roughly as a greeting. He was only taken aback for a moment as he chuckled, seemingly casting the tension of their earlier conversation away as his arms went around her waist and he grabbed hard onto her ass, pulling her into him as he kissed her back. Gwen’s legs hooked around his midsection, and Dean turned slightly so that her back went against the wall of the trailer, helping him leverage to hold her up easier.

Dean chuckled lowly and nibbled at her lip. “Mmm. You’ve already started, I see.”

“Started?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “Started what?”

“Jim or Jack?” He asked, eyebrow raised.

“Jack,” she narrowed her eyes. “And he’s nowhere as judgmental as you.” She rolled her eyes and shimmied herself down and out of his arms and embrace to stand on her own. Her body seemed to brace itself for whatever was coming next.

“Ahh come on, I wasn’t judging you, stop being a girl,” he replied. “I’m jealous you got to start early. I’ve been stuck in god awful LA traffic.”

“Yeah, I don’t really know about this party,” she shrugged, her words void of emotion. “Thought it was better to have one of my own not knowing how much it might suck.”

His demeanor seemed to shift suddenly. “Then why’d you make me come?” He sounded irritated, and a little confused, and she took note to tread carefully. Things didn’t end well when he was angry.

“I have to be here tonight,” she responded simply, with a shrug. “At least make an appearance for a while, get Pharrell off my back…”

“Why is that so important to you? Why do you let him dictate your plans?” He interrupted her, his tone growing in annoyance as his eyes narrowed in on her. 

“He’s a friend,” she reminded him. “A _good_ friend. I’m also living at his house right now, so yeah, I need to get him off my back.” Maybe she should have thought a little harder about why he was on her back to begin with, but she pushed the thought aside, not wanting to deal with it. 

“You could live anywhere you wanted to,” he retorted, not letting her get away with that. “I don’t understand it. You let him tell you what to do, where to live, what contract to sign…”

“God damnit just stop it, okay?!” Her voice raised a lot louder than she meant it to, and suddenly she was self conscious about who was around but she couldn’t even bring herself to look. After the week she had being around Blake, the instant criticism was just too much for her. 

Deep down, she knew why she was still staying in Pharrell’s guest house. But she’d never admit to him, and she hardly even admitted to herself that she was too scared to live on her own just yet. As much as she knew she pushed him away, being in proximity of Pharrell and the stability that relationship provided her, at least when she wanted it, felt like the only sure and constant thing she had left in her life. The rest of it was out of control.

“Will you take the stick out of your ass now so we might have a chance at having a decent night? Because you’re already pissing me off,” Dean groaned, pulling out a flask from his back pocket, shoving and holding it into her chest.

She felt the familiar sense of anger stirring in her stomach, recognizing that she wanted to fight. She wanted to tell him to get lost, she felt a surge of anger towards him in her veins. She also knew how much damage that could do at this point. All she could do was focus on was the cold, metal flask pressing onto her bare skin. 

Her hand moved up and took it from him, unscrewing the top and tilting her head back as she took a long drink out of it, willing the liquid to calm her down. His hands snaked under her tank top and onto her bare skin as he pressed her back up against the trailer wall again, his teeth gently nibbling her neck.

“‘Atta girl,” he hummed in approval. “Finish it off, now. You’re a buzzkill when you’re sober.”

“I want something else,” she said, scrunching her nose up and handing it back out to him. “It’s gross.”

His hand subtly, but vigorously grabbed onto her shoulder, holding her body against the trailer.

“I told you to finish it,” his words were low, but intense.

“Please stop, I don’t want to do this with you here,” she managed in a whisper. Her eyes were pleading with him. _You’re hurting me again._

“Hey!” Pharrell’s voice suddenly called over, though he was neutral as he came out of his trailer that was adjacent from hers. Blake was right behind him, and she had to avert her eyes forcefully, willing herself to not think about the fact that he was going to watch whatever was about to happen. The thought made her stomach hurt, knowing how much Dean and Pharrell already despised each other. 

Pharrell carefully approached, but kept a safe distance. He looked from Dean, then down to Gwen. 

“G, you good?”

“Daddy’s calling,” Dean taunted her in a low voice. “You don’t want to disobey him now, do you?”

Her eyes went from Dean, then back to Pharrell. They stayed on him for a few moments, finding the courage she needed. She glanced back to Dean and jerked herself out of his grip harshly. 

“You’re such a fucking asshole,” she scoffed with a newfound sense of confidence, and started to walk off just after shoving the flask into his chest for him to take.

Dean’s reflex was almost catlike how quickly his other hand whipped out and grabbed her arm back. “I didn’t say you could leave,” he growled. “We’re not done talking here.”

She visibly winced as he grabbed her again, but a few more strides and Pharrell was by her side, and he shoved into Dean unexpectedly.

“Get your hands off of her,” his voice was suddenly angry, and Dean lost his grip.

“Pharrell dude, will you chill? This shit also doesn’t involve you,” his words were getting louder, and she felt the attention getting drawn towards them again.

“It DOES involve me when you grab her and hurt her like that,” he snapped back, his words also louder now.

“People are staring,” Gwen said through gritted teeth. “Can both of you just give it a damn rest?”

“You should just send Dean home,” Pharrell responded. “By the looks of it, he’s missing his strip club whores tonight.”

“Damn it, that’s enough!” Gwen exclaimed suddenly, overwhelmed. She grabbed Dean’s arm and forced him to walk away with her before he could return the favor of another insult.

Dean thought about fighting her, he could have easily overpowered Gwen, but he just chuckled to himself and shook his head. He glanced back to Pharrell, who was still fuming and left standing where he had been, and reached down to forcefully grab and squeeze Gwen’s ass as they continued to walk away. She yelped a little, surprised at the sudden move, but continued to keep pace to move them away from the altercation.

_She’s mine. And I will grab her when, where, and how I want. And there’s nothing you can do about it._

———

The bonfire was so large it towered over her, the flames warm and easy to get lost in as a distraction. There were dozens of people in attendance, much bigger than she had expected. Thankfully, with so many new people around, the major dramatics that had gone down earlier in the evening had mostly subsided, most forgetting completely.

Though most in attendance were purposefully mingling, Gwen had stood out most of the evening as she had almost made it a point to do the opposite. She only stuck close to Dean as a constant, and didn’t even move her position much aside from when she needed another drink.

As she sucked the last few drops dry, she walked up to the long table with various liquors, mixers, and beers strewn about. Her eyes were scanning the choices as she was pulled out of her thoughts by the voice that suddenly came from across the table. Not so much what the voice sounded like, but _who_ the voice was talking about.

“Oh Blake, I’ve missed your jokes! It’s just been too long since we’ve hung out, handsome,” the female voice said giddily, and Gwen’s eyes couldn’t help but lock onto the girl to get a look at her. It wasn’t someone she knew in particular, she just knew she had some kind of job around the set - but with the way she was dressed in tiny shorts and a crop top, Gwen could easily gauge what her mission was for the evening. Her brain was starting to get a bit foggy, but that much was undeniable.

“Aww, that’s awful nice of you to say,” Blake’s rugged voice came in return, and she willed herself to not even look in his direction at first. “It’s good to be back, I love doing this show,” he added. 

“Gwen, isn’t Blake just so funny and handsome? God it must be so fun to get to work with him all day.”

She didn’t even _know_ this person that was suddenly making her feel so uncomfortable, but she inwardly rolled her eyes and spotted the bottle she was looking for. Her gaze went up to the other woman.

“Makes me want to just _die_ ,” Gwen emphasized sarcastically, but the woman didn’t seem to catch onto her meaning. Blake did, and that was enough. 

“He has the best stories too, don’t you think? I could just listen to him talk all day about his ranch in Oklahoma…wow, I mean it sounds so incredible…”

She was beyond irritated now, being dragged into a conversation that she didn’t want to be in. “Who _are_ you, even?” she asked, which caused the woman’s face to fall as she began to stammer.

“I uhh,” she began. “I’m sorry, we met a few days ago but I shouldn’t expect you to remember…” she began. “I’m Kylie, one of the production assistants? We met when you were in hair and makeup?”

“Sorry, yeah, I try to block those out,” she mumbled. 

She watched as Blake’s arm went around Kylie then, who looked a bit distraught but then seemed to enjoy the attention from him.

“Don’t take it offensively, Kylie,” Blake said, his eyes going to Gwen. “Some people are just so miserable in their own lives that the only way they know how to deal with it is to try and bring down other people.”

Gwen scoffed and chuckled, shaking her head. Her eyes went to Kylie.

“Good luck tonight, sweetheart,” she said as she picked up her drink from the table. “You’re exactly Blake’s type - desperate and scantily clad. I’m sure he’ll sleep with you.”

Blake chuckled as Gwen began to walk away, and responded to Kylie in a way that guaranteed Gwen would hear. “Gwen would know something about that, after all. She does the _desperate and scantily clad_ routine the best I’ve ever seen.”

The gut punch she felt from his remark wasn’t pleasant, but she forced herself to keep walking away. 

She spent the rest of the night feeling eyes on her every so often. Blake was socializing and making the rounds, but he couldn’t seem to stop visually checking in to her. Sometimes she stared back, and usually he withdrew his gaze immediately, knowing it would irritate her. He was letting that Kylie tramp nuzzle up to him, and it was actually so nauseating to watch after a while that she had to avert her eyes completely.

Dean was relaxed back in an oversized wooden chair, and Gwen soon found her body tangled up and on top of his. One of his arms held her against him and the other was sipping straight whiskey. As she drank a bit more, Gwen was in her giggling and affectionate phase of being drunk, which was all the more sweeter as she felt Blake’s eyes on them as they were together.

“We have an audience,” she purred into Dean’s ear, nibbling it. “We should put on a show.” It was her turn to irritate _him_ , and she was going to enjoy this.

He finished off his drink, settling the glass down next to the chair. His hand lifted and snaked up under her tank top again just as he pulled her in tighter, roughly kissing her. He moved to her neck, nibbling, biting and sucking down it. Her head tilted, allowing him more access, and her eyes dared to flash over to where she had seen Blake standing before.

It was like another punch in the gut when she realized he wasn’t even looking at her anymore.

He was propped back up against a tree trunk, having a conversation with a few random people that she didn’t recognize. Kylie had disappeared for the time being. And even as Gwen was now staring, he wouldn’t look back at her.

“Ow,” she said suddenly, pulling back on instinct as her hand went to her neck, her gaze down to Dean.

“What’s your problem now?”

“You bit me really hard, that hurt,” she winced slightly.

“I’m so fucking over you tonight,” he said suddenly, pushing himself out and up from the chair. It was so swift and unexpected that it sent Gwen tumbling and falling onto the ground. “I need another drink anyways.”

It didn’t even seem to faze her that she was down there, and she just looked up to him. “Are you serious right now?” she asked.

“What the hell is your problem?”

She realized it was Blake who said those words, and she swallowed, not daring to look behind her, now realizing he was standing there. 

Dean sneered as his gaze went over to Blake, doing a once over on him. “Ride ‘em, cowboy,” he said with a chuckle. “What are you going to do about it? _Yee-haw_ me to death?”

The words didn’t even register in her ear before Blake had barreled forward, delivering a punch square across Dean’s jaw. Gwen blinked, her mouth slightly agape, not even able to mentally put all of the pieces together in those moments about what had just happened. Blake punched him again, and Dean ended up on the ground that time. 

“Doesn’t feel that great when you’re the one shoved to the ground, now, does it?” Blake spat. He kicked him once in the legs. “Get the fuck out of here,” he added. “I’m serious. You’re not welcome anymore.”

Dean angrily stumbled to his feet and just stared at Blake, who was staring at him back. He wanted to make a move to fight, but Blake’s stature was slightly intimidating. He lunged to the side, grabbing Gwen’s arm and trying to drag her to her feet. 

“Get your ass up, we’re getting the fuck out of here,” he growled, tugging relentlessly at her.

“She’s not going anywhere with you,” Blake intervened, grabbing his hand and shoving him to force him to release it. “You’re insanely drunk and she’s not getting into a car with you. Go kill yourself for all I care, but you’re not killing her, too.”

Something deep down had already told him Dean would reject any help and would refuse an Uber to get home, it was just the type of guy he was. It was plastered all over his face.

“Fuck you,” he spat. “Fuck all of you, actually.” His eyes narrowed down to Gwen, who was still on the ground. “Call me when you’re over yourself and you’re not hanging out with these fucking idiots.”

And with that, Dean suddenly departed, leaving a clueless Gwen on the ground right where he had dropped her. 

“Nothing else to see here, go away now,” Blake made the announcement, and the crowd that had gathered to witness the drama unfolding slowly began to disperse. He sighed and moved behind Gwen, his hands coming under her arms as he pulled her up and off the ground, setting her in the chair.

“What’s _wrong_ with you?” Her voice finally came to her, and it was angry and directed at Blake.

He had just crouched down in front of her, was a second off from asking if she was okay, and her words took him completely by surprise.

“What are you talking about??” He immediately felt defensive. “I haven’t done anything to you. I’m trying to help you!”

“You’ve been staring at me all night!” She remarked quickly. “You’ve been staring at me all week! Why?! You don’t even talk to me, and then when you do, you’re just talking shit about me _to someone else_ , or inserting yourself in a situation that I was handling just fine on my own because what? You wanted to punch Dean for some reason??”

“Ohhh,” he scoffed and laughed. “You call that _handling it just fine_? The guy threw you on the ground like a piece of trash! And I’m _sorry_ , but not really, I don’t care how much someone hates me, but if I watch a guy shove a woman like that, I’m going to help her, whether she wants it or not.”

“Well _congratulations_ , you can check that off your list!” She shot suddenly to stand up, and Blake followed suit without realizing it.

He was about to throw some other insult right back at her, but his features softened as he caught a hint of red trickling down her shoulder from the back of her neck.

“Gwen, you’re bleeding,” his words were decidedly softer as he motioned to her neck. Her hand went up to her shoulder, and she turned her palm to see blood on it.

“Who’s fault is that?” she mumbled, walking around him as she began to take off. 

Blake stood there for a moment, dumbfounded. He shook his head and went after her.

“I’m not the one that bit your neck!” he proclaimed loudly, which caused her to stop and turn to face him.

“I’m not sure they heard you in San Francisco, maybe you should scream that a bit louder, Blake!”

She looked embarrassed on top of being upset, and though he had more words for her, he took a deep breath and exhaled it.

“I’m sorry,” he said more calmly. “I didn’t mean to embarrass you.” He paused. “I have a first aid kit in my trailer, will you at least let me help you?”

“I don’t need your help,” she deflected, and moved to turn away from him. But he stopped her - first with his hand on her shoulder to put a barrier between her and a clear path. In one quick motion he swooped down, grabbing her legs, and stood back up fully with her hoisted over his shoulder. 

“What the hell?!” She screeched, her body jerking as she realized what was happening. As soon as he was standing fully straight, her arm went around his neck to cling onto as she realized the height she was at.

“I’m tired of this,” he responded. “You’re going to let me help you, whether you want to or not. You can’t act like a bitch just to get out of this one tonight.”

He started walking, and she started panicking. 

“Blake I’m terrified of heights, god please put me down!” 

He sighed as he stopped, feeling that she was genuinely afraid. He gently placed her back on the ground, and felt a bit of guilt creep up on him as he noticed the tears in her eyes.

“Gwen, I’m really just trying to help you,” he sighed, shaking his head.

“Why?” She asked. “Why is it so important for you to help me?”

He ignored the question. “Will you please just come back with me to my trailer? Let me clean this up?” He was about to say _I promise I don’t bite_ , but given the circumstances, he was able to catch that line in his throat before making this more of a mess.

“Fine,” she relented in a whisper, before swallowing again.

The short walk back to his trailer was in silence, and she let him lead the way up the stairs. He held the door open for her, and though she briefly hesitated, she stepped inside with him.

Her eyes scanned his trailer, it looked a lot different than hers. The walls were decorated, he had a lot of personal belongings and memorabilia strewn about on the walls. He had a collection of maybe five or six guitars in the corner, and a lingering scent that filled the room containing notes of cedar - strangely, exactly what she would have expected. 

His hand was on her back now, guiding her into the bathroom. She leaned back against the vanity as Blake rustled in the storage cabinet, and then in the first aid kit. She kept her eyes cast down even as she gently lifted herself up to sit on the counter, her eyes only glancing at the blood stained strap of her tank top.

He reached down to the sink, turned the water on and held his hand under the faucet until the water warmed up. He held the washcloth under the warm water for a minute, his eyes glancing over at her. Though she wasn’t speaking, her eyes stared straight in front of her and were telling a silent story all their own. She was battling demons, and at least for now, she seemed resigned to the fact that he was helping her.

His free hand reached around and gathered her hair, draping it on her opposite shoulder. She grimaced only in the slightest as he pressed the warm washcloth against the small wound on her neck.

“Maybe you should consider a rabies vaccine tomorrow,” he commented softly. It was half an attempt to lighten the mood, but half making soft ball commentary on the fact that this guy bit her hard enough to draw blood. “Or garlic, if the dude is a vampire. Isn’t that what wards them off?”

He pulled back the washcloth to check the wound, and placed it back immediately when he saw it was still bleeding on its own.

But she wasn’t laughing.

Her eyes narrowed into him as they shifted focus, her mind was visibly calculating before she spoke.

“Anything _else_ you want to say?” she snipped back, challenging him.

The small chuckle was caught somewhere in his throat. “No, darlin’, I’ve probably said enough.”

“Come on Blake, now’s your chance,” she was baiting him, and he already knew he was going to fall for it eventually. “Besides, staring at me from the corner of a room is starting to get creepy.”

“You told me to leave you alone,” he responded, his voice returning to normal. “You told me not to talk to you, so I haven’t. And Gwen, it’s a little _hard_ not to look at you when you’re yelling at your boyfriend in the middle of all of our trailers…”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she snapped immediately. “Don’t talk about things that you don’t know anything about.”

“Okay, I won’t,” he agreed calmly, and with a nod. The silence fell for a moment, before he continued. “Whatever he is, though, you deserve a lot better. Real men don’t treat women like that, dating or not.” Blake reached down to turn on the sink again, soaking the washcloth as soon as the water was warm, and wringing it out. He gently swiped it on her neck and shoulder where the blood had trickled down.

“Because you just have a _sense_ about people and you think I’m a good person that doesn’t deserve it, right?” Her words were intentional, mirroring what he said to her that night on the beach. “You’re wrong. Stop fooling yourself into thinking I’m someone I’m not. Because I’m _not_ a good person.”

“You’re a good person in a bad place,” he responded. “It’s different. And I know that because only a good person would say she’s a bad person. Actual bad people don’t usually admit to it.”

She felt like she was fighting a losing battle as the silence fell between them, and she decided to switch the subject back.

“So you ignore me all week and then you storm over to hit Dean like you did,” she scoffed and shook her head. “What is it? A hero complex? Because I can’t think of too many other reasons you’d ditch a chance at getting laid tonight.”

He sighed. “Kylie’s a nice girl, but she’s very young, and not in her right mind tonight,” Blake dismissed. “I’m not that kind of guy.”

“But you’re the type of guy that thinks it’s fine when they’re _old_ and not in their right mind, then. Got it.”

He glanced at her, even though she wouldn’t look at him.

“I take responsibility for my actions in San Diego,” he said unexpectedly. “But not _all_ of the responsibility.” He paused. “Are you trying to insinuate that I took advantage of you?”

He shifted more to stand in front of her, trying to force her eyes to his. He caught them, and they stared for a few moments. She swallowed before she looked away from him.

“No,” she admitted, her voice lightening. No matter how angry or upset she was, she couldn’t bring herself to say something so untrue to him. “You didn’t take advantage of me.”

His shoulders visibly softened and relaxed as he set the washcloth down in the sink, his hand now reaching into the first aid kit. 

“I realize you’re having a bad night, but it might not kill you to apologize to Kylie tomorrow,” he commented, as he gently applied the ointment against her skin. “She’s a good person, despite being a little… _touchy_ …”

“She was _throwing_ herself at you,” she rolled her eyes. “I didn’t ask to be dragged into that conversation. It was gross.”

“And why did it bother you so much?” He asked immediately, not letting up on the topic. He affixed a band-aid onto her skin, then directed his attention back to her. “Are you ever going to tell me what this is all really about?” 

The silence fell as their gazes locked and she didn’t have anything to say to help her out of the hole that she was digging.

“Don’t turn this around on me,” she replied suddenly. “You’ve spent this entire time telling me how I should feel, who I shouldn’t see, what I should do, and how I _deserve so much better_ ,” her hands gripped harder onto the lip of the vanity she was sitting on as her body tensed. “Is that _so much better_ supposed to be you, Blake??”

Their eyes were locked, their breathing was visibly heavier as a pained silence fell between them, the tension thick in the air. And they weren’t even fully conscious _when_ it happened, neither of them could even confirm for certain who made the first move. Gwen only snapped back to reality as her head gently bumped into the mirror behind her, their limbs entangled as Blake’s tongue was suddenly in her mouth, her legs were around his waist, and the rhythm suddenly intensified as their lips battled for dominance.

It was all of the tension and stress they had built up all week, and it was boiling over. 

Her arms snapped and clung around his neck, tugging him hungrily to her as his hands pulled her closer, pulled her legs tighter around his midsection. He shifted her to one arm and pulled greedily, _hastily_ at her tank top, trying to get it off but ripping it instead. They both only looked down at it for a second and inhaled a breath before they continued, Gwen maneuvering the top half of her body to get it off of her completely before her arms were clinging to him again. 

She released them for only a few seconds as she managed to get his shirt off next.

He lifted her up into his arms, her back hitting the wall next to the vanity with an unexpected _thud_ , but it didn’t slow either of them down. Her legs tightened desperately around him as she went in for more, her nails scratching and clinging up and down his back.

He put her legs down suddenly, took her by the waist and turned her against the wall, her stomach pressing against it now instead of her back. His hand gently, but intently held her there as she let out a breath, his other hand wandering across her body. She closed her eyes, holding a moan inside of her as she felt her bra loosen. He drew both hands up, teasing her skin along the way as he dragged the straps off of her shoulders, then down her arms, his fingers _accidentally_ caressing her breasts, and she swallowed suddenly as she realized it was gone, having fallen to the floor.

He didn’t waste any more time - she felt his hands sliding down her stomach and he was unbuttoning her shorts, dragging them down with her underwear a moment later to leave her completely naked in front of him

She exhaled sharply, the anticipation of the next touch could have killed her in those moments.

But he wasn’t touching her again yet. 

She felt her nipples harden as all she heard was the sound of a zipper accompanied by a little bit of rummaging. She felt his warm, rugged hands first, then his hard dick pressing in between her as cheeks. His entire body leaned into her more, pressing her into the wall a bit more. His hands teased deliciously up her sides, his fingers softly caressing her breasts. Gwen inhaled sharply, not able to hold back all of the sounds threatening to fall from her lips.

“Is this what you want?” his voice was husky as much as it was desperate.

She exhaled sharply and nodded.

“You need to say it,” his hands teased along her sides where he was loosely holding her. One hand slid between her legs, swiping at her wet center.

The sound from her lips was somewhere between a yelp and a moan, she wasn’t able to contain it. 

“Are you going to fuck me, or not?” She forced her voice to remain strong, confident - but it was already faltering as she knew she was putty in his hands. 

“You don’t like the teasing?” He asked, taunting her now as he delicately dragged his fingers against her skin. He let it move over one of her ass cheeks, rounding and dipping to the front. Unexpectedly he was caressing her center again in a back and forth motion, repeating this until he achieved the gasping and the moaning he was looking for.

Both hands moved to her waist and he turned her around, pressing her back to the wall and forcing her to face him. Her demeanor was visibly changed as her head rested back - she was vulnerable, maybe even a little shy, as she started letting her guard down and was giving into submission.

_Almost._

She lunged forward again on her exhale, grabbing him, forcing his lips onto hers as her arms helped pull her up onto him, her legs snapping around his midsection as she kissed him fervently. Her knees clung to his sides, one arm holding around his neck strongly as her other hand reached for his dick, squeezing it as she guided it between her legs and inside of her hastily. Her fingertips pressed into him suddenly as she took him in, and he adjusted his position as he went deeper. Their lips intertwined once more as he began thrusting in and out of her. The pace was already so rapid that it was soon too difficult to keep up the kissing, and her head went back as she breathed heavily through it. She gave herself over to him completely, letting him have his way with her, feeling like a rag doll being thrown about as he continued to thrust more intensely. 

The first orgasm came so suddenly and unexpectedly - it was intense and might have rendered her useless for the rest of the night some other time, but her desperation to fuck him was so much stronger than her desire to succumb to that feeling. She moaned and gasped through it, not holding back and just letting herself go. She was in the recovery phase as he lifted her up again into his arms, now carrying her back to the bed. He laid her down gently and kissed her passionately, and she came to life as she felt ready for round two. Her hands were grabby and her kisses grew in intensity once more as she dragged him down on top of her, her legs forcing contact of their bodies before flipping Blake over onto his back with her knees. 

Her hand clutched his length again, and she squeezed up and down the shaft a few times before guiding him inside of her, lowering herself down on to of him. Once she was settled, her body stretched up seductively, his hands resting on her thighs as she began to ride him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Blake said through gritted teeth, his hands grasping her hips as he took in the full view of her on top of him. She was already riding faster, definitely not in the mood for teasing to drag this out, the intensity hitting him suddenly as he realized he wasn’t going to last much longer. He moaned and groaned underneath her, which only encouraged her to pick up the pace. 

His eyes watched her, getting distracted as her breasts bounced with every thrust. His hands reached out to grab them suddenly, needing to squeeze them. Her head was leaned back slightly but his grabbing brought her attention forward, and as soon as she was thrusting with eye contact, it was his undoing. He went over the edge much sooner than he thought he ever could.

After a brief recovery, he grabbed her hips and tugged her to the side and onto her knees. His hands ran down her body, tugging her upright and back against him. His arms moved up around her, teasing her skin, playing with her erect nipples as his lips placed a soft kiss on her ear.

“I’m not done with you yet,” he said confidently, his arms tightening, her caresses growing more teasing by the minute.

She exhaled, sighing as her hands rested on and squeezed his thighs, her mind not completely able to focus on anything except the frustration he was causing her by playing with her the way he was.

“Good,” she responded breathlessly. “I’m not…” she swallowed, losing her train of thought. “I’m not done with you either.”

His hand pressed her forward, down on all fours, his hands running the length of her body, his hands rubbing over her ass. He squeezed both cheeks, a moment later shifting and entering her from behind. She moaned and exhaled as he spread her legs a bit wider, and she bared down lower on the mattress and his rhythm began to establish. His hands grabbed her ass cheeks tightly as his rhythm picked up gradually, and before she knew it, he was slamming into her intensely until it built up and they both couldn’t take it anymore. Her hands fisted the covers she could grab below her, his hands grabbed tighter onto her hips, and they both managed to get to the edge a second time - together.

Their energy was depleted as they slumped back onto the bed. The anger and complication between them had been surrendered and expelled for the evening, and there was nothing left to say. Blake reached out for her, his arm pulling her towards him, both arms soon wrapping her up against him. He soon pressed his lips against hers and calmly, but _intently_ continued to make out with her. It was at varying paces - first slow, _painfully_ slow at first, with just a barely there touch of hips lips against hers. It would suddenly grow into something more intense, more forceful, but the intensity would get lost somewhere along the way as they calmed back down to those small, tantalizing touches, and the pattern would repeat. 

Eventually she lost track of anything else - where she was, why she was angry, all of the shit going on with her life. It was soon replaced by the memory of what felt like literal hours of their tongues battling and hands caressing everywhere, no end in sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having so much fun with this story, and I really want to thank everyone who has told me they're enjoying it. It's keeping my inspiration at an all time high. 
> 
> Mentally, I'm in a place that is just more fulfilled by angst right now, so I've (very temporarily) put MW aside. The next chapter in MW is super fluffy and if I tried to write it, it just won't work right now. This doesn't change anything with that outline and those plans and I will finish it, but hopefully you are enjoying this in the meantime enough to forgive me on the delay. 
> 
> Also, don't think the angst is over just because of this chapter. Sorry not sorry 😂
> 
> Let me know what you think! ❤️


	5. …Better Than The Devil I Don’t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to say a few things before this chapter kicks off...
> 
> I feel that some people are missing the point of this story. It's messy, complicated, and angst filled in origin. Gwen is in a bad place and she's not super rational right now. I know that people are not used to a darker version of Gwen, but it's odd that I get criticism about how she is but then also I get praise in the same breath saying they love the story. The story would not be possible to write if she were any other way, or in any other state of mind. It hinges upon her being in this dark place, punishing herself with someone like Dean, and going a little off the deep end.
> 
> There will be a breaking point. We are working up to it. There is a lot to be revealed in upcoming chapters, and I hope that you will stick around for the ride. I don't believe in sad and unfulfilled endings. Please trust me.
> 
> xoxo

**ONE YEAR AGO**

_Her eyes were on him again just as his lips left hers._

_Blake found that curious, something he started to notice about her when they would kiss or touch, those moments when they relaxed and were just laying next to each other, she would just stare at him._

_“Okay, I’ve been letting you get away with this long enough and not asking any questions,” he said softly, his eyes watching her eyebrow raise as the corners of her lips turned up into a curious smile. His hand reached for her body under the covers and tugged her a bit closer. “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”_

_“Like what?” She asked, easily allowing him to move her._

_“I don’t know, like there’s something you wanna say, but you won't say it?” His finger traced along her hip playfully, and she bit her lip to contain herself as he brushed across an area that was particularly ticklish._

_“I don’t wanna say it,” her nose scrunched up and her cheeks flushed a light shade of pink, and all of these small details he caught onto just made her even more adorable and attractive to him._

_He pressed his lips against hers again, and he felt her smile through her return kiss. He trailed his lips down to her neck, speaking against her skin._

_“I do have ways to make you talk, you know,” he teased with a chuckle, his head dipping below the covers as he kissed down her body. His hands held onto her sides, his tongue teasing and swirling close to her nipple before taking it into his mouth briefly, abandoning it to move further south down her stomach._

_She gasped, feeling her body shake as she moaned softly._

_“Jake, Jake, Jake,” she breathed with a laugh, her hand tightening its grip on him. “I need a break, you’re going to kill me.”_

_He kissed right above her center. “You should probably start talking soon then,” he responded, his tongue darting down mere seconds later to her clit._

_She gasped intensely and her body bucked into him, she felt his low chuckle vibrate against her skin._

_“Okay okay okay, I’ll talk,” she gave in and he slowed his pace, placing a kiss on the inside of her thigh before popping up from underneath the covers again next to her._

_“I told you I could make you talk,” he grinned, and they both laughed together. Gwens arms reached out for him, and she pulled to position him on top of her, her legs clutching around his midsection as she pulled him to her by the back of his head to kiss him again._

_Gwen settled back, and Blake came down closer and readjusted himself, his chin now on her stomach, his fingers teasing her sides. Her cheeks still had that same shade of light pink about them, as he patiently waited for her to speak._

_Her eyes went to the ceiling as she tried to find the courage. Only when she shut them was she able to speak up - her voice small._

_“I’ve never had sex like this before,” she admitted, opening one eye to peer down at him._

_He placed a kiss on her stomach. “What do you mean?” He didn’t want to make any assumptions._

_“Ugh, this sounds really dumb,” she tried to dismiss, her nerves getting the best of her again._

_“I don’t think you’re dumb,” he reassured her._

_She sighed, her eyes going back to his. “It’s not really something I’ve enjoyed,” her voice broke and she cleared her throat a little. “It’s always felt like something that was _for_ him. A way to make _him_ feel good,” she explained shyly. “It’s different with you.”_

_He shifted up to lay next to her then, tugging her into his arms, his hands caressing her body. Blake placed a kiss on her neck, and settled his head down right next to hers._

_“Do I make you feel good?” He asked her softly. She smiled and bit her lip as she shifted her head to look at him, giving him a definitive but shy nod. Blake’s return grin was enough to cause them both to laugh softly. They settled back down in a spooning position, and he dared to push it one step further. “When’s the last time you were touched in a way that made your legs shake?”_

_She giggled softly, still a bit shy about answering even though she knew he already knew it. “Ten minutes ago?”_

_His chuckle vibrated against her head. “Before tonight, sweet girl.”_

_Her face scrunched up and her eyes closed, the answer she wasn’t giving him was the one he expected. He stroked her hair back, and decided to continue as it was hard to see her this cutely shy with him and he wanted to put her out of her misery._

_“I think that’s all the information you need, then,” he kissed her cheek, and she opened her eyes._

_“For what?” she asked curiously._

_“You say you came down here to try and figure out if you want to sign your divorce papers,” he reminded her, his hand stroking her body again. “I’m not tryin’ to tell you what to do, but besides the many number of reasons I’ve heard tonight about why that’s a good idea…if he can’t make your legs shake, don’t you deserve to be with someone who can?”_

_Her eyes met his, and she shifted into him closer to face him. She leaned forward and kissed him, her hand resting on his chest a moment before she let her fingers glide across it playfully._

_“I think I accidentally forgot what that feels like,” she spoke against his lips before kissing him again. “I’m _really_ sorry, but you might have to show me that _one more time_ …”_

_He was surprised and delighted by her sudden bold words, and the large, anticipatory smile that came to her face as soon as he started shifting her way without hesitation. His hand held her cheek for a moment as he kissed her but soon released it to press her down onto her back._

_Blake was in between her legs now, kissing her once more before he kissed down her stomach and disappeared under the covers. She moaned softly as his hands spread her legs open, his strong arms securing them apart as he began teasing along her inner thighs with his tongue and lips. Her body was trying to respond, his grip tightening to hold her still as it tried to buck against him. Her hands reached down suddenly, gripping his forearms that were holding her thighs apart - and her head snapped back onto the pillow as she stared at the ceiling._

_He was already so close to making her explode again, it was only a few seconds longer before she felt her inner thighs involuntarily quivering for him._

————————————————————————

**PRESENT DAY**

Exhaustion permeated every fiber of her being.

It was more than a groggy feeling, it was the most intense fatigue that she had ever felt. The kind that you feel and you didn’t even know if you could move without being shaky. But she wasn’t even to that point yet, her mind was reeling and just trying to figure out where she was.

She felt a soft exhale against the skin of her neck, which prompted her to open one eye slightly. She became immediately aware that she was in Blake’s bed, she was completely naked, and those strong arms of his were holding her against him. His body was warm, and it felt even cozier than the comforter that her body couldn’t quite feel anywhere underneath them. Blake’s head was curled and resting on her shoulder, and he was still sound asleep.

The headache hit her first, but the guilt was a close second. It was many layers of guilt, though - San Diego was still swirling around in her head. The bar, Dean, working next to him all week, _last night_ …

But she felt even more guilty as she silently decided to just close her eyes again, feeling like a hypocrite as she suddenly knew she was still craving him in some way. She felt a warmth in the pit of her stomach just as she concentrated on the way he was holding her, how _good_ that felt, how starved she realized she had been. The contrast from him to Dean was so overwhelming it made her head spin, and she never knew her body possessed the ability to want something so badly it was physically aching.

She was able to temporarily ignore the anger and upset she felt towards him, towards the situation - she just wanted to exist in the moment, uncomplicated, for as long as that might be.

Her mind was immediately transported back to that beach, back to a time when things were even just a tad more simpler. She hadn’t thought the word _simple_ would in any way describe that time in her life, but the rest of it had gotten so off track that it was an easy conclusion. Thinking about the way he held her then, and how it felt the same now. Thinking about how they stayed up all night and talked…her lips pressed together as she remembered the talking turning to kissing and touches. Her mind put up a strong blockade as she refused to think about the morning after. Even just thinking about the idea of it and realizing she was right back in the same situation again put knots in her stomach. She got so lost and focused in on this, she hardly realized his lips were pressing into her shoulder in a stationary pattern as he slowly began to stir.

He was both surprised and not when he realized she was still in his arms come morning. Their encounter hadn’t exactly been quick, and there were a number of layers that built after the initial explosion. Her hair contained the faint smell of the bonfire from the night before, and her skin was impossibly soft under his touch. He knew how much he cared for her, despite all of his attempts to stop. Even just as she was sleeping next to him, he was worried about her. He saw the demons she was battling in her eyes the night before, and it hurt to watch how much pain she was still in. His stomach felt tight as his eyes went over her body, spotting a few bruises near her collarbone that he had a suspicion Dean was responsible for. He really wanted to kill that asshole.

The reality that Blake was waking up hit Gwen like a ton of bricks, the small fantasies and thoughts in both of their heads quickly slipping away. They had to face each other now in one way or another, and with so many things uncertain and unsaid, this was going to hurt.

Too exhausted to move too quickly, she turned in his arms to lay on her back, tired eyes glancing over to him. His head was laying on the same pillow as hers, and his arms hadn’t moved from her body. When she was able to gather the strength she sat up, slinging her arm across her chest as her eyes squinted to looked around, trying to find a sheet to pull around her. She felt Blake shift next to her, onto his back, as she reached for a crumpled sheet at the foot of the bed and tugged it up to her.

She glanced over her shoulder, her eyes looking down at Blake.

“Congratulations, you stayed this time,” her words were neutral as she felt her walls building back up fast, and she immediately averted her gaze away from him and looked down in her lap. Her fingers pressed against her temples as she was trying to orient herself before she tried to stand, knowing that it was going to be a challenge in her current state.

“Well, it is my trailer,” his response was also neutral, his hands rubbing his face and running through his hair as he yawned.

She scoffed, and shook her head.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” she commented, gathering the sheet closer to her body. “It was also your _hotel room_.”

She forced herself to stand, her hand immediately going to the wall to try and steady herself. She probably was trying too much too soon, but if she was going to start getting angry and upset again, being naked in bed with him didn’t exactly seem like the most logical place to be. She let her forehead lean against the wall as her eyes closed and she sighed.

“Everything is just my fault now, isn’t it?” He asked, his voice inflecting as he pulled himself into a sitting position. He watched her for a moment, and his tone turned into concern. “Maybe you should sit down for a little while.”

“Go to hell, Blake,” she managed through gritted teeth.

“Are you serious right now?” The anger was starting to come in his voice. “Do you really want to start this again?”

Gwen whipped her head around suddenly, trying to ignore the dizzying feeling that hit her.

“Start _what_ , Blake?!” she snapped. “What has already been started that you think I’m trying to start _again_?!”

“Well, at least you know my name,” he chuckled, and shook his head.

“What is that even supposed to mean?”

“You don’t remember?” He inquired, but it was really just his next statement. “You must have slipped off into your little fantasy world again, because a few hours ago you were begging _Jake_ to make you come again.”

“Says the man that chose a fake name that is literally two letters different than his real name,” she shot back, obviously denying it. “You must have heard it wrong.”

“Are you still drunk?” He asked. “Because I don’t even understand anything that’s going on. You just want to yell at me and you don’t want to talk to me but then you want me to fuck you and damnit, Gwen, I can’t keep up with all of your whims!” He exhaled.

“I have every _right_ to be mad at you,” she scoffed and shook her head. “And the fact that you’re pretending to not even know why is actually insulting.”

“Well I must be dumb, and I need you to fucking spell it out for me! I can’t keep doing this!”

The silence that fell between them next was pained and awkward. Blake exhaled a breath, just shaking his head.

“Tell me something, Gwen,” his eyes went back up to her. “Is this the conversation we would have been having if I _had_ stayed?” His question pricked at her as she wouldn’t meet his eyes. “Because if that would have been the case, I’m _glad_ I didn’t.”

_Guess we’ll never know the answer to that…_

The thought circled around her brain as she tried to turn it into a verbal response, but she couldn’t get the words out. Though deep down, she knew the answer - she knew this wouldn’t have been their conversation. And she hated herself so much even as she only admitted to herself how many times she imagined what it would have been like if he had stayed. How different things could have been. She was so conflicted over it, and being around him again, that it made her head spin and she just couldn’t get a handle on any of it.

Blake’s trailer door opened suddenly and Gwen nearly jumped as her thoughts subsided, her hands clinging tighter to the sheet around her body as her eyes went to the door. It was Adam, holding two coffee cups, stopping abruptly as soon as the door closed and his eyes were met with the current situation. He sighed heavily, rolling his eyes dramatically before setting one coffee cup on the side table, and turning right around to leave, wanting no part of this.

Her body was frozen as she suddenly felt exposed, but the delayed realization of Adam’s lack of response fueled a different fire deep inside of her. Gwen whipped her head to look back over to Blake, her eyes narrowing in on him.

“You told _Adam_ what happened?!” She screeched more as an accusation than a question.

“Can you _honestly_ stand there and tell me that you didn’t tell Pharrell??” he clapped back immediately.

Gwen groaned in frustration, her forehead going back to the wall.

“See, it’s this - this right here,” Blake said next. “These double standards. I’m not allowed to lie about my name, but you are? I’m not allowed to tell my best friend, but you are?”

“Just _stop_ ,” she emphasized, her eyes shutting tighter as she literally wanted to be anywhere else but where she was in those moments.

“No, because this is the closest I’ve ever gotten in a conversation with you on this,” he responding, shuffling to his feet. He quickly pulled on a new pair of boxers, and began going towards her. As she felt him walk towards her, she swallowed and stood back up straight to start heading for the door to leave herself.

Blake’s arm was soon across the trailer door, preventing her from opening it before she could get a hand on it.

“You don’t want to do that,” he warned, but his voice pricked with concern. “There are probably a dozen people out there right now and the last thing you need is to go out there with a sheet wrapped around you.” He paused, and swallowed. “Please don’t leave like this.”

She felt helpless and defeated as she exhaled, a few tears rolling down her cheeks as she sniffled and turned away from him, sitting on the couch nearby, her head hung low. He sighed, watching her sit, observing the way she clung the sheet tighter to her body - and she just looked like _hell_.

He walked over to the bathroom, opening up the medicine cabinet and retrieving the Advil bottle he knew was in there. He scooped her clothes up from the floor, grabbed a water from the fridge nearby, and made his way back, taking a seat next to her. He handed her the water, and opened the Advil bottle, shaking out four pills into the palm of her hand. She tossed them back into her mouth, followed by the water to wash them down.

Blake held up her tank top. “Not much of a shirt left, I’m afraid.” She glanced at it, seeing that it was ripped right up the side, in addition to the blood-stained strap. She sighed, sinking back into the couch, managing to look even more defeated than she already was.

He stood up, disappearing to his room again for a few seconds. Her hand clutched the rest of her clothes as she was in a daze, only coming out of it as a black t-shirt fell onto her lap. Curiously, she unfolded it, her eyes falling upon the familiar _Southern Comfort_ whiskey logo. It was kind of like her and Blake together in a t-shirt - she was the whiskey, and he was the _southern comfort_.

God, she _hated_ herself for that thought.

“Thank you,” she practically whispered, and stood up finally from the couch. She clutched the sheet and her clothes and went into the bathroom, sliding the door closed behind her.

She didn’t drop the sheet right away, she got a look at her face first and it was a terrifying sight. Her hair was disheveled, her makeup smeared. She felt a twinge of embarrassment that anyone had even seen her like this, let alone two people already that morning. Her hand reached back and her finger felt the band-aid on her neck. Her fingers trickled down to her collarbone gently as she was acquainted to the new bruises on her body for the first time. She shut her eyes and forced her gaze down, letting the sheet down from her body.

She quickly pulled on her underwear and shorts, taking a little more time to get her bra hooked. She picked up the black shirt Blake had given her, and she hated herself as she brought it to her nose, taking his scent in for a few moments. She sighed and pulled it over her head, and gathered the extra at the waistband of her shorts and tucked it into the front. Her hand turned the sink on, splashing warm water on her face as soon as it warmed up. Her fingers maneuvered under her eyes as she tried to get as much of the smudged make up off of her face without makeup remover. Her went hands ran through her hair a few times, and she pulled it up and secured it back with the hair tie on her wrist. She buried her face in a clean towel before she pat it dry, spending a few extra minutes to just catch her breath and get herself together.

Her arms gathered the discarded sheet from the ground and she opened the bathroom door. Her eyes fell on Blake, now fully dressed and sitting casually on the couch. He stood up as soon as she emerged, and she walked over to him with her eyes cast down. She handed him the bunched up sheet awkwardly and didn’t say anything, wasn’t even sure _what_ to say anymore even if she found the energy.

“Can we talk?” his words surprised her, and stopped her from turning away from him to leave.

“I don’t think now is a good time,” her voice broke, and she wanted to scold herself for how weak she sounded. “I need to go, I’m getting Apollo for a few days.” It was half the truth and half a lie, as she knew she wouldn’t actually see him until that evening.

“Okay,” he nodded, pausing for a moment. He really wanted to say something about that, hoping that he didn’t let that stupid Dean character around her child - but he did not want to risk upsetting her again. “Can we talk _later_?” He tried again.

“Thanks for the shirt,” she exhaled, swiping under her eyes out of habit. She exhaled roughly as her hand rested gently against him for a fleeting moment, passing him on one side and heading towards the door.

Blake fully expected her to reach immediately for it to leave, but she hesitated and hadn’t even placed her hand on the knob yet. He watched her stand there staring at the door, before she turned around to face him.

“I’ll come to you when I’m ready to talk,” she said, swallowing and casting her gaze down when she couldn’t bear to look at him anymore. “It’s the best I can offer.”

“I’ll take it,” he said, almost a little too quickly. She nodded and turned back, rotating the handle to push the door open, finally taking her leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I know I killed you with chapter notes at the beginning, but I'd really like to hear who is enjoying this story so please let me know ❤️


	6. Maybe I Could Stop, But I Won't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little longer chapter than usual. Enjoy, my lovelies ❤️
> 
> xoxo

“Hey man, can you come and help me with all of this?”

The doorbell rang just before Blake heard Pharrell’s request for help, words said in passing as the fellow singer was already headed for his front door. Blake stood from the couch, immediately following his lead. As soon as he stood behind Pharell, he was handed a plastic bag that was heavier than expected, quickly followed by a small stack of pizza boxes. Pharrell was signing the receipt as Blake glanced down into the bag, counting the sodas to make sure they were all there.

“Thanks, have a good one,” Pharrell waved off the delivery driver, then closed the front door. He took the stack of pizza boxes from Blake, and they walked back over into the kitchen. Adam was drinking a soda at the kitchen island when they arrived.

“That was the quickest pizza delivery ever in L.A.,” he commented. “Thank god, I’m starving.”

Pharrell’s wife, Helen, peeked into the kitchen and slid up next to her husband. “Just here for the pizza dear, then I’ll leave you kids alone,” she teased.

Pharrell grinned, placing a kiss on his wife’s lips as his arm went around her waist. “I’d never dream of withholding pizza from you, dear.” He handed her a plate and flashed her a grin, then handed plates to Blake and Adam. 

“You guys are still disgustingly cute,” Adam’s deadpan words came, which caused them to chuckle. Pharrell rolled his eyes. 

“Don’t act all macho man, I’ve seen you behind closed doors with Behati, you’re a big softie,” Pharrell threw back at him.

“Behind closed doors?” Adam chuckled. “That makes it sound like you’re hiding in our bedroom or something.” He paused. “ _Creepy_.”

“ _Deflecting_ ,” Pharrell chuckled and shook his head. “Shut up, man,”

Blake smiled politely and reached forward to put a few pieces of pizza on his plate. He turned to set his plate on the counter, opening one of the cabinets up top to pull down a few glasses. He went to close it back, but something caught his eye outside of the kitchen window, further into the backyard. 

Though the lights were dimmed, he watched as Gwen jogged up the steps of the guest house. She didn’t bother to turn the porch light on and she seemed to be in a hurry. A second figure - notably male - casually leaned back against the side railing on the stairs as he waited for her, a bit impatiently, it seemed. He felt his blood boil as he wondered if it was Dean, but he caught enough of a side profile that he was able to confirm that it wasn’t. It was an oddly strange relief, much stronger of a feeling than he was expecting.

Soon Gwen was back in view, fiddling with her keys to lock the front door in the dark. Her shorts and t-shirt were now replaced with one of the tiniest skin tight dresses he had probably ever seen in his life. Her hair was down and bounced as she jogged down the steps. The unknown man immediately had his arm around her waist, grabbing her ass just as they began to walk briskly back to the driveway, soon out of sight. 

“Hey, did you invite Gwen tonight?”

Blake finished closing the cabinet and turned around, finding himself immediately interested in the conversation again. Adam had posed the question and was looking over to Pharrell, awaiting an answer. Pharrell’s cheerful demeanor seemed to diminish as she was brought up, and he sighed heavily.

“Of course I did,” Pharrell responded, though not unkindly. He seemed frustrated and at his wit’s end just thinking about her. “I’m not really surprised that she said no, but damn it, I don’t know what else there is to do about that one.”

Pharrell drank the beer in his hand and settled back against the counter, adjacent to Blake. It was then that he realized Helen was gone, and it was just the three of them in the kitchen now. 

“I’m surprised she gets to work most days,” Adam admitted. 

“You realize that’s because I’m driving, right?” Pharrell commented. “I’m at a loss. I want to keep her close so I can keep an eye on her, but I am trying so hard not to enable her to keep on this self-destructive path she’s on. She’s not letting anyone in. I know she’s going to want, and _need_ a friend in the near future, and I’m going to be here for her. But right now, it’s just hard to watch.”

He sighed, shaking his head. Pharrell seemed to pick up more frustration as his next thought formulated. “I swear to god, though, if that Dean asshole sets foot on my property again, I’m going to lose my cool.”

“Blake certainly lost his cool on Dean already,” Adam chuckled. 

Blake’s eyes widened. “Come on now, you were there, you saw what happened!” He felt a little defensive as he felt like he was being called out, even though it wasn’t that serious.

“Wait wait, what’s going on?” Pharell asked.

“Blake totally punched Dean to the ground, like, _twice_ ,” Adam emphasized. “You had already left for the night, you missed some awesome drama though.”

“Okay so come on, were we just going to all stand around and watch a guy shove Gwen to the ground like that?” Blake asked honestly. “Or let a guy shove _any_ girl like that? It’s not right. I don’t regret it for a minute.” _No matter how much she hates me right now._

“That probably didn’t go over well with Gwen,” Pharrell said sheepishly. Blake shot a bit of a look to him, but Pharrell’s hands went up in surrender. “Hey man, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have done it. Just saying she’s stubborn, and doesn’t forget anything…”

Adam just chuckled. “I think she forgot about it _real_ fast…”

“ _Adam_ …” Blake’s tone was warning him.

Pharrell then looked back and forth between the two of them. “What am I missing, here??”

Blake rolled his eyes, picking up his soda and pizza and heading over to the couch. “Adam, how did they make your mouth that damn big? It’s unbelievable.” The other two followed as Pharrell started to connect the dots slowly. 

“ _Oh_ ,” he emphasized awkwardly as he took a seat in the oversized chair. 

“Anyways, I think Blake really wants to tell us about his new girlfriend,” Adam piped up next.

Blake looked at him confused. “Gwen?” He almost choked. “Come on, you know it’s not like that,” he shrugged off.

“Not Gwen, idiot,” he snipped back. “Little Miss _Kylie_ …”

Blake chuckled and dismissed it immediately. “That has even a lesser chance of happening, so basically never.”

“She _was_ all over you all night,” Pharrell commented, stuffing his mouth with a big bite of pizza.

“I don’t want to hurt the poor girl’s feelings,” Blake said helplessly. “I don’t know what to do in those situations? I mean I just try ’n be friendly as long as they don’t get too touchy…”

“She was pretty touchy with you,” Adam responded quickly. 

“But like I don’t know, I mean inappropriate?” He was struggling to explain. “Like if she just came up and grabbed my dick or something, I’d have to talk to her about it. I don’t know, she was hug-y? Should that bother me? Hugs are just another _hello_ in Oklahoma.”

“Are you sure she didn’t grab your dick?” Adam asked, ignoring his question.

“No, she didn’t,” Blake responded with a scoff and an eye roll.

“Did you want her to grab your dick?”

“No,” he responded again, his eyes narrowing to Adam.

“Did you not want her to grab your dick because you wanted someone else to grab your dick?”

“What are you — ?”

“Did anyone grab your dick that night?”

“Ye — Adam, what the — ?”

“So what I’m hearing is that Kylie didn’t grab your dick and you didn’t want her to because you wanted Gwen to grab your dick.”

Blake was stumbling with his words as he tried to process this incredibly fast conversation. “Why are we talking about my dick??”

“Ahh, so Gwen did grab your dick,” Adam came to the conclusion swiftly, even though he already knew what had happened. 

Pharrell’s eyes widened. “You slept with Gwen again?”

“Can we please literally talk about _anything else_ right now?” Blake’s voice raised in frustration. “God, Adam, sometimes I just want to hurt you.”

“But if you ever need to get information out of someone, I’m the first one you call, knucklehead,” Adam started to laugh as he sipped on his beer and settled back. 

Blake’s body slumped back against the couch, his eyes looking down to the soda in his hand and wishing it was beer. At least beer would help him deal with these two idiots for the evening if this was going to be the theme of conversation. 

Thankfully, Adam changed topics quickly and the three of them seemed engaged in talking about the singers they had all scooped up for their teams so far on the show. Despite his full investment in the conversation, his mind couldn’t help but wander and wonder about Gwen. A part of him wished she was there with them. Despite all of the complications and frustration, there was something about her - a force that drew him to her that he couldn’t explain. 

——————

It was a night filled with food, conversation, TV, and video games. As low key as the night was, Blake was actually thankful that he was just able to chill with good friends away from the craziness of work and music.

Adam took off first after he received a few texts from Behati telling him she didn’t feel well, and Blake lingered a bit longer but also took it as his cue to leave soon. It was getting late, and he realized he did not have the same stamina he used to in his younger days to stay up all night. He made sure to stick around and help Pharrell clean up, and soon he was walking Blake to the door. 

“Hey,” Pharrell said, just before Blake stepped out onto the porch. 

He looked back to him, waiting for Pharrell to continue.

“Look it’s really none of my business here…” he began. “But uh, Gwen…” His words trailed off, and it seemed obvious that he wasn’t going to finish his thought.

Blake sighed, choosing to answer the question he knew Pharrell was likely hinting at. “I’m not sure why she’s so angry at me, or what’s going on with her,” he shrugged. “I’ve been trying to get her in a room to talk about it, it just hasn’t gone well so far.”

“She’s not herself,” Pharrell commented sadly. “I’ve known her for years. I don’t even know who is living in my guest house right now.”

“You’re a really good friend to her, Pharrell,” Blake encouraged him, a hand patting his shoulder. “You’re doing the best you can. And even if she doesn’t show it, I know she appreciates you. I know she needs you.” He paused. “She’ll come back eventually. I did. Adam can tell ya all about that sometime.”

“Thanks man,” he responded sincerely. “And drive safe tonight, alright?”

“Drivin’ under the influence of Dr. Pepper,” Blake joked. “I’ll be good, thanks.” 

Blake waved once he got to the bottom of the stairs and began walking down the path to the driveway towards his truck. He inhaled the fresh air and was hardly concentrated on the night sounds around him - that is, until they were overwhelmingly interrupted. 

The bright headlights hit him dead on first, then accelerated into the driveway a little faster than he felt comfortable with. He stood outside the driver’s side of his truck as his eyes narrowed into the car, trying to see what was going on. The back car door on the opposite side opened suddenly, the music blaring considerably louder as this happened. He watched an unfamiliar guy get out to stand up, then he watched him dip back down into the sports car like he was grabbing something.

His stomach tightened as he saw Gwen passed out in his arms as he stood back up fully.

Blake watched him walk down the driveway with her in his arms, back to the guest house. The guy bent forward, laying Gwen on the doormat, before taking off jogging back down the driveway and towards the car.

“Hey!” Blake called over to the guy, and his attention drew to him before he was able to get back in. He gestured to Gwen. “You’re just going to leave her there like that??”

The guy shrugged. “She doesn’t have any keys,” he responded, just before he opened the back door and got back in. The car jolted and accelerated back out of the driveway and sped down the street - gone as fast as it had come.

His eyes went over to Gwen laying on the porch. He grew concerned as she wasn’t moving at all, and his feet carried him down the remainder of the drive way towards the guest house entrance before he could even mentally process what was happening.

He knelt beside her, sighing as he contemplated what to do. Blake looked back to the main house, and given the conversation he had just finished having with Pharrell, he didn’t want to put this on him. Blake could tell Pharrell was frustrated and even defeated as he had tried to do so much already. 

His eyes went back to Gwen. He spotted a small wallet around her wrist. He looked briefly at her before he reached for it, sliding it off her hand and unzipping the pouch.

“No keys my ass,” he mumbled, pulling out what looked like a house key. He zipped it back up and reached down to her, pulling her hair off of her face.

“Gwen?” He said softly at first, but didn’t get a response. He shook her softly and repeated her name, his voice louder the second time. He didn’t get a response then, either. 

His arm reached up with the key and unlocked the front door before shifting to sit next to her. He lifted her up from her back, holding her in an upright position as he tried again.

“Gwen,” he shook her a little. “ _Gwen_ ,” he said with more emphasis. He heard the tiniest of groans from her which actually brought a bit of relief, but she soon slumped to the side - either unwilling or unable to hold herself up when he tried to let go - her head going into his lap. 

“Come on, stay awake with me,” he encouraged her, suddenly growing a bit more worried. His finger went over her pulse on her neck and he concentrated on it for a few moments, which didn’t help that worry. “Gwen, we need to get you inside,” he said, maneuvering her body up and into his arms. Just before he expelled the energy to stand, he felt her move against his chest.

“Blake,” it was a barely there whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. Her hand loosely held part of his shirt as her nose nuzzled in against him. 

“I’ve got you,” he responded against her hair. But she didn’t say anything else. He shifted onto his knees and stood up, carrying her inside the guest house. 

He shut the door behind them, his eyes taking in the surroundings. It was a simply decorated guest house, seemingly with a California palm trees theme throughout. It didn’t feel like Gwen, but he supposed it wouldn’t considering the temporary living arrangement. A loud sigh and a slightly scrunched up face brought his attention back as his eyes looked down at Gwen, who otherwise wasn’t moving in his arms.

Blake walked down a small hallway, easily finding the master bedroom. He first sat down onto the bed with her, and slid her next to him to hold her into an upright position, his arm around her. Her head fell into his shoulder and stayed there.

“Hey, I’m worried about you,” he said next. “Do you think you can sit up and sip on some water?”

It took a while for her to respond, but she eventually managed the words.

“Just…let me…die…” she exhaled. 

He swallowed harshly, his eyes going up to the ceiling. Those four words gutted him in so many ways he couldn’t have anticipated, he wasn’t prepared for it at all. His hand caressed along her shoulder as he had to take a few moments for himself to process the words, trying to come up with a way to tackle that head on with a response.

“I felt like that once too,” he admitted softly, gently squeezing her arm with his hand. “And I know that you have to be in the darkest place imaginable if that’s how you really feel.” He sighed, as it pained him to remember the time in his life when he had said those exact same words aloud. He wished there was anything he could do to make sure another human being didn’t have to feel that way, especially one he cared for so deeply - something he had only recently admitted to himself. 

“Do you remember how much you drank tonight?” He asked next, partially attempting to shift the conversation.

“Too much,” she admitted and swallowed, but she didn’t move at all away from him. Her head remained still and her eyes were kept closed.

Her admission hit him in a funny way - it pained him to hear her response, but it also gave him a small glimmer of hope. Though it might not have fully processed for her yet, it indicated some level of regret. 

“Sometimes that happens if you lose track,” he responded gently. “You need to be careful, sweet girl.”

He watched as her face grimaced and scrunched up slightly over his response. It was then he realized the name had slipped out by accident, and he was momentarily nervous about her reaction to it. This disappeared completely as he realized she was probably too far gone to even take that in right now. 

“I’m going to get some water,” Blake said next. “I really think you need to try and sip on some before you pass out tonight.” He began to gently shift to lay her back on the bed for the time being, but he stopped as he felt a faint tug on his shirt.

“Please don’t leave me,” she managed, the bit of strength she had left was being used to hold onto him a bit tighter.

“I promise you I will only be gone for a minute,” he leaned his head down into hers as his hand squeezed her softly. “I’m just going to the kitchen to get water, and I’m coming straight back.”

Her response was a faint sigh, and he held her a moment before he shifted again, laying her softly on the bed. He was quick in the kitchen, even managed to find a straw in one of the drawers, and soon he was setting the water down by the bedside. 

Blake glanced at Gwen, and she hadn’t even moved an inch. He almost hated that he felt he was about to wake her again, but he knew it was for her own good.

He went to the other side of the bed and piled the pillows on top of the bed and back against the headboard, a moment later maneuvering her back onto them to help keep her upright. He settled next to her, reaching for the water on the nightstand. She was half leaned against the pillows and half leaned back against him and he brought the straw to her lips.

“Water,” he encouraged, letting the straw gently touch her bottom lip. She scrunched her nose. “Please try,” he pushed again, and she took the straw into her mouth and sipped. 

“That’s enough,” she eventually said softly, and Blake pulled the glass back and set it down on the nightstand. She swallowed as a shiver went down her spine, and seemed to indicate she was cold by how she moved closer into his chest.

“Do you have warmer clothes in here?” He asked her gently. He looked down at the tight, uncomfortable mini dress she was wearing and hardly thought that was even going to be bearable to sleep in. 

“Closet, bottom drawer,” she responded. “Don’t remember if…left or right.”

“S’okay, I can figure it out,” he said, leaning her gently back onto the pillows. He moved forward towards the closet, opening a few drawers before he found a light sweatshirt and long lounge pants. 

He sat back on the bed with her, but hesitated. He felt a little weird about helping her dress, but he was certain she couldn’t manage it on her own. He thought back to the fact that he had already seen her naked before, wondered if that make it okay, or if it was a defense, or if it changed the situation. His mind was getting carried away and he had to physically shake his head to stop the runaway train of thoughts he had.

“Do you want me to help you with your dress?” He asked timidly. “I uhmm, I swear, I’m just tryin’ to help and will be _completely_ respectful…”

For the first time that he had noticed, one of her eyes opened slightly and looked up at him almost curiously. He froze, but tried to offer a soft smile in return. She nodded her head, and closed her eyes once more.

Blake reached behind her back and slowly pulled the zipper down the length of it. He sighed and sat her upright, tugging the light sweatshirt over her head before he moved the dress fabric away from her body. Once the sweatshirt was on, he slid it down and off by her legs. He tugged her sandals off before he tugged the lounge pants onto her slowly, having to move her body every so often to get them all the way on. When she was dressed again, her body curled right back up to him, holding onto him gently.

“I’m not going anywhere tonight,” he kissed the top of her head, his arm coming around her. Though he probably would not have tried such a thing with her sober, it somehow felt right, like she needed it. His other arm reached out for the switch on the lamp, and she didn’t respond as she was already dozing off to sleep.

————

She thought she was dreaming.

She wasn’t sure if it was going to turn into a fantasy or a nightmare, but she undeniably knew that Blake Shelton’s arms were around her. She knew any minute she’d either realize she was fantasizing about him again, despite the will of her mind to try and put a stop to that, or that she was going to have to deal with another awkward situation. 

When the massive migraine hit her head on, she couldn’t cling to the idea that it wasn’t real anymore. Blake Shelton was in her bed, holding her. And though the details were fuzzy, she was pretty sure he was taking care of her. Despite the embarrassment she felt, she willed herself to take a moment before reacting negatively. It was damn near impossible to feel anything except her pounding head at that point, but she already felt so defeated that the idea of creating more collateral damage was the last thing that appealed to her. 

Her eyes opened and she turned to look up to him. Blake glanced down upon realizing she was awake, and froze. He was waiting for the blowback, he didn’t know what to expect anymore. He was bracing himself. 

Instead of a verbal reaction, Gwen sighed and sunk back into his embrace. She was too tired to fight, and too tired for anger. She just _hurt_.

He blinked a few times, stunned by the lack of response to her current location and proximity to him, but seemed to relax as he let his hand stroke her arm gently.

“Rough night,” he spoke up quietly.

Gwen swallowed and painfully pushed herself into a sitting position, pulling herself out of his arms slowly. “I’m sorry,” she said gently, her eyes cast down. “You could have just pushed me off.”

His face pricked with concern as soon as she felt like she wasn’t welcome near him and she moved away. It hit him that she thought that _he_ didn’t want her near him. He swallowed before he replied.

“The thought never crossed my mind,” he responded. “I wouldn’t do something like that.” He paused. “You don’t remember much, do you?”

Her head was in her hands as it pounded. “I don’t know yet,” she said honestly. 

“Someone left you on your front porch,” he treaded carefully. “I wasn’t just going to leave you there.”

Her head lifted as her eyes and gaze went to him, holding eye contact for a few moments. It seemed as if a few things were coming back.

“Why did you stay?” She asked gently. 

Blake put his hands up gently, as if in surrender. “I can leave.” He shifted to move away, but stopped once he felt her hand resting on his arm. He turned back to look at her.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she clarified. “I — “ she sighed, her gaze casting down. “I meant _thank you for staying._ ” She paused. “I just don’t know why you would.”

“Despite what you may think…” he began, but sighed, as he struggled to get the words out. “I was worried about you, Gwen. You should not have been alone last night. So I stayed.” He paused. “You were so far gone. I thought maybe you had alcohol poisoning at one point. It wasn’t safe for you to be alone.”

The reality of the words _alcohol poisoning_ rang through her ears beyond just the migraine she was harboring. The guilt started to show all over her features.

“It’s really not a big deal, the bed was comfortable,” He tried to lighten the mood just a bit as he brushed it off as nothing. He looked over to the nightstand, pulling a bottle of Advil over and opening it. 

Her gaze went to his hands as he opened the bottle and offered the pills to her. A twinge of guilt surfaced as this seemed all too familiar. She took them, and he handed her the glass of water to wash them down. She handed it back, winced visibly, then laid back down on the bed next to him.

“You never answered my question,” she whispered a few moments later. “From before. Why are you helping me?”

He sighed and took a moment to himself before he leaned back on the pillows propped up against the headboard, his eyes going to the ceiling. 

“I _was_ you, Gwen,” he responded. “I went through a divorce. I lived the dark days, I pushed everyone that cared about me away. And it made it worse.” He paused, letting the silence settle between them momentarily. “I didn’t have a friend back then that understood the downward spiral you could suddenly find yourself in because of shit like this.” He paused and sighed. “So I don’t know, maybe _helping you_ is two sided. It helps me because I didn’t have that, and it helps you because I think you might need it.”

Her eyes were unmoving, simply focused on him as he spoke. Her body curled up into itself a bit more as he continued. 

“I don’t have to tell you about all of the bad things that you’re doing to yourself right now,” Blake continued. “But what I will say is - you really need to be careful. With a lot of things, really, but the thought of you passed out at some club or bar or whatever and not having a real friend there to look out for you…” he let the thought run away from him. “I’ve met plenty of assholes to know what can happen to women in those situations.” 

“Why do you care so much?” Her inquiry was neutral, though a bit groggier then when she spoke before.

He took a moment to formulate his response to that.

“Because I believe that deep down the person I met on the beach last year is the real you,” he admitted. “The person you are right now is something different. It’s angry and broken - and I get it. On some level you have to get it out of your system, but you also can’t let it consume you and change you. Because if it changes you, you won’t come back from it.” He paused. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m not here to judge you. I hope that one day soon you realize how much more you actually deserve than all of this. And I really hope you believe me when I tell you…” he took another pause, before looking down to her. “When I tell you that the girl from the beach is worth fighting for.”

He held her gaze for a few minutes before he reached to the nightstand again, this time for Gwen’s phone. Her eyes narrowed on him as she watched him type something, soon handing the phone off to her.

When she took it into her hands, it was just on the main screen. She looked up to him questioningly. 

“I put my number in your phone,” he explained. “When you get to the point that you realize you need someone, you have it just in case.”

Gwen clicked over into the contacts section and began to scroll through. Her body froze when the next realization hit her. 

“You put in your number as _Jake_ ,” she observed, willing her eyes to go up to him. “Why did you do that?”

Blake shifted and stood up, then offered a small shrug. 

“Because maybe there’s more of a chance that you’ll want to talk to him before you want to talk to me.” He looked down at her sadly. “Take it easy, Renee.”

Between her pounding head and her emotions, she couldn’t even will a sound to come out of her mouth to respond to that. She watched as he moved easily out of the bedroom, a few moments later listening to the front door close shut behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I nailing this slow burn thing? Are ya'll frustrated with me yet? Lol. 
> 
> Hope you guys don't think this is the height of the drama. Just be prepared ❤️ As always, please let me know your thoughts!


	7. But The Wicked One Is Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this is the intense one 😬 (I know it's already been intense, but this is like, _intense_ intense...)
> 
> Please don't hate me and I'm going to leave you with my famous tag line - I always fix my shit ❤️ This has to happen for us to get to where we need to go.
> 
> Love you, my lovelies ❤️
> 
> xoxo

The knocking was incessant.

Gwen groaned, rolling herself over on the couch and stuffing her head under a pillow as she willed it to go away. She had no sense of what day or time it even was, and she couldn’t even mentally put together in her head any idea of who would be banging down her door. Most of her didn’t care, the sheer inconvenience of the blasted noise the only thing she could focus on.

There was a brief silence that hit her immediately as a relief, but it was fleeting as soon the knocking started up once more.

She groaned again, holding and clasping the pillow around the back of her head to cover her ears as she started to mentally blame Pharrell. He was the only one that cared enough to actually drop in on her these days, despite the fact that it was the last thing she wanted. She kept thinking he would give up eventually, he _had_ to give up eventually. 

Her phone was buzzing nonstop now, and just before she picked it up to chuck it across the room, blurry eyes focused in on the name. It was the nanny. She didn’t know why Dalia was calling her on a Wednesday, she wouldn’t have expected to hear from her until tomorrow afternoon. 

“Dalia,” her tired, groggy voice answered the phone as she sat up on the couch. She sighed and reached forward for the fifth sitting on the table and took a swig back, a sudden intense pain hitting her head.

“Gwen, I’ve been trying to call you for twenty minutes, are you okay?” The young woman seemed concerned, but quickly kept talking. “Are you home? I’m outside with this very sleepy but beautiful boy of yours.”

“What?” Her words were dripped in panic as she suddenly felt immediately awake. She ignored the dizzy feeling when she stood up and grabbed the alcohol on the coffee table, propping her phone between her shoulder and her cheek as she scurried off to the kitchen. “Dalia what happened? Why is Gavin sending him a day early?”

“Um,” Dalia hesitated awkwardly. “Gwen, it’s Thursday?”

Gwen placed the alcohol bottle down and her hand went to her phone, looking at her home screen. 

_Fuck._

“Okay, okay, I’m coming just give me a minute,” she said, before suddenly hanging up on her. Gwen’s hand went to turn on the kitchen sink and she splashed her face with cold water, pausing a moment as she felt a bit dizzy again. She grabbed a glass nearby and filled it up, swishing and spitting it into the sink. Her damp hands pushed her hair back and up for her to secure it back into a ponytail. Her heart was racing as the panic didn’t subside, but she forced her feet to walk to the front door, her mind concentrated on her balance. 

She squinted as the sunlight hit her eyes once the door cracked open. Her eyes fell on Dalia holding Apollo, who was sleeping in her arms.

Dalia looked up to Gwen, her head tilting slightly. “You sure you’re alright?” She asked, a bit concerned. 

“Yeah, I just didn’t sleep last night and I fell asleep on the couch,” she lied, her eyes going to Apollo. 

She felt the alcohol coursing through her veins. She knew that she was in no state to take care of a toddler, and she swallowed harshly at the thought. She knew she _should_ have spoken up. But she was weak as the only thoughts that consumed her were about how Gavin would try and take him away from her forever. She couldn’t stand the thought, and it caused her to push everything else aside.

Gwen held her arms out and lifted Apollo into her arms. Dalia handed her his bag, but she didn’t let up just yet.

“Do you need me to get you anything?” She asked, trying one more time.

“Thanks, I’ll be fine,” she nodded, and Dalia turned and left. 

The dizzy spell came back as she gently set Apollo’s bag on the porch, and just stood there in shock as she held him against her. Her eyes were tearing up and she was panicking again, which caused her to stumble slightly to the side. It was very quickly followed up with her taking a seat on the bench. She felt herself began to tremble. 

She reached back into her back pocket and pulled out her phone.

_I really need your help. 911._

She shot the text off and let her head hang and her eyes close as she felt the world spinning again. It seemed to go on for a while until she picked up a very specific door slam and footsteps coming over to her.

“I swear to god, Gwen, if this is what this looks like…” it was Pharrell, and while his voice was low, it was mounting in volume and he was _furious_. She felt him grab under her chin, and she let out a small gasp as she felt her head suddenly jerked up. “ _Look at me_. Tell me you’re not fucking drunk right now.”

She had no control over that, and soon her eyes were on him - at least she was pretty sure, she could only really see a blur, and she couldn’t get a response out. Her panic was rising as her breathing quickened, and she just couldn’t manage the words.

“ _Give him to me. Now._ ” he said through gritted teeth, but didn’t wait for permission. Gwen felt Pharrell’s arms come around Apollo and he picked the toddler up with ease, holding him against his chest. When Pharrell started to walk away with him, Gwen shot up to her feet and followed in a delayed reaction.

“No no no no no no,” she was jogging behind him. “You can’t call Gavin, please don’t send him back, please,” she begged him as they walked inside the main house, and Pharrell stopped abruptly and turned to look at her.

“Keep your voice down,” he hushed her. “I am putting him down for a nap in Rocket’s room.” And with that, Pharrell turned to walk up the stairs. 

Gwen let out a shaky breath as her hands went to the railing to steady herself, not moving with so many questions unanswered. Was he putting him down to then go and call Gavin? The thought made her sick, just the idea of another custody battle could have done that without the help of the alcohol. She leaned her forehead on the railing in front of her as she stood at the bottom of the stairs, feeling the room spin again, all of the worst case scenarios and thoughts swirling around her head in a jumbled mess. Pharrell was taking forever to come back, and her balance did not seem like it was going to last.

She gasped and almost jumped as his hand grabbed her arm suddenly, pulling her back to reality. Pharrell didn’t even stop, he was forcing her to walk and stumble with him. They were outside a moment later, and she realized they were going back to the guest house. He pulled her through the front door and down the hall. Her vision blurred again as he kept pulling her along, assuming her body was going to slump over on a bed any moment. 

Instead, she screamed as the unexpected onslaught of cold water hit her suddenly, her hands wiping at her eyes as she struggled to see. She then struggled to get away, but he was holding her right under the stream and didn’t let up until she was completely drenched. 

Her breathing was heavier as she struggled and coughed, her hand going out in front of her and hitting a tile wall to attempt to hold herself up. It was then she realized she was standing in the shower.

“ _How DARE you think I would EVER put Apollo in harm’s way, PHARRELL!_ ” He was yelling at her now. “ _That would NEVER HAPPEN, Pharrell!_ ”

She winced from both his words and the volume they were projected at, her body hunched forward as if it helped protect her from them more. 

“Do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on here, Gwen?” He barked at her next. “Actually, you really don’t need to. I just watched the whole damn thing from my house! You’re fucking drunk when Dalia brings Apollo over to you, are you FUCKING kidding me?!”

Pharrell kicked the side of the tub in frustration and the sudden _thud_ actually caused her to jump this time, which had a chain reaction as she slipped and fell down onto the shower floor. She had no will to move, let alone get up or look at him, so she stayed down.

“Is this how it’s going to go with you?” He started again. “You’re going to fuck your life up and ruin any chance of you _ever_ seeing your kid again because you can’t put a fucking drink down? What was your plan today exactly? Why the hell would you drink knowing your TODDLER was on his way over? And to think that I almost didn’t see this happen! Do you even realize how many things could have gone wrong?!”

She swallowed harshly, her words high pitched in her throat. “It was supposed to be Wednesday,” she responded, her voice threatening to break. 

Pharrell went to his knees in front of her, his hands grabbing her shoulders to force her to look at him.

“Get yourself a GODDAMN CALENDAR, Gwen, because the entire world knows it’s THURSDAY!”

“Hey, hey, hey,” a third voice had joined them now, a particular heavy southern accent she immediately recognized. She felt embarrassed as she had already forgotten she had texted Blake. “Pharrell, man, what’s going on?” Gwen watched as Blake kneeled next to them, his hands on Pharrell’s shoulders as he began to pull him back, gentry trying to encourage him to release Gwen. “Look I don’t know what happened, but I feel like this is only making it worse.”

Pharrell groaned in frustration and released her arms, putting his hands up in surrender. 

“Of course you fucking text him to come bail you out,” Pharrell lashed out. “How many more people have to bail you out before there’s nobody left and you actually might learn your lesson??”

“She just said she needed my help,” Blake said. “I have literally no idea what is going on right now,” he sighed. “Can we just - maybe all take a deep breath and, and go out to the living room and talk about this?”

Pharrell went to his feet, and went to storm out of the bathroom. 

“I am _done_ with her, Blake, I CANNOT do this any more. She is YOUR fucking problem right now,” his voice raised as he walked out. 

Blake’s eyes went over to Gwen. Her body was curled up in a ball and she was shivering, tears in her eyes. He wanted to ask questions, he didn’t even know where to begin. He reached up and pulled a full sized towel from the rack and draped it around her body.

“I made a mistake,” her tiny, upset voice admitted just before her lips pressed together tightly. “I know I did. I was trying to ask for help…”

“Shh…” he shushed her, his hands resting on the towel where her shoulders were. He helped her stand up, then she placed both of her feet on the bath mat in front of her. She closed her eyes and looked down, not even wanting to move.

“Why don’t you go change clothes, get out of these,” he suggested, his hands not moving off of her. “Can you do that?”

She nodded, taking the edge of the towel to swipe her eye, but she still didn’t make a move to leave. 

“Come on, it’ll be okay. We’ll talk about it after you change,” he encouraged her.

“You’re just going to go out there and Pharrell is going to tell you his side of the story and you’re not even going to listen to me,” she sucked her breath in, realizing she was the most upset about that. “I was trying to explain but he wouldn’t listen, and I _really_ can’t handle both of you screaming at me.”

“I’m not screaming at you, Gwen,” he responded. “I don’t plan to.” Blake paused, his right hand cupping her cheek to pull her gaze up to look at him. “And I promise to listen to you, no matter what.”

Her arms tugged the towel tighter around her shoulders as she held his gaze for a few moments, then nodding before casting her eyes to the side. She moved around him, slowly walking back to the bedroom as she sniffled along the way. 

“Take your time, alright?” He called after her, knowing he was probably going to need a few minutes with Pharrell on his own. She didn’t respond, and just continued to walk.

Blake exhaled, turning to leave behind her, but going down the opposite hallway towards Pharrell. 

——

She decided it was a good idea to listen to Blake when he told her to take her time.

The actual act of undressing and drying off then slipping on new dry clothes didn’t take that long at all. It only took another few minutes for her to towel through her hair and brush it back damp, securing it in a braid that fell over her arm. She swiped a make up remover wipe across her face and put moisturizer on. If she had wanted to, it would have been simple for her to just pop back out into the living room in a mere ten minutes.

She sat on the bed instead, as her anxiety took over her body. And it froze her. She didn’t know for how long, but she was only brought out of it by a soft knock at the door.

“Hey, we just wanted to check on you,” Blake’s voice came through the door. She stood up and opened it, her reddened eyes looking at Blake and Pharrell. She nodded, and stepped aside to let them in. She took a seat back on the bed.

She watched out of the corner of her eye as Pharrell took a seat in the corner chair, seemingly a bit calmer then before. But frankly, any state he was in would have fit that description. 

“I made a mistake,” Gwen said out loud. “I realized it really fast and I texted Blake. I needed help, and I was trying to ask for it.” She paused. “I didn’t do it on purpose. I didn’t know what day it was.”

“Why didn’t you ask _me_ for help?” Pharrell asked suddenly, and Gwen’s gaze drew to the corner he was sitting in. 

“Look how well you reacted,” she responded softly, her gaze going to her lap. She missed how Pharrell’s hands balled up in frustration before he stood up abruptly, and just started pacing around the room. 

“Gwen, I’m at the end of the line here, I don’t know what to do anymore,” Pharrell huffed. “I am trying to help you, trying to be there for you, but I can’t help if you won’t let me.” He sighed heavily, then walked and took a seat next to her. Gwen’s eyes went up to him, finding herself nervous as she waited for him to continue. Pharrell looked up to Blake, who just gave him a small nod, then he looked back to Gwen.

“What?” Gwen asked, looking between the two of them.

“I think you need a break,” Pharrell sighed. “And honestly, I need a break too.” He paused. “Helen and I are going to keep Apollo for the next few days. We won’t tell Gavin and you know we’ll take good care of him. But you need to pack a bag and go to Blake’s for a few days. You need to get your head on straight, and I don’t see it happening here. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let Apollo be around you when you’re this far gone. It's dangerous for him.”

Her face remained neutral as her heart dropped. Pharrell was incredibly patient, and just him admitting to needing a break from her felt like a kick in the stomach. Mentally, she couldn't even process him implying she was a danger to her own child, despite knowing how much she had fucked up already.

“Why?” She managed weakly when she was able to find the word. 

“You’ve been living here for months and you have only gotten worse. You won’t listen to me,” he sighed in frustration. “I just don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what is going to help you.”

“So you’re just kicking me out?” Her voice broke as she was just trying to will herself to not break down in tears.

“I’ve giving you a change of scenery,” Pharrell corrected. “One that I think you need.”

Gwen’s gaze went to her lap as Pharrell looked back to Blake, the two of them silently nodding in agreement. The full details of the plan they had concocted were yet to be revealed, but the first step was to get Gwen to go with him.

“Let me see him,” she said suddenly, her teary eyes looking at Pharrell. “Five minutes. I need to see Apollo.”

Pharrell looked back to Blake again, which prompted Gwen to speak once more.

“I’ll go with Blake willingly _if_ you let me see him before I leave,” she swallowed, as she awaited a response from either of them anxiously. 

“Okay,” Pharrell gave in, and Gwen was up on her feet and headed to the door without hesitation, Pharrell put on immediate alert as he struggled initially to keep up with her. 

Gwen’s pace was quick as she walked through the backyard and into the main house. She was up the stairs in an instant but immediately stopped before her hand clasped the door to the room Apollo was in. She did so lightly, pushing it open very slowly and peering inside. She spotted his little body slumped over on the bed, sleeping on his stomach.

She exhaled quietly and walked over, climbing into the bed with him gently. Her arm loosely went around him as she laid herself down next to him. She inhaled his toddler scent, her hand gently caressing back his super soft hair behind his ear. She placed tiny, soft kisses on his cheek, and just held him in silence and stillness for as long as she could.

Pharrell caught up with her, and watched her from the doorframe as he gave her time with him. About ten minutes had passed before he spoke up in a whisper.

“Gwen, I hate to say this, but he’s going to wake up soon, you need to go.”

Her eyes closed tightly as it forced a few tears down her cheeks, and she placed one last kiss on his cheek before gently rolling to the side and off of the bed. She pressed her lips together as she stood up, barely making it out of the room before she caught a cry in the back of her throat. Pharrell reached out a hand to her shoulder, but she jerked her body away from it and didn’t stop for him. She abruptly went back down the stairs and back out to the guest house.

She swiped under her eyes as she walked down the hallway to her room, her eyes flashing ever so briefly to Blake who was sitting on the bed now. She went to the closet and tugged a medium sized bag down and plopped it on the bed without word. Instead of filling it, she just stared at it as she was battling her mind to keep herself under control and not give into the sobs she felt suppressed in her throat.

Blake was watching her, and reached out to gently move the bag further back onto the bed.

“Why don’t you sit down for a few minutes,” he suggested. “We’re not in a hurry.”

His prompting pushed a different button inside of her, one that propelled her forward instead. A coping mechanism as to not allow her to break down.

“I want to get out of here,” she mumbled, shaking her head and turning to the closet.

A few moments passed before he tried again.

“Do you like eggs?” He asked next. “Hash browns, maybe? Breakfast is one of the things I’m actually good at.”

“I don’t eat breakfast,” she replied nonchalantly, tossing a wad of clothing from a drawer into the bag without even looking at him.

Blake sighed and shook his head. “Sorry, I forgot, nothing goes into your system before noon without the name _Jack Daniels_ on it.”

Gwen abruptly stopped, turning to look at him immediately. For how upset she was, she felt a small surge of anger coming back. 

“Is that how this is going to go, Blake??” She snapped at him immediately. “Because if it is, what’s stopping me from taking this damn suitcase I’m packing and getting in a cab instead of your truck and finding someone else to stay with??” Her hands were swiping at her cheeks as more tears fell. “You’re sitting here making jokes about cooking breakfast when I just had to leave my son and I’m not going to see him for another two weeks now. You have no goddamn idea what it’s like to have a kid and only get to be in their life part-time.”

Blake went to his feet, closing the distance between them.

“Okay, okay,” he said gently, his hands going to her shoulders. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you more. You’re right, I don’t know what that’s like, and I’m sorry if you thought I was brushing that off.”

Her breathing was unsteady as a few more tears rolled down her cheeks, but she forced herself to try and exhale to let the anger subside. She sniffed and blinked a few times rapidly as she tried to calm a bit more.

“You’re doing this _for_ him, Gwen,” Blake reminded her. “Not in spite of him. It’s two weeks now, but if you’re in a better place two weeks from now, in the long run, that’s worth it, isn’t it?” He sighed. “I personally don’t want to see you lose him. And I’m not saying that will happen, but if you keep all of this up, _it might_.”

She sighed and eventually nodded a few times, swiping under her eyes as she turned to grab a few more things. Blake stayed standing next to the bag, and she didn’t stop until everything was inside of it. She zipped it shut and just looked at it, forcing herself to take a deep breath. She moved slightly to the side when Blake moved forward, effortlessly swinging the bag over his shoulder. Gwen crossed her arms and swallowed, forcing herself down the hallway and out onto the porch. 

Pharrell was sitting in the rocking chair in the corner, his body and attention perking up as soon as Gwen walked outside, Blake a few steps behind her. She walked down the stairs and ignored him, her eyes locked ahead on Blake’s truck.

“Gwen, come back here a sec,” Blake called out from the porch. She sighed and stopped, turning around to look at him. He motioned her back over, and she reluctantly walked back to the bottom of the stairs.

“You two have been friends for too long to leave like this,” Blake said, looking between the two of them. “Will you at least hug, or something, end on something positive so you two don’t think the other one hates you?”

Her arms crossed as she stayed planted at the bottom of the stairs. She already felt like a sudden plague on Pharrell’s life, and forcing him to hug her was not on her agenda. 

But Pharrell didn’t hesitate to move forward, jogging down the few steps until he was right in front of her. He didn’t make a move at first, not wanting to startle her, and he decided to speak instead. 

“Please understand that I’m just trying to help you,” he pleaded, his demeanor suddenly quite changed from earlier. It was always like him to cool off easily, but Gwen just didn’t think it was possible with how mad he was at her. He tugged at her arms and uncrossed them, which allowed him access to hug her around the waist, letting his head rest on her shoulder. 

"I promise you, Apollo is going to be just fine," Pharrell added. "He's going to have a great time with Rocket. We're going to make his favorite tonight - dinosaur chicken nuggets."

She pressed her lips together as he spoke about Apollo, and she relented a few moments later as her arms went around him tightly. Pharrell returned the hug in all of it’s intensity, and it was even hard for him to let go. After a few moments he did, his eyes on hers.

“Fight this, damnit,” he encouraged her softly. “Please come back to us.”

Her face broke and she had to turn away, her fingers swiping at her tears again as she nodded profusely and walked away, refusing to break down. She knew if she stood there any longer, she wouldn’t have been able to help it. 

Blake unlocked the truck and she climbed into the back seat, shutting her eyes immediately as she closed the door and wished she could forget this entire day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did everyone make it to this point alive? Just checking in ❤️ Please let me know!


	8. Every Time I Take Your Lead, Feels Like A Curse

_Day 0_

He looked back at her from his rearview mirror. 

His gaze settled on her a few moments longer than it should have, but at least he waited until he was at a stoplight before he tried to check on her through the reflection. The entire ride had been quiet since they left Pharrell’s house, she seemed to be in a daze. Gwen was slumped over and leaning up against the door, hoodie pulled tightly against her body, the side of her forehead resting against the glass as her gaze affixed out the window. 

“Are you hungry?” He asked her gently.

She didn’t flinch, nor did she respond. So he continued the thought.

“It would probably be good for you to try and eat something,” he tried again. She still didn’t respond, but regardless of her lack of speaking, he pulled into the parking lot of a fast food chain anyways, and up to the drive through. As he waited for the car in front of him to finish ordering, he kept his eye on her in the backseat. He pulled up to the speaker, and just before the employee came over the line, he was surprised to hear her speak up. 

“Mozzarella sticks,” she spoke up, her eyes finally turning to look at his through the rearview mirror. 

He felt a brief sensation of relief as he nodded once and immediately launched into the order, pulling around the building to complete it. 

To her surprise, he handed her a cold bottled water first, and then a small bag of mozzarella sticks. She placed the water in the seat next to her and looked down at her food. He wondered why she seemed to hesitate, as she soon closed the bag back up and her eyes went out the window again.

“Is the order right?” He asked her.

“Yeah, everything is fine,” she nodded once. 

“Sorry, just wanted to check, you haven’t touched them.”

Her eyes went to Blake, a subtle bit of confusion mixed with an inquiry. “You don’t mind if I eat back here?”

Blake chuckled. “Of course not,” he paused. “Is that what you’re afraid of?”

Gwen shrugged lightly and looked down into the bag as she opened it back up. “Habit,” she said softly. 

Blake hummed in response, hoping that she would elaborate. She didn’t launch into the explanation immediately, but he didn’t have to wait too long for it.

“I was with Gavin for a long time. He didn’t even allow us to pick up takeout in his sports car, let alone _eat_ food in his car.”

“I really can’t imagine then that he’s any good with Apollo,” Blake responded with an eyebrow raised. “Toddlers are pretty messy, aren’t they?”

She took a bite and chewed, lending to a brief silence. “He bought another car for the days he had to drive Apollo somewhere, he didn’t let him near it,” she explained it as if it was the most normal thing. “My parents even drove us home from the hospital because he didn’t want a baby in the backseat.” She paused a moment, then added, “I’m actually thankful I went into labor when I was visiting Pharrell and Helen. At least they let me in their car to take me there in the first place.”

It was the first time Gwen had mentioned her parents, and it had also been so long since she alluded to any details about her marriage with Gavin. He watched as she continued to eat. Without thinking much further about it, Blake plucked a few French fries from his bag and threw them over his shoulder. One hit Gwen on her leg, and the other on her arm.

She looked up at him curiously, the smallest hint of a smile on her face showing to him before it faded away and she returned to normal. 

“It was a little too clean for my taste,” Blake explained with a chuckle and a shrug. “And I’ve been saying this as long as I’ve known ya - Gavin is a prick.” He paused. “Actually, you suck in general at picking out guys, now that I’m thinking about it.”

She didn’t miss a beat. “I picked you at one point, didn’t I?” She realized how that sounded as soon as it came out of her mouth, and struggled to speak up again to clarify. “I _meant_ that there was at least one exception to the rule.”

Gwen placed the small bag aside and opened the water bottle, drinking some off the top. Her eyes went out the window as he pulled into the driveway, taking in their surroundings. 

“Home sweet home,” Blake announced, putting his truck in park. He reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed her bag effortlessly, soon coming around to the side and holding the door open for her to slide out. She did so, and followed him up to the front door. 

Once she was inside, she took in his home. It strangely felt and even smelled like his trailer back at the lot. It was comfortable and welcoming, but not overwhelming. Gwen crossed her arms over herself and she lingered in the foyer for a moment, until Blake motioned forward down the small hallway that led to the living room. She found herself sitting on his couch, and with too much time to think and process everything, her demeanor visibly changed and she looked defeated once more. It was like the reality had set in suddenly about why she was there, what led to those current moments. It was no longer just a quick car ride to get an early dinner.

Blake placed her bag on the ground at the back of the living room couch, and walked around to sit next to her. He caught a glimpse of a single tear on her cheek, and for a moment he was thrown by the change. He felt like they had made a tiny bit of progress, and he didn’t want that to fade away like it never happened. 

“Talk to me,” he encouraged her. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

She swiped furiously at the tear and tried to compose herself, but seemed to fail on that front. Her voice was a faint whisper when she was finally able to reply. 

“I’ve been _horrible_ to you,” she admitted, before pressing her lips together and letting her head hang as she looked into her lap. “I’m embarrassed. I’ve done everything wrong. You have no business being nice to me.”

“You haven’t been yourself,” he offered her the out, but she shook her head in disagreement. 

“You shouldn’t give me an excuse,” she responded and swallowed.

He sighed to himself, every fiber of his being knowing exactly what he wanted to say next. But he was hesitant. He knew he had to tread carefully. His hand reached for hers and she let him take it to hold it, the warmth comforting against her skin.

“Can you tell me why you’ve been so mad at me?” his voice was soft, as both their gazes rested on their hands together. “I mean, if I did something…I want to know. Because I don’t hate you, and the only thing I’ve wanted this whole time is just to at least be your _friend_ …”

She sniffled, and swiped another tear away.

“ _It’s stupid_ ,” she whispered.

“There’s no judgements in this house.”

Her teary eyes went up to his.

“I just keep fucking up, don’t I?” She asked rhetorically. “Everything is a mess. It’s like the one thing I had left today I screwed up forever and I failed. I _failed_ at being a mother. I just don’t even know how to fix something like that, and then I think well, it can’t be fixed.”

“You didn’t fail, Gwen,” Blake squeezed her hand as her head sunk lower and her face broke, but soon let go of her so that his arm could go around her instead. She moved up against him willingly, her arms squeezing his midsection as she took a shaky breath in. He kissed the top of her head before he continued. “You didn’t fail because you saw that you had made a mistake. You asked me to come and help you. You know you needed help, and that was the best thing you could do. You tried to fix it. It was a fluke that Pharrell intervened before that could happen.”

Both of her hands swiped at her face as she exhaled sharply. “I was scared, Blake,” she admitted. “Gavin takes everything away from me like it’s a sport. When Dalia handed me Apollo, I couldn’t say no to her. I thought if something was wrong he would go back and I’d never see him again.” She sniffed as her eyes went up to the ceiling. “Despite what you may think about me, he’s my world. I’ve been a good mom. And I already feel like I’ve lost everything else so I don’t even know what I would do if I lost him too.”

“You just admitted you’ve been a good mom,” he nudged her, cutting straight to the point. “Parents make mistakes. Apollo is happy and safe with Pharrell right now. He’s not going to remember anything about this day.”

“It’s so weird that you’re being this nice to me after everything,” she chuckled once and shook her head. “Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

“Yelling at you will only make it worse,” he responded simply. “You know you made a mistake, what good is it if I also tell you that you made a mistake?” He paused, before continuing. “Besides, I think you’ve punished yourself enough lately, and the headache you’re going to have tomorrow when you haven’t had a sip of liquor in that long is probably going to be the worst one you’ve ever felt.”

She looked up to him. “How do you know that?”

His fingers gently massaged her scalp a little as he looked at her, a hint of sadness in his eyes. “Experience,” he admitted. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a few Advil bottles around here, I’ve got you covered.”

She sighed and nodded once, letting her gaze return to her lap as her head stayed leaning against his chest. Despite everything she felt in her body in those moments, there was still this disarming gut feeling she got when he held her. She craved it, it was like a drug on its own that seemed to have a calming effect. And she was soon to discover that if he did it for a long enough period of time, he could get her to talk about anything.

“You were the final push,” her voice was low, her arms clung a bit more around his midsection and she allowed her eyes to close. “I can’t tell you how many times I went to Coronado by myself, to ask myself the same questions. To try and find the strength to leave him every time he cheated. And that’s on me, I’ve always been weak like that. My parents are high school sweethearts and I’ve always just had this idea in my brain that my marriage had to last forever because anything less was a failure.” She paused and exhaled. “Yet it only took spending twelve hours with you - despite how those twelve hours ended - to actually go through with it that time. You were the only difference. It was you.”

He listened intently as he realized she was starting to open up to him about San Diego. His body froze, almost as if he would miss something if he breathed too hard or moved too loudly. His hand caressed her shoulder, silently encouraging her to continue when she could.

“You have no _idea_ what an impact you had on me that night,” she exhaled. “I don’t even think I can explain it to you. And the rest of it sounds so stupid because you said it before, you said it was just a one night stand. And I guess that I’m really pathetic enough to not even be able to realize that or even know how to handle that, because I had never done that before.” She exhaled. 

“You’re not weak,” he added softly, not wanting her to get too far into her rambling before hearing that from him. “You have to be incredibly strong to go through with initiating a divorce. I didn’t just wake up one day and call my lawyer. That shit took _weeks_ to process in my head.” He paused. “It’s how I know that you’re going to be alright, if you want to be.”

She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together as she listened to his words. It felt like she could just crumble into a million small pieces at that point.

“It hurt when you left,” she managed quietly. “It hurt when I found out your name was different. But I get it. I understand it was just a one night thing for you, I know it didn’t mean anything to you. And I won’t keep punishing you for it. Just because it changed my life — “

“ — I can’t keep sitting here and letting you think _that’s_ what I think about you, Gwen,” Blake interrupted her and sat up suddenly, causing her to straighten her back. He kept his arm loosely around her at her waist. “It wasn’t just some stupid one night stand for me.”

Her eyes shut briefly and she shook her head. “Please don’t tell me that because you think it will make me feel better,” she breathed unsteadily. “Because you already said that’s what it was.”

“I lied to you,” Blake admitted. “I said that out of anger, and I shouldn’t have. You were hurting so much more than I realized and I lashed out.” He paused, and let out a breath. “God, if only you knew how much of an impact _you_ had on _me_ after that night.”

“Doubt it,” she whispered. “Blake, you really don’t have to do this…”

“Do what? Tell you the truth?" He asked. “I gave you a different name because my divorce had just gone public. I couldn’t tell if you would even know who I was. Country music has it’s own following, and when you’re not in the south, it’s hard to navigate. Sometimes everyone knows you, and sometimes nobody does.” He sighed. “And honestly, I lied about my name before I even realized I was doing it. It just came out, I wasn’t trying to deceive you. I was just trying to hide.”

She sniffled and swiped under her eye. “I realize I lied about my name too,” she breathed. “I just…the expectations that come along with that were killing me back then. Not just from the public, Gavin’s expectations of me were insane. And I know it doesn’t even make sense because Gavin wasn’t even with me in Coronado, but if you live with someone long enough that’s always telling you not to go outside without a full face of make-up on, or when an outfit isn’t flattering, or to _be careful_ if I’m slouching in a bikini because of the pictures people could take of me…the name is sometimes synonymous with feeling inadequate.”

Blake looked down at her sadly, but he didn’t say anything. Mostly because he was still processing that. He recalled feeling like her insecurities had revealed themselves a few times when they were together, but he never wanted to push in on it. He just hoped that he could _show_ her appreciation instead of just talking about it.

The silence lingered for a few moments as she fought to muster up the courage to ask the question she was dying to know the answer to. She couldn’t get the words out the first few times she tried, but she forced herself to look at him with glassy eyes. “Why did you leave before I woke up?”

Her small voice asking those inevitable words gutted him. It rendered him temporarily speechless again, even though he knew all of the answers. 

“Because I was scared,” he managed eventually, his eyes on hers steadily. “For a lot of reasons, really. Gwen, you have to understand…what a _horrible_ place I was in back then. Meeting you was the first time I felt like I actually did the right thing by signing those divorce papers. I spent weeks and even months feeling so guilty over it, but it all disappeared when I met you. I was able to breathe again that night. I had no idea you could meet someone and just have a strong connection with them so fast. I was in a bad place, and I couldn’t bring you down with me.” 

He paused as his eyes went up to the ceiling, the next part of it almost too difficult to put into words. “I panicked because I found myself laying there after you fell asleep and I was just thinking how incredible you were, and I didn’t want to go through the disappointment of you regretting me in the morning. Because why would you even be interested?”

The question was rhetorical, but her eyes went back up to his almost immediately. “ _Blake_ ,” she said, her voice breaking as she felt the tears coming again. She sat up a bit straighter and pulled her legs onto the couch, criss crossing them as she swiped her eyes. “Do you realize that I thought the same thing? You left _your own hotel room_ because that’s how much you didn’t want to be around me. That shit _hurt_. And after we stayed up all night, and the things we talked about - I don’t know, I admit I had never had a one night stand before, but that felt _nothing_ like a one night stand to me.”

“Technically you and I are at a _two night stand_ status now,” he nudged her, trying to lighten the mood. “I think that might make us friends. Or at the kids are calling it, _friends with benefits_ …”

His attempt to lighten the mood worked as she laughed softly through her tears. “We’re in trouble then, cause I’m obviously no good at that.”

Blake’s hand went to her cheek. “I’m _so_ sorry that I hurt you,” he said in almost a whisper. “Sweet girl, it’s the last thing I ever meant to do.”

She inhaled sharply and nodded, hearing the name he had used for her when they first met. _Sweet girl._ It gutted her, caused her to freeze up, but she quickly realized and fought to offer a quick smile through her tears. Her hand came up to his and she interlaced their fingers, resting their joint hands on her knee.

“Come ‘ere,” he tugged her hand a bit, indicating that he wanted her to move closer to him. She went back under his arm and he held her as her tears slowed, an easy and comfortable silence falling between them.

————

_Day 0.5_

The uncomfortable tossing and turning was getting to be too much.

It was a slow, maddening progression that just started with a low level of discomfort beyond the headache she had felt most of the day, but it escalated quickly. Her eyes opened in the pitch black guest room as her body twisted and turned, trying to find some relief. Her legs kicked the covers off as she suddenly felt hot. She rested the back of her hand against her forehead then touched her face, feeling no difference as she just felt hot _everywhere_.

Her hands felt the clothes on her body - a simple pair of jersey shorts and a tank. Her eyes went to the ceiling fan and confirmed it was still on the highest setting. She felt another hot flash course through her veins, but then felt a shock to her system as she almost felt _cold_ , the shivers hitting her suddenly. 

When she was so miserable she couldn’t take it anymore, she sat up abruptly in the bed, her feet soon planted on the ground. She stood as her hand held her head, walking out of the guest room quietly. Her footsteps were almost nonexistent as she walked down the hall, a very clear and deliberate path to the kitchen.

She opened the fridge first. Her eyes scanned the contents, not finding what she was looking for. She rummaged a few things around just in case, making sure to look at everything, but she came up empty. The fridge door closed right before the freezer door opened. She moved a few pizza boxes to the side, pressed up on her toes to look in the higher side shelf, her hands pushing frozen vegetables to the side. She checked the ice tray, but to her disappointment, only ice. 

She moved on to the cabinets. She opened the first few to find plates and bowls, closing them and moving on to the next.

“You can look all ya want, but there’s not a drop in the house.”

She gasped and jumped as she suddenly heard Blake’s voice, turning around as her eyes just looked out into the empty, dark room. Her eyes darted, searching for him for a few moments before they caught movement over by the couch in the living room nearby. Blake sat up fully and only took a moment to stand up before he walked slowly over to join her.

“Why are you sleeping on the couch?” She asked lowly, her eyes cast down as her hands clutched to the lip of the kitchen counter on both sides behind her. The guilt she was feeling was obvious.

“Why are you rummaging through my kitchen at 2 in the mornin’?” He turned the question back on her as he walked up to the kitchen island separating them, rubbing his hand over his face just before he rested his forearms on it.

“I feel like I’m dying,” her strained voice answered, almost in a pleading tone. “I’m hot then I’m cold and I’m nauseous and shaky and I’m not _trying_ to fuck up here, I don’t want to fuck up, but my body feels like it’s breaking and it just _needs_ a _little_ …” She felt herself starting to get emotional as she felt defeated, realizing that despite her desperate plea, she knew how it sounded and she doubted he was going to understand.

“That’s not how this works, darlin’,” Blake responded sadly, with a sigh.

“I’m not trying to get drunk, I’m just trying to not feel like I’m dying,” she tried again, but her eyes wouldn’t meet his. She felt like it was a losing argument from the start, and she resigned herself from it the moment her arms crossed over themselves as she felt another shiver course through her body.

He watched her for a few moments - this broken and needy version he knew was to be expected, but it still hit him on some other level.

“Come on,” he said, motioning to her. He stood up straight and walked around the kitchen island to her side.

Her head perked up to look at him. “What?”

“Trust me,” he said, still holding his arm out for her. She hesitated but moved forward, walking up next to him. Blake reached around her and pulled something out of the fridge, his head nodding towards the hallway and indicating for her to start heading that way.

He pushed open the door to the guest room and flicked the lamp on by the bedside. She took a seat near the head of the bed, her eyes looking up to him. He revealed an orange gatorade in his hand, and he broke the seal on the cap and handed it to her.

“Start drinking some of this,” he instructed. “I’ll be right back.”

Her brow furrowed as she watched him walk out of the room, and she mindlessly began taking small sips from the bottle. It was only a few minutes before he returned, handing her two different pills. She looked up to him for an explanation. 

“One is going to help make you feel like your stomach is still where it needs to be, the other is going to help calm you down,” he explained. She took them from his palm, rolling them between her fingers once before she placed them on her tongue, using the gatorade to wash them down.

Blake stepped over to the small closet, pulling down another blanket before walking back over to her and taking a seat next to her. He draped it over her shoulders, and sat with her in silence as she continued to drink the gatorade. 

“Did you sleep on the couch on purpose?” he asked him, her eyes in her lap. 

“I had an inkling,” he admitted. “I knew that even though you only had a headache last night it was going to get worse for you.”

A few moments of silence. And then…

“Is there a reason you don’t you have any alcohol in your house?” She asked next, not moving her gaze but raising one eyebrow.

“Because I don’t drink alcohol anymore,” he responded simply at first, but then backtracked as he felt that maybe that wasn’t the whole truth. “I’ve slipped up a few times, those damn beers, I’ll admit it. But there’s no reason for me to have any.”

The part he deliberately left out was that while he could count on one hand how many beers he had consumed in the last year, he wasn’t about to tell her that all but one were from the night he saw her again for the first time.

“That’s what you meant by _experience_ ,” her foggy mind was connecting the dots in a way they hadn’t before. 

“It just didn’t end in a good place,” he brushed it off a bit, the silence easily falling again between them. “Life has a lot to offer, even when it feels like it’s over. And for me, liquor _especially_ , just isn’t worth it.”

She listened to him in silence. Blake felt the moment the drugs began to work when Gwen’s head leaned against him without her even realizing it. Blake reached down and gently took the gatorade from her hand, placing it on the nightstand. 

“The next few days aren’t going to be easy,” he warned her softly. “You are going to want to drink to make it stop. I know you want a drink right now. But you can’t give into that. If you can get through the next few days, the rest is so much easier.” He paused. “I know you can’t imagine that right now, but can you trust me?”

His arm squeezed around her gently and she nodded, her eyes obviously getting tired.

“I’m going to do what I can to help you,” Blake added. “You’ll probably rest a lot, but I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. I think you need it.”

“Why are you doing all of this?” She knew she had already asked that question so many times, but it still didn’t help the disbelief that crept up and invaded her thoughts. 

“Because we’re going to get the girl from the beach back,” he nudged her gently. 

_Because I think I love her._

The thought was jarring and unexpected as it ran through his head without permission. He swallowed harshly, as he started to second guess it. Did he mean that? Was it friend love? Romantic love? Did he love Gwen, or was he grasping onto an ideal of _Renee_ that may or may not exist?

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?” she whispered the question, which pulled him back to the present. He chuckled to himself at the request, feeling like she was mere seconds away from passing out already.

“Of course I will,” he responded, reaching to pull back the covers so that she could lay down once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, these chapters are all erring on the longer side. I know you don't mind, but I was just making an observation!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented to let me know they're still alive, that's important. Do it again. Ha!
> 
> xoxo


	9. Every Time I Try & Stop, Feels Even Worse

_Day 1_

She was dazed and confused - caught somewhere between sleep and consciousness as she felt a hand running down her back. It was the type of feeling you get right before you wake up, almost like the free fall into the abyss that you can’t stop. It feels so real in the moment, but it soon proves to be a figment of your imagination. The theory extinguished entirely that she was imagining it as soon as his voice grew louder in her ear.

“Gwen,” Blake repeated, probably for the fourth of fifth time by then. She realized she was sleeping on her stomach, her head hunched and curled in her arms. He continued rubbing her back to pull her awake, and though delayed, she groaned softly as she remembered he was there. 

When she rolled onto her back, strained eyes were met with his soft smile. 

“Sorry to wake you,” he spoke in a low tone. “You’ve been out all day.”

Her arms stretched slightly above her head as her eyes closed briefly, another small groan caught in her throat. 

“What time is it?” she asked groggily, her cheek falling back to the pillow.

“About 3:00,” he answered. “I would have let you sleep the whole day, but I have something that’s really going to help,” he explained. “And uh, she’s here.”

“She?” Her voice inflected higher as she questioned him. Gwen was watching him intently as he motioned over towards the door, and she was almost afraid to look. She soon did, however, and a strange relief washed over her as she actually had no idea who was now in the room with them. But then that realization had the opposite effect, and despite her aches and pains, she abruptly shot up into a sitting position as her body tensed.

Blake was startled by the sudden, unexpected movement, and struggled to get a word out to speak first.

“Who is _she_?” she snapped immediately, feeling her anxiety ramp up and all but take over as her heart rate accelerated. “Why did you just _bring_ someone in here without my consent?? Is she here to take photos and leak them??” Her attention went to the woman. “Are you trying to ruin my career and get my son taken away from me??”

Blake grabbed her arms in a quick response and held them, not knowing how else to get her attention as her breathing started to become erratic.

“Hey, hey, look at me!” His voice raised as his hands turned her towards him. Gwen didn’t look at first but her eyes went to him even as her breathing was still labored. “She is a _nurse_ ,” Blake explained. “She signed an NDA, I’m not new at this.”

She swallowed harshly as her eyes fixated on Blake, her mind trying to concentrate on processing his words instead of her heavily beating heart rate. His head tilted to the side as he watched her, gently caressing the sides of her arms in an effort to help her calm. Gwen’s eyes went from him and briefly up to the woman next to him. 

“Why is she here?” Her lip trembled as she asked the question, her head leaned forward as her eyes closed through another dizzy spell. 

“You’re dehydrated,” Blake said softly. “She’s going to give you fluids to help you feel better.”

He flinched as she unexpectedly jumped up off the bed and to her feet. Briefly, Blake thought maybe she was trying to make a run for it, but the bathroom door slammed abruptly as he realized she was just nauseous. 

A few minutes later she was walking slowly back into the bedroom, hand on her head and eyes halfway deceased. Her hand reached forward to grab onto the mattress, slowly allowing herself to sit back down. She wasn’t upright for long as her body laid down and curled up into a ball. 

“You alright?” Blake asked gently after a few moments.

“That’s a dumb question,” she mumbled, and didn’t even look at him.

He sighed, not taking offense and letting it roll off his back. If anyone understood where she was at right then and there, it was him. 

“Come on,” he encouraged her. “Let’s get you set up real quick and then you can lay back down.”

“Where are the pills?” She asked, bypassing his suggestion. 

“What pills?” He inquired back.

“The ones from last night,” she explained. “I want more.”

“You can take more later tonight,” he explained. “You need to give your body a break from them.”

“I don’t care about my body when I feel _dead_ ,” she emphasized. “If I already feel dead, what’s the difference if they knock me out?”

Blake hummed. “Well, I’m not going to let you swap a liquor bottle for an addiction to the pill cabinet,” he said simply. “Do you want some more Advil?”

“Keep your fucking candy,” she mumbled. Her face went from stone cold to broken in a few moments as her eyes shut tight, another wave of migraine and dizziness coming on. She shut her eyes so tightly that tears went down her cheeks. 

“You only feel that bad because you’re dehydrated,” he tried again. 

Once the wave of dizziness was over, her eyes opened and fixated on him. What he was saying made sense, despite her brain being a jumbled mess. Her mouth was dry. Her head was pounding. Her skin felt tight.

“Come on, sit up a bit,” Blake moved across the bed and over to her side, gently helping her into an upright position. His one arm came around her as she used him to lean on. From the corner of her eye she watched the nurse, who hadn’t spoken yet, walk around to the other side of the bed and take a seat on the edge right next to her. 

“Can I see your arm?” The nurse’s words were soft and sweet, accompanied with a small encouraging smile. 

Gwen held her arm out without a second thought. “What? Why?”

“Best place for an IV,” the nurse explained. 

“Wait what?” Gwen jerked her arm back without meaning to, her eyes suddenly wider. “No no no, I don’t do needles,” she shook her head as her heart started beating faster - just the thought of them made her shudder. 

“It’s just a small prick and it will be over with,” Blake nudged her. “I promise you, you are going to feel so much better, it will be worth it.”

“I’m terrified of needles,” she practically whined, as her face cringed.

“Hey, look at me,” Blake asked, but Gwen shook her head.

“No, because the second I do, she’s going to grab my arm and stab me with a needle.”

The nurse put both hands up in surrender. “I would never do that, I don’t stick needles in people without consent, Gwen.”

“Look at me,” Blake said again. Her eyes fixated on the nurse, almost as if she was warning her, before they drifted over and up to look at Blake. When he had her full attention, he spoke again. “Tell me about Apollo. I want to know more about the little guy.”

“Now you’re trying to distract me,” she called him out. 

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to do,” Blake admitted. He reached for the opposite arm of hers that the nurse had previously held, and he gently extended it by her side. She swallowed roughly as the nerves began to rise, thinking that any moment she was going to get stabbed with a needle. “What are his favorite toys? What does he like to eat?”

She was still hesitant in her gaze as she looked at him, but relented and gave an answer. “He’s in a dinosaur phase right now,” Gwen explained. “Everything has to be about dinosaurs. His chicken nuggets have to be dinosaurs. I have to tell him his vegetables are dinosaur treats. He has a blue and green stuffed dinosaur that he named _Dinosaur_ that he carries around everywhere and he can’t live or sleep without him. I can’t even get the toy away from him for a minute to clean it up — “

Gwen gasped and her body tightened as she felt the needle penetrate her skin.

“Easy, Gwen, stay still for me,” the nurse said. Gwen’s other hand grabbed harshly onto Blake’s thigh as she tried to ride through the wave of pain. Blake’s arm around her held her tighter, trying to assist in helping her stay still. Her head snapped back, her eyes went to the ceiling as she tried to focus on anything else.

“Try to relax a little,” the nurse spoke again. While the worst pain was over, she was hardly in a relaxing mood and her body stayed tense. Just as it began to ease, her body tensed up again and she whimpered.

“Ice…” she managed, cringing. “I feel like I have ice going through my veins.”

The nurse taped the line to her skin as she responded. “That’s okay. It’s not pleasant, I know, but it’s not abnormal,” she responded softly.

Gwen forced a rough breath as her eyes shut tight. Without thinking or realizing it, she felt her body naturally draw itself closer into Blake’s, craving the warmth she was suddenly more aware of that he was radiating. He reached forward, trying not to shift too abruptly, and pulled the covers over her, tucking them around her. She stayed completely still and silent for a few minutes, having found a comfortable refuge in Blake’s arm.

“Now all we do is wait,” the nurse spoke softly, turning to her small medical bag. 

“I’m going to stay with her,” Blake responded. “If you want to make yourself at home in the living room, you’re more than welcome.”

“Sure,” the woman nodded, taking the hint. “Just come get me if you need anything. I’ll be back in 30 minutes to check the line.”

A few minutes later and the nurse left the room, leaving the two of them alone once more. 

“Why does this suck so much?” Gwen asked in the faintest of whispers, though her body was completely unmoved. 

Blake contemplated for a moment. “Nothing worth having is easy, sweet girl.”

————

_Day 2_

She didn’t know what was worse - feeling like death, or the feeling of guilt that completely overtook her being.

Her eyes opened to the sun peeking in through the windows, the gentle creaking of the ceiling fan now a familiar noise, reminding her exactly where she was. Her hand ran back through her hair as she adjusted her position in bed, sighing as she felt hungry for the first time in a long time. She took it as a sign that somehow she felt _less_ dead that day, though certainly not a hundred percent. 

Gwen groaned softly as she pulled herself into a sitting position, realizing her migraine had downgraded to a headache. She glanced down to the bandage on her arm where the IV needle had been the day before. She felt like she needed a shower, and mustered up all of her energy to stand on her own. 

She closed her eyes as she let the warm water fall down her body, and she couldn’t help but stand there for a while just to take the sensation in. Somewhere amongst the jumbled labyrinth of her thoughts she found herself suddenly inhaling sharply, tears pricking in her eyes as she let the water drown out the few moments she allowed herself to cry. 

Her eyes went to herself in the mirror - her body wrapped in a towel, her facial features slightly red from crying. She watched her hand as she brushed her wet hair back a few strokes. Her eyes went back to her reflection, and she swallowed as the guilt washed over her again. She forced her eyes away and got dressed in a fresh pair of joggers and a t-shirt, braiding her wet hair to the side before finding herself walking down the hall. 

Gwen’s footsteps were nearly nonexistent as she walked. She heard nonspecific sounds coming from the kitchen - perhaps the rattling of a fork and a frying pan, was her best guess. Her suspicions were confirmed as she peered from around the corner, seeing Blake slightly hunched over the stovetop as he focused on whatever he was cooking. She forced herself to take another breath before she continued forward. She couldn’t even make it halfway up to him before she felt the tears start to come again. 

Instead of saying anything, her arms slid around him from the side to let him know she was there.

Blake flinched in surprise, but soon smiled down at her genuinely. 

“You’re up,” he observed, as his hand touched the top of her head. “You even showered. That’s progress.”

She didn’t say anything and just hugged him a bit tighter.

Her lack of words was a bit concerning, and he set the spatula down he was holding. His hand went to her cheek. “Hey,” he nudged her, and reluctantly, her tear stained eyes looked up to him. 

Her lips pressed together. “ _I’m sorry_ ,” she whispered, and shook her head before she cast her gaze back down. 

“No, no, hey,” Blake nudged her again, but she didn’t look back up at him. He shifted a little out of her grip, enough to lift under her arms to sit her on top of the counter. Her hands hid her face at first as she rubbed under her eyes. She sniffled as she let her head gently rest against the cabinet behind her, and her eyes went to his again. 

He was attentive to her, only looking back to the stove top once to switch it off. 

“You look better,” he offered genuinely, trying to gently encourage her to talk. 

She nodded once. “Yeah,” she responded faintly. “Head still hurts, not as much though.”

“So why are you upset?” He asked next, realizing it was a bold question, but wanting too much to get to the bottom of it. 

She closed her eyes. “Guilt,” she admitted. “Guilt over _everything_. It’s eating me alive.”

“Guilt over what?”

“Wasting your time. Being a problem. Being a burden. Apollo. Pharrell. Gavin. _Everything_.”

He sighed and didn’t hesitate to move forward, pulling her into his arms and hugging her tightly. He felt her head rest on his shoulder as she hugged him back, and didn’t speak until she felt her exhale and relax into the embrace. 

“You’re not a waste of my time, for one,” he murmured softly. “You can be a stubborn bitch, but you’re not a _problem_ or a _burden_. I think it’s just a part of your charm, really.” He paused and felt a small, stifled laugh from her. His hand caressed her back softly before he continued. “Apollo is just fine. Perfectly healthy and safe. Pharrell is your best friend and he loves you a ton, you’ve done nothing that’s unforgivable.” He paused. “And Gavin, well, fuck him, really.”

Gwen pulled back to look at Blake, a small smile on her lips in contrast to the tears still in her eyes. Blake’s thumb gently swiped under them just as Gwen’s entire body exhaled, her gaze going back to his.

“You’re doing so much for me,” she said softly, her head tilting to the side. “I don’t deserve any of it. I don’t deserve a friend like you.” She paused. “You have your own life and your own stuff I’m sure, and you’ve dropped it these past few days for some random girl you met on a beach.” She chuckled softly in disbelief as she shook her head once.

“You know you’re not a random girl, Gwen,” he countered, his own head tilting as he just observed her for a few moments.

“I lied to you,” she whispered, her mind shifting gears as she felt herself getting more and more lost in all of the guilt she felt.

“What do you mean?” He probed softly.

Her eyes were cast down into her lap. “When we woke up together in your trailer,” she explained, her voice barely audible. She swallowed as she took an unexpected pause amongst her thoughts. “I let you think I woke up when you did, but I was already awake. You were still sleeping.” She exhaled sharply and shook her head. “I actually _wanted_ you there and the first thing I did was yell at you. I don’t know why that was easier.” She paused again. “I don’t know how it was so easy for me to be a hypocrite.” 

Blake took her words in as he watched her, soon sighing as he contemplated how to respond.

“None of that matters anymore,” his voice was soft. “There was a lot of hurt and confusion. And I’m not ever going to hold anything against you knowing all of what you were going through.”

She sighed. “You’re giving me an excuse again.”

Blake shrugged. “What’s the alternative?” He asked. “You want me to yell and throw things?”

“If it would help,” she replied honestly. 

“Would it help you?”

Their eyes met and she swallowed again, nervous and unsure how to even answer that. Thankfully, he soon saved her from having to give a response.

“Well, it won’t help me,” he chuckled once and shook his head. “You’re barking up the wrong tree if you’re looking for someone to punish you. Like I said before, I think you’ve done enough of that yourself, and _personally_ , I think you should give yourself a break from it.”

“I have just always hated feeling like a problem,” she shifted, repeating the sentiment again as she sighed.

“You’re not a problem,” he countered again.”You’re a _friend_. One that I care about.” 

The few moments of silence following was soon interrupted by Gwen’s stomach rumbling. 

“Now _that_ is a small problem,” Blake grinned and gestured to her stomach as he tried to lighten the mood. “But it’s one I already have a solution for.” Blake glanced down to the hash brows in the frying pan, then back up to Gwen. “I made extra hash browns hoping you’d be hungry. Want some?”

Gwen glanced to the frying pan briefly before she looked back up to Blake and she nodded. Blake shifted and went to reach into a far cabinet for some plates, but Gwen’s hand reached out to stop him. He glanced over to her as she pulled him back. Before either of them fully knew what was happening, Gwen’s arms were around Blake’s neck. Her lips brushed against his and she felt her body tense just before she took the plunge and kissed him deeply.

The kiss broke naturally after a few moments, their foreheads lightly touching as the reality hit them both over what had just happened. Gwen’s arms loosened slightly, her palms sliding and now resting lightly against his chest. Her gaze rested on them.

“Do you, uhhmm,” Blake managed gently, clearing his throat a little. “Do you normally kiss people when you feel guilty?”

“No,” her small, timid voice answered. “Only when I want them.”

Blake swallowed roughly. “Gwen…”

Her hands retracted almost immediately hearing the apologetic tone, her body pulling away. “I’m an idiot, just ignore me.”

He wasn’t going to let her get away, though, his hands immediately came to hold onto her shoulders. “Wait a second here…”

“It’s okay, Blake, I get it,” she exhaled. “I’m a fucking mess and there’s no _way_ you would ever…” her thought dropped mid-sentence as she seemed to blank for a moment. “…after _everything_ …” she shook her head, hoping that what she was trying to say was just getting through. “You were right. I’m living in some fantasy land and _this_ doesn’t really exist.”

“I _would_ …” he managed, trying to find the words before this quickly went downhill. “I _do_ , I mean, I _want to_ ,” he stammered out, which was the only thing that made Gwen’s getaway attempt come to a full stop as she glanced back to him. “ _But_ …”

As soon as the last word came out, her demeanor shifted once more and she moved to break free of his hold. 

“ _Yeah_ ,” she breathed with a nod. “Just forget it.”

“Can I say something, _please_?” He managed. “Before you go running off and get this all wrong?”

Gwen slid off the counter to stand up, partially trapped between him and the counter once she was on her feet. Her intention was to continue to try and escape this awkward situation she put them both in, but her eyes went up to him instead. 

“I _do_ feel something for you,” he admitted confidently, though secretly, he was terrified as the words came out of his mouth. “What I’m trying to say is…” he exhaled, finding the words suddenly difficult again. “It’s a road that I want to go down, but you need to focus on you right now. You need to get yourself out of the woods first before we could…”

He looked down after mustering the courage to hold her gaze again, but hers was on the floor. His hand went to her cheek, pulling it up to look at him. 

“I’m not going to be the reason you fail,” he said gently. “And this isn’t going to be forever, sweet girl.” He paused as he watched her lips press gently together. “I’m not going anywhere. I told you already, the girl from the beach is worth waiting for.”

“Do you think I only did that because I feel guilty?” She whispered the question, not wanting him to think that was the truth. 

“No, I don’t,” Blake responded, before pausing. “You’ve been going through some things. I just don’t want to jump into anything too fast.”

“We’ve already slept together,” she chuckled lowly, shaking her head. “You don’t think we’ve already done _fast_?”

“It’s complicated,” Blake agreed. “You deserve to make the decision to start something when you’re back to being yourself. I’m not going to rush you on that just because _I_ want to start something.” He paused. “It wouldn’t be right for me to do that.”

She nodded quickly and sighed. His arms went around her and hugged her again as he kissed the top of her head. 

“Can I see Apollo tomorrow?” She asked a few moments later, trying desperately to change the subject. 

They both pulled back from the embrace, their eyes falling on each other once more.

“It’s the last day Pharrell has him,” she added quietly. “And I just…I really miss him. And it doesn’t have to be all day, just like an hour would be better than nothing?”

Blake sighed as his hand caressed the side of her cheek. 

“How about we see how you’re feeling tomorrow morning first,” he suggested. “I can call Pharrell and see if he can bring him by for a little while.”

Gwen nodded in agreement. “Thank you,” she responded. “That means a lot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are still enjoying this story ❤️❤️❤️ One of the next chapters will be a doozy. Please let me know what you think.
> 
> xoxo


	10. Underneath The Avalanche

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is going to be a ride... ❤️

_Day 2.5_

Her eyes were fixated out the back window and on the small patch of grass in the backyard when she realized her hands were trembling. 

She stood there, somehow both frozen stiff and slightly shaking in anxiety at the same time. She had been standing there ever since Blake told her to give him a few minutes to change. He wanted to take her somewhere, but she didn’t know where. It was sudden; didn’t seem premeditated, but maybe it was. Maybe he somehow just knew how much she put herself through mentally when it came to leaving the house in general. 

It wouldn’t surprise her at this point. 

She swallowed as one hand stilled on the back of her neck momentarily, a delayed reaction once Blake’s footsteps were heading towards her again. Her attention drew as she felt his warm hand suddenly hold and still her cold one tucked across her chest.

“You’re shaking,” he observed quietly. She felt a small jolt in her hand want to pull away immediately, but instead she kept it where it was and he squeezed it gently. “Are you feeling worse?”

She shook her head but didn’t make eye contact. Gwen was silent for a few more moments before she managed to speak. “Where are we going?” She asked hesitantly. 

“Do you trust me?” Blake responded, his head tilting a bit as his soft gaze looked down to her. 

“It’s not about trust,” she managed. “I can’t…” her words fell off as she bit her lip. “I can’t go out like this.”

“Like what?” He asked gently, not having a clue what she was referring to. 

“You won’t tell me where you’re taking me and I look like _shit_.”

He blankly stared at her for a moment, physically shaking his head once to bring himself back to reality. The fact that someone like Gwen only saw problems when she looked at herself in the mirror was completely baffling to him. 

“Do you mean like, your clothes?” Blake asked, genuinely trying to make sense of it. “I think you look just fine, but if you really want to change…”

“It’s not my clothes,” she cut him off. “You just don’t understand.”

Her eyes were cast down again and he sighed, his mind working and contemplating. His arms went around her waist and gently pulled her in the few half steps that were separating them. When she let her forehead rest on his chest, he pecked a kiss on the top of her head.

“I’m not ever going to take you somewhere that is going to hurt you,” he mumbled into her hair. “Are you worried about paps?”

“Maybe,” she relented, just loud enough for him to hear. She turned her gaze up to him and locked eyes with him, studying his facial features for a moment. “You don’t understand because when you first met me, you met me _like this_ ,” she breathed. “And I can’t put it into words without it sounding so incredibly stupid…”

“Mmm,” he contemplated for a moment. “If you say it, you take the power away,” his body nudged gently into hers.

She sighed and shook her head. “Call me shallow, stupid, vapid… _fake_ …”

“ — _Gwen_ ,” he interrupted her train of adjectives. “I’ll call you _Gwen_ because it’s your name.”

She sighed again. “Fine, let’s just go,” she gave in, her body moving to turn out of his embrace. But he wouldn’t let her move. Blake gave her a look, one that confirmed he wasn’t going to just let her go on that one.

“It makes me anxious to leave the house with shitty stringy hair and nothing on my face, okay?” She blurted out suddenly, a twinge of annoyance in her voice.

“Because you’re afraid that someone will see you?”

“As stupid and shallow as that makes me…”

It was Blake’s turn to sigh, as he shifted the conversation. “You know, you keep doing that,” he pointed out.

“What?” Her eyes widened as she suddenly didn’t know where this conversation is going.

“You’re testing me,” he continued. “You’re pushing so hard, wasting so much energy trying to convince me what a bad person you think you are, and it’s not going to work.” He paused. “Because you’re _not_. And there isn’t anything you can say to me that is going to convince me that you are.”

“I’m not testing you, I’m telling the truth.”

“No,” he shook his head. “You feel guilty for mistakes you’ve made, and it’s easier for you to hide behind this negative version of yourself. It’s a farce.” He swallowed. “And I think you’re _afraid_.”

“Please indulge me,” she almost scoffed. “Please tell me what I’m suddenly so scared of.”

“You’re afraid you’re going to push people too far and they’re going to leave you,” he replied immediately. “It’s why you’re pushing me away, to see when I’m going to leave.”

Gwen’s response was caught somewhere in her throat as her eyes simply found themselves staring forward into the soft jean colored t-shirt he was wearing. 

“Or maybe I just despise the person that stares back at me in the mirror,” she offered in a whisper with a small shrug of her left shoulder. 

“You need to let her go, then,” his warm hand clasped onto one of her shoulders. “Let me in. Talk to _me_.”

Gwen inhaled and shut her eyes briefly, before directing her gaze up to meet his. 

“I’m really self conscious and anxious when it comes to going out in public,” she forced herself to admit to him, her eyes locking into his. “I know most people get used to people with cameras following them around, but it makes me really anxious. It always has. And when you’re married to someone for over a decade that amplifies all of your insecurities…” her voice trailed off. “It’s a lot to think about every time. It’s not something you can just get past.”

“Wasn’t that easier than beating yourself up with adjectives?”

She chuckled once and shook her head. “Um. No?”

“Hmm,” he responded, his head tilting slightly. “Take your hair down.”

“What?”

He released her and began to walk across the room. “Take your hair out of that bun thing.”

She looked at him curiously but a hand slowly raised to tug her hair out of the topknot piled on the top of her head. He walked back a few moments later, securing a baseball cap on top of her head and adjusting it smaller.

“Ball caps are underrated when it comes to dodging cameras,” he explained as he continued to adjust it for her. “So I’m told, at least. Paps don’t like me, I’m too sasquatch-y.”

“Dork,” she mumbled. Gwen looked up to him from under the visor once he finished adjusting. 

“Better?” He asked. 

She nodded once.

“You know, I _am_ a pretty discreet Sasquatch…”

“Now who’s the one saying negative shit about themselves?” She called him out on it.

“Oh, no, I’m an awesome Sasquatch. Top tier,” he quipped. 

There was something about his flippant and direct response that made her laugh softly. 

“Come on, sweet girl,” he beckoned her, holding out his hand for her to take. “I’ve got you.”

——

One turn down an unfamiliar road made all the difference in her recognizing exactly where they were and suddenly having no idea entirely. 

Though her nerves were mostly calm as they drove down the familiar LA streets, they seemed to act up again as she lost the sense of familiarity that she didn’t realize was so important to her. Her head titled as she took in the surroundings, concentrating on the details nearby that might help her piece together where they were going. It was futile though, something confirmed as Blake pulled into a nondescript parking lot. 

She didn’t think much of it when she saw a small sign for a community center in front of a medium sized building right up against the coast. But she also couldn’t manage to put the pieces together.

As she opened the truck door, the salt in the air hit her senses immediately. She inhaled, needing that freshness more than she realized in those moments. Blake rounded the car and took her hand in his, gently encouraging her to walk with him. She followed without hesitation, deep down realizing she was trusting him completely with where he was leading her. 

She didn’t want to fight. She didn’t want to make a big deal or even let her anxiety show too much to him. She wanted to let her mind be clear, she wanted someone to take the lead and the burden of making the decisions about everything. Blake hadn’t steered her wrong, and she had to be thankful for feeling closer to herself in those moments than she had in a really long time. 

Her newfound clarity came to a crashing and confusing halt as Blake walked her down a small hallway and her eyes fixated on a small, discreet sign on the door.

_A.A._

Her feet stopped moving and she halted abruptly in her tracks, her hand dropping from Blake’s as he wasn’t prepared for her sudden shift of pace. She felt herself take a step back, tentatively finding her breathing more labored just before she turned back down the hallway they had just walked down. 

Blake followed immediately, allowing them both to step away far enough for some privacy.

“Are you trying to embarrass me?” She whispered the question, her arms crossing protectively over herself. “What is this, Blake? What is this supposed to mean?”

“Of course I’m not trying to embarrass you,” he whispered back.

“I _don’t_ need to be here,” she said adamantly. “I _stopped_. I don’t have the kind of problem that requires _this_.”

“Well, I _do_.”

Her head snapped up so quickly she could have strained her neck, her eyes meeting his. They were searching his as they became a bit watery, the confusion evident and not subsiding. 

“What?” she breathed the question in shock. It was all she could manage. “You’re in A.A.?”

“Sometimes,” he answered with a nod. “Look, Gwen, I didn’t bring you here to try and tell you what to do. That’s really for you to decide.” He paused, before continuing. “What I do know, though, is that coming to a few of these meetings changed my entire perspective on life, as crazy as that seems. They shocked me out of a really bad time in my life.”

She _was_ shocked, to say the least, as her lips were moving but she couldn’t quite get any words to come out just yet. 

“I didn’t bring you here to tell you that you belong here,” he continued. “I brought you here as a guest. My guest.” He swallowed. “You don’t have to say or do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. But I hope that you’ll go in with me. Just to listen.”

“I..I..I…” she stammered and shook her head. “Blake, I can’t, someone is going to see…”

“ _Anonymous_ is written in the name,” he reminded her. “They keep good on that.”

She swallowed roughly, looking back and forth between him and the door down the hall. Her eyes were partially shielded by the baseball cap, but it was obvious her mind was calculating. Her gaze went down to her hand when she felt Blake take it into his.

“I would never put you in a situation where I thought there was a risk of hurting you,” he said again with a light squeeze. 

“I’m scared,” she mumbled.

“I’m not plannin’ on leaving you,” he responded, squeezing once more. “If it gets to be too much for you, we can step out. It’s okay.”

There were a few moments of silence until Blake dared to gently tug for her to follow. Though she didn’t move immediately, she took a step forward, drawing close to his side.

She let him lead her back down the hall and into the room. Blake immediately went for two chairs closest to the door, feeling as if it was the best option for Gwen as he knew she didn’t exactly feel comfortable with where they were. They both took a seat; he went to move his hand away in an attempt to give her a bit of space, but she held onto it before he could manage to break their contact. Blake glanced to his side and squeezed her hand again, not minding one bit. 

Gwen was fighting a mountain of anxiety and could barely even catch onto any words being spoken as the meeting began shortly after. She wanted to hide, she felt embarrassed but didn’t know why, but she willed herself to remain still and present. She kept reminding herself that Blake had asked her to be there with him, and even though deep down she _knew_ they weren’t really there for him, the small white lie helped her in some way.

Her mind continued to be a jumbled mess until she felt Blake shift in his chair, and heard him clearing his throat. Her body felt suddenly tense when she realized he was actually starting to _speak_.

“Hi, I’m Jake.”

If it had been possible, her body tensed even _more_ after hearing him say that.

“I got divorced last year,” he continued, those words alone were all that Gwen needed to find a sudden unmovable amount of concentration. She kept her gaze downcast as she listened attentively. “Might have been one of the hardest decisions that I ever had to make. Well, I shouldn’t say that, it was pretty clear that it was the only option, but pulling the trigger and actually going through with it was an entirely different story.” He paused. “The details aren’t super important really - my ex was unfaithful. But just feeling like I failed at something I put my entire life into was awful. There was nothing I could do to fix it, and I turned to alcohol when I shouldn’t have.”

Her lips pressed together as she closed her eyes, processing this information. 

“It was bad for a while. Nobody could convince me to do anything except drink and sleep. I didn’t have anyone in my life that understood what I was dealing with, and I didn’t know how to really get a handle on it for a while,” he sighed, as his mind processed the rest, careful in how he was going to continue. 

Hearing just the beginning remnants endeared her more to him. Hearing her struggles and sentiments projected by him in the first person almost made her dizzy. But as he continued, she realized the ache in the pit of her stomach was growing stronger.

“I guess one of the biggest regrets I had was someone I hurt along the way,” he continued. “But at the same time, she helped set me straight. And I don’t even think she knows that.”

Gwen felt her cheeks get hot.

“A friend of mine convinced me to take some time away and clear my head down at this place in San Diego he knew,” Blake continued. “I met this girl, just sitting at one of the beachside bars. She said she was in a similar situation, looking down the barrel of a possible divorce. We were both trying to find an escape.” He paused. “So we talked, hung out. Did a little more than _hanging out_ ,” he chuckled and shook his head, a few people in the room joining him as they nodded knowingly. “We stayed up most of the night talking. I didn’t know you could just meet someone like that and click.”

A weird form of guilt was coming back to Gwen in a strong way as she just continued to force her concentration on him fully.

“I remember when I woke up the next morning and she was next to me. The few minutes I watched her sleep - well, I panicked. Here’s this genuine, amazing woman and I mean - what would she have ever wanted with me? The _me_ that was sober and boring and feeling sorry for himself? She hadn’t met him yet, she had only met the one that was drinking and trying to have a good time.” He paused again. “But deep down I knew. I knew that my head wasn’t on straight, I knew it was wrong to bring someone down with me despite how much I had already strangely started to care about this woman. I convinced myself she was going to wake up and she was just going to regret me, and that wasn’t something I wanted to wait around to witness. Why would she want to be with someone so…I don’t know, desperate?” He sighed. “So I just left without a word.”

Blake paused briefly before continuing.

“Ironically, this woman ended up coming back into my life months later in a different way,” his tone was slightly timid as he admitted this. “I lied to her and told her I left because I thought it was what she wanted. But the truth was, I really hurt her, and the real reason I left was that I couldn’t stand the thought of dragging her down with me on the dark path that alcohol led me down. I couldn’t stand the thought of her getting mixed up in my bad days. I thought it was the best thing to do for her at the time, but I regret hurting her every day.” He exhaled. “I _knew_ it had the possibility of hurting her. I felt the connection we made, and I just tried to ignore it.” His hand ran back through his hair. “And what really sucks about all of this is that I didn’t really even have to worry about me being the one to drag her down. I’ve watched her drag herself down into a dark place all on her own.”

The room was silent. And Gwen was quietly holding back tears as she continued to stay slightly hunched over, using the shield from the baseball cap to help her face stay somewhat concealed. 

“So, I left San Diego and went home,” he continued. “Dropped my bags by the front door, didn’t even think about it as I grabbed a beer from the fridge. Took a seat on the couch and started to drink. I must have felt guilty, because I put the beer on the coffee table after a few sips and just stared at it for a long time. A few minutes later, I was pouring it down the sink.” He paused again. “And as dumb as all of this sounds over someone I only spent 12 hours with, there was something about me meeting this girl that completely changed me. The connection we had, the ease at talking with her. And it was the first time I felt I made the right decision to sign the divorce papers. It was the first time I felt like there was still something left out there for me to find. And I wasn’t going to get a chance at finding it if I continued to self-destruct.”

Gwen didn’t even realize the tears that were streaming down both of her cheeks at that point. The continued silence in the room was deafening in it’s own way. She missed the half-attempt at humor Blake threw out next trying to get someone else to start talking, and she no longer could concentrate on the words from others in the room. 

She hesitated, but gently pulled her hand out of his. She waited just a few moments, just long enough for everyone’s attention to be on another part of the room, and she slowly stood up, making a quiet exit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...still alive? How are we doing? I feel like I need to check in, haha!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who continually has encouraged me to write this story, and please let me know your reactions! ❤️


	11. You Can Read It On My Lips

She felt her stomach suddenly out of place as her feet carried her down the hall, her breathing labored and quick as she tried to hold herself together. She didn’t even see anyone else around, she couldn’t explain why she felt the need to hold everything in - to be honest, she didn’t even know what she was holding it. Her mind was reeling as she tried to cling onto any thoughts that might give a better indication, but as overwhelmed as she was, it was impossible. Maybe holding it in, whatever it was, became a force of habit over the years.

She was almost afraid of what might come out if she let it. 

The first inhale of the sea salt laced air had a different effect on her as soon as she realized she was outside. It was dark, much more so than when they had gone into the building some time ago. The parking lot was sprinkled with a handful of cars, but nobody in sight - it was eerily quiet and calm. The sound of waves crashing lightly on the coast was faint in the background, and though her feet had stopped suddenly for a few moments, they picked up again. She veered right, walking along the side of the building until she felt her hands gripping the railing at the far side where the sidewalk came to an end. 

Her eyes were forward, but she wasn’t even processing the view in front of her. An indescribable mix of emotions flooded her suddenly - guilt, loss, anger, shock - then even _empathy_. Sympathy. Panic.

Her hands squeezed the railing tighter as her eyes closed, forcing a few tears down her cheeks. 

She expected Blake to follow, it just seemed logical. But her mind was still jumping from place to place, and he seemed to appear and hover just a step behind her much quicker than she thought. His presence was felt and obvious as soon as he was near. They stood in silence for a few minutes; it seemed to be the only way to communicate that they could both handle at first.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Gwen surprised herself by speaking first, swallowing harshly as she wasn’t fully prepared to hear his response. Her eyes stayed straight ahead, as her voice went even lower. “You didn’t have to bring me here to tell me that.”

Blake chose his response carefully, unsure which way her reaction was going to swing. “Maybe I should have tried,” he responded gently, and dared to take a step forward to stand next to her before leaning on the railing to match her stance. His eyes also kept straight ahead. They were close - dangerously so, their hands a mere few inches from touching, but neither of them could even move. 

“I don’t know what the right answer would have been. But it was only very recently that I realized most of it,” he continued.

Her eyes closed briefly. “How recent?”

“Seeing you again forced me to think about it more,” he admitted. “Made me realize how much you really did have an effect on me.” 

“You stopped drinking…” Gwen started, her words faltering. “ _Because_ of me?”

Blake sighed, his gaze going to the ground.

“And you _started_ drinking because of _me_.”

Gwen’s head whipped suddenly to the side, looking at him, a look of shock on her face. She inhaled and whisked a few tears away from her cheeks.

“Look at me,” she prompted him. When he didn’t, she said it more forcefully. “Blake Shelton, _look at me_.”

Her eyes met an equally defeated and guilt-ridden man - the emotions that flashed across his face at first were overwhelming, and she couldn’t speak. 

“You are _not_ responsible for my problems,” her voice was strong and unwavering. “Is that why you’ve done all of this? Guilt?”

“I don’t know,” he responded honestly. “Gwen, I just…” he sighed, shaking his head. “The entire thing felt stupid. Hopeless, really. Who meets someone and spends twelve hours with them and thinks that one encounter like that could actually change your life?”

“I did,” her small voice responded as she cast her gaze back ahead. 

Blake’s attention went over to her, and he was dismayed that he couldn’t see her face anymore around the baseball cap on her head. She was swiping at her face and sniffling softly, enough of an indicator that she was getting more upset. He had to physically restrain himself from reaching out to comfort her, simply afraid he would spook her away. 

To his surprise, he watched as she tugged the hat off of her head and tucked it into her back pocket. It hit him in a certain way, like it was a small bit of progress, like she was trying to let a few of her internal walls down to let him see her. Gwen’s hands swiped at her face before her fingers ran through her hair, and her full body turned to face him this time. Her gaze was last, as that was the hardest to give to him.

“I had it all planned,” her voice nearly broke as she tried to explain. “I couldn’t sleep much, it was probably around three or four in the morning. You were sleeping.” She swallowed. “I went to San Diego to get away, I didn’t want to be recognized. I wanted to be someone else. But…” she sniffed and exhaled soon after. “But you really threw a wrench in that. I hadn’t ever felt like that before, and I thought you felt the same.”

“I _did_ feel the same,” Blake interjected, not able to hold himself back.

“It was the first good thing I felt in a long time and I had already messed it up. I lied about my name,” she continued. “So I started to think, tried to figure out how I was going to get around it.” She paused as she let her eyes close for a moment, his gaze overwhelming to her in those moments. “I was going to take you to breakfast. Out on the beach, in one of those private cabanas. I was going to tell you my name, who I was - _am_. I was going to try and explain and beg for your forgiveness and just honestly hope that maybe you could eventually understand, and that you knew my name was the only thing I lied about. Because everything I said to you that night was real. I didn’t lie about anything else.”

Blake lost all of his ability to hold himself back any longer and his arms were securely around her before she could even take another breath. She melted into his embrace easily, tugging her arms up slightly to move around his waist as she let her head easily lean against his chest. 

“And then you were gone,” she whispered. “And I didn’t know why - so I blamed myself. I must have done something wrong. I must have been the stupid one. And I never wanted to feel like that again.”

He was at a loss for words, and simply tugged his arms tighter around her in an attempt to let her know that he was listening, he was processing what she was saying. His mouth was slightly agape as he felt the need to try and respond but the words simply were not coming to him. 

“I was angry at you because you had so much power over me,” she whispered a few moments later. “I tried hating you. Look where that got me.”

“Come ‘ere,” Blake said softly, moving around her and taking a seat on the bench just behind them. He had a hold of her hand and she let him lead her again, and he pulled her down to sit on his leg. She sniffed as her fingers were whisking away stray tears as his hand gently caressed her back.

“Are you going to get mad at me if I say I could really use a drink right now?” she whispered. “Is that too soon to joke about?”

He chuckled lowly and shook his head once, his hand gently massaging at the base of her neck. “They have meetings for that, you know.”

A small, amused smile came to her lips as she chuckled along with him through the tears. “Maybe I’ll go to one with _Jake_ sometime.” She exhaled, letting her eyes close briefly as he continued the light massage on her neck. “I have to admit, I like _Blake_ more, though.”

The smile that lit up Blake’s face was overwhelmingly bright immediately following that sentiment, it could have knocked someone out if he wasn’t careful with it. 

“I didn’t know how bad it was - what you were going through,” she sighed, as her arms held tighter around her own waist. “You were so…I don’t know, _calm_. Level-headed, put-together…” she shook her head. “You were so neutral about it, it even made me feel like something was wrong with me that I couldn’t be like that.”

“Nothing is wrong with you, sweet girl,” his eyes went up to her as his hand continued to work her neck. He watched her brushing a few more tears away as her gaze was in her lap. “This shit is messy, Gwen.” He paused. “And trust me, I was the furthest thing from _level-headed_ …”

Her tone returned to normal before she spoke up again moments later. “Why didn’t you give up on me?” she asked timidly. “I know you went through something similar, but I don’t understand why you put up with it. I wasn’t exactly _nice_.”

“I wasn’t lying when I told you the girl on the beach…”

“…yeah yeah, she’s _worth waiting for_ ,” Gwen interrupted him mid-sentence. “I’ve heard that line, Shelton. What I don’t understand is _why_.”

“Because I fell for you,” he admitted boldly, which got her attention and her eyes directly on his. He exhaled before he continued. “When you fall for someone, _really_ fall for someone, I think you work harder for them.”

“Middle aged woman with a kid on the verge of divorce,” she responded, a bit guarded. “Yeah, that’s the total package right there.”

“Vibrant,” he responded. “Caring. Lovable. Endearing. Innocent. But also, _not_ so innocent. Gorgeous…”

“… _stop_ ,” her voice broke as she felt her cheeks flush pink. Unable to hold his gaze any longer, she looked away. 

“It’s how I see you,” he replied simply. “All of those things were evident from the moment I met you.”

“ _And yet you wouldn’t even kiss me back_ ,” she commented neutrally. 

He blinked a few times, not even sure how to respond. His mouth was open and he was stuttering to get the words out, _any_ words.

“I’m not asking, if that’s what you’re afraid of,” she continued. “At this point it would just be a pity kiss. You can keep your pity kisses; I don’t want any kind, actually.”

“You don’t want me to kiss you?” He managed. “At all?”

Her eyes went to his. “Nope,” she responded. “I’m over it.”

He tilted his head slightly before abruptly tugging her body close to him. The abrupt nature of the pull caused her to catch a small gasp in the back of her throat, her attention going to him undivided and immediately. Her hand had landed against his chest; their eyes searched one another in the silence. The anticipation was mounting - of what, she wasn’t sure, but it was suddenly harder to breathe.

“ _Are you really_ ,” he mumbled rhetorically, his eyes scanning hers, briefly looking to her lips, then back up. His eyebrow raised slightly in curiosity. 

She felt her internal panic begin to rise. She knew she had called him out, and he was calling her bluff. She didn’t know if she had the strength to see this one through, she didn’t actually think he _would_. Her body tensed and froze as her gaze faltered. 

He moved forward slowly. Blake’s lips grazed her cheek, gently and sweetly placing a kiss there. It was only then that she felt like she was breathing again - as soon as his lips broke contact from against her skin. Her eyes went back up to his hesitantly. 

“Yeah, really seems like you’re _over it_ ,” he teased lightheartedly, poking her side gently as the corner of his mouth drew up into a grin. 

Her face scrunched a bit as her brows furrowed.

“ _Shut up_ ,” her voice pitched higher, defensively. She swallowed as her cheeks felt hot again and Blake started to chuckle. He got the sense she might try to pull away, and his arms pulled her in close before she had the chance to think about it. 

“That was _mean_ ,” she groaned, allowing herself to lean into his embrace. 

He couldn’t help himself as he chuckled again. “Yeah, you _hated_ that.”

“ _Blake!_ ” she whined, which only made him laugh harder. 

“You’re cute when you’re embarrassed.”

 _That_ embarrassed her even more, causing her to turn and bury her head into him. 

“I hate you so much right now,” she mumbled, her definition of the word “hate” obviously no aligning with her current stance. The silence fell between them as he gently caressed her arm, her mind temporarily getting lost as she focused on his movements. 

“Mmm…” her face tensed briefly and she softly groaned, cuddling up to him a bit more.

“You alright?” He asked, not missing a beat as he continued to hold her, caressing her arm. 

“Just felt a little dizzy,” she admitted softly. “Which is weird, I’m not even standing.”

“You’ve had a long day,” he responded. “You haven’t eaten much either. What are you in the mood for?”

“You have an odd fixation with wanting to feed me,” she whispered, which caused Blake to laugh. 

“I think of it more as wanting to _take care of you_ ,” he responded. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“No,” she admitted. “It’s sweet.” 

She pondered in silence for a few minutes before she peered up to him once more. 

“Any chance of you taking me to get more mozzarella sticks, cowboy?”

He laughed at her request, knowing he wasn’t about to deny it for any reason.

“Only if you promise to eat them in the truck,” he said with a nudge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who is still with me on this adventure. Please let me know what you think ❤️


	12. Like The City Lights When You're By My Side

Normally, she would have been too shy to speak up.

She had spent years as the girl that wasn’t able to say what she really wanted, for fear of rocking the boat. Things had been different with Blake, even dating all the way back to the night they met. There was this ease about him, this trust that made her feel that anything she told him would stay in confidence. And for the first time, it felt like all of the baggage - all of the unspoken words, indescribable feelings, uncertain looks - it was all stripped away, and they were all that was left. 

Gwen didn’t hesitate to ask Blake to stay with her that night in the guest room. There was this reassuring comfort and warmth that his company brought her, she finally let go and let herself crave it again. It wasn’t even in a sexual way; though she admitted to herself she wanted _that_ in the worst way possible. But it was something more entirely, something she knew in the back of her mind would be impossible to let go of as soon as she let herself enjoy it too much. 

When her eyes opened the next morning, her eyebrow raised as they fell on the small nightstand in front of her. She gently shifted into an upright position, perched on her elbow as she read a post-it note attached to a small bottled water.

_Drink Me_

Her eyes moved to the small napkin next to it with a few Advil capsules laid out for her to take. The simplicity yet extreme thoughtfulness of these little things he did for her were staggering. 

Gwen glanced behind her and saw Blake sleeping soundly, just out of immediate reach. She caught herself staring after a few moments and turned her attention back to the nightstand. She easily took the pills in her hand and sipped on the water bottle to wash them down. 

She discreetly slipped out of the bed, letting Blake sleep as she pulled an oversized sweatshirt over her head and made her way out of the room without a sound. 

——

The piercing blare of the smoke alarm jolted him awake.

His arm shot out across the bed, subconsciously looking for Gwen but coming up empty. Blake was on his feet a half second later, shooting out of the bedroom and into the hallway. 

He heard coughing coming from the kitchen, and he didn’t even have to think about it before he was rushing that way. As he got closer, he got a strong whiff of steam and smoke. He turned the corner and his eyes fell on Gwen. She was coughing and shielding her face into the sweatshirt she was wearing, her other hand holding out a frying pan as far away from herself as she could manage, something obviously burnt stuck on the inside. 

Blake came up beside her, taking the handle out of her hand and dropping it abruptly into the sink, turning the water on immediately. He half jogged to the other side of the room, opening the back door and propping it open to allow the air to flow inside. As he turned back around, he bumped into Gwen as she was still coughing, trying to step outside. He shifted and followed her lead.

Though the high pierced alarm was still dominating his senses, being outside brought some relief. He looked over at Gwen cradling her hand like it was injured.

“What happened?” He asked loudly, trying to be heard over the alarm.

“I’m sorry!” Gwen responded at a similar tone, looking more defeated than anything else. “It was an accident!”

The alarm blared for another few moments and abruptly ended, bringing both of them much needed relief. They both sighed as their bodies visibly relaxed. Blake took a few steps over to Gwen, closing the gap.

“What did you do?” He asked.

“I fucked up,” she answered nervously. 

Blake did a double take between her and the kitchen, and shook his head.

“No, I literally don’t give a damn about the kitchen. I meant what did you do to your hand?”

He reached for it and she gave it to him, letting him examine it. The inside of her hand was dark red, and his hand came to the small of her back to encourage her forward immediately. 

“We need to run that under cold water, come on,” he began to walk, and she listened and followed without a word. Blake turned the water on the coldest setting at the kitchen sink, Gwen groaning and flinching as soon as he held her hand under the stream. “Did you get hurt anywhere else?”

“No,” she responded with a sigh. She grimaced as the water continued to hit her skin, and she timidly looked up to him. “Blake, I am _so_ sorry…”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, darling,” he responded warmly, his arm going around her in a reassuring way. “I’m sorry you burned your hand. It looks minor though, won’t be too much of a pain in the ass for you.” 

Blake glanced to the other side of the sink that had the discarded and burnt pan in it. “What was that supposed to be?”

“A pancake?”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Maybe you should leave the cooking to me for a while,” he suggested. “Or at least let me help?”

“I wanted to make you breakfast,” she whispered quietly. “Defeats the purpose of a surprise if I asked you to help.”

He squeezed her into a side hug, placing a kiss on the top of her head.

“That’s really sweet of you,” he said softly. 

“If I let you cook, will you call Pharrell?” She felt bad and embarrassed, and one of the only coping mechanisms she could latch onto was to change the subject. 

“If you’re up for it,” he responded. 

“Do you think he’s mad at me?”

“I think he’s been worried about you,” he squeezed her arm lightly. “There’s a big difference.”

She sighed, before continuing with her other burning question. 

“Do you think it will go okay?” she swallowed. 

“I do,” he said, and then paused for a moment. “You can’t hide forever. And besides, it’s only been a few days, but you’ve changed. _Radically_. He’s going to see that.” He hesitated to bring up the next suggestion. “Are you sure you want me to call him?”

“Yeah, I really need to see Apollo,” she immediately responded with a nod. 

“Okay,” he agreed. “There's some aloe and gauze in the bathroom cabinet. Why don't you go bandage up, I'll take care of this and get started on breakfast, okay?" He paused. "Think you can manage a pot of coffee for us when you get back?” He nudged her and offered a small grin, wanting to give her something to focus on helping with.

She nodded. “Yeah, okay," she said softly. "Won’t burn it. Promise.”

——

Gwen nearly jumped off the couch when the doorbell rang. 

She looked nervously to Blake, who was sitting beside her. After Pharrell had confirmed he would swing by later in the day with Apollo, it was all she could do - sit and worry. She was anxiously anticipating what Pharrell was going to be like, just as a few short days ago he was the most angry that she’d ever seen him.

Blake glanced over to her. “Do you want me to?”

Gwen nodded, leaning her arms up on the back of the couch as Blake stood and walked around it, heading for the front door. “I thought you said he wouldn’t be here for another hour?”

“I don’t know,” Blake responded. “Maybe he just got done early.” He took the few remaining steps to the front door, and his hand pulled it open a moment later. Though Gwen could only see him from behind, she furrowed her brow as Blake seemed to stiffen up straight, taken aback.

“How in the actual _hell_ …” she heard Blake’s words laced in anger. She got worried and scrambled to her feet, making her way up to the front door. Her eyes fell on Dean, and her jaw dropped open.

Blake looked down to Gwen at his side questioningly. “Did you _call him_?”

“No!” She squeaked out almost immediately. “I don’t even know where I am! I…” she took a shaky breath in.

“Trust me, if I had known she was ignoring my calls and texts to hide out with _you_ , I probably wouldn’t have just knocked on the front door.”

“Dean, what the _hell_?” She managed.

“Yeah, you _look_ like hell…”

“Hey!” Blake snapped. “I’ve been patient with you standing on my doorstep for this long and not punching the crap out of you again. The least you could do is not be a fucking asshole to her.”

“How the hell did you even know I was here?” Gwen managed. “How did you even know where _here_ was??”

“You’re not turning this around on me,” Dean’s words were filling with anger. “You’re the one that disappears off the face of the planet after acting like some whiny bitch. You don’t return my calls, my texts, you haven’t been to your place in _days_. What am I supposed to think?”

Blake desperately wanted to do one of two things - hit this guy again, or get the hell out of this conversation. But there was something about Dean’s unhinged nature that wouldn’t let Blake leave her alone with him - especially not after everything she had been through lately. 

“Answer my question,” she demanded boldly. Truth be told, she was only feeling so brave knowing that Blake was nearby, and he wouldn’t let anything happen to her. “How the hell did you find me?”

“Gwen, it’s the twenty first century, we have these things called _phone trackers_.”

She was stunned for a moment, not even mentally able to locate where her phone was in those moments. She hadn’t touched it much in the time she had been at Blake’s. Her best guess was that it was somewhere on the nightstand back in her room.

“You put a tracker on my phone?” Her voice pitched higher in disbelief, and Blake just chuckled to himself. It was a dangerous chuckle, one that seemed to be only moments away from another hit. 

“Look. I don’t know what the fuck is going on right now or why you’re here,” Dean responded, ignoring both of them. “But I came here to get you and take you home. Where you belong.”

“She’s not going anywhere with you,” Blake laughed in disbelief and shook his head. 

Dean reached forward suddenly and grabbed Gwen’s arm, jerking her outside and onto the porch.

“You don’t exactly get to tell me what to do,” he responded, his grip tightening on her. 

“ _I’m not_ ,” she suddenly spoke up strongly. “I’m not going anywhere with you. Take a hint. I’ve been ignoring you for a reason.”

His grip tightened which caused her to wince, but she tried to keep her reaction as neutral as possible.

“These people don’t fucking care about you,” his tone was lower, but full of frustration. “These people don’t know what you want.” His eyes narrowed. “I do. We’re going to Rita’s tonight.”

Blake had had enough of this - his arm went forward and grabbed around Gwen’s chest to hold her against him, and his other hand gripped and twisted Dean’s wrist until he groaned in pain and was forced to let go of her. 

“This conversation is over,” Blake practically barked at him. “If you leave right now, I won’t bloody up your face again. And you’re going to stay the fuck away from her, because you are goddamn poison and I swear to god I will make you _wish_ you were dead if you even come within a mile of her…” His body was tensing. “Get. The. Fuck. Off. My. Property.”

And with that, he pulled Gwen inside, closing and locking the door behind them. He stood and watched out the side glass panel to make sure Dean was at least starting to walk back to his car. 

“I swear I didn’t call him,” Gwen’s voice was soft and even a little broken, her gaze lazily in front of her and not focused on anything in particular. “You can look at the calls and texts on my phone, I didn’t — “

“It’s alright,” he said, glancing over to her briefly as he continued to look out the glass window. His arm reached out and pulled her into a side hug, not moving his attention fully to her until he confirmed Dean was driving out of his drive way. His hand rubbed her back softly, as she seemed a little shaken up. 

To his surprise, she pulled away, her footsteps quick as she went to the guest room. He followed, but a moment later she emerged with her phone in her hand, her attention and intention set on the kitchen. His eyes watched as she flicked the switch on the opposite counter for the garbage disposal, and a second later she was hovering over the sink, phone in hand.

“Whoaaaaaa,” he left forward and grabbed her wrist. “What are you doing??”

“He tracked my phone, I just want it to stop,” she responded, looking up to him. “I don’t know how the hell he managed to do that but it’s scary as hell to even just think about it.”

He took the phone from her hand and released her wrist. “Okay first, I hear you. But throwing a phone in a garbage disposal sounds like a great way to cause a small explosion,” he exhaled. “Second, I will look at your phone and we’ll fix it. There is no reason to destroy it. And if I can’t figure it out, we’ll just turn it off and get someone who can. He can’t track it if it’s turned off.”

She exhaled and nodded, relenting easily. “Ok. Can you just make it stop?”

He looked down to the phone in his hands. A few swipes and taps later, he looked up to her. “I turned data and wifi off. Do you want me to go through it to find the tracker?”

She nodded. “Please,” she responded softly. 

His gaze fell on her for a moment, and instead of looking back to the phone, he gently placed it on the counter. His arms went around her, holding her against him.

“I’m _fine_ ,” she whispered, even though she allowed her head to lean against him. 

“I feel your heart racing still,” he mumbled into her hair.

“Okay, he scared me,” she admitted. “But he’s gone now. Did you think I was going to just go to him with Rita’s on a whim like that?”

“Rita’s?”

“It’s the bar we went to all the time.”

“Oh,” Blake responded, and sighed, taking a few minutes to think. “Did I think you were going to go with him?” He repeated as he contemplated his answer. “I would _hope_ not, but Gwen, I don’t know, I feel like it would have been _tempting_ , at least.”

She sighed, and turned her gaze up to him a moment later.

“Come here,” she almost whispered, reaching her hand down for his. She took it, and led him over to sit on the couch with her. Her other hand took his, and she squeezed them both as she held them right in the middle of them. 

“Do you remember what you said to me in your trailer?” She asked, her attention on their interlaced hands instead of his gaze. “You said I deserved better than him. You said that real men don’t treat women like that. And at the time I tried to ignore it because it felt like what I deserved, after _everything_ …” her words trailed off. “And I’m not saying that I deserve _you_ , but we aren’t even dating and the way you treat me is just so _different_.” She sighed. “I don’t even know what I’m trying to say, really.” She paused again. “I’m sorry he came here. But thank you for getting rid of him. Because I don’t want _that_ anymore.” 

Just when she thought she was done, she kept going.

“And Apollo is going to be here soon. That’s _really_ not something I _ever_ want him to see.”

He let the silence take over for a few moments before he felt brave enough to try and lighten the mood.

“Did you ever get that rabies vaccine?”

For the first time her gaze went up to him as she chuckled. 

“Maybe I should have,” she relented. 

The doorbell rang again, and the two of them locked eyes - partially in hesitation. 

“I’m sure it’s Pharrell this time,” Blake assured her, even though he didn’t seem too convinced. "He's probably just a little early..."

She nodded, and glanced down the hallway briefly before her eyes went back to him.

“Come with me?” She asked.

“Of course,” he agreed, and they both stood and made their way to the door. Blake put his hand out to hold Gwen back for a moment as he checked the peephole, confirming it was Pharrell before he nodded for her to open the door.

She pulled it back tentatively, peering around the door as they both came into view, Blake very close behind her. Before she could feel intimidated by seeing Pharrell again, a little toddler had his arms wrapped around Gwen’s legs as he squealed. 

“Mama!” Apollo’s voice pitched high, the excitement obvious on his face. Gwen’s entire face lit up in a second as she gently lowered to her knees, taking him into a full hug.

“Baby boy,” she breathed. “I missed you so much, little one.” She pulled back and let her hands run through his hair. He giggled and handed a piece of paper to her. She grinned and took it from him, her eyes falling upon various colored scribbles on the page. “Is this for me??”

He nodded proudly.

“I think it’s the best dinosaur you’ve ever drawn,” she encouraged him. “Wanna go put it on Blakey’s fridge with me?”

Blake looked down at the drawing, the scribbles looking nothing like a dinosaur, and wondered how she had managed to make the right guess.

Apollo suddenly took off into the house, causing Gwen to laugh and scramble to her feet to go after him. She only very quickly glanced to Pharrell, and at least for now, it was easier for her to pretend she was busy with Apollo instead of having to face him. 

Blake and Pharrell stood at the door as they watched Gwen and Apollo take off into the house.

“Hello to you, too,” Pharrell mumbled bitterly, and sighed. 

Blake looked over to him. “Cut her a little slack,” he said softly. “She’s literally terrified to see you right now. Let alone talk to you.”

“I’m still not sure this was a great idea,” Pharrell admitted. 

“It’ll be fine,” Blake encouraged him. “I wouldn’t have called you if I didn’t think she could handle it.”

Pharrell’s gaze went to Blake. “How has she been?”

“You’ll have to talk to her and see for yourself,” Blake responded, stepping aside to allow him to enter the house. He closed the door behind them, and they both made their way down the hall towards the living room. 

Once there, they saw Gwen already on the ground with Apollo, carefully helping him go through the toys he had brought over in his tiny backpack. Blake took a seat on the couch next to where Gwen’s back was leaning against it, and Pharrell took a seat in an adjacent chair. 

“Are you guys hungry? Should I start on dinner soon?” Blake asked. 

“Apollo didn’t eat much today, he’s probably hungry,” Pharrell responded.

Gwen’s eyes went to Pharrell’s swiftly. “Why didn’t he eat much today?”

“Sometimes toddlers don’t eat, Gwen, and there’s not really a reason for it,” Pharrell responded, deadpan. 

“Will you two cut it out?” Blake said lowly, looking between the two of them.

Apollo walked over to Blake with a grin, holding up two dinosaur figures for him to look at. A soft smile came across Blake’s face immediately as he leaned forward to take one from him.

“I heard that you like dinosaurs,” Blake began. “This one is really cool. Does he have a name?”

“Dinosaur!” Apollo exclaimed, and Blake laughed.

“What about this one?”

“Dinosaur!” He said again, with a giggle. 

“You know that’s smart, naming them all Dinosaur, you’ll never forget their names.”

“He names all of the other animals in the animal kingdom that, too,” Gwen joked. “Actually, he’ll probably call you _Dinosaur_ ,”

“I mean, I know I’m old, but that’s a little much, don’t you think?”

Their eyes rested on each others, small smiles across their faces before Gwen broke contact and looked back to Apollo. Pharrell looked between the two of them, curiously watching their exchange. Gwen reached into his small backpack and pulled out the empty sippy cup she had spotted earlier, and stood up a moment later. 

“I’m going to get him some apple juice,” she announced, soon turning to leave the room. 

Blake nudged Pharrell. “Go talk to her,” he whispered.

“She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Blake responded. “I’ll keep an eye on Apollo. This is ridiculous, you are her oldest friend and you two won’t even look at each other. _Go._ ”

Pharrell sighed and rolled his eyes, standing up and making his way towards the kitchen. Blake sank to the floor next to Apollo and continued asking questions about his toys to keep him occupied. 

Pharrell stopped and hovered in the doorway to the kitchen, seeing Gwen turned away from him and pouring apple juice into Apollo’s cup. Only when she set it on the counter did he speak up.

“Hey,” he said, the only thing he could think of to start a conversation. 

She jumped a little and looked over her shoulder briefly, her eyes and attention going back to the cup in front of her. “Hey,” she said in return. 

“Can we talk?” he asked. 

She didn’t respond at first, and simply put the lid back on the cup. Her hands came to rest on the counter when she was done, and she let out a long exhale. 

“I don’t know what to say to you,” she admitted. He came up and stood next to her, catching her side profile as she still would not look him in the eye.

“Can you listen, then?” He asked.

She swallowed. “Yeah.”

He sighed. “I hope that someday you will realize…” his words trailed off as he tried to compose the rest of his thought. “I know you hate me right now, and that’s okay. But all of this, _everything_ I’ve done…Gwen, it’s because I _love_ you.”

“I don’t hate you,” her small voice admitted, her eyes not moving from the counter in front of her. “I couldn’t hate you. It’s not possible.” She paused, hesitating on the next breath. “Even if you did shove me in a shower.”

“I was _frustrated_ ,” Pharrell sighed heavily. “I just, I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t know how to get through to you and nothing was working. You’ve been scaring the shit out of me lately, Gwen, and I don’t want to just stand by and watch you destroy yourself.”

She hesitated with her response. “I didn’t say I blamed you for it,” she said lowly. She exhaled and shrugged her shoulders gently. “Being here has been good for me.”

Pharrell blinked twice. “Really?” He sounded surprised - he didn’t think that would be something she would come to such a quick realization over. 

“Not easy,” she clarified. “ _Blake_ has been good for me.”

“You two seem chummy,” Pharrell commented neutrally. 

“We have a lot in common,” she shrugged once. “You knew that, though. It’s why you sent me here.”

Pharrell nodded once, his gaze falling to his hands.

“ _Thank you_ for sending me here,” she whispered to him, her eyes glancing over to him, but not up to his face.

“I…” Pharrell hesitated, trying to find the words. He tried, but failed a few times to speak before Gwen spoke again.

“You don’t have to say anything,” she assured him. 

Pharrell tentatively reached out, his arm hooking around her opposite shoulder.

“ _Damnit_ ,” Gwen whispered as she let him move her, let him pull her into a hug just as her eyes started to water. Her arms went around him and gripped him tightly as she shut her eyes. It lasted minutes, she wasn’t keeping track, and the only thing that caused them to pull apart was a sudden clapping noise that came from the nearby door frame. Gwen glanced over, seeing Apollo in Blake’s arms, who was clapping his toy dinosaur against the wall with a grin.

“That was _terrible_ timing, I see,” Blake said sheepishly. “Do you need us to…?”

“No, it’s fine,” she shook her head, and turned back to the counter to pick up the sippy cup. She walked it over and handed it to Apollo, who traded his dinosaur for the cup eagerly. Apollo then leaned forward, free falling out of Blake’s arms and knowing that Gwen would catch him - and she did. A small smile went to her face as soon as she adjusted him into her arms. 

Blake made his way around the two of them and walked towards the freezer. “I have something extra special for the little one,” he announced, and soon he was pulling out a box of dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets from the freezer to show to Apollo. He immediately jumped in excitement, almost causing Gwen to lose her balance. She gripped him tighter with one arm as her other reached out and grabbed the edge of the kitchen island to steady herself. 

On instinct, Pharrell lunged forward and grabbed Apollo from Gwen’s arms, and Blake lunged forward and grabbed Gwen. 

“I just got dizzy again, that’s all,” she managed, and sighed as Blake helped her to sit up on one of the high chairs at the island. “I’m fine, I swear,” she spoke again. _God damnit, please don’t leave._

“Just indulge us and sit here for a few minutes,” Blake said, his arm now around her back as she leaned against him. She let her eyes close for a few minutes, but when she opened them again, they were resting on Pharrell. 

“Please stay for dinner,” she practically begged. “I’m _fine_. I _miss him_.”

Pharrell looked to Blake, trying to gauge how he felt about the situation. Blake squeezed her from the side a little more before he spoke.

“Just take it easy, okay?” Blake suggested. 

“I will,” she promised, looking between the two of them. Pharrell came around the kitchen island and took a seat next to Gwen, and set Apollo up to sit on the counter between them.

Blake delicately placed a kiss on the top of her head without realizing it and released her, walking around the kitchen island to preheat the oven. It was only when Pharrell’s eyebrow was raised and he was staring at Gwen for an explanation did she realize that might have been _news_ to him. 

“ _Chummy indeed_ ,” Pharrell commented, not so neutrally this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! ❤️ Thank you!


	13. You Work It Hard, Boy You're Hustlin' Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't sleep, so what happens? You get a new chapter a bit earlier than I planned ❤️

It had only been two weeks since she had been back to her small guesthouse at Pharrell’s, but it felt like another lifetime. 

Almost everything had been exactly where she had left it; but in other ways, it felt different. The empty alcohol bottles she remembered leaving on the the coffee table were gone. There was a faint lemon scent lingering in the air, almost as if someone had recently deep cleaned the entire place. The kitchen was immaculate, and her bed was made - and freshly laundered, it seemed. 

Gwen took a seat on the couch, pulling the blanket up and around herself as she glanced at the clock. She was expecting Blake soon, he had promised to meet her there but he had called to let her know he was running late. It was a weird feeling, she didn’t quite know what to do with herself. The quiet was almost painful, knowing Apollo was still with Gavin and the Williams clan was still out and about. 

She clicked the remote to distract herself, mindlessly flipping through the channels as she waited for Blake to arrive.

———

Blake felt terrible - he was never the type to be late, especially not this _royally_ so. 

He glanced at the clock in his truck as he threw it into park, noting he was about 45 minutes late from the time he promised to meet Gwen back at the guesthouse. His feet carried him quickly to the front door; he paused as he looked through the side glass panel for a moment, seeing Gwen on the couch, before letting himself inside. 

“Traffic was a _bitch_ ,” he sighed, closing the door behind him. “I’m so sorry I’m late.”

He walked forward towards her, and she shifted slightly into a more upright position and immediately paused the TV.

“Hey, it’s fine,” she said softly, her hand moving discreetly to her face. But she didn’t make a move to stand, nor even face him, which he felt was weird. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, moving around the couch to get closer to her. Blake took a seat, his hand reaching out to rest on her leg. 

The touch startled her and her gaze went to look at his hand without her realizing it, and soon giving her away. 

“I’m sorry,” she exhaled, her fingers swiping at her tears.

“Talk to me,” he encouraged her, and she soon sat up straight and crossed her legs on top of the couch. “Did something happen?”

“No, I didn’t,” she managed. His brow furrowed at her choice of words. She hesitated and pulled a flask out from under the pillow she was leaning on and handed it to him. “I wanted to, it was the first opportunity I had in two weeks, but I didn’t.”

“Good,” he responded gently, offering a small smile as he took the flask from her. He tucked it behind him, keeping his attention on her. “Then why the tears, sweet girl?”

She swallowed and picked up the remote again, rewinding a handful of seconds before pausing it again. She exhaled as she hit play, her eyes only going up to lock on the TV screen. 

As soon as the scene began to play again, she had to close her eyes. Blake’s attention locked onto the screen immediately.

__

_“So Gavin tell us, when do you plan to marry her?”_

_Gavin chuckled in that oddly amused fashion he normally did, and the camera panned to a young blonde in the front row of a live studio audience that was laughing along with the crowd, holding Apollo on one hip. The screen split in two, showing Gavin on one side, and the woman in the audience on the other as the talk show host continued._

_When the host didn't get a response, he spoke up again. “Come on, she’s gorgeous!” he egged Gavin on, and everyone was laughing along._

_“Oh, good things come to those that wait,” Gavin responded with a grin, and he glanced forward, obviously over to the blonde. As Gavin replied, his British accent seemed to grow more pretentious by every word out of his mouth._

_“What about Gwen? How have you two been co-parenting?”_

_“Well to be honest, Apollo has been mostly with us the last few weeks,” Gavin responded. “He’s getting close to that beautiful lady of mine over there. And you know, Gwen can be a little….eh…. _unpredictable_ sometimes.”_

_“Unpredictable?” The word was of obvious interest to the interviewer. The audience seemed to quiet suddenly._

_“Part of it I get, she’s a single mother now,” Gavin clarified. “But, most of it I don’t.” He paused, looking out to the crowd. "I'm just being honest, now..." he added._

_“Sounds like something’s going on under the surface…”_

_“I just think she’s a little… _mature_ …to be going out to bars all the time,” Gavin said nonchalantly. “She can do whatever she wants, but just saying, she’s going a little wild. At least the tabloids seem to be getting a lot of content from her.”_

_The interviewer blinked once, as if to recover from receiving that answer. “Are you saying that you’ll be going after full custody of Apollo?”_

_“I think that’d be great, once the divorce is final. I only want what’s best for him, and for him to grow up in a stable family. I’m not sure if he understands yet when we tell him about the babies…”_

_“What a minute, babies? As in plural?”_

_Gavin grinned, satisfied that the interviewer caught onto that. The energy of the interview seemed to shift in his favor again. “That’s the great news actually, we just found out…I’m happy to say we’re having twins!”_

_The studio audience erupted in applause, as did the talk show host, and Gavin was just relishing in the attention. His eyes were forward, presumably locked onto the blonde as he was staring at her like a trophy to show off. The camera panned to both her and Apollo, with Apollo’s arms up in the air cheering and a big smile on his face._

_“That’s incredible, congratulations to both of you!”_

_“It’s going to get a lot louder around the Rossdale house,” Gavin commented. “But we’re so excited to have a home and make a family between the five of us.”_

__

She almost didn’t realize it was over and they suddenly shifted back to talk about the single Gavin was promoting, the scene on the TV showing Gavin hopping up from the chair to walk over to the stage to perform right before she hit pause.

Silence fell next between the two of them. Gwen’s was a defeated silence, while Blake just didn’t understand how someone could treat another human being the way Gavin treated Gwen. 

“So I was just sitting here, watching this, _rewatching_ this, trying to think…trying to come up with an answer to this burning question I suddenly have,” she inhaled sharply. “If I’ve already lost Apollo, what the _fuck_ do I even have to live for anymore? Why am I wasting so much _energy_ doing all of this? It’s so fucking exhausting, Blake.”

He reached forward and took the remote out from under her hand, aiming it at the TV to turn it off completely. Blake set the remote down on the coffee table, his eyes going back to her. 

“You haven’t lost anything,” he said strongly. “You only lose him if you give up now.”

“Not even the worst hangover has made me feel as sick as I do when I see her with Apollo,” it visibly hurt to watch her utter those words. She exhaled heavily and buried her face in her hands, trying not to completely lose all of her composure. 

Blake reached his hand over and rested it on her back, rubbing it softly as he tried to find the words to say to her. This was completely new territory for him, and it hurt and sucked so badly that he didn’t know what he could make of it. 

“He’s going to file for full custody,” she could barely say the words audibly, moments later. “And he’s going to marry that bimbo and they’re going to live in the house that I decorated and they’re going to show the judge what a picture perfect family they are….and I’m just the girl that lives alone in Pharrell’s guest house.” She sniffled. “The one that’s apparently too _old_ to go to a bar, the one they’re going to paint as a villain and irresponsible. But I only made one mistake, and I fixed it, and he shouldn’t have found out about it…”

“Shhh…” he tried to comfort her, feeling like she was starting to get too worked up. “Gwen, look at me,” Blake beckoned her. When she didn’t move - her gaze was frozen straight ahead, almost like she was in a trance - he shifted and went to his knees on the ground in front of her, his hands on both of her shoulders as he invaded her space - forcing her to look at him. “Stop letting that piece of trash ruin your life,” his words had a hint of anger in them suddenly, that was a bit jarring and got her attention. “He’s a dick. And you’re not going to lose custody. You need to keep your head in the game right now. You have _so_ much to live for.”

Gwen’s gaze went from his eyes to her lap as she tried to process what he was saying.

“You didn’t drink today,” he reminded her delicately. “I know you must have wanted to. That just shows me how strong you are.”

She simply shrugged as she continued to silently cry, not completely convinced that any of this was going to turn out alright. Blake’s thumbs went under her eyes to whisk a few years away. 

“Damnit, Gwen, if it honestly comes down to it, you’re going to move in with me,” he said boldly, and unexpectedly. It took Gwen a moment to realize the meaning of the words he was saying, her eyes widened as her attention went to him undivided. Her mouth was open, faint attempts at forming words trying to come out, but she couldn't manage it. “Yeah, you heard me. You and Apollo are going to move in. If a judge wants a stable, happy home - we’re going to show them a stable and happy home. The three of us.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Come on, it’s not the craziest idea in the world,” Blake responded easily. “And you’ve lived there for the last two weeks, what's the difference in it being an extended stay?" He paused. "Plus, I love Pollo, he’s a cool little dude and is totally welcome. And maybe it would be good for you.”

“Blake,” she managed, her eyes darting around as fast as her brain was trying to work to wrap her head around anything coming out of his mouth in those moments. “Apollo visiting for dinner for a few hours and…and _living_ somewhere are two completely different things. I…” She lost her train of thought. “You are single, childless, and unattached. Why the _hell_ would you sign up for something like that?”

His eyebrow raised. “Am I _really_ single?” he asked her curiously. 

Gwen tried to stutter out a response, but he completely threw her off again and she couldn’t even manage a word. Blake instead tapped the side of her leg, indicating for her to shift over.

“Let me tell you a story,” he said, rising to his feet. He moved her gently on the couch, making room for himself to sit where she had been, then pulling her into his arms to hold her. She allowed him to shift her easily, her body turning into him as soon as he settled, her cheek against his chest.

He stroked through her hair gently as he continued. “Right after I signed my divorce papers, Miranda was furious,” he continued. “She was crazy, she actually went off the deep end. She was the one who cheated and blew everything up, and yet she was trying to put the blame on me. Tried saying I wasn’t attentive enough to her, I didn’t try hard enough, I didn’t show her enough love - whatever, you name it, she said it.”

He sighed, before continuing. 

“She then told the press in the middle of an album promo she was doing that she was pregnant, and I was the father.”

Gwen’s jaw nearly dropped, as she drew her attention up to look at Blake. 

“Oh, it was a mess,” he continued with an annoyed chuckle and a shake of his head. “Spun this whole story about how I knew about the pregnancy and I was still leaving her, tried to say I was the one who cheated on her. Even dug up some random photo of me and an old friend from a party and tried saying that was who I was having an affair with. Put her through hell for a little bit, too.”

“That’s awful,” she managed at a whisper, her face uncertain as she processed all of what he was saying.

“It was,” Blake nodded. “The pregnancy ended up being a lie. It was a last desperate attempt in trying to tie me back down.” He exhaled roughly. “My first thought - well, this is going to sound really stupid, but it felt like I lost something. Even though there was never a baby, and even though it was going to be hard because I was never going back to her, it felt real for a little while.” He paused before continuing. “But after I got past that, and just thought about how insane you have to be to fake a pregnancy to try and keep someone in your life — hell, it made a huge difference for me. I mean, that’s something right out of a trashy TV show, right? All of the country music community was pretty much hounding me for weeks. And I just thought that I was so better off not being with someone that _vile_.”

He glanced down at Gwen, who was quietly listening to him, her finger absently drawing small circles against his shirt.

“It might not be today, but you’re going to have that moment. When you realize how much better off you are without all of the bullshit a truly toxic person can bring to your life. And that, if anything, is worth living for, sweet girl.”

“How did you handle all of that?” She asked gently, her finger continuing the random pattern on his shirt.

“The wrong way,” Blake responded. “And then the right way, when the wrong way was ruining my life.” He nudged her a bit. “I’ll have to show you my ways sometime.”

Gwen hummed thoughtfully, and let the silence linger for a few moments.

“I wish her pregnancy was fake,” she whispered. Her eyes went up to his suddenly. “Oh my god, I didn’t mean…”

Blake chuckled once lowly. “It’s alright,” he responded. “Feels like another lifetime ago.”

She nodded and her body relaxed again in the slightest when Blake confirmed she hadn’t completely offended him. Just being with him like this again was a quick reminder of how far they had come - how far _she_ had come. 

“You have _no_ idea what you’re signing up for if we moved in with you,” she warned him quietly. “I can’t…I can’t even wrap my head around that you seriously just offered that.”

“Look, I don’t have kids, but I have a huge family,” he shrugged. “And while I’m not a parent yet, I’ve been around kids my entire life. I understand more than you think.”

The way Blake said the word _yet_ lit a fire deep inside of her. 

“It’s not like I want him back,” she said lowly. “That’s not it at all. I just…” she exhaled. “I don’t understand why my life is the one that blew up. Why it was _me_ leaving the house. But he just gets to go on like this, immediately happy and _perfect_ with someone else.” She sighed. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“And on another future day that I know you don’t think exists right now, you will actually run out of energy trying to find something about yourself to take the blame over, because you’ll believe yourself fully when you remind yourself that you didn’t do anything wrong.” He squeezed her a little. “And that’s the truth.”

She wanted to protest, but she knew it was useless. Blake was in a hardcore convincing type mood, and she was tired. She knew he was worried about her, and in this state, he wouldn’t let her get away with something like that. Her eyes tentatively looked up to his to meet them.

“I could be happy with you,” she admitted, but her neutral face soon scrunched in confusion. “I don’t even know what’s going on half the time, though.”

“What do you mean?”

“You. Me. _Us_.”

Blake hummed. “Whatever we are, I like _us_.”

Gwen’s gaze fell back to her lap, not feeling comfortable enough to try and push that line of thought further. But god, how she wanted to question the shit out of him in those moments.

“You don’t have to stay here, you know,” he offered gently. “The guest room is yours as long as you want it.” He paused. “I actually don’t like the thought of you being alone tonight.”

“I don’t want to overstay my welcome,” she nudged into him a bit. 

“I just told you to move in if you wanted. How do you think that’s even possible?” He chuckled. “I like having you around.”

Her eyes went back to his, searching for a moment. 

“I’m kind of glad to hear you say that,” she admitted tentatively. “The quiet has been maddening, I’m not really used to being on my own.” She paused, considering for a moment. “Maybe we should still clean up though, while we’re here?”

“Sure, of course,” Blake nodded. Gwen shifted and stood up, then turned to offer her hands to Blake. He took them and pulled himself to his feet right next to her, a hand going through his hair. She held on to one of his hands and tugged him towards her, not letting him walk off just yet. Her arms went around his neck in a hug as she pressed up on her toes, and her lips placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“You’re a good man, Blake Shelton,” she whispered in his ear, right before lowering her heels back down on the ground. “A crazy one, but a good one.” She squeezed his arm as she walked past him, heading towards the kitchen. She stopped mid-walk and looked back to him. “Don’t forget the flask.”

Blake had a soft, content smile on his face as he watched Gwen walk away from him. When she looked back, he couldn’t even bring himself to concentrate on her words for a moment. Soon he snapped out of it, turning back to the couch. “Got it,” he responded, snatching it up quickly. 

Gwen opened a few cabinets in the kitchen, tugging a handful of liquor bottles down and placing them on the center island. She looked over to Blake when he joined her and placed the flask amongst them. 

“There’s one on top of the fridge, can you get it?”

He nodded, taking a few strides over to the fridge and easily picking up the half empty glass bottle from the top. 

Gwen dipped out of the kitchen and walked down the hallway, soon bringing back a few glass bottles from the bedroom. Her eyes anxiously went over the various liquors in front of her and she sighed.

Her face scrunched up as she felt suddenly uncomfortable, her hand resting on the back of her neck. Her face felt hot. She felt antsy soon after. It was like something inside of her head was helping her make herself physically ill all over again, and she was unable to look back at the alcohol on the table after she forced her gaze away from it all.

Blake placed a cardboard box on the counter, and began to place the bottles inside. He kept an eye on her as he did this, as a dozen emotions were plastered across her face. It was obvious she was uncomfortable, mentally beating herself up. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he encouraged her, taking a not so random stab at why her demeanor had changed so much. It was somewhat obvious as her eyes were only briefly on him before they were just on the bottles he was packing into the cardboard box. 

“I’m going to go pack some more clothes,” she mumbled, before turning to leave again. Anything to get out of that room in those moments. She let out a long breath she didn’t realize she was holding in as she walked down the hall, moving back into the bedroom. 

Once inside, her back leaned against the wall and she took another deep breath. Her eyes were focused forward, concentrating on nothing in particular. She zoned out, not even knowing how much time had passed before her attention drew to her side, Blake tentatively pushing the door open.

“Did you find the clothes you wanted?” he asked. That snapped her back to reality as her head jerked to look back over to the closet, soon followed by her feet carrying her there. 

“Yeah, I know what I need,” she replied, tugging a medium sized bag out of the closet and plopping it on the bed. She turned and began to open a few drawers, placing select articles of clothing inside of it. 

Blake took a seat next to the bag on the bed, and she glanced quickly to him and then back down to the bag, swallowing roughly. It felt like de ja vu, it felt like the first time she packed a bag to go stay with Blake. 

Though it had only been mere days ago, everything had changed since then.

To Blake’s surprise, he looked down to his hand when he felt her intertwine their fingers, and squeezed it lightly. His eyes went up to her, but her gaze was still on their joined hands. He stayed silent, letting her process whatever it was that she needed to - it was so obvious that her mind was going into overtime. 

He didn’t want to say anything, because the air between them felt different - evolving. She was learning how to reach out and ask for help, even if the first step was simply taking his hand in silence when she needed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How are we liking the new angst? They couldn't 'hate' each other forever, but this sexual tension is killing me slowly...
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone that reads and comments, it means the world and really makes my day during these jumbled depressing days of quarantine (hint hint: I'd love to hear your thoughts again pretty please).
> 
> xoxo


	14. You Got Me Good, How You Push And Shove

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this little note is probably going to risk some of you refusing to read this chapter until I post more updates after it, but the intensity is skyrocketing again on this one. It pushes boundaries, and it's not easy.
> 
> I will say, the ending and realization(s) are worth reading now. I didn't leave you with a nasty cliffhanger (you're welcome, because this is one of my favorite things to do actually, LOL). It's needed for the story to progress, and I can only hope that you understand why.
> 
> Thank you for all of the love ❤️ You people make my entire day.
> 
> xoxo

He told her to get in the truck with him, so she did. 

She hadn’t left the house that day; she was feeling off, and couldn’t identify exactly why she felt that way. Blake had tried inviting her to go out grocery shopping, but she declined in favor of not moving from the couch. She was strangely tired mid-day. And when Blake came back and saw that she had literally not moved an inch, he was concerned. So he got her up, gently pushed and prodded her back to the bedroom, and told her to change into athletic clothes and sneakers. 

She had been too tired to fight back too hard, and strangely enough, she didn’t even question where they were going. It didn’t occur to her to even ask until he was backing the car out of the driveway. 

Gwen glanced over to him, her elbow propped on the window.

“Another A.A. meeting?” she inquired casually.

“Wasn’t _exactly_ the plan,” Blake responded. “But if you want to go to one, we can.”

“I guess it depends on where we’re actually going,” she responded simply.

“Mmm…” Blake considered for a moment. “I think you’ll like it better than A.A.” He paused, before adding. “ _Eventually_.”

She chuckled once. “I don’t think that’s as reassuring as you think it is.”

“How about this, then,” he said next, his hand reaching out and resting on top of her leg. The physical contact caused her to look down to his hand, then over to him. Blake’s eyes were on the road as he drove, with occasional quick stolen glances her way. He pulled up to a stoplight, and let his gaze linger a bit longer. “You trust me still, right?”

She sighed. “ _Unfortunately_ ,” she responded, only half serious. He cracked a small smile as he was amused by her response. 

Blake’s eyes went back to the road, forgetting for the meantime about where his hand was placed - still high on her leg. It inspired a slightly wicked, albeit innocent idea in her head. Her eyes flashed up to him tentatively, before she slightly - and _skillfully_ shifted her body weight in the seat, her elbow against the center console as the shift forced his hand higher on her leg without him realizing it. 

A small, amused smile played on her features as she watched him discreetly. He was focused on the road ahead, as he should have been, but she had to hold back her laughter as the edge of his pinky was _just_ at her underwear line…

 _Fuck_ , she almost hated herself for how badly she craved his touch.

Gwen kept her composure, occasionally glancing to him, wondering when he was going to realize…

His hand squeezed her upper thigh in a reassuring manner, and the panic flashed instantly across his face as he realized two of his fingers dipped _inside_ her leg, something he was wholly unprepared for.

Blake retracted his hand swiftly, seemingly a bit embarrassed as he tried to stutter out an apology. Gwen was too busy giggling wickedly to even get most of the attempted words at first. 

“Oh my god,” Blake said. “I _didn’t_ mean…”

Gwen was still laughing, which only caused Blake’s brow to wrinkle in confusion. He pulled up to another stop light and let his full glance look over to her.

“What?!” he demanded to know, but soon he was laughing along with her. 

“Yeah, you _hated_ that,” she said coyly with a giggle, stealing his own words from when he teased her prior. Gwen’s gaze caught his as an amused smile rested on her features, her cheeks lightly pink. “You really that embarrassed by a little touch?” she inquired, her head tilting slightly in curiosity. Her voice naturally grew lower. “You’ve touched _far_ more forbidden things than the inside of my thigh…”

Blake felt a cough in his throat, not expecting her to be quite so bold in those moments.

“ _That wasn’t your thigh_ ,” he managed, forcing his eyes back to the road as the light turned green again. He forced a steadied breath as he worked to maintain his composure. Gwen was making this incredibly difficult for him, and it only seemed to be more difficult the longer he spent time with her.

“Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?” She almost whispered, the smile still lighting up her features. 

The chuckle came from low in his throat as a response. 

“I see,” he nodded once. “I’ll keep that one in mind.”

She tilted her head to look at him again. “You do that.”

Her gaze naturally fell to look outside the passenger side window as a comfortable, albeit sexually charged silence fell between them. 

“Hey Blake,” she said softly.

“Hmm?”

“Tell me something on your mind,” she responded. 

“About what?” He asked, glancing to her. 

Her shoulders shrugged softly. “Anything.”

Blake hummed, his eyes going back to the road as he took a few moments to ponder. He sighed, which drew her attention back over to him. She reached out for his hand, bringing it to the center console between the two of them. 

“ _Anything_ ,” she repeated, even more quiet that time. 

He didn’t immediately answer, but soon enough, he did. 

“Spending time with you is the only thing that has made my divorce make any kind of sense,” he replied gently. “It almost makes those years of my life look like a waste.”

His words hit her in the gut and she just stared at him for a few moments. She soon brought his hand up slightly, placing a kiss on the top of his hand.

“I want you more than I’ve wanted almost anything in my life,” he continued. “But I am more scared right now of hurting you. I just don’t know where the line is. I don’t know when - or _how_ to make that call, Gwen.”

Her hand held his tighter in those moments.

“You need to figure out how to make that call,” she responded gently, her face scrunching slightly as she concentrated on the words to come next. “Because I’m too scared of rejection again.”

“I _didn’t_ —“

“ — you _did_ ,” she cut in, knowing that would be the first thing for him to say. “But it wasn’t a criticism.” She took a moment to gather more courage, and after her next inquiry, she didn’t think she would have any left. 

“What are you so afraid of that you think is going to happen?”

The question was direct, but soft and nonthreatening. She wanted to know what was going on in that head of his.

“It’s getting harder by the day having to hold myself back,” she added at a whisper, her eyes going to her lap. 

“I don’t know,” he admitted honestly, with a small sigh. 

“I’m not sure what all of this was like for you, I can only speak for myself,” she continued. “And I’m not saying I don’t have issues. But I feel fine. _Better_.” She paused. “It’s not like I spend all day thinking about wanting to drink. I think about it sometimes. It’s worse when I’m having a bad day. But it’s not the _only_ thing I think about.”

“I didn’t think it was,” he replied softly. 

“That’s all I wanted to say,” she shrugged a little. “Just something for you to think about.”

Her eyes glanced back to him as he lifted her hand to his lips, his turn to now place a kiss on the same spot she had minutes earlier. 

“I think this was a wonderful day for you to get out of the house,” Blake commented a few minutes later, switching the subject.

Her eyebrow raised. “What’s wrong with spending the day at home?”

“Nothing,” he admitted. “But when it’s day three of being a homebody, maybe it’s time for a little fresh air.”

“It hasn’t been three days,” her response was nearly defensive. “I went to Target two days ago.”

“You went to Target _four_ days ago,” Blake corrected. “Hey, I’m not judging you sweet girl, I’m just trying to help.”

If she didn’t slightly melt every time she heard those words coming out of his mouth, she might have put up a longer and harder defense. But she chose the path of least resistance, and chose to digress for the time being. Her eyes went back neutrally to the road as they continued to drive, soon narrowing as Blake pulled in to a parking lot.

“Is something wrong?” Gwen asked. 

Blake glanced to her, then back front as he pulled the truck into one of the parking spaces. 

“No,” he responded, his head nodding to gesture to the building in front of them. “We’re here.”

“You had a hankering for a workout, and you want me to…watch?”

He chuckled at her best guess and nearly rolled his eyes as he pulled the keys from the ignition.

“Come on.”

He grabbed a bag from the backseat and tossed it over his shoulder as she hopped out of the truck and followed him curiously. She took in her surroundings as they walked side by side through the large front double doors, and into a boxing gym. 

Gwen’s eyes were darting all across the room as she watched a number of new and unfamiliar scenes unfold before her, and some others that felt like they were just out of a movie. A few people were in the middle of practice matches, a handful of others were doing their own thing - ranging from stretching to full out beating up their chosen punching bag. Blake’s arm went around her shoulders as they continued to walk through the sidelines, which drew her attention back in front of their path.

He brought her to the back of the gym and proceeded to open a door, seeing to it that they both stepped through before he closed it behind them. Blake flicked on a few of the lights, illuminating a small, private practice area. 

Her eyes scanned the room - a few of those large and intimidating punching bags were lined against the side wall. Next to them, two extra small, circular bags hanging high. Along the back wall, a complete set of dumbbells and kettlebells. The sound of Blake unzipping his bag pulled her attention back to him.

“I don’t understand,” her innocent voice was more of an inquiry, laced with confusion. But as his eyes went to hers, there was still the sense the she trusted him completely. 

“I told you I was going to show you my ways,” Blake responded.

“Soooo…I am here to watch,” it was half a question and a statement, as she was still a bit thrown. 

Blake’s back straightened from hunching over into his bag, their bodies now fully facing one another.

“I was afraid if I asked, you wouldn’t have come,” he admitted. 

“I still don’t understand,” she sighed. 

He had to physically restrain himself, deplete nearly all of his energy reserve to hold himself back - all he wanted to do was allow his hand to caress against her cheek, while his other slid to the small of her back to pull her closer…his eyes closed as he swallowed, forcing himself off the ledge of that daydream. 

“This was the second way I healed,” he admitted. “You were the push. This was the execution.”

“You box?” It sounded so dumb in hindsight, as they were both literally standing in a boxing gym. “I mean…”

He chuckled and nodded once. “Yeah, I do.”

“Hmm,” Gwen responded, glancing around the room. “Like, real fights and stuff?”

“Not in a while, but I’ve done some sparring, yeah,” he responded. He paused, hesitating to continue the conversation in the one direction he knew he needed to push it. “I don’t know why, but no amount of talking, and no amount of - well, _anything_ \- ever helped me release my anger the way that beating up on that bag over there did.”

Blake held up pink hand wraps, that were obviously intended for Gwen.

She blinked, as it took a few moments to sink in where this was going. Subconsciously, she took half a step back as her hands went up in a small surrender. “Oh, I uh - Blake, no,” she managed with a shake of her head. 

“Why not?” He asked neutrally, his eyes staying on her. 

“I literally have _no idea_ what any of this does,” she said, obviously intimidated. 

“I didn’t expect you to,” he replied genuinely. “I plan on teaching you.”

“Why?” she breathed. 

“You hold everything inside of you,” he said boldly. “I know when you do it, too. Your face gives you away.” He paused. “And while I look forward to the day that _I_ can help you release that anger you hold onto…”

Gwen had an immediate reply that came out in fragments of sounds as she stuttered, the words Blake were throwing at her about helping her _release_ just suddenly overwhelming to think about. 

“I…Bu…what do you mean _anger_?” She exhaled. “I’m not angry.”

Blake exhaled himself, his arms crossing. His head tilted slightly, looking at her with an eyebrow raised.

“What??” She asked, perhaps a bit more defensive then she meant to seem. “I’m not.”

“Well, whatever you want to call it, needs to come out,” Blake replied, his hand gesturing to her. “Let me see your hand.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to wrap it.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to wrap your hand before I put the boxing glove on.”

“The _what_?”

Without hesitation, Blake exhaled again as he bent to the side, opening up the bag he had brought in with them. After a quick dig, he tugged a pair of gloves out to show her.

She tilted her head to the side. “You have pink gloves,” she observed.

“I bought them for you, knucklehead,” Blake teased.

“Wait,” Gwen’s eyes widened suddenly. “Did you bring me here because you want to fight me?”

“Your distractions aren’t going to work…”

“Blake…” she breathed. “This…this is not a good idea.”

“Quit thinking so damn hard about everything and give me your hand.”

His words were abrupt, but not necessarily unkind. He held his hand out for hers, and she placed it in his palm a moment later. Blake hooked a loop on her thumb, and gently pressed too fan her fingers open. 

“Keep your fingers like this,” he instructed, and she simply watched. He weaved the fabric up and over and through her fingers what felt like twenty times before he secured it. “How does it feel? Do you still have circulation?”

She tested her hand, moving and flexing it. “Yeah, I think so.”

“Other hand.”

Blake repeated the same motions, concentrating to not wrap her too tightly, and had her test the second. He pulled one of the gloves up from the floor, and positioned her hand. 

“Shove it down in there, as far as it can go,” he told her next, his hand coming just below her elbow to help start the process. “One more big push down.” She pushed harder, her hand coming fully into the glove. He turned her arm and began tightening the laces.

She watched him in fascination as he knew exactly what he was doing. He soon repeated the steps with the second glove. After securing the laces, he let her second hand go, and she turned them both to look at them. Blake’s arm went around her waist, leading her over to the large punching bag that almost seemed bigger than her.

Blake placed her in front of it, before he went to stand behind it, head leaning to the side to make eye contact with her as his hands held the side of it. 

“Give it a hit,” he encouraged her.

“How?”

“Don’t worry about the ‘how’, just hit it a few times. Get used to it.”

She pressed one glove into the bag to test it, disappointed it didn’t move, despite knowing that Blake was holding it. 

“Come on,” he said, egging her on, his hands slapping the sides of the bag. “Stop thinking about it and just do it.”

Gwen sighed and took a half step back, throwing a cautious punch to test the waters.

“Good, come on, a little harder,” he encouraged her. 

She threw a few more, each one growing in intensity. 

“Don’t let your hands drop after you punch, keep them up,” he advised. “Think of it like you swing, punch, and retract to get ready for the next. Elbows always above your hips.”

She nodded and did it again, taking his corrections and executing them.

“ _Good_ ,” he emphasized, his hands gripping the bag harder. “Come on, beat the shit out of this thing.”

A small giggle caught somewhere in the back of her throat as her eyes went to him briefly. She threw another few hits then glanced at him again.

“Isn’t it more fun if the bag moves when I hit it?” She exhaled. 

“Sure, until it recoils and knocks you over.”

“Oh.”

She hit it again, slowly starting to loosen up.

“Try keeping on your toes a little more,” he suggested. “If you stay light on your feet, you’ll have more momentum. Don’t be afraid to move around the bag a bit.”

“How did you learn all of this?” She asked, right before she threw another hit. 

“Mostly just watching,” he admitted. “Once you get the basics, the rest is easy to figure out.” He paused as he watched her continue on the bag. “Try a one-two punch, quick quick, retract retract.” 

She bounced a little on her toes before hitting twice in close succession like he told her.

“That’s my girl!” He said loudly, shaking the bag slightly by the sides as the intensity grew for the both of them. “Nobody’s going to fucking mess with you. Come on another, one-two, hit hit.”

Gwen was feeling energized all of a sudden as her punches grew stronger, and she was less worried about not knowing what she was doing. She found that she wasn’t thinking as hard, she was just listening and reacting to Blake’s voice.

Blake watched Gwen evolve from barely touching the bag to feeling the light indents of her punches through the other side of the bag. She was a quick study and took direction well, and the guilt over what he had to do next started to slowly eat at him inside. 

“Who’s messed with you lately, Gwen?” Blake asked.

She was bouncing on her feet, throwing a punch here and there trying to keep her momentum up. Her eyes glanced to him confused, then went back to the bag. 

“Nobody,” she said, not even taking a second to think about it. 

“That’s a lie,” he said boldly. “Tell me who’s messed with you lately.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she huffed, not even looking at him this time as she threw a few more punches. She didn’t realize it, but her intensity was mounting. 

“You mean to tell me that your ex-husband dragging you on TV isn’t what you consider the definition of _being messed with_?”

Her body tensed as she punched hard. “Shut up,” the words were laced in anger as her brows furrowed in, hitting again. 

“The whole world saw it, Gwen,” he responded immediately. “It’s on _tape_. If you didn’t catch that the first time, we can go back and watch it again.”

“I said SHUT UP!” her voice raised harshly as her blood was boiling. She didn’t even need Blake’s prompting to hit the bag anymore - she was doing it all on her own. 

He knew he hit a nerve. Though his actions may have seemed reckless, they were calculated. And he had to make sure to stay within his own parameters. 

“It was you,” Blake said next. “You’re the one that couldn’t make him happy. This is your fault.” He was mirroring the insecurities that lived under the surface - some she had admitted to, but most she had not. 

“Stop!” she screamed, but didn’t look at him. She just kept going. 

“They always say there’s someone else out there that’s willing to work twice as hard as you just to gain exactly what you already have,” he said, readjusting his grip on the sides of the bag. “That’s what happened, right? She wanted him more? She was more attentive to his needs? Loving? Better wife material?”

“I wasted over a fucking decade of love!” She yelled next. “It was never enough! It was never right! He always threw it back in my face!”

“Can you really blame him though?” Blake asked next. “Look how happy the two of them are. And they’re going to have twins - you never gave him twins.”

Gwen stopped suddenly as a loud and anguished cry escaped, but she only hesitated and allowed that to slow her down for a mere few seconds before she completely lost it and just started actually beating the shit out of the punching bag. The punches were big, intense, and ugly, any of Blake’s suggestions going right out of the door as she just needed to beat something to the pulp.

“He gets me pregnant once BY FUCKING ACCIDENT in thirteen years of marriage, then his dick falls into the nanny one day and makes FUCKING TWINS?!” She was the angriest and loudest she had been so far, and even though it deeply hurt Blake to watch her go through this, he knew she was getting to the breaking point. And she needed to break fully before she could get fully back together. 

“I hate her! I hate him! I hate when Apollo is in her arms! They fucking ruined my life and stole my house and they’re about to steal Apollo!”

“What are you going to do about it?!”

“I’m going to kill them!” she yelled and punched hard. “Both of them! In their sleep! In their fucking house that I decorated! I’m going to — “ she inhaled sharply as she suddenly stilled, her eyes staring blankly at the punching bag as her expression fell. Her breathing was hard, and it was the first time she felt the beads of sweat trickling down her face. 

Not even a second later, she broke.

She dropped to her knees, sobbing in pure agony as her body crumbled up into a ball. 

The change was sudden, but expected on Blake’s end and he immediately was on his knees next to her. The sound of her crying so hard made him physically ill, but he forced himself to quickly remove both gloves and ditched them to the side. His arms grabbed around her entire body next, pulling her into his lap. He held her tightly, as her hand grabbed his shirt even tighter, her face burying into his chest. 

He stayed silent, letting her cry it out of her system, knowing he was prepared for that to be simply however long she needed to do it.

Her cries grew quieter, and it wasn’t until she took a breath and sniffled did he let his hand caress her back. Her hand was still gripping his shirt tightly as she held herself against him.

“Nothing, and I repeat, _nothing_ , none of this is your fucking fault,” he stated the words strongly, _clearly_. “He is a fucking liar and piece of trash. Do you understand me?”

She didn’t respond, and just kept herself close to him in silence.

“ _Do you understand me_?” He pressed again, more intensely this time. Gwen sniffled and nodded, but didn’t move.

“You are the most incredible, loving, genuine, caring, and attentive person on this entire planet,” he continued. “And he is a goddamn fucking idiot for not making sure that he took care of you, for not loving you and treating you the way that you deserve to be treated.” He sighed. “But it doesn’t matter anymore. He literally does not matter. Because your life - there’s so much extra room in it now. You’re going to fill that with love. Joy, happiness, more kids, things _you_ want.”

Gwen let out a shaky breath as she moved her arms to go around his midsection, her eyes closing tightly as she still continued to cry softly. 

“But how do you know?” Her voice broke and was barely audible. 

Blake sighed heavily, realizing what he needed to say, get off his chest, but knowing he had to be crazy careful in handling this. A wave of nerves washed over his entire body, but he soon forced out his answer.

“Because _I_ love you,” he said with an exhale. 

Blake heard her soft crying abruptly stop as a faint gasp caught in the back of her throat.

“I fell in love with you in San Diego,” he admitted. “I didn’t think there was any way in hell that something like that could happen so fast. But without a doubt, I know it’s the truth.” He paused. “When I love someone, I love them _hard_. So that’s how I know. I will love you as hard as I need to in order to help make all of that happen.”

Gwen was speechless, but his admission had, for the most part, stopped her crying. 

“I don’t want you to say anything,” he nudged her. “And I’m sorry if it was shitty of me to tell you this _now_. But also, I’m not, because all of it’s true and you need to hear it instead of beating yourself up and thinking you’re the gum on the bottom of someone else’s shoe.”

Silence fell again for a few minutes. Gwen turned her head up, unexpectedly placing a kiss on Blake’s cheek before settling back into his arms. She sniffled as his hand stroked through her hair.

She exhaled before her tiny voice spoke up again.

“You’re right about everything,” she said gently. “I was angry. _Am_ angry.” She exhaled again, her fingers swiping under her eye. “Punching something kind of helped a little.”

A smile came to his lips just before he placed them on top of her head for a kiss. “Good,” he responded. 

A few minutes passed in silence again before Gwen tugged her arms back, letting her hands run over her face. She exhaled roughly as she pressed to stand up fully on her own, Blake a few seconds behind her. Gwen turned to face him, her arms coming around his waist. He mimicked her stance, his arms around her only seconds later. 

“Let’s go home,” she suggested, her brow furrowing in that way that indicated the wheels were starting to turn. “Lots to figure out.”

Her strength was probably one of the things he loved the most about her. It was jarring that she could be laying on the ground in shambles only moments prior and now she was on her feet, ready to tackle things head on. 

She had found the fire she needed to fight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please no death threats after this chapter lmao kthanks ❤️


	15. Boy You're Charming Me, Not Gonna Fight It

She didn’t realize how sore her muscles would be so quickly.

Once they got home, she headed straight in to take a long, hot shower. It calmed her after the rough day they had, but it somehow managed to bring her back to life as well. She put fresh lounge clothes on and left her hair damp and combed through - not wanting to bother with her appearance. It struck her in those moments that this was the first time in actual decades that the way she looked wasn’t her top priority. She wasn’t fussing over having to put makeup on before any other human being alive saw her face. She didn’t feel the need to flat iron her hair, or put extensions in, or the twenty five other ways she would waste so much time. 

She glanced at herself in a mirror before she left the bedroom - bare faced, damp unstyled hair, baggy clothes. 

She felt free. 

And honestly, still a bit negative about herself, but that wasn’t going to go away so quickly. 

After the quick walk down the hall, she spotted Blake sitting on the couch faced away from her, TV on low. Her footsteps barely made a sound as she approached; Blake’s attention drawing up to her only when she made it to the side of the couch. 

“Hi, sweet girl,” he said softly in greeting, a small smile going up to her. His arm moved around her back as she stood next to the end of the couch, her hand naturally falling into his curls to play with them as he tugged her a bit closer. 

“Can I join you?” She asked tentatively, her head tilting slightly as she glanced down at him.

“You never have to ask,” it always took him a bit by surprise, how much she asked for things that he felt like were a given. And yet what fascinated him even more was how she continued to surprise him. Instead of taking a seat next to him, she bit her bottom lip as she crawled into his lap, settling in a moment later.

His arm shifted and came around her, his hand resting on her opposite hip to hold her against him as soon as her head leaned in.

“I approve,” he pecked a quick kiss on the side of her forehead, and held up his other hand that she just now realized was holding a bowl. “Want some?”

She peered inside. “Chocolate ice cream? Gimme,” a small smile came to her face as she took the bowl from him, eating a bite from it. Without prompting, she scooped the next, her eyes going to him as she offered it to Blake. His neck craned forward, taking the spoon into his mouth, but not dropping his gaze from hers. 

Blake swallowed the ice cream, as Gwen belatedly retracted the spoon, both getting a little lost in the simple moment.

“Mmm, you smell good,” he complimented her. 

“Me?” She asked immediately, furrowing her brow. She shifted the bowl to her right hand and sniffed her arm quickly, then held it up to him. “Is it this?”

Blake leaned slightly and inhaled, nodding a moment later. “Yeah, I like that. What is that?”

“Body butter,” she explained. “Mango coconut, I think?”

“Butter like, the kind that goes on toast?”

She giggled softly after taking another small bite of ice cream. “It’s like you’ve never been around girls, ever,” she teased him. “It’s lotion.”

“Hmm,” he considered, his head tilting and leaning towards the top of her shoulder. He placed a kiss there, and trailed a few more nearby. He straightened up and glanced at her, a confused look on his face. “You sure it’s not toast butter? I kinda wanna lick it off…”

She giggled again and offered him the spoon with a bite. “You’d be really disappointed.”

“Mmm, I don’t think I would.”

“You’re a dork,” she laughed and shook her head, taking another bite. She swirled the spoon around in the bowl as she looked at it, not quite ready for the next.

“ _Gwen…_ ”

The way he said her name - there was something about it. It was hesitant, but strong, and there was something behind it she couldn’t quite identify which caused her to look up to him. Their eyes locked as his arm tightened around her, holding her closer against him, and she completely froze as Blake’s lips landed on hers.

Not her cheek. Not her shoulder. Not her forehead. He was kissing her _lips_.

It sent a shiver down her spine, the way the cold ice cream that lingered in her mouth was shocked by the warmth of the kiss. Her heart was beating faster. Blake’s hand went over hers that had a hold of the ice cream bowl and he took it, their lips breaking contact for only a brief moment as he leaned forward and placed it on the coffee table. His attention immediately went back to her, his thumb lightly caressing her cheek before he kissed her again, his arm pulling her back close.

She was so shocked she forgot to breathe; a few moments later she broke their contact, simply out of air and overwhelmed. Her forehead was lightly resting against his as she exhaled roughly and blinked a few times, still not able to fully process what had just happened. 

Somewhere deep down inside of herself, she found a few whispered words.

“Why now?”

She forced her eyes to his, almost afraid of what he might say.

“I asked myself the opposite question,” his voice was low and a bit groggy, which honestly just made him all the more irresistible to her. “Why _not_ now.”

“And?” she prompted him next. “Do you regret it?”

The innocence and meekness behind those four words could have gutted him. They were the words of someone who had been hurt so many times before, someone that just wanted to be loved. 

He leaned forward and placed another kiss on her lips; this one longer, slightly more fueled with passion. He chased it with a small kiss on the side of her lips, then another on her cheek, as he moved his lips to whisper in her ear.

“Sweet girl, I could never regret anything about you,” he said softly. 

Gwen couldn’t help the smile that played across her lips as soon as he said those words to her. It gave her the confidence to allow her hands to slide up against his chest, resting on the back of his neck just as she made her move this time - brushing her lips lightly against his, teasing him just a little bit, before she took them in hers and kissed him softly.

She hovered at his lips even as she pulled back to end the kiss, pressing her own together as she exhaled. His voice was still at a whisper as he spoke again.

“I think _both_ of us really hated that,” he teased with a grin. 

Her grin was instant as she chuckled softly. “Yeah, that was the _worst_ ,” she teased back. “I might even need to take you up on that rabies vaccine now. Just in case.”

He blinked once as her words resonated with him. He raised an eyebrow and the next minute he had her squealing and laughing, trying to escape his arms as he tickled her sides.

“Blaaaaake!” her voice pitched high as she laughed, unable to get away. He was laughing along with her now, and eventually gave her a break from the torture.

“ _Rabies vaccine_ ,” he grumbled and rolled his eyes with a laugh. “You literally dated a vampire and you’re here giving _me_ shit about getting a rabies vaccine.”

She giggled once. “You made it too easy, cowboy.”

His lips went to whisper in her ear. “I don’t bite, but I definitely _suck_ …” he nibbled her ear playfully, and caught Gwen’s cheeks flushing pink as he settled back to look at her. His free hand stroked up and down her bare legs, and she subconsciously pulled her body in closer to his. 

Gwen let out a groan as her forehead went to rest on his shoulder. “I hate you,” she mumbled.

Blake hummed and chuckled once, his fingers lightly tracing her upper thigh now. “You have an odd way of showing it.”

She turned her head slightly, now the side of her forehead resting on his shoulder. “I know what you’re doing right now…”

“What am I doing?” a small grin came to his lips as his fingers continued to explore. 

“You get a thrill out of the tease,” she mused. “But I am literally five seconds away from jumping your bones, so…”

He chuckled lowly. “Do you _want_ to jump my bones?”

She knew the obvious answer to that - of course it was _yes_. But it took her so long to just get him comfortable with the idea of kissing her, she highly doubted he’d let much more happen at that point in time. Truth be told, she was also way too scared to actually try to initiate anything. 

“Guess you’ll never know,” she responded softly as she bit her lip. It was the most neutral way she could think of to slowly back out of the corner he put her in, despite his touches against her leg that were driving her insane.

She shifted in the next moment, straddling and sitting on his lap before she made eye contact with him. His hands shifted and came to her waist as her arms snaked up around his neck. 

“I do want to do this again…” she said timidly, her eyes watching his a moment before she leaned forward to kiss him.

The kiss was quicker than she anticipated as she pulled back slightly, feeling something abruptly hard in between her legs. She looked down and realized it was Blake; her cheeks were starting to turn pink again as she looked back up, suddenly embarrassed that his hard on, of all things, startled her. Her eyes shut tightly as her hand came over her face, and Blake just started chuckling. 

“Are you really surprised?” He asked as he laughed some more, tugging her hand off of her face so that he could see her. 

“I just — ugh,” she managed as she felt her cheeks hotter. “I’m sorry?”

Blake just started laughing harder. _No pun intended._

“You get embarrassed over the most innocent and adorable things,” his hands squeezed her sides lightly, and she looked up to him. 

“No like, I _should_ be sorry,” she breathed, struggling to explain herself. 

“Do you honestly think I stood a chance of that _not_ happening?” Blake inquired with another chuckle. “You are _the_ most beautiful woman in the entire world and you’re all over me. Like, fuck, Gwen, it doesn’t get any better than that.”

“ _Doesn’t that hurt?_ ” she inquired through somewhat gritted teeth. 

“I’m okay,” he laughed again and shook his head. His voice went down to a whisper. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“What?” she dropped her shoulders, her voice nearly a whine.

“Closer,” he prompted her, still at a whisper.

Gwen sighed, and moved forward against him so that he could whisper in her ear.

Blake was having trouble holding back his laugh as soon as his lips were near her ear. “Mmm. You’re on it again,” he said with a chuckle, and she felt herself jerk back. Blake started to roar in laughter, his hands gripping her hips a bit more as to not let her get away.

“Payback’s a bitch, isn’t it?” He purposefully mirrored her words from before, as best he could get them out between his laughter. 

“I hate you, Blake Shelton,” she huffed in annoyance. “Like, so much, you don’t even know.”

He grinned. “Oh, I _know_ ,” he responded. He waited a moment before his hands tugged her back forward suddenly, as he quite intentionally placed her back in the same position on top of him. His eyes watched her as she realized what he had done, and he leaned forward slightly to place a kiss on her neck. He trailed them up and she shrunk into him slightly, his lips suddenly ticklish against her skin. She giggled softly and Blake let her rest, one of his hands drawing up to hold her head against his shoulder.

“I like this version of you,” he admitted softly, his hand drawing down to rub her back. 

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged lightly. “A lot of things, I guess,” he began. “Open. Playful. And you have this larger than life personality, but I can still manage to make you blush pretty easy.” He paused. “Why don’t you show the world this side of you?”

Her brow wrinkled slightly, and she moved to sit up straight to look at him for a few moments. 

“It’s not for the world to see,” she said gently, a slight tilt of her head. “Blake, I’m really not one of those Hollywood _whatevers_ that thrives on all of the attention. There’s music _me_ , and then there’s, well, _me_ me. I don’t want my entire life to be on display.”

“I understand,” Blake said, as he drew his hand up to her cheek.

Her voice was barely audible as she continued. “It’s why all of this is so hard.” She looked down into her lap as her mood seemed to visibly change, and she let out a sigh. Blake’s hand caressed her cheek and her hand rested over his as she shut her eyes tightly, and pressed her lips together. A moment later they opened and she blinked a few times, and forced her damp eyes over to him.

_You’re a buzzkill when you’re sober._

Those words - Dean’s words, actually - rang through her head the moment Blake’s concerned expression registered with her. They distracted her, as she suddenly lost the words she intended to say next. Eventually she just felt embarrassed again and without a word, placed her weight on one knee as she peeled herself off of him. She stood up as Blake’s posture immediately straightened, confused, her arm still reaching out for her. But she didn’t take it. 

She shook her head as she took a step away from him.

“ _Sorry_ ,” her voice broke, and she immediately turned away.

“ _Gwen…_ ,” Blake managed, but all he could do was watch her walk away, down the short hall and into her guest room. 

He stood up, lingering for a few minutes as his eyes just stayed on the bedroom door. Blake wasn’t sure what to do, he wasn’t even sure what just happened. He hesitated at first, but followed the path she had taken down the short hallway to stand in front of the door. 

He tried to listen, but couldn’t hear much on the other side. Another minute passed before he talked himself into slowly pushing the door open to peer inside. He pushed the door open all the way as he saw Gwen faced away from him, curled up on the fetal position on the bed.

He made his way forward, into the room. He didn’t wait for an invitation and climbed under the covers with her, his arm hooking around her waist to bring her into him as the perfect little spoon. He moved the blonde locks out of her face and placed a kiss on her cheek to let her know he was there.

“ _Sorry_ ,” she whispered again, shutting her eyes. 

“There’s no apologies needed between us, sweet girl,” he mumbled lowly. “Did I say something wrong?”

Gwen rolled slightly onto her back to look up at him, her fingers swiping under her eyes. “What? No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” she breathed. “I just…” she exhaled, her eyes going to the ceiling for a moment. “I’ve been trying not to think about everything and it just came out of nowhere and hit me all at once.” She paused. “I didn’t mean to get like this.”

“Come ‘ere,” he said, only a moment before he leaned down and pressed his lips on hers.

She exhaled as soon as their lips parted, and offered him a small smile before she turned into him and cuddled up to him instead. He held her closely and felt her relax a few moments later into his arms.

“Don’t run away from me when you get upset,” Blake said after kissing the top of her head. “I want to help. I want to be there for you.”

“Habit,” she whispered. “Most guys _want_ to be spared the waterworks.”

“Not _this_ guy,” he responded.

Her eyes went up to his and she nodded once. “Okay, I hear you.”

Blake kissed the top of her head again, the arm wrapped around her body tapped her gently. “Sit up with me for a second, I have an idea.”

He shifted to sit up fully, with Gwen doing so right next to him. She extended her legs in front of her as she watched him curiously. He jumped up and off the bed, moving to a desk drawer nearby where he grabbed a pen and notebook, and came back to her. Blake moved back onto the bed and shifted to sit behind her, pulling her close as both of his arms went around her and he kissed her cheek. He handed her the notebook and pen, his chin resting on her shoulder, his hands caressing her arms. 

“What’s this for?” She asked, looking back and up to him.

“Remember how I told you that as soon as you shake all of the toxic crap from your life, that you were going to have a lot of room to fill?”

She nodded, still wondering where he was going with this.

“I want you to start making a list,” he began. “Things you need to figure out. Things you want to do. What your life is going to look like - everything you have to live for, things that make you happy.”

Gwen cringed a little. “I don’t know…”

“Just try it,” he encouraged her.

She looked back to the blank paper in front of her and thought for a moment. She sighed, and reached forward to start to write.

_1\. Apollo/Custody Arrangement_  
_2\. Coping Mechanisms/Triggers_

She glanced up briefly to him before she put pen to paper on the next one.

_3\. Blake_

“I like that one,” he whispered in her ear just before he pecked another kiss on the side of her head.

_4\. Another Solo Album_  
_5\. Restraining Order_

“I hope _that_ one isn’t about me,” he teased.

“Dean,” she clarified with a soft giggle.

“Good idea,” he conceded. 

_6\. Winning **The Voice**_

“Mmm…don’t get your hopes up on that one. My team is going for the gold this year, you don’t have a chance.”

She whipped her head back to look at him. “You wish, Shelton.” Her attention went back to the notebook in front of her as Blake’s arms squeezed around her again.

_7\. More fresh air/sunsets_  
_8\. Family and friends_  
_9\. Fix relationship with Pharrell_  
_10\. Long term living arrangements_  
_11\. Learn how to love_

Gwen gently placed the pen down and exhaled on the last one, and the air was suddenly quiet between them. 

“That’s all I can think of for now,” she said gently.

Blake gestured to the pen. “May I?”

She nodded and picked it up, handing it to him with the notebook. He scribbled something, soon handing both back to Gwen. Their eyes met and she was almost afraid to look down at the paper, but forced herself to do so. 

He wrote directly under the last point, adding another:

_12\. Learn how to let myself be loved_

She blinked a few times before she looked up to him, and she was only met with pure warmth in his eyes.

“Yeah, I could stand to work on that,” she whispered. 

He reached down and took the notebook and pen, setting it aside on the nightstand. Blake shifted and turned them both to lay on their sides, Gwen once again the little spoon as he held his arms around her and cuddled her close.

“No time like the present to start,” he said gently, placing another kiss on her cheek before a comfortable silence fell once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I needed to give you a tiny little break from full on angst, eh? 
> 
> Haha. As always, let me know what you think ❤️ Thank you for all of the love!


	16. Give It To Me Straight When You Smooth Operate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the best reading experience, go ahead and give the first chapter of this story another quick read through. I won't spoil the 'why', but it will be worth it ❤️

It was becoming a common occurrence lately - Blake seemed to like keeping her on her toes. 

She bit her lip in anticipation as she looked out the truck window - unsure of their destination once again, but at this point she had trusted Blake so much to blindly take her places, it didn’t much faze her anymore. 

She had to admit _this_ request, however, had some rather strange elements to it. The moment he told her to pack an overnight bag sent her mind racing. At that point, she couldn’t blame him if he was done with her and dropping her off at the looney bin, but the second part of the request quelled any fears of getting dropped off in a place like that. He told her they would be near water, so a bathing suit was a good idea. He had hoisted his own overnight bag over his shoulder as she took hers to the truck, so at least for now, there was some guarantee that this was all going to be okay.

So there she was - sitting anxiously in the front seat of the truck, a tribal print bikini covered up by cutoff denim shorts and a kimono style beach cover up hanging loosely from her shoulders. Her oversized dark sunglasses were perched high on her nose. Gwen only glanced over at him when the curiosity got to be too much after they had been in the car for over an hour.

“Are we going to Mexico or something?” She laughed once, but was half serious as they weren’t super far away from the border. 

He chuckled in response, his eyes still on the road. “Promise we’re staying in this country,” he responded.

“I’m getting a little anxious,” she admitted suddenly, settling back in the seat. 

His hand crossed over the center console and rested on her leg. “No need to be. I’ve got you.”

“You have to admit some of your trips aren’t exactly the definition of _fun_ ,” she said sweetly.

“You’re going to like this one,” he promised her. “And not like the last one when I said you’d like it eventually. I think you’re going to like it immediately.”

Gwen hummed, her eyes going back out the window. She moved her hand to lay on top of his, lacing their fingers together. 

It wasn’t until about thirty minutes later that she started getting suspicious once she saw a few _particular_ city signs that Blake was following to the letter. They had a mutually familiar city name on them - San Diego.

“You’re still not going to give me any hints?” She asked one more time, glancing over to him.

“Mmm…I think you’ll figure it out on your own soon enough,” Blake said with a grin. 

“Don’t hold your breath, I’m blonde,” she reminded him. 

He chuckled again, but wouldn’t budge further. 

It was another twenty minutes or so before Gwen sat up in her seat abruptly, attention fully forward as her eyes rested upon the Coronado Bridge. She glanced back to Blake.

“Are we driving on any bridges?” she asked, eyebrow raised. 

Blake grinned and shrugged. “We might be.”

“ _Blake_ …”

He laughed a little and shook his head. “A bridge is involved, yes.”

Gwen turned her entire body to face him, both of her hands moving to rest on his arm as she looked at him. Blake pulled up to a stoplight and returned the glance when it was safe to do so.

“You’re taking me back to Coronado,” she almost whispered, this wistful look in her eyes. She was overwhelmed, taken aback - just shocked that he went so far out of his way to drive them down here. He picked one of her hands up and kissed the back of it.

“Is that okay with you?” he asked gently. “Figured it’s where we met - maybe we could make a few memories to replace the bad ones.”

All she could do was nod as she tried not to get emotional. Blake held onto her hand even as his eyes went back to the road as the sign turned green, and a few moments later they were driving over the long, curved bridge.

“They weren’t _all_ bad memories,” she corrected him gently. 

He squeezed her hand gently as the rode in silence, her gaze going out the window again as she looked down into the water. Moments later they were on the island, and Blake pulled into a small side parking lot with beach access, right up to the curb. She looked to Blake, a bit confused. 

“Now’s the part where you trust me a little,” he said with a small grin. Blake nodded his head forward out towards the coast. “I’m going to go check in. I have a surprise for you, and for it to happen, I need you to go sit at our beachside bar - it’s right there.”

Gwen glanced over to where he pointed, feeling butterflies in her stomach just over the simple gesture of him referring to it as _their_ beachside bar. She looked back to him.

“ _But_ ,” he added quickly. “Only if you’re comfortable. I won’t be long.”

“I’m fine,” she nodded, her gaze going to their hands as she let her fingers glide over his. “I don’t _want_ to drink. I’ll be okay.”

His lips pressed against hers and they both smiled, soon he gently pat her thigh and motioned over to the beach again. “Go on now, I’ll be out there soon.”

She sighed a little as the anticipation was getting the best of her, but still complied as she soon kicked off her sandals and walked barefoot in the sand, down to the little beachside bar they had first met at. It was early evening, strangely enough it was awfully close to the time of day they had met each other, too. The barstool she met him on was empty, and soon she was sliding into it was ease, taking in her surroundings.

Only a few moments passed before the bartender brought over a large strawberry daiquiri, sliding it in front of her. 

Her postured straightened a little as she panicked at first, sliding the drink back to the bartender.

“Oh no, I’m not drinking tonight,” she said, glancing around to make sure that Blake wasn’t nearby. She would literally die if Blake saw this right now, thinking that she had ordered something. 

“It’s virgin,” the bartended responded. “Mr. Shelton asked for it to be prepared just for you.”

She might have caught that possibility earlier, realizing it was even the same drink they had together that night. A small smile came across her lips as she brought the drink back in front of her, and began to sip on it slowly. 

She got lost in her head as her gaze went to the waves crashing against the shore, the salt air possessing the kind of calming effect that it always had for her. 

“Is this seat taken?”

She heard Blake’s voice and looked back at him curiously as he pretended not to know her. It took her a minute to realize what he was doing, and she had to hold back a laugh once she realized he had changed into one of those god awful Hawaiian shirts again - actually, exactly like the one he had on that night. 

“I’m not sure,” she said, tilting her head to the side as she looked at him. “Takes a brave man to occupy the seat next to me.”

Blake hummed, and nodded. “I think I can handle it,” he responded. 

“Then by all means, it’s yours.”

Blake flashed a grin, taking the seat next to her. Gwen’s lips went back to the straw to take another sip, but she kept an eye on him from the corner of her eye.

“I’ll have what she’s having,” Blake motioned to the bartender. 

Gwen couldn’t help but giggle as she recited the same line she gave him that first night. “Do you always rely on a stranger for your drink orders?” she teased.

“Just the beautiful ones that you can’t tear your eyes away from,” he responded. He smiled at her as their gazes locked, and she had to look away as soon as she felt her cheeks flushing. 

“I’m Blake,” he said next, extending his hand forward to her. She took it, holding it and his gaze for a few moments before responding.

“Gwen,” she answered with a small smile. 

“Gwen,” Blake repeated. “Of course, a beautiful name for a beautiful woman.” He paused, and tilted his head to the side. “You look familiar, Gwen.”

She shrugged lightly. “I get that sometimes.”

Blake hummed, and offered a small smile. “So Gwen, hit me with it straight. Did you come here with a boyfriend, or am I the luckiest guy in the world?”

She chuckled softly at his boldness as she contemplated how to answer. 

“I came alone,” she responded, her eyes flashing down to his hand. “And by the lack of wedding ring on your hand, I’d venture the same is true for you.” She paused. “But it wasn’t always that way, was it?”

“Observant little thing, you are,” Blake replied, clearly amused. “Why do you think it used to be different?”

Gwen reached over and picked up his hand that would traditionally be the one for a wedding band, placing it palm down on her skin, just above her knee. Her finger traced along the finger where it would have been, her eyes focused on it until she glanced up to him. “The faint farmer’s tan around where it used to be was the giveaway,” a sly smile came to her lips. “Plus, matches your accent.”

Their eyes locked again, and he was almost unable to think in those moments. He really could just stare at her all night, but he was also having too much fun to give up so easily.

“Do you like my accent, darlin’?” Blake grinned, not taking his eyes away from her.

She was fighting for her own composure in those moments. His hand was still resting delicately on top of her leg, and his gaze wasn’t letting her off easy. She bit her bottom lip, and before she could get a word out, his hand turned on her leg - taking hers to bring it up to his lips. He placed a kiss right on top.

“I’ll take that as a _yes_ ,” Blake chuckled, shaking his head a bit. He glanced back at her. “You still didn’t answer my question, though.”

“What?” She inquired softly, not meaning it to come off so gentle.

“Is there some idiot schmuck that let you out of their sight tonight that I’m going to have to battle later for a chance to spend the evening with you?”

Gwen couldn’t help but laugh again, and just shook her head. 

“Nobody like that,” she said gently. “Worst I’ve got is an ex-husband that probably wouldn’t care if I fell into a ditch, so I think you’re good.”

“Well, maybe later we’ll have to go throw _him_ in a ditch,” Blake quipped. “Because yeah, he’s a fucking idiot.”

She took another sip and glanced over to him casually. “How do you know? I could be a total nightmare, you know.”

“I have a good sense about people,” Blake responded, his eyes steady on her.

Gwen playfully rolled her eyes and couldn’t help but laugh. She was touched, really, that he remembered so much about their first encounter - their conversation was really a long, private joke between the two of them, patrons around them none the wiser.

The sun was rapidly setting as the beach was soon illuminated by tiki torches and lights. Gwen sipped on her drink until it was gone, and glanced over at Blake, who had somehow managed to move physically closer to her throughout their conversation.

“Walk on the beach with me?” She inquired, looking at him curiously.

The grin that lit up his face was contagious. “I’d have to be an idiot to say no that,” he responded, which caused both of them to laugh. They both stood from their respective barstool chairs, walking off the small platform and into the sand.

Gwen kicked her sandals off and picked them up, and to her surprise, Blake’s arm went around her shoulders as they began to walk. Her arm slid and secured around his waist, hugging onto him a bit at first as they began to stroll together. 

“You went through all of this…for me…” she said softly, breaking the charade between them for a moment.

His hand caressed down her arm as he held her close. “Dumb idea?” He asked sheepishly. 

She stopped suddenly, which caused him to also do so. She shifted her position, coming in front of him, both arms around his waist as she held him close to her. A small smile came to her face as she reached one hand up to rest on his neck. 

“ _Adorable_ idea,” she breathed. “Thoughtful. Magical. Brilliant.” 

He grinned again, and she swore to god that one day his grin might kill her. 

She let her other hand glide up his chest, so now that both of her arms were around his neck. “I have a question, though.”

His hands both moved and held onto her waist, tugging her in just a bit more so their bodies were fully in contact. 

“Anything,” he breathed, realizing the tables had turned and now her gaze wasn’t the one that was exactly going easy on _him_.

“How much… _re-creating_ …are we going to do, exactly?”

Blake inhaled sharply at the boldness of her question. 

“How much do you want to do?” He turned his response back on her as a question, physically having to restrain himself in those moments as he watched her bite her bottom lip again. 

She pondered a few moments, not daring to break their eye contact. She thought back to how she ended up in his room that first night, and feeling like she'd rather skip falling into the ocean again, she cut right to the chase.

“ _I think I need a towel_ ,” she emphasized.

“Are you wet?” Blake asked, not even thinking about it. When Gwen just started laughing and burying her face into his chest, it dawned on him what he had just said, and he started laughing along with her.

“ _You have no idea…_ ,” she responded eventually, looking up to him.

He seemed to stutter a moment before he could get something out, _anything_ out.

“I..well I have a lot of towels,” Blake said, then chuckled once. “In my room, I mean, I have a lot of towels in my room, I always ask for more towels, never can have enough towels…” He glanced to one of the nearby beach front villas, nodding towards it. “They soak up water and, uh, you can have _any_ of my towels. All of them, if you want. All yours. Free of charge.”

Gwen hummed and giggled at his sudden word vomit about towels, unable to hide the amused smile on her face. “They _soak up water_ , do they?” she responded with a small laugh. “Well, that’s quite a good deal.”

“It really is,” he agreed, with a feverish nod. “I’m not sure you’re going to get much of a better offer tonight when it comes to uh, _bath linens_.”

God, she couldn’t help it, she was laughing so hard now. The way he was still nervous around her after all this time. How he was so thoughtful, it literally killed her.

“Maybe you should show me all of these _towels_ before you start trying to sell me on your mini toiletries in the bathroom,” she teased.

“Oh, I have those too,” he remarked with a grin, his hand reaching down to take hers. He tugged her along, walking backwards to face her as she walked forward with him, unable to tear his eyes away from the big smile on her face. “I will say though, I definitely don’t have any lotions. This place is so fancy, pretty sure I have mini _body butters_ instead, but these you could even put on toast…”

Gwen started laughing again, shaking her head and scrunching her nose up as she continued to follow him. “You literally have _no idea_ how _any_ of this works,” she managed, feeling as if she might cry from laughing so hard at this point. 

Blake’s eyebrows raised as he stopped abruptly, causing Gwen to run into him. His arms caught her, and their gazes seem to lock permanently onto one another by then. 

His fingers massaged lightly against the small of her back as he spoke. “Wanna show me how it works?”

Her bottom lip felt heavy as she couldn’t move for the proceeding moments. Her gaze briefly went from his eyes to his lips, and she pressed up onto her toes as she made the bold move to kiss him gently. Blake’s arms held tighter around her as he returned the kiss, moaning softly as their lips broke contact.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he whispered with an exhale, soon letting his grip soften and lower her back to the ground.

She loved how he let her see the effect she had on him. Gwen nudged into him gently, her eyes moving briefly to the villa, prompting him. He groaned slightly as he peeled his body away, taking her hand again as he suddenly felt more motivated to get them back to the room.

He stepped to the side and allowed her to walk up the small set of stairs first, unable to keep his hands off of her as soon as they were at the top, walking and making it to the front door moments later. His hands snaked around her body from the back as he kissed her neck, and all she could do was sigh and moan slightly as she let him take her. She let him hold her where he wanted her, his hands had full access and smoothed across her body. Her forehead leaned into the glass sliding door in front of them.

“ _Fuck_ ,” she breathed, now that it was her turn to do so.

He turned her around, pressing her back up against the glass, seemingly forgetting they were a mere five seconds from being next to an actual bed. He kissed her hard, then her head snapped back as he moved the cover up out of his way for access to her neck again. He gently worked his leg in and up in between hers, applying gentle pressure against her center through her shorts that he had a feeling would still have an effect on her. She kissed him even more aggressively in response, feeling like at any moment she would start to climb him like a tree.

Blake’s hand held a keycard out quickly and swiped, allowing him access to pull the sliding door back for them to retreat to the privacy of the villa. Feeling Gwen against him the way he did indicated that they were quickly about to lose control, and that was a show that he kept reserved all to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeahhhhh, sorry I just left it there like that, it was getting pretty long, but like Blake my favorite thing sometimes is to tease you to keep coming back for more 😉
> 
> Thank you for all the love and feedback, please keep it coming! ❤️


	17. Gonna Work For You All Night, Yeah

She walked forward into the villa, the familiarity of it hitting her immediately, though there were a few subtle differences. Her eyes glanced over the candles lit in the room, providing just enough illumination to not have to use any of the harsher lights in the room to see. She inhaled softly, smelling lavender. Her racing heart was returning to normal as reality began to settle in.

The sliding door closed shut and she heard Blake turn the lock behind her, and she let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in as she made her way across part of the room. She was feeling a mix of emotions, and was having trouble keeping herself composed - despite a few more inhales of the lavender that was lingering in the air.

The flirtatious, touchy, _needy_ Gwen of only moments prior seemed to disappear. 

Blake took a seat at the end of the bed casually, his eyes falling back to her even as she was turned away from him. He felt the change in the room, and he knew to proceed with caution until he could pinpoint it.

“Come ‘ere,” Blake said softly, not moving his gaze. Gwen exhaled again and turned to face him, a bit taken aback as she realized he had already ditched his shirt. Not that she minded at _all_. 

She offered him a small smile as he sat there in just his swim trunks, soon walking forward to close the distance between them. Though there was a moment she seemed to contemplate and pause, she took a seat next to him, close enough for their thighs to be touching. 

“It’s beautiful,” she responded at the same low volume, gesturing to all of the set up in the room between the candles strewn about.

“ _You’re_ beautiful,” he emphasized, then paused a moment before finishing his thought. “And a little off all of a sudden. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

She shook her head once. “I’m good,” she stated plainly. 

“Gwen, we don’t have to do anything,” Blake said in response, sliding his arm around her back, his hand resting on her opposite hip. “If it’s too much pressure, I’m sorry.”

“The pressure isn’t you,” she whispered. “God, it’s actually so stupid.”

Blake kept quiet when she exhaled, just holding her for a few minutes. She soon turned to look up to him, a tentative look on her face.

“I haven’t slept with someone… _sober_ ,” she whispered. “And this is exactly why. I get anxious.” She sighed in frustration. “I _do_ want to, though. With you, _tonight_.”

Blake hummed, not immediately responding. 

Gwen chuckled once and shook her head. “I realize I’ve been pining after you for weeks to get to this point and now I can’t even…” She sighed as she didn’t finish her thought, and it shifted suddenly to a new one. “What if I suck?”

“Selfishly, I hope you do…”

Gwen turned her gaze up to him a bit confused, and Blake couldn’t contain himself and started to laugh. The double meaning hit her suddenly and she couldn’t help but start to laugh softly along with him.

“To clarify, I only said that to try and make you laugh,” he added, kissing the top of her forehead. “There’s no pressure for _anything_ , I mean it. We’re in no rush.”

“It worked,” she replied softly, a small smile still pronounced on her face. She hesitated a moment, and moved forward to press her lips against his.

Blake’s arm pulled her gently closer to him, returning the kiss, maintaining the slow and steady nature of the rhythm despite his inner feeling of wanting to do so much more. When their lips broke contact, he kissed her cheek, then trailed a few more nearby. She let herself close her eyes, tilting her head back to allow him more access to her skin.

“Come ‘ere,” he mumbled against her skin a few moments later, and Gwen’s eyes opened and went to his. Blake moved further onto the bed, crawling and turning until his back was against the headboard. She copied him a moment later after shrugging her shorts off, leaving her in the bikini and loose kimono cover up. She crawled over to him, letting him pull her back to sit in between his legs, her back hovering near his chest. 

His hands rested on her upper arms as he came from the side to kiss her on the neck - she arched slightly, opening her neck to him again, sighing as her eyes closed once more. 

Both of his hands drew up to her shoulders, and he gently tugged the sheer kimono cover up down her arms, ditching it to the side to leave her just in her bikini. His hands moved slowly back up to her shoulders as he began to knead and massage. Gwen was preoccupied, focused on his continuous kisses up and down her neck, letting a soft moan escape as he kissed along the back and to the other side to continue.

His finger drew down, tugging gently at the bikini string tied at her mid-back.

“May I?” he asked permission in between soft kisses.

“ _Please_ ,” she insisted breathlessly. He pulled the tie apart at her back, soon followed by the one around her neck. Gwen was only half aware when the top fell in her lap, and frankly, she didn’t care _where_ it was in those moments.

Blake gave her a break from the kissing, moving both hands up to the top of her shoulders to continue the massage he had started before. His fingers gently kneaded into her skin, and her body seemed to slowly melt and comply with his touch. 

She turned slightly to look up to him, and didn’t hesitate to reach her hand up to the back of his neck and tug him closer to kiss him again. 

It was like a switch turned on; it was only a few kisses later that she turned fully, pulling herself up to straddle and sit in his lap, her kisses growing hungry - _needy_. Her arms were both fully around his neck, his hands holding her bare waist on each side. Blake pulled himself back as he leaned her back to allow himself to dip down, taking one of her nipples into his mouth, teasing and lightly sucking.

She inhaled sharply as her grip on him tightened, and once again as he moved to show the other the same attention. 

“I’m going to need _two_ towels,” she said softly, her hands gripping him tighter as he worked between both erect nipples. The vibration from his low chuckle was even more tantalizing against her skin, and she already felt like she was going to explode. “ _Blaaaake_ ,” she groaned loudly in frustration, causing him to release her from his mouth, his lips against hers once more.

“Just wantin’ to make sure you’re extra relaxed,” he said sweetly.

“ _Relaxed_ is not the word I would have picked,” she leaned forwarded and tightened her grip to kiss him again. His hands moved to her lower hips, his fingers hooking and tugging at the sides of the small piece of fabric still covering her. She gasped as she felt two of his fingers dip inside, teasingly brushing against her center. 

“You’re right, you might need two towels,” he said cockily, but she couldn’t have been any more turned on by it. “But I can do better.”

She was losing her composure - the way he was touching, teasing, _taunting_ her now. She already knew the tension between them had built up so much overtime, that she wouldn’t be able to withstand this for long. He must have also known that, as she caught a small gasp in the back of her throat as she found herself now on her back, Blake lowering himself in between her legs, a moment later his lips back on hers.

He had her arms pinned on each side, his hands in hers, their fingers intertwined as he held her against the mattress and continued to kiss her. She couldn’t get enough, and only realized the position she was in when she tried to move, her hands wanting to desperately remove the one article of clothing he still had on - those damned swim trunks. 

“A little fiesty, are we?” he mumbled in her ear with a small laugh, before kissing her again. 

“I want these off,” she whispered back, gently bucking her hips up into his groin. 

“Yours or mine?” he asked in between kisses.

“Both,” she exhaled. “But mostly yours.”

“I’m not in a rush. Are you in a rush?”

“It’s not about being in a rush…”

“What is it about then?”

“Fuck, you’re killing me right now,” she whined. “And you’re enjoying it.”

“I love watching you react to me,” he admitted, and moved his lips from her lips suddenly down to one of her nipples, taking it into his mouth again. It was unexpected and she gasped, her legs tightening more around him in desperation. “Mmm…just like that,” he said, as he switched to the other.

“Do you want me to beg, is that it?” She asked as she bit her lip, her body writhing underneath him.

He swirled his tongue once more around her nipple before releasing it, and slowly began to kiss down her stomach. “It could help your case,” he said nonchalantly, with a shrug. “No guarantees, though. I’m pretty stubborn sometimes.” His lips ran across the top hem of the fabric of her bikini bottoms, his fingers teasingly hooking and gently tugging at the sides again. 

“ _Please Blake_ ,” she managed, her eyes closing tightly as she moved underneath him. 

His eyes flashed up to look at her as his teeth tugged the fabric a little, but didn’t move it. “That was a little weak, don’t you think?” He ran his tongue slowly along the edge, just where the fabric met the top of her thigh.

“It’s…it’s all I can manage,” the breathless, whiny words fell from her lips without a second thought. “I _need_ …”

Her words fell off abruptly, and his eyes stayed on her. “What do you need, sweet girl?”

She whined and groaned as as her body jerked under him again, fighting his hold of her lower body a bit more aggressively, trying to find a little relief. 

“That’s no way to get what you want,” he teased her, kissing her inner thigh with a small grin. “You have to be still, sweet girl. I can’t strip you naked if you’re moving all over the place.”

Gwen let out a labored breath as her hands grabbed and fisted the sheets below her, trying to play his game. He kept his eyes on her as he planted small kisses, but hers were alternating between staying closed or concentrating on the ceiling. He shifted below her and the kisses stopped, which prompted her to glance down to see what he was doing. He stood up on his knees, shimmying his own swim trunks off, ditching them to the side. He caught her staring at his hard member almost immediately, and she shyly averted her eyes to the side, before back up to him. 

She propped herself up on her elbows, one hand reaching forward for him. Before she could clutch him in her hand, Blake gently pushed her back to lay down again with a swift shake of his head. 

She exhaled again in frustration as he started to use it to tease her, pressing it against her center as his hand held her against the mattress. 

“Imagine the fun we could have if there wasn’t anything in the way,” she huffed in annoyance.

“You’re not having fun?” he asked with a grin. “I think you are. Your nipples are hard, you can’t stay still, and even through a _bathing suit_ , you’re so wet that I feel it without even taking them off.”

“ _Fuck_ ,” she inhaled again, her lower half writing underneath him. “You already have me so close just like this…” Her eyes shut tight again as she bucked up into him, moaning as her body was begging for more. “Blake, I’m so ready for you. I’ve wanted this for so long. _Please_ …”

She was shocked when those must have been the magic words, as he soon pulled himself back, thumbs hooking on the sides of the fabric. He pulled up and Gwen brought her legs together to help him get them off, soon they were thrown to the side and Blake was spreading her legs wider and didn’t even warn her before he pushed inside of her.

The initial push was a shock as she gasped and moaned, and he slowed his pace slightly until he was all the way in. He didn’t wait for further permission nor reaction as he quickly drummed up a rhythm, pushing in and pulling out. He ducked his head down and interrupted her labored breathing with a deep kiss.

“I’m not going to last long,” she warned him with a slight groan.

“Fuck, I’m not either,” Blake admitted.

She moved up and kissed him deeply, her arms going around his neck. “ _God_ you feel so fucking good,” she exhaled sharply and gasped, her arms tightening around him more. “I’m almost there, please, I want you to make me come.”

“I know you are, your thighs are shaking, sweet girl,” he said gently as he thrust harder and a little faster. A few more thrusts and she gasped and moaned loudly as her hips bucked up into him, which was truly the final trigger he needed for himself to ride out an orgasm along with her. 

He collapsed next to her moments later to also try to catch his breath.

“That felt like two,” she exhaled and giggled. “Is that even physically _possible_?”

Blake just chuckled softly as he laid on his stomach, still not fully present as he tried to recover. His eyes only opened when he felt Gwen slap his ass.

“That was _mean_ ,” she grumbled, turning her body to face his. “ _All this time_ I’ve waited and you wanted to _take your time_.”

His eyes closed again as he just grinned at her. “Maybe I need to frustrate you more often.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

He shrugged and gave her a grin, his arm reaching out and tugging her body into his.

“Kinda have to admit, I _like_ bossy Blake,” she murmured, just before kissing him again. 

“Do you now?” He responded curiously, returning the kiss. “I was going easy on you. I can be _really_ bossy.” He grinned, and kissed her again. “And damn, I could watch you squirm under me all night…”

“Mmmm,” Gwen hummed, keeping his eye contact as she stealthily let her hand slide down between their bodies. “I hope you’d do a lot more than just _watch me squirm_ though.” She took his length into her hand and began to work him, causing him to groan.

“Careful, I’ve got you under my control again,” he said as he tightened his grip on her, a hint of frustration in his voice even as he was enjoying the stimulation. “And I’ve got a _lot_ of ways in mind to torture you, sweet girl.”

“What are you waiting for, then,” she said boldly, before pressing her lips against his. “Do your _worst_.”

———

Her eyes opened slowly, taking in her surroundings.

She was dazed at first, not able to place the sheets against her body or the artwork hanging on the wall. She pushed herself up to prop on her elbows, and looked to the bed next to her.

Empty. 

Her eyes glanced over to the bay window that had a beautiful view of the ocean. A view that triggered a memory deep within her, one that she thought she had gotten rid of.

“Blake?” her voice called out, a hint of worry and hesitation apparent. She swallowed harshly and sat up fully, tugging the sheet tighter in the front around her naked body. 

She blinked a few times as her eyes looked around the room, visually searching for her phone. That might have actually made things worse, as she realized she only saw her clothes from the night before thrown about. 

She told herself it was stupid, but her eyes did another full scan. She didn’t see _one_ thing that belonged to Blake. She told herself it was impossible, but being in that room, waking up alone like that, she was unprepared for the emotional response that came over her in those moments. There’s _no way_ he brought her down here to just leave her like that.

Right?

Maybe he was finally tired of her. Maybe he decided she came with too much baggage. Maybe she actually was terrible at sex and it was so bad, he didn’t even know how to tell her. Maybe he was regretting everything. Maybe she treated him so bad, he was down at the bar drinking. 

The sound of a keycard sliding into the door brought her attention to the front, her first instinct immediately going to the worst case scenario that it was just housekeeping or something. She clung a little tighter to the bed sheets around her body, her eyes staring hollowly at the small hallway, her mouth slightly agape, as she waited to see who it was. 

Blake emerged and flashed her a grin. He was carrying a tray of some kind, but it was covered up and she couldn’t see anything. Her eyes followed him as he walked to the bedside, setting the tray on the nightstand. 

“Mornin’, sweet girl.” Before he could even smile down at her or say anything else, she spoke up.

“ _Where’s your suitcase?_ ” 

It was accusatory, a small way to lash out as she felt her face was giving her away anyways - she was visibly upset. Blake’s face turned from content to concerned, and he took a seat on the side of the bed, bracing his arm on the other side of her as he looked her in the eye.

“In the closet,” he answered. “Why, do you need something from it?”

She cast her eyes down to her lap, shutting them tight and forcing an exhale. 

“Don’t do that again,” she sniffled and her finger swiped under her eye. “You _can’t_ do that to me.”

“Do what?” His voice was growing more concerned.

“Okay maybe it sounds really stupid now, but I thought you left,” she exhaled. “And, and I couldn’t even see anything in this room that belonged to you so I didn’t know what to think.”

Blake blinked a few times. It never dawned on him that his master plan to sneak out and do something special for her would have backfired like that, but fuck, he felt like an idiot. Their first go around in San Diego came flooding back to him. 

“Sweet girl,” he said sadly. “Damnit, I wasn’t even thinking, I shouldn’t have left before you woke up.” He sighed, and reached out a hand to her cheek. “Do you forgive me?”

She nodded but didn’t move her gaze up to him. He moved closer to her and beckoned her, placing a soft kiss on her lips. Unexpectedly she moved forward, both arms around him tightly as she clung to him. His arms did the same, gently rubbing down her bare back.

“I just got scared, I feel dumb,” she whispered, and kissed his neck before clinging tighter.

“I’m never going to leave you, Gwen,” Blake promised.

“Good, you better not,” she hugged him a bit tighter for a few moments before letting him go, letting her head linger and lean gently against him for a while. She glanced over to the tray sitting on the nightstand. “What’s all of this?”

“Breakfast,” he said, kissing the side of her head. “I thought about taking you down to the beachside restaurant, but then realized you would have to put clothes on for that, and I didn’t want you to have to go through all of that trouble.”

She giggled softly and shook her head. “I _am_ still pretty naked under these sheets,” she admitted. “But if I have to eat naked, _you_ have to eat naked too, cowboy.”

“I can do that,” he said immediately, suddenly jumping up and off the bed. She laughed as he hurried around and jogged to the other side, managing to get his shirt off along the way and throwing it in Gwen’s face, pausing just as he got to the other side to ditch the rest of his clothes. He grinned as Gwen just continued to laugh, and he peeled back the covers once naked again and moved over next to her, pulling her back to lay down in his arms. 

He tugged and held her tightly, kissing her passionately.

“Mmm, that’s better than food,” she whispered, nibbling at his lower lip. He grinned and kissed her again, letting one of his hands slide and trail down her body teasingly. She kissed him back, and again, but soon placed her finger on his lips.

“Blake, Blake, Blake, hold on,” she exhaled, and he opened his eyes as he loosened up his grip on her body. “I need to say something.”

“Anything,” he encouraged her, and waited patiently as she seemed to struggle a bit.

“I wanted to say it last night. And a few times before that, if I’m honest, I just couldn’t. But then when I could, it just wasn’t the right time, and I didn’t want you to think I was saying it on accident, I didn’t want you to question it. But it needs to come out.”

He paused, allowing for a few moments of comfortable silence. “What is it?”

She exhaled sharply. “I admit that when I first met you, I really just wanted someone to take my mind off of _him_ ,” she said softly. “I just wanted you to fuck me. But there was _more_ there, and I started to get greedy. Even when I tried to hate you, I just wanted you to love me.” She forced another exhale. “ _I_ love you. And, _I love you too_.”

Gwen felt herself cringe internally as she cast her gaze down to his shirt, feeling completely vulnerable in those moments. It didn’t even matter that he had already said it to her first, she felt exposed and even a little nervous either way.

Blake’s face lit up with a grin as his arms tightened just a bit around her. “Really?”

“Of course I do,” she said softly. “It’s just something that’s been hard for me to say. To anyone, really. And nobody since… _him_.”

“And I don’t want you to ever feel pressured to say it,” he said, giving her a soft kiss. “But I’m kind of glad you said it, because I’ve been holding _so many_ of those back in the meantime.”

She offered him a smile, cuddling up just a bit closer to him in those moments. 

“If you feel like saying it again, though, I’m all ears,” he joked lightly.

Gwen’s tired eyes looked up to his with a smile. “I love you, Blake Shelton.”

“God, I love you too,” Blake responded immediately, having to kiss her again. 

“The name’s Gwen, but sure, if you wanna call me _God_ …”

It took him a second to get the joke, but they both started laughing together soon enough.

“Well darlin, I can’t lie, you make me feel things that are _otherworldly_ …”

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Cheese ball,” she poked at him.

Blake dipped down and his lips pressed against her neck. “You do love this cheese ball, though.”

Gwen hummed, eyes closing slightly as she arched her neck open slightly more. “Mmm, dunno, you might have to fuck me again to remind me,” she said breathlessly, a small grin playing across her lips.

Blake grunted, arms tightening around her again. “Yes _ma’am_ ,” he emphasized, just before his lips went from her neck to deeply kissing her lips. “Get those legs open for me. _Now_.”

His sudden demanding nature with her was such a turn on, she almost felt her cheeks flush as he made eye contact with her as he said those words. 

“Yes, sir,” she cooed submissively, shifting onto her back to comply with his demand. Her lips whispered in his ear next. “At your service.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My week literally went to hell, and I'm just thankful that I had most of this chapter written before that happened...or else I feel like it might have been longer for an update. Still kind of there, I'm just up in the middle of the night again and needed something to concentrate on so I finished this chapter. Not sure what the upcoming week is going to look like 💔
> 
> Thank you guys for the love and comments. Especially now, they are so helpful and make me feel less alone.
> 
> xoxo


	18. I'm in the mood, so make it last

She was immediately intrigued as soon as she laid her eyes on it - the large, crisp white cabana nestled right up on the shoreline. 

Blake squeezed her hand and she bit her lip, smiling at him as he looked back at her as their bare feet walked along the sand. She had managed to slip on a new bikini; this one was a leopard print top and solid back on the bottom. She had a feeling despite her lack of clothes, it still wouldn’t be good enough for them once they were no longer in the public eye. Blake was already shirtless, anyways. By the looks of it, the cabana seemed private as it was curtained off on three sides, opening only at the front which was quite close to the water.

As soon as Gwen walked to the front entrance, her knees went onto the large bed-like cushion and she crawled onto it. She giggled as she felt Blake grab her ass as soon as he came onto the cushion after her and she shifted her body towards him as they settled back together. Her hands drew up and rested at the back of his head as she pulled him forward for a long kiss.

Blake softly moaned as their lips intertwined, his hands immediately exploring her body. He let his finger trace teasingly along the hem of her bikini bottoms - up and over her hip, and down to her inner thigh. He retracted his hand and lips slightly once he heard footsteps outside the front, and his attention drew up to find a young server inconspicuously hovering at the door, gaze averted. He looked briefly to Gwen and Blake, realizing they were aware of his presence.

“Good afternoon, Mr. and Mrs. Shelton,” he cleared his throat, and turned to pick something up from a cart right behind him. Gwen’s mouth was slightly agape at the _Mrs. Shelton_ comment, but in the moment, felt it would do more harm than good in addressing it.

The server presented them a small tray of chocolate covered strawberries, nodding as Blake took them off his hands. The server turned back around to the cart, picking up two glasses and a bottle of champagne. “Compliments of Coronado, we hope you both are enjoying your stay.”

Gwen’s eyes went to the bottle and she felt a pang of anxiety suddenly as she watched the server set up the bottle in the cooler. Blake sat up abruptly in order to stop him.

“That’s incredibly nice of ya’ll, but please take the bottle and gift it to someone else in the resort for us,” Blake said kindly, slipping the young man a few bills as a gesture. “Can we just get some iced tea? We’re not drinking today.”

“Of course. My apologies, Mr. Shelton,” the server nodded. 

“No apologies needed at all, thank you.” Blake offered him a smile, and the server removed the champagne and went off to retrieve iced tea as a replacement.

Blake glanced back at Gwen before rolling back over toward her, laying back next to her. She leaned forward and softly pressed her lips against his.

“Thank you for handling that,” she said quietly. 

“Of course, baby girl,” he responded and kissed her again. 

“You must have cured me completely, I get really anxious when I see alcohol now.”

His arms tugged her in a bit closer as his eyes made contact with hers. “Oh?”

She nodded a little. “I don’t know why. But my first thought is wondering if you’re going to think I tried to order something and then you getting mad at me.” Gwen shrugged a little and dropped her gaze.

Blake hummed, considering for a few moments. “Have you always been this traumatized?”

Gwen didn’t have to answer that question as the server had returned, a tray with iced teas in hand. He set them on the opposite bedside table, then walked back to the entrance where he hovered to address them both. 

“If you need anything at all, my name is Harry,” he explained. “We do give our guests privacy in the cabanas, and there’s a call button on the side table should you need us.”

“Thank you, Harry,” Blake nodded, his eyes lingering as the young boy left them alone once more.

“I’m okay,” Gwen whispered, bringing Blake’s attention back to her. A small smile played on her features as she kissed him softly once more. 

Blake wasn’t going to let it go that easily, though. His hand held the side of her head as his gaze was in hers once again. 

“You do not need to be perfect for me,” he said genuinely, making sure she really heard those words. “If you went right now and got drunk at the beach bar - I mean, I would be _sad_. Disappointed. But I’m not planning on screaming at you about it. I just want _more_ for you.” He paused. “Also, I don’t want to say this and have it backfire, but you should know - there’s no _cure_. Alcohol is always going to be a dangerous coping mechanism for you that you need to actively choose not to engage in.”

She nodded, taking his words in. “Yeah, I guess that’s what I’m waiting for,” she almost whispered. “I feel like I’m waiting for something bad to happen. Like things just got to a good place with us and they’re too good, you know?”

“I get it,” he responded gently with a nod. Blake looked back to the small tray of strawberries, reaching for it and bringing it to settle on the cushion in between their bodies. “I hear strawberries are a magical cure for that, though.” 

He smiled and picked one up by the stem, and let it hover at her lips. Gwen’s eyes were locked on his as she opened her mouth to take a bite, laughing as bits of chocolate fell between them. One landed on top of one of her breasts, and Blake immediately lunged forward to lick it off, causing her to giggle.

“Mmm, I like this game,” Blake said with a chuckle, sitting popped up on his side again and flashing her a grin. Gwen’s eyes flashed to the half bitten strawberry still in-between his fingers, willing him to feed it to her again. He obliged, and she bit off a small bite which she was able to swallow quickly. Before his hand dropped, she took his finger into her mouth, swirling her tongue around it and sucking for a few moments before releasing it slowly.

“You’re right, this is a fun game,” she said coyly.

“Fuck,” Blake mumbled. “How is it you always manage to do that?”

“Do what?” she asked innocently, plucking another strawberry from the plate and putting the tip of it in her mouth as her eyes flashed back to him. 

He had to restrain himself as he looked back at her, getting suddenly distracted and even memorized watching her eat that strawberry. She could have sworn she heard a subtle grunt from under his breath, which only caused her to flash a larger smile at him. 

Gwen discarded the stem, and Blake’s hand moved forward towards her. His finger gently wiped at the corner of her lip where he saw a small bit of chocolate. She turned her lips and kissed his finger before he retracted it away, a moment later she was holding a strawberry up to his lips for him to eat. Blake grinned and took a large bite, their almost foolishly happy gazes stuck on each other in the otherwise silent, private room they were in.

“Is that what you mean?” she asked softly, her eyes flashing down to the _situation_ currently happening in his shorts.

“When are you gonna learn…” he groaned, with a shake of his head. “It’s hard to be around you and _not_ be affected by you.”

She grinned and cocked her head a bit, keeping his gaze a moment before she reached down to pick up the small plate of strawberries between them to hand over to him. “Might want to put these on the cart with the iced tea,” she suggested.

Blake took the tray from her, a small hint of confusion on his face as he bent back to place the tray where she instructed. As soon as he turned back to face her, Gwen’s hand went to his hip, tugging him closer to her, kissing him slowly.

She pulled back slightly, allowing her lips to hover less than an inch away from his. The hand on his hip traced the waistband of his swim trunks down to the front, and she placed another gentle kiss on his lips.

“Lay back,” she whispered. When he didn’t immediately oblige, she moved her body forward into his to prompt him again. He didn’t fight her, he was too shocked, and he was soon laying completely on his back, knees still in the air, his eyes looking up at her. She planted a small kiss on the top of his knee, before shifting her position to move in between his legs. Her fingers hooked on both sides of his waistband and shimmied them down and off of him completely. She repositioned herself - hip and body leaning into his inner thigh - and her eyes went to him, her hands greedily grabbing his erection.

She kept eye contact as she kissed the tip, teasing it quickly with the tip of her tongue.

“Blakey, it’s _your_ turn to keep quiet now,” she murmured between licks. Her doe eyes went to him again. “Can you do that for me, baby?”

Blake’s entire body was tense and he already wanted to explode; and there was something about Gwen being this _dominant_ that was going to make him feel incapacitated. 

She took him a bit further into her mouth, but just shy of halfway as her tongue stroked against his length and back up. She was just getting started, slowly sucking and playing with him like a lollipop, her eyes watching him and his reactions the entire time.

“Gwen, you’re…” Blake exhaled and groaned dramatically, closing his eyes tight briefly before opening them again. “You’re _killing_ me.”

A wry smile came her her lips. “ _Good_.” Her tongue glided back down as she took him into her mouth again and gradually began to establish a rhythm; albeit a slow and torturous one to start.

She kept her eyes on him as she went to work, visibly enjoying every second of it as she would occasionally keep eye contact with him. He was groaning and moaning, starting to fall apart like crumbs in her hand. 

“God yes,” he exhaled. “ _Fuck_.”

“Shh…” Gwen shushed him as a brief interruption to the rhythm her mouth was working him with, before accelerating it. Her hand gripped slightly tighter as it glided up and down the shaft, her mouth chasing it, _intensifying_ it. She caught something in his eye that indicated he was drawing closer to the edge, and she picked up the pace accordingly, exactly when she needed to. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Blake groaned again, and Gwen took it as encouragement. A gasp caught in the back of his throat as she worked him more intensely. Despite losing himself to the moment as soon as he began to come, his lips pressed tightly together as he at least _tried_ to keep his voice down, given where they were. 

Gwen slowly let him slide out of her mouth, and tilted her head to the side with a small smile as she watched his head finally rest as his body went to jelly. She reached over and snatched his swim trunks from the side, and took a few minutes to slowly shimmy them back up and onto him - just in case the waiter might come back, or someone else might see them. 

She crawled over to lay next to him, and his arms immediately wrapped around her and tugged her little-spoon style against his body. Blake nuzzled into her neck just before pecking a kiss there.

“ _I like bossy Gwen_ ,” he mumbled with a low chuckle into her hair.

She couldn’t help but giggle a little. “Oh do you, now?” She sighed softly. “She’s a little more difficult to get to come out and play.”

“Why?” he beckoned her. “She’s _hot_.”

Gwen turned slightly in his arms to face him. Blake’s eyes opened and made gentle contact with hers, offering her a slightly sleepy smile.

“Lack of experience, maybe,” she admitted somewhat shyly. 

Blake hummed, and thought about it for a moment. “Well, have you ever had the opportunity to really play out any of your fantasies?”

Gwen’s eyes widened slightly at the boldness of the question before laughing a bit awkwardly. “Fantasies?” She repeated, before her voice lowered. “I don’t think I really have _those_.”

“Everyone has _those_ ,” he quipped, with a soft laugh. “Come on, think about it. Tell me one.”

“Blake, I don’t know,” she almost whined.

“Mmm,” he responded. “Well I already know one. Something about…what did you call it, _Bossy Blake_?”

She sighed, and shook her head once. “You’re right about that one, I guess,” she admitted begrudgingly. 

He kissed the top of her forehead for reassurance. “So, tell me what you want _Bossy Blake_ to tell you to do.”

She felt a sudden spark of anticipation deep in her gut - just his inquiry, those words, brought her nerves to life. She moved forward slightly and kissed his lips, her hand resting gently on his cheek as she did so. She made eye contact with him again, as his eyes were encouraging her to speak. A tiny additional kiss on his lips later, she hovered close to him as she finally spoke.

“I like when you’re in charge,” she admitted softly. “I like feeling like you want me so bad, the only thing you can do is hold me down and take control.” Another soft kiss. “I like when you drive me insane, when you get my underwear so wet I’m afraid that’s not _all_ that’s wet.”

He groaned slightly as he processed her confession, not breaking eye contact. 

“A man in charge,” he repeated the sentiment in his own words. “One that tortures you a little. Mmm. I can do that.” He leaned forward and kissed her softly, before prompting her again. “Do you like a man in uniform?”

She giggled awkwardly. “Depends on the uniform.”

“You don’t strike me as a military girl…” Blake mused, eyeing her. 

“Cops have handcuffs,” she whispered before kissing him. “Could be fun.”

“ _Gwen Stefani_ , did you just ask me to role-play with you sometime dressed up as a cop?”

Her eyes widened slightly as she felt slightly called out in those moments. 

“What??” Her response had a sense of alarm to it. Did he think that was weird? Did she say something dumb? Blake started to chuckle as he watched her turn pale, putting her out of her misery by kissing her again.

“I agree, we could have a lot of fun with that,” he said with a grin. “Plus, we have experience now.”

“Experience?” She questioned. 

“You caught on pretty quick when I met you at the bar,” he reminded her. “We’re good at role-playing. Last night was… _hot_.”

A small, satisfied smile rested on her features as she looked back to him. “Yeah, it was,” she admitted quietly.

Blake shifted slightly and settled back, tugging Gwen closer to himself. “So now I just have to find a cop’s uniform,” he mused, which caused Gwen to start laughing.

“I mean you don’t _have to_ ,” she said, a bit unsure. 

He looked down and over to her, eyebrow raised. “Tell me something right now,” Blake said. “If I got dressed up like that and came up behind you and put you in handcuffs to take you to the bedroom, does that excite you?”

Despite the straightforwardness of his question, she was somehow able to keep her eyes on his. 

She swallowed before she could get the words out of her mouth. “It depends on what you plan on doing in the bedroom,” she said lowly.

He thought for a moment, his eyes flashing briefly to the side of the bed before going back to her.

“Do you want me to show you?”

Gwen’s mouth opened in surprise, as if she was going to say something but she couldn’t. Blake’s gaze was neutral and welcoming, and he was silent for the time being. He knew this was out of her element, and he didn’t want to put any pressure on her. A moment later even when she wasn’t able to say anything, she nodded _yes_.

The corners of his lips turned up into a smile, and he kissed her gently. Hovering for a moment, he whispered. “Roll over onto your side, facing away from me.”

She felt her heartbeat accelerating as she forced an exhale before complying with his request. Blake smiled and stretched to reach back behind him, pulling one of the large cloth napkins from the cart. His hand directed her to sit up, and he gently reached forward, pulling both of Gwens wrists together behind her back, tying and securing them with the cloth.

She was getting turned on so easily by this, and he had barely even touched her yet.

A second, folded cloth soon hovered in front of her eyes. Blake positioned it to cover her eyes, securing it at the back of her head.

Without the ability to see, she was surprised as she felt Blake’s lips on her neck.

“You alright, sweet girl?” He mumbled lowly against her skin.

“ _Yeah_ ,” she exhaled, not even trying to pretend this wasn’t having an effect on her.

“I’m going to lay you back down,” he explained gently. “I want you to let your mind go. Just enjoy it.”

She nodded, just before he helped her lay back down on her side. His hands didn’t leave her body, and he slowly began exploring her skin. He gently let his fingers move up and down her arm, then moving to her thigh and stomach. He let his hand trail up to her bikini top, one finger hooking the center of it and tugging at it playfully. He let his hand wander south, the same finger hooking into the fabric between her legs, also tugging at it playfully, which caused her to gasp.

“ _Naughty_ ,” he spoke into her ear as he let his finger unhook from the fabric to do a little more exploring. He gently traced his finger right along her center, and her body tensed. “There’s no way this happened in the last few minutes,” he spoke again, referring to the slickness that was now around his finger. “I think you’ve been doing a little _fantasizing_ in that head of yours. Tell me about it.”

“Just you,” she said breathlessly. “You do that to me.”

“Mmm,” he said, continuing to torture her. “Remember who’s in control right now. I have you tied up and blindfolded, you’re going to have to do what I say eventually.” He kissed her neck again and she sighed. “Tell me what you’re fantasizing about that got you this wet already.”

She sighed again, as she began to squirm slightly under his touch. 

“I’m not going to be wearing this bikini for long,” she sighed and almost whined, biting her lip. 

“You’re right about that,” Blake responded. “What do I take off first?”

She swallowed. “The top,” she almost whispered. “You always take off the top first, because you’re a tease.”

He kept his one hand slowly torturing her in between her legs while he let the other caress her back - a few tugs, and the top was loose. She whined as his hand left her center and drew up, slowly pulling the fabric away from her chest.

“You always torture me next,” she offered, a bit more shyly. 

“How?” He prompted, his hand swirling around her hip again.

“Nipples,” she exhaled. “Sometimes fingers, sometimes mou —“ 

She gasped as she couldn’t finish her sentence, as Blake’s head dipped down and took one of them into his mouth, as if on command before she could even say it. He moved between the two of them, and all Gwen could do was squirm slightly with what little freedom she had.

“I’m not sure I’d let you keep these on for this long,” Blake said next, tugging at the side of her bikini bottoms. 

“Depends on how much you want to torture me,” she replied with a smile, which was even more endearing as her eyes were covered by the makeshift blindfold. “But I think in this fantasy, you want them off. _Now._ And I think you’re not in the mood to really drag it out - I think you want to make me come.”

“Hmmm,” Blake considered a few moments, tugging once with enough force to get the bikini bottoms off and down her legs. “I guess it’s technically your fantasy, but you know how much I love to drag these things out.”

“Please?” Her sweet voice begged. “Just this once, Blakey?”

He chuckled and placed a kiss on the top of her hip, before angling himself and spreading her legs. She was far from disappointed as his tongue swiped her center, and he was building up momentum as she requested. 

Her breathing was harder as he worked her up even quicker.

“Now you have to make me come,” she strained her voice, moaning as her hands fisted in an attempt to find any relief possible. He didn’t respond and instead took the time to work faster; the way she arched her back towards him told him all he needed to know about how close she was. He continued determined, the small gasp soon heard in the back of her throat right before she was riding out her orgasm made him hard again without even trying. 

She felt his hands untying her wrists, a moment later the blindfold dropping from her eyes. Without a thought, her naked body curled up needily against Blake’s, clinging to him softly. He kissed the top of her head as he held her close. 

“That was just the preview,” he nudged her playfully. “Wait until we do that for real. It’ll be a surprise though, I can’t tell you when it might happen.”

“A surprise?” She laughed softly. “That might be difficult considering we’re under the same roof right now.” Her eyebrow raised slightly, but her eyes were still closed.

He reached over to the side of the lounger and tugged a towel up, draping it over her body when he felt a small shiver in her shoulder. 

“That just makes it easier,” he responded simply. “And the best part about it is that you’re going to be fantasizing about it until it happens. Wondering when it will happen, how it will happen, _what_ I’ll do to you…”

“…reliving _what_ just happened,” she added coyly. 

Blake hummed. “Yes,” he responded simply.

Her eyes opened and went up to him and observed him for a moment.

“I realize I’m naked and all right now but uh, is this too weird of a time to ask like, a slightly serious question?”

Blake looked back at her curiously. “You can ask me anything,” he responded genuinely. “Anytime. Weird or not.” He paused. “I consider any time you’re naked a time that I’m _lucky_ , no weirdness about it.”

She chuckled and shook her head, before resting her chin on his chest. She hesitated as she tried to pick her words carefully. 

“Were you serious about…you know, us moving in? Me and Pollo?”

Blake settled back and she adjusted her position to lay against him more. “Yeah, I was,” he responded at first. “You kind of already live with me though, but we can make it more official…”

“What would I be moving in _as_?” she asked next, as her finger traced random circles against his bare chest. Something he noticed she did when she felt a little nervous, or had to think things through. 

“Anything you want,” he replied, quite unhelpful in answering the root of the intended question. “As long as we can keep doing _this_ …”

Gwen hummed, and rephrased the question instead. “Well, am I moving into the _master_ bedroom or the _guest_ bedroom?”

“Which one do you want to move into?”

She sighed. “Blake…”

He chuckled and tightened his arm around her. “I know, I’m not being helpful,” he admitted. “I guess what I’m really trying to say is…I’m good with whatever kind of arrangement you want to move in as. I want you in my bed every night, but if you want your own space, the guest room is yours.” He paused. “Or both.”

“You know, I haven’t even been in your bed,” she thought about it for a moment. 

He chuckled. “Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve seen it myself.” He grinned. “No regrets, though.”

“Maybe I’ll have to give your bed a try,” she mused. 

“Are you trying to say you’re my girlfriend now or somethin?”

Her eyes widened as she was thrown off by the question, but Blake started laughing. 

“I’m joking, I’m joking,” he said, but felt bad as Gwen’s face fell in those moments. “Aww babe, come ‘ere, I’m sorry.” He tugged her up close to him and leaned in to kiss her. “I love you, sweet girl.”

She exhaled and let him kiss her, and a moment after their lips parted, she moved in to kiss him again softly. 

“Can I tell people you’re my girlfriend?” he asked gently.

“You really want to go public?” She asked. “Like, _all the way_ out there?”

“Yes,” he answered. “But only if it makes sense. Your life is much more complicated than mine.” He paused a moment before continuing. “I would like to at least tell some people close to us. Pharrell, Adam, my mom…”

“Let’s not think about anyone else right now,” she said gently. “I want to tell people, but I want to just be with you alone while we can.”

He kissed the top of her head in response and nodded, holding her closer.


	19. Got Me Under Oath Big Time

Gwen sighed, unable to remember the last time she was truly _this_ exhausted. 

She dragged herself down the small hallway after what felt like the seventh or eighth attempt to get Apollo back to sleep. She sleepily spotted Blake’s messy hair from over top of the couch, making her way over to him. Without hesitation, she crawled up and into his arms, which immediately came around her for comfort.

“Asleep again?” Blake asked gently. 

Gwen groaned a little and nodded. “Don’t jinx it,” she mumbled, her eyes closed as her arms tightened around his midsection. Blake placed a kiss on top of her head. “This is what I was talking about, by the way. What you’re _really_ signing up for if we move in.”

“ _When_ you move in,” he corrected. “I’ve been around toddlers before, Gwen. I understand the territory.” He paused, considering for a moment where she might be coming from, given her history. “Neither of you are a burden on my life, understand?”

Her eyes opened and went up to his, and she stretched up slightly to press her lips against his before cuddling and settling back into his arms.

“You’re a saint,” she whispered. “I won’t think any less of you if you want to go to bed, though.”

“Never,” he whispered, pecking a kiss on the side of her head. The small gesture caused a small smile on her lips, though her eyes remained closed as she felt herself began to doze. Her mind was only focused on the gentle caresses against her arm, courtesy of Blake. 

His warmth soothed her, lulled her into a state where she believed she might actually be able to relax, but hearing Apollo abruptly begin crying again made her groan and want to cry herself.

“I’ve got him,” Blake said with a squeeze around her, gently moving to stand and laying a very tired Gwen onto the couch. 

“You don’t…have to…” she managed. She felt his lips press against hers.

“You’re gonna fall over if you try to stand up right now, sweet girl,” Blake said gently. “I’ll be back.”

She was too tired to put up a fight.

A few moments later, Blake came back out into the living room with a sleepy Apollo curled up in his arms, no longer crying. He took a seat on the couch, one arm reaching for Gwen to bring her back into his opposite arm. 

“Little guy just wanted to join the party out here,” Blake remarked quietly.

Gwen’s eyes opened as she settled back up against Blake, her hand reaching out for Apollo’s. “You calmed him down quickly,” she said, a hint of surprise in her voice. 

“I think he kinda likes me, what can I say?”

She giggled softly. “I tried disliking you once. Look where that got me.”

“You tried a _few_ times,” he quipped. “But I like where it got you eventually,” he mumbled against the side of her head, kissing it once more. “Right here.”

Gwen smiled gently, her eyes then going back to Apollo. His eyes were finally closed, and he was cuddled up tight against Blake.

“I think the Benadryl is working,” she whispered.

Blake looked down to Apollo with a smile. “Looks like it,” he responded. “We should give him a few more minutes though before we try to move him.”

Gwen’s eyebrow raised as she looked up to Blake. “Okay, _dad_ ,” she teased quietly. “You’re either hiding a lot of experience from me in that brain of yours, or you’re a freak of nature with how easily this comes to you.”

“Hmm,” Blake remarked. “But it comes so easy to you as well.”

“I’m not even going to tell you how many _books_ I read when I was pregnant,” Gwen responded quietly. “It’s all I did for nine months. I was half terrified, and half overjoyed - but fully worried I wouldn’t know what to do.”

“And did they help?” He asked, his gaze going to her. “The books, I mean?”

Gwen’s sleepy eyes rested in a small, content smile. “No,” she admitted. “I forgot everything the minute they placed him in my arms. And I can’t say that I’ve cracked one back open since.”

She stretched up and kissed Blake on the cheek again, settling against him as she watched Apollo sleep in his other arm in silence. 

“I wish I didn’t feel like I was about to be replaced,” she admitted in a sad whisper, her lips soon pressing together to help her maintain her composure. 

“Don’t even entertain that idea,” he responded immediately. 

“It’s hard not to,” she continued. “If it’s even just a one percent chance, I mean,” she sighed. “I just don’t know what I would do.”

“It’s why you’re moving in, remember?” Blake reminded her. “Partly, at least. I hope that even though we got here in a very nontraditional way, that you still want to for other reasons…”

Gwen’s eyes looked up to Blake’s in those moments. “I do,” she affirmed.

“Good,” he whispered, before his eyes went back to Apollo.

They both stayed like that, watching the little toddler sleep in silence. Gwen’s eyes were visibly heavier as the minutes wore on, her body giving out slightly more as she leaned more into Blake.

“Come on,” he nudged her gently. “Before you can’t move anymore, go lay down. I’ll put little guy down and I’ll be there in a minute.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, even though she knew she looked like she was in no position to try and carry Apollo to bed on her own. 

“Go,” he encouraged her again.

She nodded once and rose to her feet slowly, making her way back to their bedroom with a tired sigh. Blake was only a few strides behind, making a stop into Apollo’s room to gently lay him back to rest.

After a quick stop back out to the living room to grab the monitor, he entered the bedroom, seeing Gwen curled up on one side already. He pulled the covers back slowly, climbing into bed with her from behind. She stirred a little, securing his arm around her and moving up against him as they cuddled and settled in together. 

“I love you, Blakey,” she said, barely audible as she was so obviously close to sleep again.

“I love you, sweet girl.”

——————

“You’re _moving in_ with him?”

Pharrell sat at the edge of the bed, staring at Gwen in shock as she shared the news. She had felt weird about telling Pharrell, nervous, even, not knowing how he was going to react.

“I mean, when I said I thought you needed a change of scenery…I _really_ wasn’t kicking you out?” He sighed. “This is still your home, Gwen.”

It was obvious that Pharrell felt terrible, like she was doing this as a result of him losing his cool from what caused the push for her to stay with Blake in the first place. Gwen dropped a stack of three shirts into the open suitcase on the bed, then paused to look over at him.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with that,” she responded. “I don’t feel like you kicked me out.”

Pharrell’s eyes narrowed. “Then… _why_?”

Gwen sighed and swallowed, soon walking over to sit next to him. She seemed a little nervous again suddenly, forcing an exhale before responding. 

“I know this doesn’t make any sense to you, no matter how I say it,” she began. “You sent me to Blake’s to get a change of scenery. And I know why you trusted Blake now, he told me about his past.” She paused, her eyes casting down to her lap. “I’m _better_ with him.” She paused again, her voice going even lower. “I actually _love_ him.”

“Mmmm…” Pharrell seemed immediately skeptical. “Gwen, far be it from me to tell you how to live your life, but is a relationship really the thing you need right now?” He paused. “And even if you do love him, why are you moving so fast?”

Her eyes went up to Pharrell’s and narrowed. “When’s the last time you and I had a conversation like this?” She asked. “Me, completely sober. Us, not fighting - not fighting about Dean, Apollo, whatever?”

“It’s been a while,” he admitted, almost begrudgingly. 

“I’m done trying to do things “right”,” she emphasized. “I just want to do things the way that _feels_ right. And this feels right.”

Pharrell sighed, and still didn’t seem convinced. 

“I fell in love with him in San Diego,” she admitted. “The first time we met, to be clear. And it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know what that was like, didn’t even know it was possible to fall so fast — and I took it so hard when he disappeared, and that’s on me. I didn’t know what was going on, I couldn’t think straight.” She paused, running her hand back through her blonde locks. “So this doesn’t exactly feel _fast_ for me, he’s been there in some ways all along.”

Pharrell wasn’t fully there yet, but he seemed to be coming around.

“To be honest it all really started because of Apollo,” Gwen continued, swiping at her eye and exhaling. “Gavin’s going to try for full custody. You tell me what looks better - a single, sad mother living in her best friend’s guest house, or a not-so-sad single mother living with a stable boyfriend in an actual house with a backyard and obvious support?” She paused again. “It was Blake’s idea. He wants to be there for us. And that’s not to say that I take anything you and Helen have done for us for granted, the opposite, I swear. This is just a different ballgame. And I’m terrified.”

“Why do you think Blake suggested it?” Pharrell asked. “Gwen, I’m not trying to be a downer here, but I just can’t get over how fast this feels.” He paused. “I don’t want to see something happen to you. I don’t want you to get hurt, or start drinking again if he doesn’t come home one night, or something.”

Certain doubts and questions were suddenly hitting her head on as she struggled to respond to him. She felt embarrassed briefly, even, as she tried to mentally work her way through what he was saying.

“I’d like to think I’m not completely helpless, Pharrell,” she said quietly.

He sighed. “Do you at least promise me that you’re not moving in with him _only_ because of Apollo?” Pharrell asked next.

“I promise,” Gwen said with a nod. “I actually do love that dork.”

“This sounds dumb, but take it slow, would ya?” Pharrell chuckled. 

“Since when am I the type to take _anything_ slow?” Her eyebrow raised.

As if on cue, Blake gently knocked on the bedroom door, a sheepish smile on his features.

“Hi..uh, if you guys are talking, I can come back?”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Gwen said, standing and walking over to him. She pressed up on her toes and kissed him. “Hi,” she whispered, lowering her heels back onto the ground.

He grinned and kissed her back, his arms coming around her easily. 

“That’s my cue,” Pharrell said, standing up.

“You don’t have to go,” Gwen said, turning her attention to him. 

“It’s alright, I’ll give you two some privacy,” he responded. “Are we still on for dinner? Helen should be done with it in about an hour.”

“Sounds great,” Blake said, while Gwen nodded.

“Great,” Pharrell said, walking towards the door to leave.

As soon as Blake heard the front entrance close shut behind Pharrell, his arms pulled her tighter into him and he kissed her passionately. She let herself surrender to the kiss for the time being, despite the nagging feelings she suddenly felt deep in her gut. 

“I’ve been waiting to do that _all day_ ,” Blake practically groaned, and laughed softly. Gwen offered him a smile, but even the most subtle of changes in her he seemed too notice. “How’s packing coming along?”

Gwen scrunched her face up, looking back to the suitcase on the bed. “I have a lot of clothes,” she said sheepishly. “It’s a wonder they all fit in this guest house, despite having to use all of the closet space in all of the rooms.”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

The question was disarming for her, as her mouth opened slightly to respond but nothing seemed to come out. Her face fell, as she suddenly felt terrible for not being able to answer a simple question.

“You can say yes, I won’t be offended,” he nudged her. She sighed and let her forehead lean into his chest as she tried to explain these sudden insecurities - but he didn’t let her do that for long, he walked them over to the bed and pulled her to sit on his leg. 

Gwen sat up straight and inhaled sharply, Blake catching a bit of moisture in her eyes. Now he was slightly more concerned. 

“Hey, look at me, sweet girl,” Blake nudged her from the side, and she complied. 

“I was literally fine until ten minutes ago,” she exhaled. “God I’m sorry, just ignore me.”

“What happened ten minutes ago?” Blake asked, though he had a sneaking suspicion it might have been something Pharrell said.

“Do you think I’m damaged? And that’s why you’re doing this?” Her words were sudden and a shock to even herself as she hadn’t imagined she would find the strength to be so bold so quickly. 

Blake sighed, a bit stunned at the boldness as well. “No, I don’t think you’re damaged,” he answered genuinely. “Do you want the honest truth, though?”

“Yeah,” she said, with a nod. 

He exhaled, taking his time to find the right wording. “I think your heart has been broken so many times that it causes you not to trust anyone.” He paused. “I think it’s still a little bit broken right now.”

“Why do you want us to move in?” She asked. “I know we’ve talked about it, I know that it all started because of Apollo but…I need to hear your reasons why. Even if I’ve heard some of them before.”

“I want you to move in because I love you,” he didn’t hesitate in responding. “I know that the way you and I got to this place is crazy and all over the place and might not make sense to a lot of people, but baby, it makes sense to me.”

She nodded, taking in his response.

A moment later, he spoke again. “Relationships aren’t always 50/50. You’ve needed more support lately, but it’s not always going to be like that. I’m going to be here for whatever the split is.” He paused. “Helping out with the Apollo thing…I mean that’s an added bonus, but this is so much more to me than that now.”

Blake kept an eye on her as she processed his words. He pressed his lips against hers, then hovered close to make sure she paid attention as he spoke again.

“In other words, please take my love and support and _stop overthinking this_ ,” he said gently. “I love you, and that’s all I need to know I want this. As long as you do, too.”

“Yeah,” she admitted softly.

“We knew this wouldn’t totally make sense to some people,” he reminded her. “Do you want me to talk to Pharrell?”

“Yeah?” She responded. “I mean, no?” She sighed. “I don’t know. _Maybe_.” Her eyes went to his. “I love you. I didn’t mean to…” her words trailed off. 

“Let’s get through dinner tonight,” he suggested. “No need to stress over this now.” He kissed her again, a bit slower this time, making it last.

“I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I say this so much but you guys are really keeping me alive with your love and support ❤️ Thank you so much and and always, love to know what you think ❤️


	20. Don't Let Anyone Tell You That You Can't

“Wait. _What?_ ”

Those had been the two simple words that Adam gave in response as soon as Blake spilled the beans about Gwen moving in. They were confused - worried, and uncertain. His expression was one that just couldn’t process the idea, he seemed to be questioning if he had even heard Blake correctly. 

They got into it a bit in the following moments - Adam begging to know what the deal was, what the rush was, why this was actually happening. The fact that Blake had told him he was just _in love_ wasn’t satisfying enough for Adam. He half expected Adam’s overly protective nature to rear it’s head upon the news, but he hadn’t actually thought that he would go on for so long about it.

Blake’s eyes went over to Gwen, who was sitting alone on the couch in Pharrell’s living room as Apollo and Rocket played with toy trucks on the ground. He caught her smiling down at them, sipping on her iced tea and laughing softly at something Apollo must have said. Gwen was happy and content - just the sight of that warmed his heart. He knew deep down all along the person she was, but just catching her in those simple moments felt like such a reward.

He watched Adam awkwardly approach her, and the rocker took a seat right next to her. Blake felt something deep down inside that made him feel like he wanted to sprint across the room and not leave Gwen alone, not knowing what he might be up to. Adam and Gwen were old friends, and if his awkward approach told him anything, it was that she might be thrown on the same grill that he had narrowly escaped.

Blake’s attention went back to Pharrell next to him as he was speaking, but he made a mental note to keep an eye checking in on the situation. 

“Hiding over here with the tikes?” Adam asked, looking down to Gwen briefly before joining her.

She offered a small smile and glanced back down to the two boys on the ground. 

“How could I resist them?” she asked rhetorically, and laughed softly as Apollo placed a large toy truck in Gwen’s lap. He always loved involving her, even when he was preoccupied and playing with Rocket. 

“They are pretty cute,” Adam admitted, his gaze going down to them. 

Apollo snatched the toy truck out of Gwen’s lap and rolled back on the floor with it, and she continued to sit in a content silence as she watched them play. 

“Come on, what is it?” She prompted him, glancing quickly. “You’re being weird. Something’s up.”

Adam sighed and rolled his eyes in annoyance. 

“Do you really think it’s a good idea?” He asked, not hesitating for more than a few moments. 

Gwen exhaled and huffed out of minor frustration. “Let me ask you something. Did you talk to Blake about this, or am I the only one that’s going to get yelled at over it?”

“I’m not yelling,” Adam’s voice softened a bit, with a single shake of his head. “I’m just asking.”

“We are two adults that made an adult decision together,” Gwen replied. “ _Completely sober_ , for the record, on _both_ sides.” She paused. “Why is everyone freaking out about it? Why does anyone care?”

“Because everyone cares about you,” Adam responded. “Both of you. You’re both family.”

“Then shouldn’t you just be happy for us?”

Gwen’s gaze went to Adam and their eyes locked. There was something unspoken behind his, something he was trying to say without just coming out and saying it. It made her hesitate, and conceal her frustration more than she might have otherwise. 

“I’ve really debated going here,” Adam began with a sigh, his eyes going to the boys still happily content with the toy trucks on the floor. 

“What?” She prompted gently. 

“You didn’t know Blake…when he was drinking.” Adam hesitated, and sighed again. “It was…bad.”

She felt her body tense slightly as Adam said those words.

“How bad?” She practically whispered, but even she was anxious about the response she might get.

“Gwen, I love you, more than you know,” Adam said genuinely. “But I _can’t_ watch Blake…” his words trailed off. “I have to watch out for him, and I have to be super protective, because I can’t let anything pull him back down into the low he was in back then.”

“I’m not trying to do that,” she responded eventually. It’s what she wanted to say immediately, but she hesitated because she knew deep down it was nothing personal, she knew Adam was just trying to watch out for Blake. 

“I know you wouldn’t intentionally _try_ ,” Adam responded. 

“I am literally the last person in the entire world that would want to tempt him,” she said next. “I mean, don’t you think the fact that I know what losing myself is like…I don’t know, helps? I don’t wish that on anyone.”

“You know he stopped drinking after he met you,” Adam said quietly.

“Yeah, he told me.”

“So what happens if…”

“ — Adam, please,” Gwen interrupted him, gently placing her hand on his arm.

“He didn’t leave his house for weeks,” Adam said next. “He wouldn’t eat. Wouldn’t move. I literally thought he was going to kill himself.”

Gwen felt herself blinking back a few tears. She was frustrated and upset - she was tired of feeling like the one everyone was attacking about this decision, she suddenly felt so much pressure on her shoulders.

Blake glanced over from across the room, realizing something had gone awry. He excused himself from Pharrell and Helen, making his way over to her.

Gwen stood up abruptly before he could make it over to her.

“I…I need to breathe, I can’t breathe,” she whispered to Adam, and walked through the nearby door and outside.

Her feet didn’t stop moving her forward. She found herself in the guesthouse - the place she had called home most recently. _Ironically, Blake’s house felt more like home._

Her hands gripped the edge of the vanity as she exhaled sharply, her eyes downcast into the empty sink in the small master bath. Guilt hit her. A little anger, and a lot of frustration. 

Blake remained silent as he walked up, his body propping against the open door frame.

“Before I punch him, I’d like to know why.”

If she wasn’t consumed with so much frustration, she might have laughed - but she just shook her head instead. 

“Don’t do that,” she replied softly. “And I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay,” he replied easily.

A moment later she straightened up and turned towards him. She took a step forward to close the distance between them as her arms slid around his midsection, and she allowed herself to lean into him - cheek to chest as she exhaled long. 

His arms went around her, his lips to the top of her head to plant a kiss there. 

\---------

Gwen stood in the doorframe of Blake’s front door, looking into the house. 

Two men - who they had hired to do most of the heavy lifting - were walking out of the guest room. They had decided to fill up the corner with all of Gwen’s closet, which quite frankly was the bulk of her things at this point. Her eyes glanced at them as they walked past her, stepping outside and going back out to their truck.

She felt weird, knowing that all she had left in life were clothes and shoes. She didn’t have furniture, or other items that felt like she belonged anywhere. All of that stuff had stayed back at the house, and with Gavin. 

Her heart ached as she inevitably realized that’s where Apollo was in those moments, and even thought it had been months like this, it still hit her weird. 

Blake snuck up behind her, letting his arms slide around her stomach. He pulled her to hold against him, his lips soon pressing a kiss on her neck. He nibbled at her ear before whispering in it.

“Wanna decorate?” He offered sweetly. 

She raised an amused eyebrow and smiled, turning her eyes up to him.

“What?” She asked, not sure where that came from. 

“You said you decorated your last house,” he explained. “I don’t have any emotional attachment to the furniture. You can get rid of it, if you want. As long as you replace it with something…”

Gwen shifted in his arms to face him. Her hands rested on the back of his neck, and she pressed up on her toes to kiss him. 

“That’s probably one of the sweetest things anyone has ever offered me,” she whispered to him. Her heels lowered down, bringing her back to her normal height. “But furniture doesn’t make it feel like home.” She paused. “You do.”

“Good,” he said, offering her a small grin.

“It’s just weird to see your life packed up in boxes,” she replied honestly. “Doesn’t look like much, you know?”

“Oh, you have _plenty_ , sweet girl,” he chuckled and shook his head. “I’ve already realized you’re going to be taking most of the closet space in the master, and all of the drawers and closet space in the guest room. Hell, we might have to get you a few of those roll-y racks, too.”

“I’ve always wanted my own _roll-y rack_ ,” she giggled softly. 

“It’s ironic though,” he said next, kissing her lips gently. “All those clothes and I really just prefer you don’t wear any…”

“I was thinking about sleeping naked tonight,” she whispered against his lips. “I mean, it’s my first time trying out your bed, and I really think I need the full… _experience_ …” She let the word trail slowly from her lips, the hint of a smile in the corners of her mouth. “How else do I really get a good feel for the sheets, after all?”

“Sheets are fucking _important_ ,” he responded, a deepness and immediacy to his voice that widened the grin on her face. “I can’t think of anything else more important. And you’re right, there’s no other way to test them out. It’s impossible.”

“Will you help keep me warm?” she inquired sweetly, tilting her head slightly to the side as her eyes went up to his.

“I can do more than that, if you want,” he tilted his head to the side, and placed a kiss on her forehead. He let his lips hover at her ear as he held her close, his next words whispered. “I can make you sweat.”

A small, approving giggle caught in the back of her throat as she felt her cheeks getting just a bit hotter.

“I’m actually _really_ tired right now, I think it’s bedtime. Definitely.”

“It’s like, 7:30!” she couldn’t help but laugh. 

“I _really_ don’t give a damn what time it is,” he emphasized. 

She smiled shyly up at him, her head tilting to the side. She bit her lip as she contemplated for a few moments.

“Are the movers gone?” she asked quietly, before pressing up on her toes to kiss him again.

“Long gone,” he mumbled through his return kiss.

“I guess the grand tour makes sense,” she grinned. “And it’s the only room I haven’t really experienced.”

She squealed as he unexpectedly picked her up easily, his one hand closing and locking the front door behind him. Her legs clung around his midsection as he walked them down the hallway to the master.

Her back hit the mattress, Blake’s weight coming down with her as he kissed her deeply. Blake rolled over onto his side, quickly shimmying his jeans off to leave him in his t-shirt and briefs - his arms soon pulling and keeping her close to him. Gwen readjusted her head on the pillow and laid on her side, moving forward to kiss him again.

“Baby, you look so uncomfortable,” he murmured, nibbling at her lip as his hand gripped onto her hip. They grinned at each other at the exact same moment, and Gwen shifted to sit up.

“You’re impossible, but you’re cute too,” she said lowly, as she tugged her shirt over her head. She shifted onto her opposite hip, her back towards him. She pulled her blonde locks over one shoulder and looked back, waiting for him to help her with her bra.

He didn’t hesitate; his fingers fumbled for a moment before he was able to release the clasp. He slowly worked the straps over her shoulders and down her arms. His hands gripped her sides and he tugged her to lay back down on her back - his hands wandering and exploring her body as he kissed her again. 

“How’s the _experience_ so far?” he teased against her skin.

“Mmm…” Gwen pretended to think for a moment. “Still getting acclimated. Not bad so far, just need to spend a little more time with these sheets to get a good feel.”

“How do you possibly expect to do that with jeans on?” He asked next, tugging playfully at the waistband.

“Do you want to take my jeans off, Blakey?” She asked sweetly, with a soft laugh. 

He didn’t respond - just smiled as his hands were already working on unbuttoning and unzipping. He shifted up slightly, trailing them down and off her legs. His hand clutched the sheet before he settled back down next to her, pulling it over her body and using it to pull her back against him. 

She moaned softly as she felt the warmth from his body envelop her, and she cuddled up to him as close as she possibly could in those moments.

His hand trailed across her body lazily as she seemed so content in those moments, he didn’t want to disturb her. He smiled when her eyes opened just so she could place a soft kiss on his lips.

“It smells like you,” she said contently, her eyes resting on his. 

“My bed?” he laughed. 

“Mmhmm, your aftershave,” she clarified. “I like it. I never want to leave.”

“That can be arranged,” he pecked a kiss on her forehead again. She moved in closer, kissing him deeply a moment later. His arms tightened around her, holding her close again.

“It won’t always be like this, right?”

Blake’s eyebrow raised in curiosity as the small, almost whispered words came off of Gwen’s lips.

“I mean, everyone judging us,” she clarified. 

“People will come around,” he pondered. “You’ve got to remember, Pharrell and Adam…they care about us. It’s not coming from a bad place.”

“I know,” she responded. “It’s just hard to hear.” She paused, before adding, “…especially because this feels _right_. I want them to see that.”

“You’re not the most patient, are you?” He chuckled to himself. “We’ll have to work on that.”

A small smile came to her lips. “I’m not, really,” she admitted, then sighed. She turned her head back down and into his chest to cuddle up to him again, her arms tugging around his midsection. 

Despite everything, this was exactly where she wanted to be, and she wanted to try her best to just enjoy it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! Chapter 20. I can't believe we are here already - this is so crazy to me.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting and encouraging me along the way - it's more appreciated than you could ever know. 
> 
> Don't quote me on this, but I'm thinking this will be about 25 chapters total. I've got a little bit of drama in the works yet ❤️ As always, please let me know what you think!


	21. It's A Risky Business, Gonna Play It Anyway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably want to skip this chapter if you don't like graphic sex with a little kink 💁🏼
> 
> Once upon a time there was this photoshopped picture of Blake as a cop going around twitter and it's an awesome fantasy that I knew had to find it's way into a story of mine eventually. Dedicating this chapter to a crazy amazing bitch named Jess from France 😬
> 
> xoxo

Gwen glanced to the front door from the couch when she heard the knock.

“Blake?” she called and looked back to the kitchen, where she could have sworn he had been only moments before, but he wasn’t there any longer. She furrowed her brow, and looked back to the front door as there was another knock. Despite her bad luck with visitors at this house, she pushed it out of her mind as she drew to her feet, and began to walk towards the front door. 

She undid the lock, and turned the knob to slowly open it - and she couldn’t believe at first what she saw in front of her. 

She had to stifle a giggle as she opened the door fully, moving a hand to her mouth to try and hide the amused smile on her features. Blake was decked out in a full cop’s uniform on their doorstep - when she least expected it, and just like he had promised. 

Something deep inside of her began to stir as she looked him over.

“Ma’am,” Blake said, tipping his head in greeting and stepping forward to move inside the house. It was abrupt and caused her to step backwards on instinct to make room for him. There was even something about the fact that he didn’t _ask_ to come inside, he just made it happen. And that’s when it dawned on her that he was fully committed to the character he was assuming, and he had very specific plans that night. 

But she had no idea what they were.

“What can I do for you, officer?” She tried her best to get into the role he wanted her to play, even though it was difficult. She was preoccupied and turned on, which didn’t make it easy for her to be in the moment with him. 

“Are you Miss Gwen Stefani?” He asked in that maddening southern accent of his, eyeing Gwen in a way that made that stirring feeling intensify.

“Do you want me to be?” She asked coyly, with a slight tilt of her head up to him. 

“Turn around please, ma’am,” Blake said next, stepping forward towards Gwen.

“What? Why?” She almost shrieked, but Blake didn’t give her a choice. He pulled the handcuffs from the side of his belt and hooked one on her wrist, and reached for the other to secure them together. 

“Usually when someone handcuffs a girl, they at least tell her _why_ ,” Gwen remarked.

“You’re going to have to come down to the station with me,” he explained. “I have some… _questions_ for you.”

“What kind of questions, officer?”

“That’s for discussion when we get downtown.”

She bit her lip. “Officer…I _really_ don’t want to go downtown,” her voice had a pleading element to it, and was just a bit less coy than the moment before. “I…I’ll answer any of your questions here. I’ll do _anything_ you want me to.”

“Anything?” Blake repeated. 

Gwen nodded profusely. 

“It’s not just questions I have for you, Miss Stefani,” Blake warned. “Are you absolutely sure that you want to do this here?”

“Yes,” she answered immediately. “But…do what?”

Blake ignored her, taking her gently by the arm and tugging her to walk with him down the hall, and into the bedroom. It was dark, and Blake didn’t bother to turn the lights on even as he closed the door behind them. Her eyes soon adjusted, catching a glimpse of him as he moved behind her - both of his hands resting on her shoulders.

“Have you been naughty, Miss Stefani?” His breath was hot against her neck. 

One of her hands - though cuffed together with the other still - reached behind her, playfully grabbing Blake’s crotch. “This isn’t going to go well, I have a _terrible_ memory.”

Blake groaned as her hand grabbed him, but forced himself to stay in character.

“I’d suggest retracting your hand, Ms. Stefani,” he managed. “Or there might me consequences for that _later_ …”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” she responded in the most innocent voice she could muster up. 

The single _pop_ on her rear startled her in the next moment, a gasp catching in the back of her throat. Her hand released as her attention drew away to that.

“Let me tell you how this is going to go,” Blake said next, his hands gently caressing her arms. “I’m going to strip search you. I’m going to touch _every_ inch of your body…”

“Wh…What are you looking for?” She managed breathlessly, as she was already so turned on by him that it hurt.

“That’s classified information,” he responded. “I’m going to uncuff one of your hands now. I’m going to take off your shirt, then cuff you back. I am warning you, you do _not_ want to make this more difficult on yourself. You need to behave. Do you understand?”

“I’ll try,” she said coyly, biting her lip. 

Blake’s hands trailed down to both of her wrists, doing exactly what he said he would do - taking one out of the cuff, letting his hands draw up under her shirt against her bare skin. He pulled the shirt over her head, discarding it on the ground without a thought. His fingers hooked and tugged at her bra, next to be discarded. Gwen exhaled as he took hold of her wrist again and cuffed it back to the other.

His hands caressed up her back, over her shoulders, and down her front.

“Good girl,” he cooed in her ear, just before his hands took both breasts and began to play with her gently.

Gwen moaned softly and closed her eyes as he teased her, feeling her thighs start to tighten together in the slightest as she already wanted him so badly. Her eyes were on him as his hands dropped and he walked around to stand in front of her. He was on his knees a minute later, and it was only a second before he tugged once and had her lounge shorts off. His eyes went up to hers, taking in her naked body along the way - and teasing it as his hands caressed her thighs. The sight of her standing in only handcuffs and a small pair of royal blue underwear made it _incredibly_ difficult for him to maintain his composure. 

His finger traced the hem of her underwear on her thigh, slipping inside.

“ _Ms. Stefani_ ,” Blake said suddenly, a more authoritative tone coming through - even a bit scolding, which she had to admit felt exciting. Her attention immediately went down to him, uncertain where this was going. “Are you _aroused_ right now?” He paused for only a second before continuing. “Because I am an officer of the law, and I’m simply performing my _duty_ to the citizens of Los Angeles, and you should take that seriously.”

“I do take it seriously,” she exhaled. “And I’m _not_ …”

A second finger slipped inside of her underwear, stroking against her center. Abruptly he withdrew his hand, and looked down to one of the small compartments on his belt. Before she realized what was happening he flicked a small button and something was buzzing - and she found out exactly what it was a moment later as he placed vibrating nipple clamps on her - one after the other, taking his time to do so. She pressed her lips together as she felt the sudden stimulation, and she couldn’t even manage a full thought in her head.

“Your underwear tells a different story,” he said next. “Don’t lie to me. I’m going to give you another chance to answer that question.”

His eyes were on her as his fingers brushed against the hem of the royal blue fabric.

“Are you aroused because I’m strip searching you right now, Ms. Stefani?” Blake asked again, keeping his authoritative voice.

She couldn’t take it anymore and exhaled. “Yes officer,” she managed with a sigh. “I’m aroused…”

As soon as the last word came out of her mouth, her underwear was yanked to her knees and Blake’s mouth was on her center.

Gwen gasped and moaned at the sudden extra stimulation, feeling her knees going weak. Blake grabbed her hips hard to steady her, not missing a beat as he played his tongue up and down against her center.

“Fuuuuuck…” she whined, as her body felt tense. Blake swiftly shifted her and sat her down on the bed, worried she might actually lose her balance being cuffed and standing with all of the stimulation he was throwing at her. He immediately opened her legs and took her into his mouth again. 

“Oh officer,” she exhaled, not even able to control the words coming out of her mouth anymore. “Please, _more_ …”

She whined as soon as he pulled back, straightening and standing up next to her. He pulled her onto the bed gently, re-adjusting the cuffs so that she was cuffed to the headboard on the bed instead of behind her back. Her arms stretched up as her hands grabbed a hold for the extra support, and Blake couldn’t help breaking character for a moment and placing a quick kiss on her cheek as he slid a pillow under her head. He adjusted the nipple clamps on her and the stimulation came back with a vengeance, causing her body to buck and her back to arch as he opened her legs, his tongue teasing her lightly again. 

“We’re going to make this last just a bit longer as _punishment_ for lying to an officer of the law,” he mumbled against her thigh, before allowing his tongue to swipe at her center again. “I’m not sure if that’s all you deserve though, lying is a pretty big deal…”

“But I didn’t…” she exhaled, as her body tensed. 

“Mmm. You did,” he said, in between swipes of his tongue and gentle sucking. “You told me that you weren’t turned on, when it’s so _obvious_ that you were…”

Her breathing was more erratic by the minute as her upper body writhed under the tiny devices on her breasts. 

“But..but then I said I was…” it was almost a whine as her hips tried to jerk to the side, though they were held in place by his grip. 

“I think you wanted to get caught,” Blake mumbled next. “I think you’re enjoying this…” his words trailed off as his tongue was teasing her again. “Tell me, are you enjoying this, Miss Stefani?”

Her eyes shut tightly and she bit her lip as her hips bucked, fighting against him. A whine escaped her lips, but she couldn’t even process what he was saying in those moments, much less form words.

She gasped suddenly as Blake unexpectedly shifted her slightly to the side and spanked her once to get her attention.

“I asked you a question, Miss Stefani,” he said, his tone warning. “Are. You. Enjoying. This?”

“ _Yes_ ,” she forced, her voice strained as her hands gripped tighter to the bed above her head. 

Her eyes opened to Blake - who was now on his knees in between her legs as his gaze went down to the side of his belt, pulling at one of the larger compartments. 

“Good girl,” he praised her, pulling something out that she couldn’t yet focus on to see what it was. “Are you going to be good and keep your legs open for me like this so I can continue the search?”

“Yes,” she almost whispered, and before she could exhale again she felt a vibrator against her center. She gasped as her body tried to quickly adjust to the additional stimulation, and soon Blake slowly pushed it inside of her as his eyes watched her reactions the entire time. 

“ _Fuck_ …” it was a half whine, half groan as her hips bucked again, and Blake quickly grabbed his free hand on one side to keep her still. 

She wanted to whine, cry, scream out as soon as Blake slowly and torturously worked the vibrating device in and out of her. When he reached up to take the control for the nipple clamps, he punched it up to the next intensity level which could have left her dizzy. Her body writhed, begging for release. 

“You know what’s interesting is that the more you wiggle around, the more stimulation you end up getting,” he said cooly. “It’s ironic, you move to try and get relief from it but in the end you end up spiraling out of control.”

“Please, help me come,” she begged. “Fuck, please, I can’t take it anymore…” Her breath hitched as he abruptly pulled the vibrator out of her and ditched it to the side. Her body almost felt raw, missing the extra stimulation. Blake unzipped only his zipper, a moment later lining himself up with her center.

“Seems I’m going to need something bigger to make sure I _really_ feel around inside of there,” he said, a knowing grin on his face.

“But it’s so big,” she exhaled and squirmed. “Are you sure it’s even going to fit?”

He didn’t hesitate and pushed inside of her, probably a bit quicker than he might have normally. She gasped and moaned as her back arched, obviously begging for him. Blake began to pick up a rhythm, slowly working himself in and out at first, but he was soon losing his own willpower as the pace quickened.

All stimulation considered, her orgasm hit her quickly and fiercely as she moaned louder than she had up to that point - a few additional thrusts and Blake rode his out alongside of her.

He slumped over as they both were breathing hard now, a moment later he released the cuffs and Gwen’s arms slumped down above her head. She was barely able to move. She came back to her senses as she felt the nipple clamps still vibrating, her body jerking as her hands fumbled at them to get them off.

“I got ‘em,” Blake whispered, shifting slightly to gently unclamp them one at a time. He flicked the switch and ditched them to the side, pecking a kiss on her cheek before laying on his back.

“Get this off…” she said in a hoarse mumble, tugging at the uniform he was still wearing. “Hold me.”

It brought a small, tired smile to his face and he sat up, quickly stripping down to his boxers and pulling them both under the covers. Gwen cuddled up to him contently, head on his chest and craving the warmth from his body. His eyes glanced down at her, his hand stroking a few times back through her hair.

“You okay, sweet girl?” He mumbled the question, and she hugged him just a little tighter.

“Yes, baby,” she said with a sigh, though a content one. 

“Did you have fun?” He asked a few moments later. “Was I too rough?”

Her tired, sleepy eyes looked up to him as an almost foolish smile rested on her features.

“Baby, I don’t even have words right now,” she giggled, her hair disheveled as she reached up and pressed her lips against his. His arms held her against him at her waist, and he returned the kiss easily. She hovered at his lips - her next words whispered. “You were _perfect_.”

She settled back into his arms with that same tired smile on her face.

“Is it possible to have a fantasy about a fantasy?” She mumbled a few moments later. “Because I think that’s what’s happening right now.”

“What are you thinkin’ about?” He asked groggily, a playful smile on his face even though she couldn’t see it in those moments. 

“Mmm. Bossy Blake,” she answered. “You wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

“That was the fun of it, right?”

She nodded against him. Silence fell for a few minutes. 

“You gonna tell me about your fantasy?” she asked sweetly. “We could do that next…”

Blake chuckled, placing a kiss on top of her head.

“How about you focus on recovering from yours, first.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for the love - as always, let me know what you think!


	22. Baby You Get That, Take That

She didn’t know how she got there.

In the back crevices of her mind, she could recount how she _physically_ got there, of course. Her legs worked just fine, and in fear - out of weakness - she let them carry her into this bar. It had still been light outside when she walked in, and it hadn’t taken too long before the incessant texts and calls started to come through that she ignored. 

She had been sitting on the last corner barstool all night - her body tired, leaning into the wall as her glossed over eyes just seemed to stare down at the wooden bar in front of her.

She blinked once, her eyes traveling over to the five empty shot glasses in front of her - and a sixth filled to the brim. 

Normally, a good bartender would have cleared them - but when he tried, she had refused.

If she was going to be reckless, she would be - she was already on the path to that. But something deep down pulled at her more, as if keeping track would make this night end better.

It was probably only wishful thinking. 

The music and the chatter hit various volumes that evening - it was quiet when she had first arrived, with the bartender trying to make small talk and Gwen outright refusing. There was a sadness about her, and he backed off early thinking he was better off to leave her alone - but seemed to circle back to keep an eye on her.

Her phone buzzed and lit up on the bar for the hundredth time that evening - displaying Blake’s name and picture. The guilt drove her hand forward to grip the sixth. She took it back easy, a small cringe at the end as the liquid went down her throat. 

She motioned for the seventh with a sigh.

She knew it would be the same routine. The bartender would pour it, and she’d place it in front of her and stare at it for a while. It was like she was contemplating every single detail of it - what it would taste like, how it would make her feel, the dread and guilt associated with it. When the voices got to be too much is usually when she’d throw it back, trying to drown them away. 

“Who’s Blake?” The bartender asked, head nodding down to her phone as he poured her number seven. The screen lit up as if on command to show dozens of missed calls and unanswered texts next to his name. “Some ex that can’t take a hint?”

“No,” she answered, her eyes not moving from their downcast position. She swallowed roughly as she heard her own strained voice in her head - it almost ached, she hadn’t said a word all night. “Nothing like that. He’s a good guy.”

The alcohol had numbed some of her emotions that evening but it seemed to already be wearing off - she closed her eyes, allowing her head to tilt slightly to lean against the wall next to her again.

“Why are you ignoring him then?” The bartender stuck around, pulling a case up from the ground as he began to restock some glasses next to her. “Did he fuck up?”

The questions brought about more guilt, and fueled the seventh down the hatch. She placed the now empty shot glass down gently, her phone lighting up and Buzzing again with another call from him.

“No. I did,” she responded lowly. Her eyes went up to the bartender as she motioned for the eighth. 

It was obvious the bartender hesitated - there was so much pain and upset in Gwen’s eyes as she asked for another.

“I think he’ll forgive you,” the bartender stated, pouring another. “Whatever you did, can’t be that bad - I think he’s worried about you. And when a guy worries about you, they usually don’t care about much else in the long run.”

“I can’t talk to him right now,” she whispered, and took the eighth back. And she was motioning for the ninth, ignoring the silent but overwhelming confrontation of the glasses on the table. 

The bartender glanced at the clock on the wall, then back to Gwen. 

“We’re closing up soon,” he explained. “Do you have a way home?”

“I’ll walk,” she responded with a small shrug, not even bothering think the logistics of that one through. But she knew it was impossible. 

“Mmm…it’s really late, not sure that’s a good idea around here,” he responded, sliding the ninth in front of her. “Maybe Blake could…”

His words dropped off as he watched her shut her eyes tightly, just hearing his name again made her want to cry. His face came up on her phone again, and a few tears fell down her cheeks as she looked obviously conflicted. 

“May I?” The bartender motioned to her phone as Blake called yet again, and she just felt defeated. Her eyes went up to his and lingered a moment before she slid her phone across the bar. He picked up the call, and Gwen couldn’t even bear to listen to the conversation. She felt herself physically shrink up as her hands went over her ears, already reeling from the additional guilt that was taking her over.

The bartender slid her phone back to her a few moments later, his hands reaching over for the collection of shot glasses. She didn’t flinch, didn’t react as she let her head lean back against the wall, not bothering with the few tears slowly running down her cheeks.

She lost any sense of time as she sat there, her body completely unmoving - frozen like one of the many decorations on the wall she was allowing to support her body. 

But when he walked into the mostly empty bar - she didn’t even have to physically see him to feel his presence. It was just _there_ one moment, and the next she almost felt the warmth from his body as he hovered closely behind her.

“I’ll take her tab,” Blake’s words startled her, and she watched his arm extend next to her to slide a credit card across the bar. Completely unexpected beyond that, she watched Blake’s hand grip the shot in front of her, and she was paralyzed over the realization that he _drank it_ instead of pushing it away.

Through her shock, she suddenly found it harder to breathe - she sucked in once, trying to find her breath, feeling like her lungs were shrinking.

The bartender came back and nodded at Blake, taking the credit card and the now empty shot glass off the bar.

She felt his hands at her waist, encouraging her to sit up and not lean against the wall.

“Hey,” he said gently. “Come on, sit up for me.”

His words were so gentle and kind, it made the entire situation worse. She allowed him to sit her up straight, but she still didn’t make any moves to look at him. Blake reached over for his credit card and signed the receipt, soon tucking the card back in his wallet. His attention was fully back on her, as he wrestled internally on what to do or say next. Instead, he pulled the barstool up next to hers and took a seat, sitting so close that their bodies were touching. His arm went around her and he pulled her to lean against him - she felt her body fight it at first, but she eventually gave in.

When her head hit his chest, he held her there for a moment before kissing the top of her head.

“This isn’t where you want to be,” he murmured softly, his hand stroking her arm gently. “I was _so_ worried about you, Gwen, I’ve been losing my mind all night.”

Her face broke as she pulled herself away from him and sat back up, before allowing her body to hunch over slightly on the bar instead. His hand gently caressed her back, giving her a few moments. He reached for her hair, swiping it over to the opposite shoulder away from him.

“Can you please look at me?” his inquiry was soft. Her reaction was delayed, though her body tensed in the slightest at the request. His hand gently continued to rub her back, trying to gently coax a gaze from her.

Gwen’s lips pressed together tightly as a failsafe to maintain her composure. Her eyes went to his, and he was completely caught off guard. Her eyes were primarily filled with tears, but there was so much more under the surface - there was fear. There was grief, frustration and anger. But primarily, the fear is what shook him to the core the most.

When he looked at her, those demons that had completely taken over her life at one point were back - he’d recognize them anywhere.

Blake tilted his head slightly, noticing a small cut on her opposite cheek that hadn’t been there that morning. He tentatively reached forward, his finger lightly pressing against it.

“At least it wasn’t a vampire this time,” he almost whispered, trying to soften the mood just a little as he thought back to the last time he saw her with cuts on her face. She blinked a few tears down her cheeks, somehow unable to move her gaze away from his eyes. “Let’s go home.”

He pulled her to stand a moment later, her hands gripping his tighter as her body felt dizzy from the sudden movement. His arm went around her for support, and they walked slowly together towards the door to leave. He tugged her closer, protectively so, as they made their way down the sidewalk. She let him lead her wherever he was taking her, and she was doing a great job maintaining her composure.

But when they made it to the small gravel parking lot, something in her suddenly broke.

It was unexpected for both of them as she stopped abruptly, gasping for breath right before her body hunched and she lost feeling in her legs. She broke down crying, her body shaking as if she was overdue for it. As if she had held all of it in all night and she lost the strength to hold it in any longer. 

Blake caught her from her knees hitting the ground, but that didn’t stop her breakdown. Both arms went around her tighter which encouraged her to lean into him. Her hands gripped his shirt for stability, but she couldn’t stop.

“Breathe,” his voice was insistent, but kind. “Baby girl, you can cry all you need to, but you need to breathe.”

She sucked in again as her cries were softer, trying to listen to him. Blake glanced over to his truck, his arm going around Gwen to support her in walking a few steps towards the back. He pulled down the tailgate, lifting her up to sit on top of it. He stayed standing in front of her, his arms on each side. Her gaze was in her lap as she softly cried, her body trembling again. 

“Is this about the papers I saw on the kitchen counter?” he asked gently, already knowing the answer - but needing to acknowledge that he already knew. 

Through the tears, her surprised gaze went up to meet his - he was always a step ahead of her, so much so it was sometimes annoying - but in this case she felt a strange sense of relief that he already knew. She blinked a few times, thinking about sitting at the kitchen island and opening the large envelope that afternoon from Gavin’s attorney. The trigger point that caused her to lose control. She hadn’t even read through half of it, really hadn’t understood most of it - but her ultimate, greatest fear was written out in plain English.

She couldn’t even respond verbally; but she nodded, feeling ashamed.

He sighed. “Wish you would have called me,” he said sadly.

But she had tried to call him. He hadn’t picked up. A little white lie she would keep to herself, because the last thing she was going to allow was for Blake to think any of this was his fault. 

“When I told you we were in this together, I meant it, Gwen,” he added. “You didn’t need to…”

He stopped himself, letting his words trail off. Intellectually, he knew two things - one, she already knew this, and two - he knew that things like this would happen, and often without a strong reason as to why. He knew it was complicated, and he didn’t want to be the person she was scared of when she needed him the most. 

“I didn’t _want_ to,” she admitted brokenly. “I couldn’t _stop_.” She began to cry again as she said those words. A moment later, she continued. “You think I’m this super strong person that can just handle all of this and I’m not, Blake. I wish I was her, but I’m not her. And I’m a terrible mother and I don’t deserve him because I’m really just a terrible person, and I can’t be good for anyone right now when I just want to curl up and _die_.”

His heart felt like it was physically breaking, seeing her like this. He had seen her defeated before, but this somehow felt even worse. Even as he remembered that night - which felt like so long ago, scooping her up from the front porch and physically laying her in bed - she had told him to just leave her alone to _let her die_. It was the intoxication, coupled with the pain and hurt that filled her body that produced those words once - and he was slightly worried there was more _Gwen_ behind her sentiments now. 

“I love you,” he said confidently, straightening up a bit and letting his arms move around her body into a hug. “I will always love you. I will always be here for you. And for the rest of my life, I’m going to be the person that stands here and tells you that it breaks my heart how little you think of yourself. I’m going to be one that reminds you there is a _big_ difference in being a terrible person and being a good person in a terrible place.”

His words made her cry harder, and she looked physically pained as she gently created space between them with her hand on his chest.

“I don’t deserve you,” her voice broke as she shook her head. “I’m not going to drag you down with me. You need to get away from me. I’m not good for you, Blake.”

He sighed, feeling anguish about the entire situation. He had so much he had to say, but it was probably almost 2 am at that point and he knew both of them were exhausted.

“I don’t believe that’s true,” he responded. “But, you can try to make that argument in the morning when we talk about it more. We’re both exhausted, sweet girl. Let me take you home.”

She looked even more defeated as her hands fell to her sides, gently pushing herself off of the tailgate. Blake helped steady her on the way down, soon reaching to lift and lock it once she was no longer sitting on the truck. He didn’t let her go just yet - he walked her around to the passenger side, helped her climb into the truck, and got her seatbelt on. Blake lingered for a moment, deciding to place a gentle kiss on her forehead once she was settled in.

The passenger door closed as Blake walked around the truck, destined for the driver’s seat. She felt like a mess, a pile of undistinguished _trash_ , if she was being honest, and harbored serious doubts that a little sleep was going to fix any of it. 

She had lost so much already, and along with that, the hope that any of it would actually work out for the better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys, it can't be fluffy forever because we're not done yet 😬 Hopefully you guys aren't too mad, HAHA.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	23. You're Here, And My Heart's Unbroken

The first thing she saw was the small glass of water sitting on the nightstand. When she focused on it for another moment, she realized a full dose of ibuprofen was placed intently next to it.

She wasn’t even fully awake, and she felt completely overwhelmed with guilt. The inevitable headache hadn’t even hit her yet; but that simple glass of water and those white tablets could have gutted her there and then. It reminded her of the way she would wake up when she first came to Blake’s, it reminded her of a time when he felt the need to go out of his way to take care of her. To get her better. It was a thoughtful, caring gesture that he had done a handful of times before that only ended up making her entire body ache from guilt.

And she had completely ruined _all_ of it. 

The first thing she remembered were blurry pictures in her mind of the night before. She had a decent recollection of the bar she had gone to - it would have been hard to forget something so distinct as she had sat on that barstool for literal hours. She remembered the bartender’s face - but before that she felt the worry and even slight pity that had radiated from him every time he came back to check on her. 

She remembered almost hitting the ground in the parking lot as she couldn’t hold it together anymore. She remembered losing it and giving into tears again as Blake drove them home. She recalled her body trembling as she tried to carefully lower herself out of the truck - but by then, she lost all care of trying to play off that she was okay. She was broken. She had fucked up, and this all felt like a different kind of rock bottom.

Gwen expected to wake up in the guest room - feeling like Blake would have been done with her, he would have been angry with her, or he simply didn’t want to _deal_ with her if she got sick in the middle of the night. A simple inhale confirmed she was tucked into Blake’s bed, the subtle notes of his aftershave lingering on the sheets as the giveaway. 

Gwen groaned softly as she shifted in bed, closing her eyes again with a sigh. She felt uncomfortable from laying in the same position for too long and she flipped over, opposite cheek now on the pillow. She felt the bed move slightly again, one eye opening to see that Blake was next to her, his eyes narrowed in on his laptop. 

“What time is it?” she asked groggily, softer than she intended.

“Almost noon,” he responded in an equally soft voice, his eyes glancing to his laptop once before he stretched and set it aside. She felt his hand stroke across her head, and just for a few moments, she let herself focus on just feeling that small comfort as she kept her eyes closed.

Blake was struggling internally as he watched her doze. He felt so much, wanted to _say_ so much. He wanted to hold her and never let go, he wanted to get to the bottom of it all. He wanted to fix everything, but he knew he had to swallow the pill of the fact that there were some things he would never be able to fix on his own, no matter how hard he wanted to try.

Her eyes began to blink open after a few minutes, and they were soon fixated up on him. She didn’t say anything, though. It was obvious her mind was already starting to run a million miles a minute, and it was inevitable that a headache would hit soon with the sheer brainpower she was using in those moments. But what struck him most is what he found in her eyes - it was a similar mix to the night before, but the one that stuck out to him the most was _fear_.

Blake exhaled, gently lowering himself to lay next to her. He shifted closer, allowing his head to rest on the same pillow as he made eye contact for a few moments before speaking.

His words were whispered when he found them. “I hate when you look at me like that.”

Gwen blinked once, a bit of confusion flashing across her face.

“Like what?” she asked, her tone the same.

“Like you’re scared of me,” he responded.

Her eyes closed at his words - she was not having a great twenty four hours. It felt like everything she did was wrong, and even when someone that should have been angry or yelling at her wasn’t and said something like _that_ …she didn’t know which one was worse to live with.

Her eyes opened with a few tears in the far corners, unable to do anything to prevent that from happening. She was tired, and the amount of energy it would have taken to better conceal her emotions would have knocked her out for the rest of the day. 

“You’re not yelling,” she observed cautiously, keeping an eye on him. It was as if mentioning the fact might of triggered him to remember he should have been angry at her, and while she deserved it, she didn’t know if she could take it. 

“Have I ever yelled at you?”

She swallowed. “It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t.”

“It won’t get us anywhere,” he responded with a slight shrug.

She felt an ache on the outside of her cheek, bringing her fingers up to feel the remains of a small cut on the side of it. 

“I was meaning to ask you what happened,” Blake said gently.

Her brows furrowed in confusion, her eyes going back to his. “I…I don’t remember,” she admitted at a whisper.

His gaze was growing too intense, and she had to look away. Her eyes glanced behind him, and it only took a few moments for them to fixate on the nightstand on his side of the bed, something distinctly familiar sitting next to his laptop.

“Why do you have the papers from Gavin’s lawyer?” she asked, staying focused on them. The stack of papers looked like someone had gone through them, and she spotted colored tabs sticking out on the sides that she didn’t recall being there before.

She hated that fucking stack of papers. It started this entire mess, and she just wanted to burn them.

“I went through them this morning,” he admitted. “Sent them to my lawyer. She’s going to take a look at them for us.”

_Us._

The tiny word hit her like a ton of bricks.

“I don’t have anything I can say that would make any sort of difference, here,” she whispered. “I’m not even going to try.” She paused and closed her eyes for a few moments before continuing. “I can probably figure out how to get most of my stuff out of here today…”

“What are you talking about?” He spoke up even when she might not have been finished with her thought, he couldn’t stop the words. “Do you _honestly_ think I was planning on throwing you out?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted honestly. “But I don’t think it matters. I can’t stay here, Blake.”

“Give me just _one_ good reason,” he pressed her on it, knowing that anything that came out of her mouth was going to be a reason he would contest.

“I’m going to ruin your life, can’t you see that?” Her voice strained as her sad eyes went back to his. “I’m going to drag you down, and you don’t deserve that. I’m not going to be responsible for being the one to pull you back to last year. I would literally die if that happened.”

Her eyes shut tight again as a few silent tears fell down her cheeks.

“Come ‘ere,” he didn’t leave much room for question or negotiation, and soon adjusted back and pulled her to lay on top of his chest. She didn’t resist him, she was too tired to fight anymore - and her head was pounding.

His one arm held her close, while his opposite hand stroked her hair back and out of her face. She soon felt his heart beating against her ear, something unexpected that lulled her into a slightly calmer state.

“I’m so proud of you, Gwen,” Blake said unexpectedly, and it threw her for so much of a loop that she felt like her brain stopped functioning for a minute. “You’ve come such a long way. You’ve gotten back to living a normal life.” He paused. “I can’t fault you for one mistake. It was a mistake made after you got one of the worst things in the mail that you’ll probably ever receive.”

She still didn’t have the words even as a few moments of silence fell between them.

“You’re not starting from ground zero,” Blake continued. “You’re not starting completely over. Gavin is a trigger for you - _understandably_ so. You just need to work on handling your response to it.”

“That’s not what this is about,” she contested. “Blake, this is about _you_. It’s about you staying in a good place. It’s about minimizing the _risk_ I bring to your life.”

“I am completely fine in all of this,” he responded. “You don’t need to worry about that.”

“How can you say that to me when you _literally_ took a shot out of my hand last night and drank it yourself?” Her gaze turned and went up to him. “You can’t say that wasn’t because of me. You wouldn’t have been in that bar if it wasn’t for me. That shot would not have been in front of you if it wasn’t for me. That is on _me_. That is _my fault_.”

Blake hummed, nodding once as he took in her words.

“What was that thing you said to me once…,” he pondered, before quoting back the words he remembered. “ _You are not responsible for my problems._ ” He paused to raise an eyebrow. “Why doesn’t that also work the other way?”

“Because I put you into that situation last night, it’s just different.”

A minute passed before he spoke again. 

“You want to know why I drank that shot?”

The words didn’t come out, but her gaze was all he needed to convince him to keep going.

“My first thought when I saw it was to get it away from you,” he admitted. “So I reached for it. And in that moment, I already knew the conversation we were going to inevitably have about this. And I don’t know where you got it in your head that you put my life at risk, because you don’t. You have only made it better this entire time.” He sighed. “You think I do no wrong. You think I have everything together and that I have all of the answers. I don’t. But I also know you won’t listen to those _words_ , but maybe you’d listen to an action.”

She blinked a few times, not sure where he was going with it. 

“I took the shot to prove to you that nobody is perfect,” he said finally. “I took it because when you would inevitably beat yourself up like you are right now, you couldn’t use me as a scapegoat for comparison. I did it so that you couldn’t put up a fight with me based on one mistake you made defining your life and our relationship.”

She had to wrap her head around the sentiment and what all of that meant for them. But she just kept coming back to the same one conclusion. 

“It still doesn’t change the fact that you had the opportunity because of me,” she responded quietly.

“Gwen, opportunities exist everywhere,” he countered. “They’re not exclusive to what happened last night. I could go to the liquor store right now if I wanted. I could go to a bar or a restaurant if I wanted. I could buy as much as I wanted and drink as much as I wanted. I could _bathe_ in it. I mean, do you get it yet? I don’t _want it_ , but it would be so easy if I did, and in plenty of ways that have nothing to do with you.” He exhaled, before continuing. “I made an active decision to drink that shot last night. And that, no matter the reason, is once again _not_ on you.”

She soon pressed her forehead harder into his chest, her hands clutching the sides of his shirt as she both tried to process his words and ride out a painful wave of a headache. He gently rubbed her back when he realized what was probably going on.

“Come on, why don’t you take that ibuprofen,” he suggested. Blake shifted up and over, not letting her go as he extended his arm to reach for the pills. He placed them in her hand, then doing the same with the glass of water. She swallowed both without question, and settled back in his arms after he placed the glass back down on the nightstand. 

“Please don’t tell anyone,” her small voice came a few minutes later. “They’re already mad at me. I can’t handle anymore from them.”

“Of course I won’t tell anyone,” he said, squeezing her a bit tighter and kissing the top of her head. “Who’s mad at you?”

“Adam and Pharrell,” she responded. 

“They’re not — “ he started to counter her concern, but stopped mid-sentence as another realization hit him. His mind tried to dismiss it at first, but soon, it was the only thing that made sense. Gwen shifted a bit uncomfortably in his arms as the anticipation for him to finish his sentence was growing at a rapid speed. “That’s why you didn’t call me,” he said eventually. “It makes perfect sense now. You didn’t ask me for help because of something Adam said to you.”

“I don’t know _how_ to ask for help sometimes,” she admitted.

“What did Adam say to you?”

“Adam was _right_ , first of all,” Gwen responded. “It doesn’t matter who said what, because the goal is the same. To not let you get dragged down into anything.”

He sighed, knowing it would be a full uphill battle to try and get anything specific out of her at this point. 

“You can’t disappear on me like that again,” he said, a bit more sternly. “You can’t let whatever Adam said be more important than anything I’ve said to you. I need you to _talk_ to me. I need you to at least _try_ to ask me for help when you need it. I don’t want you to be afraid of me, I’m not here to give you a hard time.”

“And you need to understand that I don’t know how to do any of that,” she responded, her words seemingly a bit more helpless all of a sudden. “I’ve never had unconditional support and understanding, I’m used to there being strings attached. I’m still looking for them now, even though I know deep down there aren’t any to be found.” She sighed, her voice going lower. “The only thing I can offer is that I can _try_.”

“That’s all I ask,” Blake replied confidently. “There is nothing you can do that is going to make me stop loving you. And I’ll say it as many times as it takes for you to actually start believing it.”

She swallowed roughly, carefully processing his words.

“Where do we go from here?” she asked, her voice strained as she wasn’t sure if she wanted the answer.

Blake hesitated, remembering the other thing he wanted to bring up - but knowing it might not be a message that delivers well to her.

“Promise to hear me out?” He asked gently, and he almost immediately felt her body tense at those words.

“That makes me nervous,” she admitted.

“I know, I just felt your body tense as soon as I said it.”

She sighed, delaying the inevitable a minute before responding. “What is it?”

“Would you think about maybe trying…counseling?”

The word itself was apparently a massive trigger, and it immediately sent her body jerking up and out of his arms to sit up.

“You can’t do that, you can’t tell anyone, are you joking right now?” Her voice was suddenly more intense as she looked down at him. “That would ruin everything, you can’t do that to me Blake, Gavin is literally trying to get full fucking custody and I can’t afford to give a judge any reason to hate me!” Her panic and tears were back. “Why would you even ask me that??”

He sat up with her, not realizing the major reaction it would solicit. He didn’t think she would be thrilled with the idea, but the last thing he was trying to do was upset her again. His hands went to her shoulders calmly.

“ _Listen…_ ,” he said, trying to control the situation. He didn’t want to give her a chance to flee and lose any of the progress they had already made. “Please take a deep breath right now, I did not say what I said to give you another panic attack.”

She wanted to say something, _badly_ , that much was obvious. But she pressed her lips together as she tried to temporarily push it out of her mind, giving in eventually to the deep breath he had asked of her. 

“Don’t you think it’s a bit hypocritical to ask me to do that when I know you didn’t?”

Her words were a bit snappier, but Blake adjusted to it almost immediately. 

“I’ll do it,” he said with a shrug. “If you’re worried about me - if it would convince you to consider giving it a try, I’ll go myself.” He paused, as his response obviously took her by surprise. “You don’t have to go anywhere,” he said gently. “I’m sure we could get someone to come to the house if you want. They’re tied to all of those nondisclosure laws, but if it would make you feel better, we can ask them to sign our own.”

“But _Apollo_ ,” she emphasized sadly. “Just thinking about it puts everything in jeopardy. I would literally rather suffer agonizing pain for the rest of my life than even introduce the smallest of risks that could take him away from me forever.”

God, she wanted to run away so badly in those moments. She felt her body physically pulling towards the door - but the nasty realization that she had nowhere to go hit her hard. She couldn’t go back to Pharrell’s, not after this mistake. She couldn’t tell anyone about it, and she was stuck. 

“ _You can’t tell anyone about this_ ,” she emphasized again. “You can’t go behind my back on this one. Don’t do anything, don’t try to fix anything, just _leave it_.” 

Somewhere in the course of her last statement, her eyes blinked tears down her cheeks. The fear was back in her eyes, and he almost couldn’t stand to look at her again like that. A moment later her face grimaced, as she tried to ride another wave of the sudden pounding of her headache. 

“It’s left,” he said in slight defeat, his hands flexing up gently to indicate he was dropping it for now. “I’m not trying to add more stress to you.”

She nodded her head once, her eyes not wavering from his. The silence that followed felt like it did some good at easing the sudden tension in the room.

“Are you really sure about all of this…” she whispered eventually. It felt like it took all of her strength to allow her hand to reach out for his; the way she hesitated, the way she was internally conflicted while she did it would probably stay with him forever. “I _love_ you…but…”

“ — but there is nothing you can do to make _me_ not love _you_ ,” he finished when she wasn’t able to find the words. “I just want you _well_. I want you happy. I want us to have Apollo here. I want to go to school plays and soccer games. I want to watch your face light up when you plan his birthday parties and go completely over the top.” He exhaled. “I want to be the one you call when you need someone. I want to make love to you in a way that makes you feel like I’m the safest place in your world. I want the _rest of your life_.”

Her tears were flowing, even harder now as he continued to speak.

“You’re really dumb if that was intended to make me stop crying,” her voice pitched higher, breaking just at the end. “I don’t think you know me at all.”

Blake chuckled softly as Gwen took the initiative to close the small amount of distance between them, straddling and sitting in his lap as her arms went around his neck. All four limbs clung to him in a hug as she nuzzled her head in the crook of his neck.

“I love you so much, sweet girl,” he said gently, his own arms holding her back just as tight.

“And I’m 100% in.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for all the love ❤️ As always, I'd love to know what you think!
> 
> xoxo


	24. Bonnie and Clyde It

In retrospect, she noticed he had been off that day almost from the beginning. 

She couldn’t quite put her finger on it at first - it hadn’t been a drastic change, but there was a subtle difference in the way he carried himself. He was a tad more withdrawn; stoic, even. When she went out of her way to be affectionate - just walking up to his side, letting her arm go around his waist as he ate breakfast at the kitchen island that morning, or when she tugged him back for another kiss before he ran out to the studio - he gladly reciprocated the affection. So much so that she thought it was in her head, and she pushed it out of mind for the time being.

But then the day wore on. His texts seemed less frequent, and the ones he did send also felt… _off_. She was starting to worry, insecurities and questions rising to the surface - always the one to think that she must have done something wrong, or that she might have been the cause.

Gwen couldn’t make a lot of things in the kitchen, but one thing she had mastered was homemade chili. It made her feel like a real adult in the domestic department, despite the fact that she just had to throw a bunch of ingredients into a crock pot for a handful of hours and it would naturally become something delicious. She bit her lip before she texted him just before noon to let him know she was taking care of dinner, feeling thankful she had something to occupy and keep her hands busy instead of just worrying about him. 

After a quick trip to the grocery store and not an insignificant amount of time chopping vegetables, she found herself on the couch and flipping through channels. That must have gotten boring, as the next thing she knew, she was waking up to the sound of Blake’s keys in the lock, and his cowboy boots shuffling through the front foyer. 

She sat up on the couch as he made his way towards the living room, and raised an eyebrow as he stifled a chuckle. 

“What?” she asked, her voice still a bit strained and groggy.

“You’re cute even when your hair is sticking straight out,” he responded, kissing the top of her head with a chuckle. 

She groaned and her hands went up to her hair, trying to blindly smooth it back down.

“How long were you out for?” He asked, taking a seat next to her. The way he kept even the slightest amount of distance was abnormal, and something she picked up on as she was on high alert to notice subtleties. 

“I don’t know,” she whispered, running a hand through her hair. “A few hours?”

“You haven’t been sleeping well, I’m sure it just caught up with you,” Blake responded.

“You haven’t either,” she responded, a bit boldly. Her head tilted as her eyes observed him. It had been almost a week now, that she recalled, at least, where she felt him laying awake in the middle of the night. She hadn’t pressed him much on the _why_ , because it didn’t feel decidedly worse until now. For now, though, she wanted to shift the subject a little. “How was the studio?”

“It was fine,” he said with a shrug. “Honestly wasn’t feeling it much today, didn’t really get a lot done, so I came home a bit early.”

Gwen hummed, thinking through the words she wanted to say. But she ended up just coming out with it instead.

“You’re worrying me,” she admitted. “I…I don’t know why, you just seem… _off_ …”

He smiled sadly at her, letting his gaze linger for a moment before his hand reached out for yours. “I didn’t mean to make you worry about me.”

“I don’t care about that,” she responded softly. “I just want to know…what’s going on…” her last words were slower, almost as if she was hesitant to ask the question. She had already convinced herself that there was a chance she wouldn’t like the answer. “Did I do something wrong?”

It physically hurt him when he watched her old habits of insecurity completely take over her body. It was this meek, worried state that she would devolve into that broke his heart. It was something those in her life had unknowingly trained her to do - take the blame, assume she was in the wrong, question not only loyalty, but her degree of worthiness to be loved. 

“No,” he responded with a shake of his head. “If it was something like that, I would tell you.” He wanted to add _please stop thinking you are at fault for everything_ , but knew it wouldn’t do much good. He knew her too well. 

Blake moved forward, pressing his lips against hers to initiate a sweet kiss. Gently, he laid her back on the couch, continuing to kiss her even as he began to angle in on top of her. Gwen’s head rested against the pillow and Blake broke the kiss - just to place another on her forehead. He sighed softly and settled in between her legs, letting his head lay against her chest. 

She swallowed roughly as he let his weight slowly sink into her body. He needed her - she felt that more intensely now than she had ever before. She knew she needed to toe the line between figuring out what the issue was and being there for him without pushing too hard, but she felt like all of her energy was expelling as she tried to navigate it all.

“I love you,” she offered, her fingers now in his hair and delicately twirling his curls around. This was new to her - Blake had always been her rock, he had always had it together - but now she just felt like something actually _broke_ him. Her words were down at a whisper again for her to continue. “I’m _sorry_ , but baby, you’re really scaring me right now.” She paused. “Talk to me?”

She feels his body sigh against hers, and soon his chin is propped up and resting just below her bra line. His eyes fixated on her, and she felt the entire world melt away as she just focused on all of the emotion behind his gaze. It’s overwhelming, but she can’t stop.

“Do you ever convince yourself that you’ll be fine, but in the back of your mind you know it’s a lie?”

“All the time,” she replied softly, careful not to speak more than needed. She felt like it was hard enough for him in those moments.

“Well, I did that this week,” he admitted. “And it was dumb, because it’s never been _fine_. And it’s extra dumb, because I’ve never lived through this day without getting drunk.” He paused. “And twenty something years of the same ritual is apparently really hard to break.”

She swallowed again. “Did you — “

“ — no, no - that’s not what this is about.”

She felt her own body relax after feeling that it had suddenly tensed up just over the possibility of that happening.

“I thought about it, of course,” he said with a shrug. “There were plenty of opportunities.” He paused. “But then I just thought about you here at the house, makin’ chili…waiting for me to come home. And I decided in that moment - that’s where I’d rather be, even if it meant having to let you see me like this.”

The anticipation was killing her. It almost didn’t matter what was going on anymore, because her eyes were already tearing up. She was worried and touched at the same time. Her eyes blinked a few times and the first tear went streaming down her cheek - but only for a second, as Blake’s thumb reacted and was there in the next.

“Sorry, sweet girl, didn’t mean to upset you,” he said.

“What happened on this day, Blake?” She pressed again, her voice even more strained as she just felt herself trying to make sense of it all. 

“I never told you I had a brother, did I?”

_Had._

The realization hit her hard.

“No,” she confirmed. “You’ve only talked about Endy.”

“Car accident,” he explained, in as few words as possible. “I was fourteen when it happened.”

“ _Blake_ …” she felt her limbs cling to him more. “Why didn’t you say anything before now?”

“Because I’m dumb,” he repeated himself from earlier.

“Well, what’s new about that?” she joked lightly, and felt proud as the vibrations from Blake’s small, chuckled response hit her skin. Absently, her fingers continued to massage his scalp and play with his hair as silence fell between them. “You know, as the most recent fuck-up in this relationship, I can tell you that drinking wouldn’t even help a _little_ bit.” She paused. “I’m not sure if there’s much of anything that will.” 

“You’re not a fuck-up,” he mumbled seriously, as his brow furrowed at her. “Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

She shrugged gently. Before she could respond, he was speaking again. 

“And you’re wrong, by the way.”

“About what?”

“Nothing helping,” he responded. “ _You_ do. You help.”

She couldn’t have held back the genuine smile that came to her face even if she had tried.

“Come check on the chili with me?” She almost whispered, her eyes locked on his.

Blake stretched up closer to her and kissed her on the lips, then smiled softly. “Sounds good, baby. Lead the way.”

Gwen pushed herself to sit up with Blake still partially on top of her, soon pulling up to stand. Her hands went out for his and she pulled him to stand next, not letting them go as she turned away from him to begin walking towards the kitchen. She released them only as she came up to the crock pot and opened the lid, taking the spoon resting nearby to stir the contents. A minute passed and she scooped a small bite onto the spoon, and turned up too Blake to offer it to him.

Blake blew on it quickly before his head moved forward to take the bite. “Hot hot hot,” he responded suddenly. “But good. _Really_ good. Mmm.”

“You talking about yourself or the chili?” She asked playfully, and they both chuckled. 

“ _You_ and the chili,” he corrected. 

She smiled softly at him. “I’m tempted to ask you to get me the cilantro, but I so don’t want you to have to move right now.”

“Hmm. Where is it?”

“The island behind you.”

Blake kept his hands on her waist as he craned his neck to look behind them, spotting the small bag she was referring to. He held one of her hips tightly and let one of his feet take a giant step back, his body leaning and stretching towards the herb in question. Gwen giggled as he made it a point to not stop touching her as he did this, ultimately making it harder on himself - but he finally grasped the bag and pulled himself fully back next to her. 

“You’re insane,” Gwen laughed, taking the bag from him. “Thank you.” She opened it and began to rip the cilantro into small pieces, mixing it into the pot as Blake watched on. His hands rested on the counter on each side of her, his lips pressing a kiss into her hair.

Gwen smiled and looked back at him as she worked for a moment. And it was everything to him. 

“This is exactly what I pictured,” Blake mused next, as she turned her attention back to the pot. “For some reason, this is the exact image I had in my head when I pictured you making dinner. And it’s how I knew that all I wanted to do was come home and be with you.”

_Home._

It was a word she was still getting used to. 

“It feels a lot less like home when you’re not here,” Gwen admitted. “The most it can feel is cozy. But even then, the sheets on your bed that smell like you are still needed.”

“I can’t tell you how happy I am that you love my sheets so much,” he chuckled lowly. 

“I do,” she responded straightforwardly and with a nod. “I miss Apollo, though. I can’t stand the days I have to be away from him like this. It feels like a punishment.”

“I know,” he responded sadly, his lips at her ear as he let his chin rest on her shoulder. “Hopefully we’ll get some of that figured out soon. And in the meantime, we’ve just gotta hang in there, baby girl.”

“Yeah,” she exhaled, with a nod. She reached over for the ladle and one of the bowls she had set out already nearby. “Blake?”

“Hmm?”

“I understand if you don’t want to talk about it but…” Gwen began, her awkwardness showing a bit. “…what was his name? Your brother?”

Blake smiled sadly, watching Gwen spoon the first ladle into the bowl. “Ritchie,” he responded. 

“Do you normally do anything today?” She asked quietly. “Visit him? Call anyone?”

“Not really,” Blake responded. “I used to, but the years can get away from ya. He was laid to rest out in Oklahoma, so it wouldn’t exactly be a quick drive to visit.” He paused. “Sometimes I call my mom, check in on her.”

“Would you like to do that?” Gwen asked next. “Dinner can wait.”

“No use, I’m afraid,” he shrugged gently. “Mike took her on a cruise - no reception in the middle of the ocean.” He paused. “But she’ll be okay, he’s got her. He’s a good guy.”

Gwen set the ladle down in the bowl, and turned around in his arms to face him. She smiled up at him sadly, extending her hand to rest on his cheek. 

“And I’ve got _you_ ,” she emphasized. “And I’m going to feed you chili and love on you and literally do whatever it is you need me to. Okay?”

Blake smiled and shifted his head slightly, kissing the side of her hand that rested against his cheek. “Love you, too,” he said.

Gwen sighed. “Sorry. It’s just - I want to know everything but I know it’s hard to talk about,” she exhaled. “But I’m here to talk or listen if you ever want to. I don’t want to force it.”

“You’re incredibly thoughtful,” he said, kissing the top of her head. “Thank you, sweet girl.” He paused. “I think this chili is going to make everything better though, it smells amazing.”

She grinned. “Just wait until you put a ton of cheese on it. There’s nothing like it. It’s probably so bad for you, but it’s comfort food.”

They were both startled as the doorbell suddenly rang. They looked at each other questioningly, and Gwen was the first to feel the anxiety of an unexpected visitor in her bones. 

“How about you stay close, but not too close,” he suggested. “You don’t have the best of luck with visitors here.”

“Won’t argue with that,” she responded, her eyes going towards the foyer. Blake took a step back and then forward to lead the way, holding her hand until they got to the banister. Blake let her go for her to stay back, and closed the gap between himself and the door. He peered through the peephole, a sense of urgency immediately coming to his voice. He didn’t even look back at Gwen and quickly grabbed the lock.

“It’s Apollo,” he said in haste, and Gwen lurched forward as soon as the name hit her ears.

“What?!”

Blake swung open the door and was on his knees the next moment, and Gwen was only a nanosecond behind him. Apollo was sleeping in his carseat on their porch, his bag nearby, and not another soul in site. 

Gwen’s unsteady hand reached out and gently laid against Apollo’s face, exhaling as she came to her senses that he was alright. She felt rage next - anger - and she wanted to scream, cry, and hit something all at the same time. But she kept herself contained, and reached down to unbuckle him from the carseat. She swiftly lifted him from it next, standing up slowly and tightening her arms around him in a hug - while being mindful to hopefully keep him asleep. She watched Blake swoop down to pick up the carseat and bag, and then just couldn’t stop looking around at their surroundings for any small hint about what this meant. 

She felt Blake’s hand at the small of her back encourage her silently to go inside, and she listened. Her feet carried her down the hallway and she went into immediate mothering mode, tucking the little one into bed and hovering for a few minutes to watch him settle and sleep. A pang of guilt hit her next, as she had no idea what was going on - and even though he was physically okay, it seemed, she was a sudden ball of nerves as she ran through all of the what-ifs in her head. She took a seat next to the bed, unable to move, as she could only watch him sleep. 

She didn’t know how long she had been staring down at him before Blake approached. His hand went to her shoulder, and he hesitantly handed her a piece of paper.

Gwen looked up to him curiously as she took it from him, unfolding it the next moment. 

__  
I’m sorry, I can’t do this anymore. Gavin went to New York for the weekend, and it only made sense for me to bring Apollo to you. He didn’t sleep much last night, and hasn’t eaten a lot today, he’s just been fussy. I’m sorry…  


As much as she wanted to ball the paper up in her hand in anger, she resisted. The story was falling in place, and she felt her body tense as she couldn’t mentally grasp the fact that she had literally just _ditched_ a toddler on a front porch without a word. 

“He’s safe,” Blake whispered in her ear. “Come on, let’s talk in the kitchen.”

She exhaled and stood up, making a beeline for the kitchen without another look or word. Blake followed, his eyes resting on Apollo just before pulling the door closed. 

When he got to the kitchen, her collected demeanor was unravelling as she paced heavily.

“Who the hell leaves a baby alone like that?” she snapped immediately when she saw him. “A note? A goddamn note?! Blake, what if we weren’t home?! What would she have done with him then?!”

He sighed, moving forward to take a seat at the kitchen island, which was situated right in the middle of the path she was walking back and forth. 

“Don’t trash that, it’s evidence,” Blake said, trying to be helpful. “As horrible as all of this is, Gwen, in a really twisted way - this is going to help us.”

“She put him ask risk!” Gwen gasped again. “Who does that?! What if we weren’t home?! Would she have left him??”

As she turned on her heel to pace the other way, Blake reached out to stop her in front of him once she got to where he was. “You can’t get yourself worked up over the what-ifs,” he said, taking her cheeks into his hands and looking at her straight on. She nodded quickly, exhaling as his hands slid to her shoulders instead. “We _were_ home. There are cameras in the neighborhood. Security sent me a quick video. He was only alone for a minute…”

She opened her mouth as if she was going to say more, but he cut her off. 

“ — and yes, a minute is still too long, I know,” 

She closed her mouth, feeling defeated once more. She let her gaze drop and her arms draw up protectively at her stomach. She felt herself trembling - she wasn’t sure if it was from anger or helplessness. Blake felt it, and pulled her in for a hug - which she allowed for easily, as she didn’t even have a clue about what to say or do next. 

“I’m so angry right now,” she admitted in a whisper, letting her chin rest on his shoulder. 

His hand caressed up and down her back. “I know,” he responded lowly. “I’m glad he’s here with us, though.”

“I am too,” she admitted. “But that’s not the point.”

“I know, baby.”

Gwen stood up straight suddenly, tugging herself out of his arms. Her demeanor seemed to change at the drop of a hat. “You’ve had a long day. Let me fix you a bowl,” she said, her tone changing as she rounded the corner and went back over to the chili she had almost forgotten about. The sudden change was almost robotic, and he watched on dumbfounded as she picked up the ladle again. 

“You don’t have to do that,” Blake said gently. “Gwen, come here.”

“No,” she said, then scooping another ladle before setting it down. She pulled apart more of the cilantro and sprinkled it on top, and walked a few strides to the fridge to get the shredded cheese. After putting a generous portion in the bowl, she slid a spoon into the bowl and slid it across the island towards him. 

“Coke?” She asked next, but she was already getting a glass out of the cupboard. She knew he normally liked a soft drink with dinner, and she pushed it against the ice machine before he could even respond. She poured the drink, waiting for the fizz to die down before adding more, and she reached forward to place it next to the bowl she had made for him. 

He watched as she immediately turned to other cupboard, reaching in for glassware and placing it next to the crock pot. She turned it off, and took a few dishes and brought them over to the sink. Her hand reached down to open the dishwasher, and she began rinsing a few things and placing them inside. 

“ _Gwen_ ,” he said again, not taking his eyes off of her. 

“Chili’s getting cold,” she responded, not looking at him. 

“You and the chili have something in common.”

She ignored the comment, and turned to pick the stoneware component out of the crockpot, tipping it forward to pour into the glassware. Her hand slipped and she grabbed the bottom of it to keep it from falling - but it was unexpectedly hot and she screeched as she dropped it back into the heating component altogether. She took half a step back and just stared at the new mess - a half-filled glass container of chili, some that had fallen on the counter, remnants that had splashed up and hit the cupboards above her when she had to drop the stoneware. She felt a warm sensation on her chest, and looked down to see that some of it had splashed back on her, too, and was now seeping into her shirt. 

“Why do I even try?” She said to nobody in particular. “This kitchen hates me.” She swallowed, her voice getting softer and more vulnerable. “And it’s a wonder that you can even stand me being here.”

He was about to say something, but she shook her head in defeat and reached for the paper towels nearby. She took a few and reached up to clean the chili off of the cabinets. She took a few more and began to wipe up the counter. She ladled out the remaining chili into the glassware and closed it up, setting it aside. And she pulled her chili-covered shirt over her head, tossing it across the room towards the laundry room door. She looked down at her black bra, checking for any signs that it had seeped through, but her attention soon went back to the paper towels as she reached for them in an attempt to continue cleaning the kitchen. 

“ _Gwen_ ,” he tried again, more insistently. “I need you to come back over here. _Please_ , baby.”

“I’m just cleaning the kitchen, Blake,” she said gently, not stopping what she was doing. “I fixed you dinner, I made a mess, it’s the most obvious next thing to do.”

“Your ex-husband’s mistress just left your child on our front porch. I think you’re forgetting that happened somewhere in the middle of all of that.” He knew his words were risky, but she was slowly unravelling in an entirely new way, and he might have tried anything at that point to snap her out of it. 

He watched as she didn’t flinch, and just continued to clean the counter. Feeling like he was talking to a wall, he stood up, and walked around the island to stand next to her. One hand held onto her hip, and the other extended and clasped over her hand, halting the cleaning movement and holding it still against the counter.

“ _Stop_ ,” he emphasized, stilling her completely. Her eyes closed as she didn’t fight him. “We had a conversation about this recently, come on. We said no more pushing each other away.”

She swallowed roughly, and eventually nodded once. “We did say that,” she admitted. She glanced up to him, her eyes almost hopeless in appearance. “What am I supposed to do, Blake?”

Blake hummed. “Not that I’m complaining, but you might feel better with a new shirt, just to start,” he said gently. “You’ve got some chili on your bra too, so that can’t feel great.”

Her eyes followed his finger and where it pointed to a small patch of a chili stain on the underside of her bra. She just stared at it for a minute - and then out of nowhere, she just started to laugh. 

Gwen looked up to him in the midst of her laughter, and he looked down curiously confused but a small smile forming on his face. 

“I have chili on my bra,” Gwen declared, and laughed a little more.

“A little in your hair, too,” Blake laughed softly, tucking a few strands behind her ears and gesturing to the ends. This made Gwen laugh again. “I think the only place you didn’t get a lot of it into was the actual bowl.”

She shook her head, a small smile still on her face. “I think you need to revoke my kitchen privileges for a while,” she offered quietly. 

He smiled, and simply placed a kiss on top of her head.

"Thank you for coming back to me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were you expecting this? Nah? Gotta keep you on your toes.
> 
> Sadly this one is coming to an end soon, but I finally got over the hump. Please let me know what you think! ❤️


	25. Stay By My Side

_Eleven months later_

\----------------------------------- 

She knew where she was.

She was sitting in a conference room at a big stuffy law firm. 

She knew who was in the room. 

Her, Blake, Apollo, and one of the stuffy lawyers that worked at the stuffy law firm. 

And she knew what she was doing, or rather, what she was in the middle of doing. The last 36 hours had been a complete whirlwind, and even though the events of the day were very real, they didn’t feel like they were really happening. She hadn’t slept through the night in weeks, her anxiety causing her to feel a permanent knot on her back left shoulder as she just fought to breathe and be okay. She fought and exhausted herself keeping her composure, putting herself and her needs last to her own detriment, but there was literally no other way she would have allowed this to pan out.

She wasn’t exactly the calm type, or the kind to leave things like this to the universe to work out.

“…sign here…..here, and sign here…”

Gwen’s attention snapped back, eyes widening slightly as they followed and watched the lawyer as he pointed to various lines on the thick document presented in front of her. The pen in her hand felt heavy as she let it glide across the page after each command. Her body was fueled with nervous energy, the level of which she didn’t realize she was exhibiting until a particular cowboy’s large, warm hand rested on her thigh. 

She hadn’t realized her leg had been bouncing until his gesture had brought it to an abrupt halt. When Blake squeezed gently, he got her attention. Her eyes went over to his. Somehow he was always able to bring her silent comfort in the smallest of ways. It amazed her that despite feeling like an exhausted mess, his simple touch could momentarily make her feel something completely different in the best way possible.

“Miss Stefani?” 

Her attention went back to the lawyer. She looked down, noticing his hand still placed in the middle of the page in front of her. 

“Can we have a moment?” Blake spoke, his attention moving to the lawyer.

He just nodded. “Of course,” he said simply, before taking a step back. “Just let AnnMarie know when you’re ready to continue.”

Blake nodded gratefully, watching the man leave the room fully before his attention turned back to Gwen. Blake looked down to Apollo, who was sitting on his leg and completely mesmerized with Gwen’s phone in his little hands, and shifted him slightly up and closer to him. His eyes went back to Gwen.

“You’ve got that look on your face,” he observed gently. “You don’t have to do all of this in one day.”

Gwen just shrugged. “The papers are ready, there’s no reason not to.”

“Papers will be there,” Blake responded. “This is a lot of change.” He paused. “And you’ve been on edge all day. All _month_. Just concerned.”

“I’m trying to end that,” she answered easily. “I don’t like being on edge all of the time. I hate feeling this tired because I can’t sleep.” She sighed, letting her fingers run back through her smooth locks. “I feel like the only way to relax is to get it out of the way, you know?”

“You’ve been through hell this past year,” Blake said gently. “Gavin dragged you straight through it.” He fell silent, desperately searching for anything else to say that could make it better. But that’s the thing, there wasn’t anything that could be said. The best he could do was to try and be there for her, and it killed him slowly that he had no other options. 

Just hearing the name _Gavin_ caused her to involuntarily tense up as a defense mechanism. Her eyes rested in her lap as she couldn’t help but silently, mentally relive that morning. Gavin’s lawyer painting the most god-awful picture of her as a mother - some of the things he said she knew would scar deep for a while. The judge’s gavel pounding as he announced his final ruling. The way Gavin hurled straight at her and he had to be restrained by a police officer as the two of them quickly exited the courtroom. 

The surprising feeling of getting everything you worked so hard for, but the relief soon overshadowed by brand new fears. 

Blake let his hand squeeze the skin underneath where it was resting. “Come ‘ere.”

Gwen’s head popped up and looked at him. “What?”

His arm stretched out, indicating her further. He motioned again. She hesitated, her eyes glancing to Apollo briefly, before she exhaled and moved slowly out of her chair to sit on his leg. When his arm went around her and his tender eyes met hers, she instantly felt a bit calmer. 

“You gonna kiss me like that?” She mumbled, and a low chuckle escaped Blake’s lips. 

“Like what?”

Gwen shrugged a little. “Dunno. You’re just looking nice from this angle, that’s all.”

The smile that came across his face as soon as she said those words could have melted snow on the coldest of days. It was so impactful, she didn’t even wait for him to respond. Her hand gently rested at the back of his neck, and she pressed her lips softly against his. The way his hand tightened slightly at her hip as they kissed sent a slight shiver down her spine. 

“You got full custody of Apollo this morning,” he reminded her, a smile coming to his face. 

She let her forehead rest on his shoulder. Before he could continue his thought, she interjected with a slight correction. “ _We_ got full custody…”

His smile grew wider, as he digressed. “ _We_ did,” he agreed. “And that’s _huge_.” He paused. “Gwen, baby girl, I can’t even tell you how proud of you I am. You have no idea, and I suck with words, but you’re quite literally incredible. And you need to know that.”

“Incredible,” she scoffed, and her head shook. “If I was any of those things I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this mess to begin with.” She paused, hesitating to continue her thought. “If I was _that_ , I wouldn’t be fighting off the idea of a glass of wine every day for the past month.”

Blake hummed, his hand caressing down her arm. “Do you still want a drink?”

“No,” Gwen answered honestly. “It won’t change anything.”

Blake didn’t realize he was capable of such a large, content smile on his face as soon as he heard that. His heart ached in the best way, and he just wished that Gwen could see herself how he was able to see her. 

“You wouldn’t have said that to me last year,” he responded honestly. “There’s something to be said for that.”

“I guess,” she responded lackadaisically, letting her eyes close.

“I’m just saying that maybe being here right now…signing the final papers to sell your house on the same day that we just got custody of Apollo…maybe it’s a bit _much_?”

“I don’t want the house. I don’t want the things in it. I don’t want anything that reminds me of it, or of him,” she responded immediately, almost as if she had it rehearsed. 

“What do you think it’s going to feel like?” He asked next. “When you’re done signing this stack of papers?”

“Different,” she responded, and paused. “I don’t know how. But I have to try. It’s the only thing I can think of, the only door I have left to close. The only way I can maybe get this morning out of my head for good.”

She hadn’t meant to let the last part slip out. She seemed to do that a lot on accident, he was good at disarming her without even trying these days. 

“You and I both know that even the worst version of yourself that you’ve ever been is ten times a better person than what that nasty lawyer was trying to make you out to be,” Blake responded sternly, as he wanted her to really hear those words. “Gwen, it’s why we won. They had nothing else in their back pocket, they had to _lie_ to have any chance…”

“…it was embarrassing,” she whispered, her eyes closing. “Because you know as well as anyone that some of it was _true_ …”

“You haven’t had a drink in almost a year,” he responded earnestly. “You’ve been an incredible mother to Apollo - I see it everyday. You’re back in the studio creating again. You do yoga in the mornings. Babe, when I met you, you were getting drunk at work before noon. You were so angry and upset at the world, and you let some tool like Dean push you around - _literally_. How can you not see how far you’ve come?”

“It has to end today,” she deflected slightly, as she sat up a bit straighter. 

“What does?” He asked. 

“I need to finish these papers,” she announced in a slightly more confident voice. “I need to close this door.”

“Will you look at me first?” Blake asked, his arm around her nudging into her a bit. She turned her gaze to him as he requested. “I am _so_ proud of you,” he exhaled. “And I am so in love with you. But right now? Feeling a heck of a lot of _proud_.”

The water swelling in her eyes was inevitable. But he wasn’t done.

“You deserve to be Apollo’s mom,” he said next, and it was the first time she had to blink as a few tears fell. “I feel like you’re questioning that. I feel like you’re questioning a lot, actually. I know a little something about what goes on in that head of yours by now.”

She exhaled roughly, and instead of responding with words, she did so with action. Her arms snaked up around his neck and she squeezed and held onto him tightly. When she finally released, she inhaled as she sat up straight, appearing somewhat calmer. 

“If you want to get these papers signed now, I completely understand,” he said next. “But, try not to take too long. I _think_ we have plans.”  
“Plans?” She questioned, raising an eyebrow. “Since when?”

“Since I created them earlier and didn’t tell ya,” Blake said with a chuckle. “Don’t worry. They’re low key plans, I promise.”

Gwen bit her lip as her eyes searched his. “Intriguing,” she responded. She looked him over once more and went to stand, but he held onto her at first. She sat gently back on his leg as she watched him intently. Soon, he leaned forward, placing the most innocent and sweetest kiss on the side of her cheek.

As he slowly pulled back, she tilted her head to the side. 

“Now do that like you mean it,” she commanded softly, and he grinned. Blake moved forward again and kissed her properly, and she let herself get lost in the embrace.

—————————

Gwen’s key went into the lock and she pushed the front door open the same way she had a hundred times before. She instantly felt something was a bit different, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

Suddenly, all of the lights cut on one second and she was face to face with a small crowd filling up the hallway, blocking entrance to the living room.

“Congratulations!”

She gasped, taking a step back and running into Blake as she blinked and tried to adjust, seeing so many sudden familiar faces surrounding them and shouting out their congratulations. Pharrell and his entire family was there, as well as Adam and Behati.

Blake’s hand went to her shoulder to steady her as he started laughing, and Apollo’s little arms flailing up in the air in excitement. Gwen’s hand went to her heart as she tried to catch her breath.

“You scared the hell out of me!” She exclaimed, but she couldn’t help but laugh along with the others. Her eyes scanned over to the stairway, a giant “Congratulations!” banner hung across it. Balloons were everywhere; their friends had really outdone themselves. 

“How did you all — ?” Gwen was still trying to recover from the shock. 

Blake placed Apollo on the ground and they watched him immediately run over when he saw Rocket standing next to Pharrell. His arms were not empty long, as they both went around Gwen from behind.

“Come on, as if Blake wasn’t going to immediately text us,” Adam scoffed and laughed. 

“And we won’t be here long, we know it’s been a long day. But there’s cake, and we just wanted to give you both hugs and our love,” Pharrell chimed in. 

“Guys, you shouldn’t have,” Gwen’s voice pitched higher. “I mean, thank you? Blake?” She looked up to him, hoping that he would take over from there as she was starting to feel heartfelt tears prick in her eyes.

“You guys did great, you made her cry,” he said with a grin, and they both laughed.

“There’s cake?” Gwen asked cutely, as she couldn’t help but think about an impending sugar rush. Blake took her hand and walked her through the hallway with their friends, soon coming into the kitchen. 

As soon as Gwen rounded the corner, her eyes fell on a two story chocolate frosted cake sitting in the middle of the kitchen island. But the gasp that escaped her lips were over the two giant, insanely gorgeous flower arrangements anchoring the cake on each side. 

“Blake picked out the flowers, to be clear,” Pharrell chimed in. “We just made sure they got here on time from the flower shop.”

“Oh, and maybe before you jump into that cake, there’s pizza in the oven on the warm setting for dinner,” Behati chimed in. “I admit I was a bit skeptical when we had to drive all the way to _Anaheim_ …”

Gwen’s eyes went wide, and her head snapped back to look up at Blake.

“Cozza’s?” She asked, overly hopeful. As he nodded, she felt her heart skip a beat as she realized he had arranged to have one of her favorite restaurants brought over by his friends for dinner. The sheer fact that he remembers the smallest of details was going to continue to astonish her for the rest of her life. 

Gwen’s attention turned back to everyone surrounding them. “Guys, I’m just…” she forced an exhale. “I’m so speechless right now.” She looked to Blake again. “You made your best friend and his wife drive to Anaheim for pizza?”

“Hey, what about us? We went to the flower shop,” Pharrell chimed in. “We went on the freeway. At _lunchtime_. We might as well have gone to Anaheim, too.”

Gwen laughed softly as Pharrell also broke out in a chuckle, and he moved forward to wrap he up in a hug.

“The flowers are beautiful,” she whispered to him. “Thank you so much for everything.”

“You got it, G,” Pharrell responded, hugging her just a bit tighter. “ _Proud of you_. Look at the life you’ve made for yourself,” he added on, whispering the last few sentiments so that only she could hear. 

She held him tighter, soon forcing herself to let go. “Couldn’t have done it without you,” she responded in the same whispered tone, squeezing his hand. 

“Alright,” Adam said, clapping his hands together once. “We’re getting out of your hair, you guys deserve a quiet night in.” He paused. “But please, call us if you need anything, okay?”

“Thanks, man,” Blake nodded solemnly. 

“Oh, no, I was talking to Gwen,” Adam joked and rolled his eyes, which caused her to laugh and move forward to hug him. 

“Idiot,” Blake mumbled.

“Thank you,” Gwen said with another laugh, releasing him from the hug. 

That hug was the first of many as they all made the rounds with each other, and soon, the three of them were left alone once more. Blake moved to turn on the TV, placing Apollo with his toys down in front of it before stepping a few feet away back to the kitchen.

Gwen tilted her head as one hand rested on the island, her eyes glancing over the cake. She seemed slightly more content, something that Blake picked up on.

“Dare I say it, but you seem a little less on edge,” he observed, coming in to stand next to her. A small smile came to her face and he watched her reach forward and scoop up a bit of frosting with her finger from the edge of the cake and put it in her mouth. He chuckled. “Did you really just…?”

“Lay off,” she said with a giggle. “It’s been a long day.” Her eyes moved to his, their gaze locking a few moments. She glanced back to the cake and scooped a bit more frosting with her finger. Instead of eating it herself, she closed the distance between them and offered it to him instead.

“Tastes a lot better when you’re not supposed to have it,” she said, raising an eyebrow. She grinned the moment he did and watched as he licked it off her finger.

Blake hummed, swallowing the bite of frosting. “Guess you’re right about that,” he observed. 

Awkwardly, she let her finger stay in between them for a few moments as their gazes remained on one another. “Can I ask you something?” she whispered gently. 

He took a seat on one of the tall bar chairs at the island, his hands moving forward to her hips. He pulled her a bit closer to stand between his legs. 

“Ask me anything,” he responded, his eyes intent on her. To his surprise she moved forward, her arms going around his neck as she kissed him softly. He didn’t let her stand fully back up; instead electing to hold her in his arms as she leaned against him, her head resting against his shoulder. 

“What happens next?” the words finally came. 

“Well, what do you want to happen next?” Blake asked her in response. 

“I don’t know how to answer that,” she replied honestly. “You know, for the past year, all it’s been is this mess with Gavin. Before that, it was a different kind of mess - _my_ mess - that I couldn’t clean up on my own. It’s like this is the first time we aren’t having to deal with something huge. And I can understand that, but it doesn’t feel real.”

“I promise, this is real,” Blake responded, hugging her a bit tighter in those moments.

“I’ve waited so long to be free of everything and even though that time has come, it still doesn’t feel like it will stay like this,” she attempted to explain. “I’m afraid all of this is a dream. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up back in Pharrell’s guest house hungover again.”

“You’ve worked so hard, Gwen,” Blake said immediately. “You did that. You put in the work. You stayed strong when it felt like so many things were stacked against you. Why do you think it’s a dream that it worked out like this?”

“Because all of this is better than any reality I’ve known, Blake.”

She looked up to him and their eyes met. He couldn’t hold himself back anymore and he moved forward a moment later and kissed her.

“This is your reality,” Blake assured her. “And you’re in control.” He paused. “So, tell me. What do you want to happen next?”

Her gaze moved over to Apollo, playing in the living room with his toys as they _clinked_ and _clanked_ about. 

“Nothing,” she responded. “And also… _everything_.” Her gaze lingered, but soon went back to Blake. “I wasted the last 13 years of my life waiting for someone to come around, living by their rules and living based on what they wanted. Trying to be perfect for someone. I can’t go back to that.”

“Good, because I don’t want that,” Blake affirmed, his hand going to her cheek. She nodded.

“He never let me go off of my birth control,” Gwen scoffed, and shook her head. “The guy says he wanted a family, kids, everything, but never seemed to get around to growing up and getting ready for that.” She paused. “Apollo was never a part of the plan. He was literally a miracle baby. I wasn’t paying attention and I took the wrong pills for a week, and that was that.”

“Wow,” Blake sighed. “When you said he got you pregnant by accident…you weren’t joking.”

“It was the best mistake of my entire life,” she admitted. “But I don’t want to have to wait for another mistake like that again. I want to have a plan.” She looked up to him. “Blake…I’m not saying right this second…but…” she sighed as she hesitated. “How would you feel if, I don’t know, I went off of my birth control _on purpose_ in a few months?”

It felt like a year passed as the silence fell between them. Her mind was reeling, not only over her thoughts about the situation, but also what Blake had been through with his previous partner faking a pregnancy. She knew that had effected him in ways she had yet to fully understand.

“Am I being selfish?” she whispered, trying to fish for an answer when he couldn’t manage one. Her nerves were calmed as soon as he kissed her gently, unable to communicate any other way just yet. 

“There it is,” Blake whispered into her ear. 

“That’s what happens next.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it, folks ❤️
> 
> Thank you to everyone that stuck around with this one as I tried to write this final chapter and I finally got it out of me. Hope you enjoyed, and would love to hear your final thoughts as this little world wraps up.
> 
> xoxo


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